Funny / Archer Season Two

"Swiss Miss"

• Malory wrapping up the staff meeting:
  Malory: So if you want paper towels in there, you'll just have to supply your own.
  Archer (above the other staff grumbling): Where do you get paper towels?
  Malory: And, last item, on a related note, I have no choice but to cut salaries. Eight percent, across the board! (everyone starts complaining loudly) And let's just put a lid on it!
  Archer: Do we have to supply our own lids?
• "Immigrants, with their lowriders, full of free healthcare and 'snow'."
• "Oh my God! You've never even SEEN a Wilhelm!"
• "You want little Countess Von Fingerbang to get kidnapped? Fine!"
• Which leads into:
  Anka: Anka? Mr. Archer, how familiar. You must address me by my title... Countess Von Fingerbang.
  Archer: Nooooope. Come on, Anka, seriously, you seriously got to get out of here *someone knocks on door* Shit! Before the cops show up... or, wait, what do you have in Switzerland, some kind of pikemen?
  Anka: I don't know, I am from Germany....where the age of consent is fourteen.
  Archer: What is it, the Alabama of Europe?!
  Anka: In many ways, yes, but... we can talk about that in bed.
• Bit of Black Comedy, but Archer being so fed up with Anka's unwelcome propositions and finally, her trying to blackmail him while they're fleeing from kidnappers, that he slows down the snow mobile they're fleeing on so the kidnappers can get Anka unless she rescinds the threat.

"A Going Concern"

• Malory wants Archer to get out of her office:
  Malory: Now if you'll excuse me, I'm right in the middle of a fairly huge deal.
  *Locks her desk drawer with incredibly complicated mechanical and electrical sounds*
  Archer: Buying a lock factory?

• Pam acting Jamaican.
  Racist.
• "All I want is this lettuce and his brother!"
• Archer trying to prevent his mother from marrying Len:
  Archer: Start thinking of ways to make Len not want my mother!
  Pam: We could give her a MILF-ectomy!
  Archer: If you say "MILF" again, I will shoot you in your eyeball.
  Cyril: She does have a point, though. *Archer levels his gun at him* Not the M-I-L-F part!
• Just about everything Len says while under the effects of the mind-control chip. It would be pretty tragic if he didn't have some of the funniest lines in the entire episode.
• There's a double whammy of two jokes in one - the ants and the carpet always being filthy —
  Malory steps onto a stain on the carpet.
  Malory: Ugh, sweet and sour? Might as well start an ant farm.
• The enforced Fridge Horror that Ray inflicts on Archer while Archer's dealing with his mother's toy.

  Archer: Alright, I'm going in. Oh god, I can't believe I'm doing this...
  Ray: Try to think about something else...like how there's no sink in there.
  Archer: So what if there's noo—OH MY GOD!
  Ray: Yeah.
  Archer: THERE'S NO SINK!!!
  (Archer screams as he works up the nerve to finally turn it off)
  Archer: Oh, there isn't enough liquor and therapy in the world to undo that... ugh, I touched my mother's dild].
  Ray: Yeah, you should have borrowed these. [appears holding a pair of rubber gloves] They're like super heavy duty.
  [Archer throws a vase at Ray, which he dodges]

• Krieger explaining how you shouldn't even touch the LSD strips... before proceeding to do so himself.
  Krieger: Lysergic Acid is absorbed right through the skin. Even the tip of your fing-uh-oh.
  Archer: Oh for fuck's sake, Krieger, you're about to perform brain surgery.
  Krieger: Yeah, so sooner's going to be better than later.

"Blood Test"

• The fact that ODIN has the doctors drain Archer of a litre of his blood just to weaken him and keep him from trying to replace the blood sample.
• There's a cutaway where Archer is talking with Malory, while having sex with Lana.
  Archer: No don't stop, I can do both...
• Cheryl goading Lana into beating the shit out of her by bringing up how Cyril cheated on her with several women (including Cheryl) while Ray and Pam discuss holding a baby shower for Trinette.
  Lana: Couple things. (Lunges at Cheryl)
  Cheryl: BRING IT!
  Ray: Yeah, we are code blue here.
  Pam: Hey yeah, blue! Like for baby boys.
  Ray: No, I meant for her face.
  Cheryl: Choke me!
  Pam: No, like, let's have a baby shower for Trinette and the wee baby Seamus!
  Ray: Oh my God, yeeees! But your place is disgusting, so where can we have it?
  Pam: Well Archer's got that banging pad.
  Lana: Oh he'll hate that! I wanna come.
  Cheryl: Uhhhhhh, I think I just did.
  • And Woodhouse let them have the party at Archer's house. Why?
  Archer: "Because I told you to buy lemon curd Woodhouse! Now what am I going to spread on my toast? (Throws Woodhouse's shoes over the landing) Your tears?!"

"Pipeline Fever"

• "The White Queen...of Africa."
  • "The African Queen was the BOAT!"
• Archer and Lana are forced to steal an airboat at gunpoint because it had already been booked, and it was the only availible craft for miles.
  Archer: Great, because I've waited literally my entire life to say the following sentence... *pulls out a sawed-off shotgun* I'm comendeering this airboat!
  • Followed by the annoyed owner yelling at his dog who didn't even move when he was robbed.
  Mechanic: Some damn guard dog you is! *notices that the dog isn't moving or breathing at all* Oh great, now both my dogs are dead!
• True to form, Archer and Lana haven't even landed in Florida before Archer blows the secrecy of the mission to justify to an Air Marshall why he has a gun with him onboard... including the man they're hunting, who happened to be on the plane.

"The Double Deuce"

• Archer's reaction to finding out that Woodhouse helped Malory give birth to him:
  Archer: Oh my God! You saw Mother's...VAGINA?! *throws up*
• Woodhouse's squadron mate assumes Archer and Woodhouse are lovers and adopted the Wee Baby Seamus.
  Woodhouse: This is Sterling Archer, my...
  Stinky: None of my business. Consenting adults and all that.
  Archer: Wha...HEY! No one is consenting to anything!
  Stinky: None of my business.
  • His Sustained Misunderstanding at the end of the episode:
    Stinky: Guess you and me are the last two left in the tontine.
    Woodhouse: Yes, I guess we are.
    [dramatic sting]
    Stinky: Hard to believe that.
    Woodhouse: Well, we were the two youngest.
    Stinky: No, not that! That the government let you two fruit-bats adopt a baby!
    Woodhouse: ...
• The reveal of why Woodhouse got released from military service: he massacred an entire German infantry division by himself, and scalped them after his beloved boss Reggie was killed by a sniper in no-mans land.
  Stinky: He must've had 50 of them!
  Archer: That's a lot of scalps...
• The fact that Archer keeps giving poor Baby Seamus alcohol to keep him quiet. When he drops him off at Malory's office, he has a minor hangover.
• The insane amounts of Ho Yay between Woodhouse and Reggie back in WW1. Reggie even has a photo of Woodhouse on his plane's dashboard.
  Woodhouse: Scripes abhorred the way Reggie—er, Captain Thistleton—carried on with the men.
  Archer: Yeah, didn't Oscar Wilde get hard labor for that?

"Tragical History"

• Krieger's virtual girlfriend and the Planet of the Apes (1968) reference right after said "girl" is on-screen.
  • Krieger's Voice-actor has gone on the record as saying that that line was his favorite in the show to date, simply because it was a nerd's wet-dream come true.
• Krieger's explanation as to why he can't shut down the computer.
  Malory: Just turn off the mainframe.
  Lana: (holds up an unplugged power cord) Yeah, we tried that.
  Malory: Then how is it still on?
  Krieger: Because the worm has turned the mainframe...into a sentient being.
  (dramatic musical sting)
  Malory: What?
  Krieger: I'm kidding. There's a battery backup.
  Lana: Yeah, over there. Behind about two tons of steel and one electronic lock.
  Krieger: Which is controlled by the mainframe.
  Malory: Well what genius came up with that?
  Krieger: (pause) Uh, this one?
• This exchange:
  Cyril: Well I happen to be a kickass accountant!
  George Spelvin: Did that sound a lot better in your head?
  Cyril: Yes it did.

"Movie Star"

• Mandingo 2: The Enslavening
• The Reveal that the agent Cyril and Malory have been pitching the movie to is really Boris of the KGB, using a voice modulator.
• When Archer and Lana get injected with fugu poison, paralyzing them, Lana lands in a chair and Archer... facefirst into Lana's crotch, which is where he'll have to spend the next 4 hours until the poison wears off.
• Malory insists that her movie idea is a "taut, sexy spy thriller", while Cyril thinks it's so awfully bad he mistakes it for a spy comedy. Oh, and Malory thinks that she could believably play the main character who's in her 40's.
  Cyril: You do know there's a finite amount of vaseline in the universe, right?
  • Not to mention the interracial love story Malory tries to make Cyril cram into the plot, and the wildly inappropriate name.
  Cyril: It's just not believable that this agent, who, by the way, cannot be named Cassius!, would risk his career for a woman twice his age!
  • After it looks like the studio really will produce Malory's script (they're not, because the producer is actually Boris), Cyril and Malory have sex right there in her office.
    Malory: Take me! TAKE ME, CASSIUS!
• Pam has stolen Rona's journal:
  Cheryl: Did you think it was meat?

"Stage Two"

• Malory talking to Lana and Pam about her mammogram results, and how there might be something there. She then asks them not to have it spread around the office...only for Pam to be texting the office already. She states that gossip is like a disease, and returns to texting, only for Malory to call her out again. Pam asks if she knows what "disease" means, then remembers she might have breast cancer. Crosses the Line Twice even for this show.
  Malory: ...so this information cannot leave this — Pam, what the hell?!
  • This is all preceded by Malory being a colossal bitch to her employees.
    • She tells Cheryl that "If I cared about your weekend, I'd put a shotgun in my mouth and pull the trigger with my toes."
    • Cyril spent all weekend punching computer cards and arranging them by hand, only for Malory to knock them onto the floor because he hadn't gotten it done on the previous Friday.
    • Pam's showing off a marzipan farmyard she plans on sending for her father's birthday - but because she'd used her weekend to build that instead of doing the Quarterly Reports, Malory pours her coffee on it, causing the entire thing to dissolve.
  Pam: Probably not the best gift to send to a diabetic...
  • Then, once Archer gets in, he's the only one who hasn't heard yet... he immediately addressed Pam when told there's no secret. She caves after the faintest resistance.
    Malory: Damn her piggy little eyes!
    Krieger: Aww, Pigley.
• The ridiculously Overly Long Gag and Crosses The Line Four Times phone call Archer gets revolving around his breast cancer. This utterly inept doctor (who's only really interested in scoring with Malory) keeps calling Archer to inform him there's been a mistake and that he's cancer-free/going to die. Archer undergoes a complete personality change each time and by the time the final call comes in everyone just stares at the phone in horror.
• Archer: Lana, I'm in love with you
  Lana: You are also shitfaced.
  Archer: Can't I be both?
• Archer not only hijacks Woodhouse's Vegas vacation with his brother Dicky, he not only gets Dicky in trouble with the law, but also gets Cyril arrested later, because he used Cyril's name while he was in Vegas.

"Placebo Effect"

• Malory: Sterling, no, you're not well. What are you going to do?
  Archer: Cry havoc and let slip the hogs of war.
  Lana: Dogs... of war.
  Archer: Whatever farm animal of war, Lana! Shut up!
• "RAMPAGE!"
  • "Well, excuse me, Lana. It's a rampage!"
• Archer's Freudian Threat when interrogating the pharmacist. The way his eyes widen as he glares at the knife is just the icing on the cake.
  Archer: [following Lock-and-Load Montage] Do you get it? Because I swear to god, I will strip back down and show you all over again.
  Pharmacist: Yeah, I get it! You have a lot of guns!
  Archer: And a knife, which I am going to push very slowly into your urethra-
  Lana: Ew!
  Archer: -if you don't answer my questions. Number one...
  [cut to Archer staking out a warehouse]
  Archer: God what a pussy. I could barely even keep up, he was spilling the beans so fast.
  Lana: Well, you did threaten to shove a knife up his dick-hole. Which, again, ick!
  Archer: Well, excuse me, Lana. It's a rampage.
• Archer interrogating the Irish mob about fake cancer medication in the style of a Family Feud-like show. Only the bad answers are awarded with a shotgun blast to the kneecap.
  Archer: These potato-heads have got to be the un-sexiest mob of all time.
  Mobster #1: Do you know who you're messing with, boyo? You have any idea who our boss is?
  Archer: Nope. And a hundred people surveyed, answer's on the board, name the douchebag who's in charge. [puts shotgun on mobster's kneecap]
  Mobster #1: Vincent. Van Gogh fuck yourself.
  Archer: Hm. Vincent van Gogh Fuck myself. Survey says! [shoots him in the kneecap]
  Mobster #3: Aw Christ!
  Lana: Jesus! Archer!
  Archer: What, Lana?! I said it was a rampage!
  Lana: Still, though.
  Mobster #1: Oh, you son of a whore!
  Archer: Save it for the Fast Money Round, Paddy. [to second mobster] Hundred people surveyed, number one answer's still on the board, name the douchebag who's in charge! Ehh-ehh! Need an answer! [mobster spits on his face] Hmm. Cock-flavoured spit. Well, you never know what's gonna be on the board. Let me see cock-flavoured spit! [shoots him in the kneecap] That's two strikes. One more and the innocent Honduran janitors get a chance to steal the bank! I'm just assuming you guys don't know what goes on here, hope that doesn't sound racist. [to third mobster] Okay, kid...
  Lana: He is a kid, Archer, so...
  Archer: Lana, you're in the Isolation Booth! Looking for the douchebag who's in charge.
  Mobster #1: Mikey Hannity, say one word and I'll cut your yellow heart out!
  Archer: Ehh-ehh! [shoots and kills him]
  Mikey Hannity: Aw Christ!
  Lana: Uh...
  Archer: Mikey, you've gotta listen to me. I've got breast cancer.
  Mobster #2: Ha ha. breast cancer. [gets shot by Archer]
  Archer: So you'll forgive my impatience because I, and a lot of other people, have been trying to fight cancer with your boss' fake chemo drugs.
  Mikey: Chemo?! They just told be it was cream for male pattern baldness!
  Archer: Do I look like I need bald-guy cream? Mikey, I can barely get a comb through this. It's so thick my barber charges me double. I love my hair, as I'm sure you love your kneecaps. [points shotgun at his knee]
  Mikey: Franny Delaney! He runs everything out here in Brooklyn! Numbers, protection, dope, prostitution...
  Archer: Victimless crimes, Mikey! Tell me about the chemo drugs.
  Mikey: They make the pharmacists buy the real stuff, but Delaney sells it to, I swear I don't know who, but they switch it with the fake stuff here. And those pricks do all the packing. [gestures towards Honduran janitors]
  Archer: What?! You guys were in on this? And I was worried about sounding racist.
  Lana: Were ya?
  Mikey: Aw they don't know what goes on here. They can't even read English. All those dirty beaners care about is taking American jobs!
  Archer Hey, relax Hannity, it wasn't all that long ago that everybody hated the Irish for swarming over here in their potato boats and taking all the jobs.
  Mikey: Yeah. Wait, what?
  Archer: And I'm pretty sure, and guys, feel free to correct me, that "beaner" is a pejorative term for a Mexican. Isso correta ou não? Huh. Thought there would more overlap with the Portuguese.
  Lana: Well, plus they're gagged.
  Archer: Still, though. And third, is this the real stuff? [holds up IV bag]
  Mikey: Yeah, this is all real. Why?
  Archer: Because I am way behind on my treatment.
  Lana: Wait, Archer, what are you doing?
  Archer: I'm sorry Lana, did I mention I have cancer?
  Lana: I know, but now? In mid-rampage? You really think that's a good idea?
  Archer: Hmm, let me see. To take my prescribed chemotherapy for my said, aforementioned cancer? Yes, idiot, I do!
  [cut to Archer bent over a toilet, vomiting]
  • At one point, as Mobster #2 is laughing at Archer's breast cancer, Lana moves her camera to face him before Archer moves to shoot him. She knows what's coming.
• Archer interrogating a mob boss by sticking a grenade up his ass:
  Lana: Wait, you're just gonna leave him with a grenade stuck up his ass?!
  Archer: Yes, Lana, I'm on a rampage! And also kidding, it's a smoke grenade.
  Mob Boss: Oh thank Go-
  (cue grenade exploding, knocking Archer and Lana out the door)
  • Note: While arguably better than being blown up, a smoke grenade going off in your ass would hardly be nothing to worry about as the casing will become scalding hot and the smoke can be fatal to be exposed to fairly fast. Actually, being blown up might be considered preferable.
  • Later, while Lana is driving them to a doctor:
  Archer: What?? I thought it was a smoke grenade!
  Lana: They look exactly nothing alike!!
• While Archer and Lana are rampaging, the rest of the cast have discovered that Krieger is allegedly a clone of Adolf Hitler (a la The Boys from Brazil). Pam makes an inappropriate comment about Malory's time in Phuket:
  Pam: Zzzzzziiiinnnng! .... Ahem. Wildly inappropriate.
  Krieger: Seriously, Pam.
  Pam: Okay, Clone Wars.
  Krieger: [dejectedly] Zing.
• The various renaming suggestions for Archer's film.
  Archer: And everybody else, shut up, and watch "Terms of Enrampagement".
  Cyril: Why don't you call it "Magnum, P.U."?
  Archer: It's a working title! Idiots!
  Malory: Liked him better when he had cancer.
  Archer: First of all, WHAT THE SHIT, MOTHER? And second, too bad, the doctor says my cancer is in remission, which means I'll likely never have any cancer again. So, shut up and watch my movie, for which I really need a better title.
  Cheryl: Ooooh! How about "Citizen Dickbag"? "Snark victory". I know! "Casablumpkin".

"El Secuestro"

• Archer talks with the kidnappers talking on a voice modulator, and hangs up because he thinks they're cyborgs. Then, Cyril kidnaps Cheryl and tries to hold her for ransom. When Lana walks in on him, he pretends to have phone sex. And then we hear it modulated. Malory then traces the call... to Cyril's office and runs off after Lana and says, "They were calling from this floor!"
• Pam trolling her captors by snarking at the torturer's weak attempts to put her in pain.
  "Who taught you to punch? Your husband?"
• "I've never seen an ocelot! . . . Holy shit, you guys, look at his little spots! . . . look at his tufted ears!"
• Cheryl's explanation of her being a Tunt.^note  Archer: Tum again? (silence) What, nothing?
  Cheryl: I spent, like, every summer there listening to my creepy great-grandmother bitch about Abraham Lincoln. Beat Apparently, slavery was pretty awesome.
  Malory: Prove it.
  Archer: What's to prove? It's free labor.
  Malory: Not that, ass!
• Ray trolling Archer by wearing the same turtleneck as him.
  Archer: You're just wearing it to piss me off!
  Ray: Is it working?
  Archer: Yes! So take it off! We look totally gay!
  Ray: I am gay.
  Archer: Well I'm not!
  Ray: Then why are you wearing that turtleneck?
  Archer: (points pistol at Ray) Take it off.
  Ray: (points submachine gun at Archer) You'd better put that back in your purse.

"Jeu Monegasque"

• Archer can't help but say "balls" after hearing the name "Benoit".^Explanation There's a sex toy called "ben-wa balls", which is pronounced the same way
• "Wow, this might be kind of hard to drive with such a huge, throbbing erection."
• Ray sees Le Chuffre attacking them with missiles.
  Rocket launchers? (louder) Guys! My cars is totally slowing down for no reason! Must just be out of... carborator!
• Ray: "Here, hold this."
  Archer: "Thanks Ray, but I'm not thirst-"
  SMACK!
  Ray: "Here, hold these."
  Archer: "Ray, I said I'm not thir-"
  PUNCH! PUNCH!
• Archer has a flashback to his first time gambling: Him dressed as Charlie Chaplin playing blackjack with Malory, dressed as Elvira, Mistress of the Dark, betting with candy. Archer hits on 17 and goes bust, losing all his candy.
  Malory: "And now all the candy is Mother's! 'Cause crybaby hit on 17 again! (burps) Like an idiot."
  Archer: "Why was I dressed as Hitler?"
  • Malory remembers later in the same flashback, the first time Archer was drunk-drunk.
    Malory: "Why was he dressed as Hitler?"

"White Nights"

• The episode starts with Archer bribing the crew of a C-130 to let him steal the drop for Ray's mission. After punching out Ray, Archer hands the crewmember the envelope of cash, gives a long monologue which makes him totally miss his chance to go, then jumps.
  Pilot: Chief, why is the door still op... Wait don't tell me he just now jumped!
  Chief: Yep.
  Pilot: Like, just just now?
  Chief: Yahp.
  Pilot: You know he missed the drop zone by like, eight miles.
  Chief: Yeahp.
  Pilot: Jesus. Did he give you the money?
  Chief: (Pulls out envelope and looks at it) Nope.
  Pilot: (sighs) What an asshole.
  Chief: Yhep. (clicks off radio and closes the door)
  • Archer is then seen dangling in enemy territory and taken captive.
• Archer and Barry start fighting over Archer's potential father.
  Barry: At least my father isn't head of the KGB!
  Archer: At least I have a father!
  Barry: Wait, are you implying I was a virgin birth, or...?
  Archer: Actually, I was implying... I don't know where I was going with that.
• After being forced to walk barefoot over broken glass, Archer takes a Russian bystander's battered, worn-out shoes:
  Archer: Those cannot be your only shoes. What am I saying? It's Russia: I bet people come from miles around just to get their picture taken in those.
• While trapped on a roof, he hears even more soldiers rushing up the stairs to the rooftop exit.
  Archer: What is this, a soldier factory?!

"Double Trouble"

• "More like Lemon Party Chairman"
• Krieger's van.
  Malory: I swear, if anyone saw me in this awful van....
  Lana: How could they, with this illegal-ass window tint? Dude, this van is like rolling probable cause.
  Malory: So all ashore from the SS Date Rape!
  Ray: Toot-toot!

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