Kelly the Roman Warrior
is a story by KingAurthr2. Despite being hosted on Fanfiction.net, its setting is not based on any already existing fictional universe, though the story regularly imports/plagiarizes concepts from other stories, such as Patronuses and Godzilla. It's got all the hallmarks of a legendary "badfic" but strangely has some genuinely good moments to make it entertaining at times.
The premise is as follows: Kelly Mariena Ceaser Joenson is a nineteen-year-old girl growing up in Ancient Grome with her father. She wants to become a soldier and fight in war, but her father refuses, fearing her death. But one night, Godzilla bursts in and sets their house of fire, forcing Kelly to flee. She cannot find her father during the attack, so she resolves to return and find him. With the help of her ghost deer Elkus and an old woman who needs several ingredients to scry for her father, Kelly's quest to save him begins.
There is a dramatic reading by YouTube user mutantmuseum (aka manwithoutabody) here.
Available in MST-ed form here.
Compare Emily H The Viking Princess
Provides examples of:
- Adaptational Heroism: Dracula is depicted as one of Kelly's allies.
- Anachronism Stew: Oh does it ever. Despite being stated to take place "2000 year in the past in roman", Godzilla attacks millennia before the atomic bomb, Dracula rules in his castle, and The Twilight Saga has been published.
- Ancient Grome: Despite being Roman, Kelly can turn into an avatar of Athena, and not Minerva. Likewise, in the sequel, her father invokes Zeus, rather than Jupiter.
- Hades also makes an appearance, rather than his Roman counterpart, Pluto.
- Beethoven Was an Alien Spy: The Great Fire of Rome was caused by Godzilla.
- Big Bad: Sauron
- Brainwashed and Crazy: The Thor and thirty Hulks have all been turned evil by Sauron.
- Culture Chop Suey: Aside from Ancient Grome, Kelly is a Roman with a name of Irish origin.
- Deliberate Values Dissonance: It's acknowledged that Kelly's family - being Roman aristocracy - owns lots of slaves, without any kind of moral judgement. They're nice to their slaves, if that helps.
- Department of Redundancy Department: What is obvious shall often be made more obvious.and so Elkus sayed "Forsooyth my ladye I will carry you" (he talks like old time like in a old timey book we read at shcool one time).
- Disney Death: Elkus is seemingly killed by Sauron in the final chapter. He's revived after Kelly defeats Sauron.
- Sauron's head is still alive after Kelly seemingly kills him.
- Evil Laugh: The various villains laugh pretty often.
- Face–Heel Turn: Thor and the Hulk's are all evil now.
- Fantastic Racism: Dracula has a low opinion of ogres. He gets over this after Shrek helps Kelly and the others defeat Bonecruncher.
- Feminist Fantasy: The heroine fares somewhat better than in most stories – she is a woman warrior who doesn't have a love interest and doesn't overly rely on a male figure, who goes on a quest to save her father, gathers a traveling party and fights evil. In the sequel, she does fall in love - with Boudica, making her a queer heroine.
- Freudian Slip: Dracula's name has notably been misspelled as "Crackula" and "Dracukla".
- Friendly Neighborhood Vampire: Downplayed with Dracula - while he's not exactly harmless and not the most pleasant person, he's depicted as one of the good guys here and is a loyal ally to Kelly.
- Heroic Sacrifice: Shrek, Doinkey, and Cat In Boots all "snacrifice" themselves to hold off an attack by Hades.
- Inconsistent Spelling: Tutankhamun's name is never spelled the same way twice.
- Kaiju: The evil forces include Godzilla, the Balrog, and a big black hydra with ten thousand heads.
- In-Series Nickname: Kelly is often referred to as "Kells." Weirdly, none of the other characters actually refer to her as such.
- A Kind of One: The Thirty Hulks.
- Massive Multiplayer Crossover: Godzilla, Dracula, The Twilight Saga, Shrek, Hercules, Marvel Cinematic Universe and The Lord of the Rings, with whiffs of Harry Potter.
- Missing Mom: Kelly's mother was killed in an invasion when she was a year old.
- Monster Mash: Kelly's party gradually becomes this, as it includes a ghostly deer, Dracula, a mummy, and an ogre.
- Mordor: The final portion of the story takes place there.
- Mummy: A good one joins Kelly's team. His name is never spelled the same way twice, but he's probably Tutankhamen.
- Our Vampires Are Different / Your Vampires Suck: A major plot point during the chapters at Dracula's castle is the feud between the "very powar" vampires like Dracula and the almost-completely-human Edward Cullen.
- Politically Correct History: While Rome's sexism gets a bit of play early on, the fact still stands that the mere notion of a woman warrior wasn't taken seriously at all.
- Sympathetic Slave Owner: Being nobility in Ancient Rome, Kelly's family are slaveowners. That being said, they're nice to their slaves.
- Take That!: Chapters 4 and 5 are one to The Twilight Saga.
- Time Skip: Part 2 takes place 10 years after the end of Part 1.
- Voluntary Shapeshifting: Kelly's transformation into Athena.
- Walk into Mordor: Kelly and co. have no problem with this.
- Wanted a Gender-Conforming Child: It's mentioned in Chapter 1 that Kelly's father wanted her to be more traditionally feminine rather than being a warrior, though this seems to be based more on his fear of losing her in a battle like he did his wife.
- Ye Olde Butcherede Englishe: Elkus speaks this way, often adding in "forsoothe" and "ladye".
