is an Ah! My Goddess
fanfic by Jacoblee0463. It's got a bit of everything. Some funnies, some romance, lots of fighting and a few darker bits. Prior knowledge of the series is essential. It should also be noted that with an average of about 10,000+ words perchapter and 44 chapters, it is easily the second longest fic of this fandom ever to be published in English (or possibly any other language either!).
The basic story is this: at some point approximately six months after the current story arc (chapter 296 at the time of writing) an assassination attempt leaves an Englishman known as Jago as the custodian of an Archangel; a rare angel sub-species with an unusual set of powers. Whereas most angels (and with them, their goddesses) can perform almost any kind of task, an Arch as they are known is limited to a single specialisation: generally either computer skills or the ability to cast any spell. Jago's angel was unique in that she is the only known FIGHTING Arch; a combat specialist with incredible strength, speed and stamina but with magic almost entirely limited to combat spells.
In order to recover her, Lind the Valkyrie is despatched but she fails to reach the Arch before she is "imprinted" by Jago, taking the name Astrakhan Lamb and becoming permanently bound to him. Jago agrees to move the Tarikihongan Temple in order to protect Lamb and from there Hilarity Ensues
, not helped by Jago's forced adoption of Lamb's doublet counterpart; a grouchy and incredibly powerful old devil called Damascus. Meanwhile, following a drunken liaison with Jago, Lind is expelled from the Valkyries and forced to live on Earth, her powers greatly restricted. She forgives Jago however and they move in together, hoping for a quiet life. Right...
In the meantime, it becomes clear that even though Jago's imprinting has pretty much erased Lamb's memories, there is still someone out to kill her. And if that means that they have to kill everybody else in this little group, then so be it. With Yggdrasil crippled by a virus which has sapped the goddesses of most of their power, a traitor in the ranks of Praetorian Guard (the Valkyrie special forces) and the recently, the increasing threat of Jago's dark alter ego, the stage is set for an epic battle which will decide whether Heaven, Hell and everything in-between will stand or fall to a force more powerful than anything the world has ever seen.
The fic is now completed, and has a sequel here
This fic provides examples of:
- Abnormal Ammo: for fighting the Angel-Eater , Jago's shotgun is loaded with solid iron slugs to drain it's magic, while he loads his revolver with .45 hollow point shells full of silver nitrate. He also takes down a unit of Praetorians with a Marmite bomb.
- Action Girl: subverted with Lind during early chapters (mostly due to her having her powers limited) although she shows some of her true power during her first fight with Juggernaut. Played straight later when she and Jago fought each other to a standstill. She only lost after they had both completely depleted their energy and Jago scoring a sneak attack with a concealed weapon. Lamb has this implied about her but has yet to fully show it on her own (despite saving Jago's arse quite a lot). When she activates her Prime powers however... She has recently shown just how powerful she is though by defeating Deaderuss single handed, after her wings are destroyed.
- Adaptational Badass: Keiichi does this. First he helps rescue Lamb from the Angel-Eater and later, he and Bob use Jago's shotguns to slow down Juggernaut. He later helps to fight Gandamak and also punches Deaderuss in the face.
- Affably Evil: Hild may rule Hell but she appears to have developed a liking to Jago due to his bluff and open nature. Enough to give him her personal phone number. Damascus is THE original Nightmare and doesn't like anyone, to the point that she has actually threatened to EAT Noble Scarlet. However, she becomes fiercely loyal to Jago and though him Lamb, Lind and the others; willing to risk her own life to save them. Plus she likes Jammy Dodgers.
- The Alcoholic: Whenever Jago travels, he always takes at least one bottle of "Suicider", an extra strong cider based moonshine. He also drank Lind under the table on the first night and it is later remarked by World of Elegance that "it was not like him refuse a drink". It's later revealed that LAMB is actually possibly the biggest drinker in the world after she ends up in a drinking contest with half of Heaven and drinks everyone bar the Almighty under the table.
- Amazon Brigade: Obviously the Valkyries (although it is implied that there are at least a few male Valkyries amongst them). Doubly so for the Praetorians, with Deaderuss being implied that he was the first male to enter the unit ever!
- Amazon Chaser: Jago is sleeping with Lind, the single most powerful fighter in all of history. If that doesn't make him an Amazon chaser, I don't know what would!
- Back Story: Massively explores Lind's past. It isn't pretty. Jago's and Lamb's both recently explored to much the same result (Lamb made her first kill before she even had a name, while Jago used to be a drug dealer).
- Bad Ass: Pretty much everyone at one point or another, Jupiter being the most so (he broke out of the Aegis defence spell USING HIS FIST).
- Badass Normal: Jago. Even before Lamb showed up and without using Jupiter, he could lift 500 lbs and was a match for most street fighters (and even Chrono).
- Berserk Button: You hurt or insult Lind? Or decide to fight dirty (weapons in a fist fight)? Or make him use Jupiter? Then Jago will have to kill you.
- Beware the Nice Ones: Jago gets along well with people and tries to be friends. Underneath it however...
- Big Eater: Lamb and Damascus need a person's worth of calories, vitamins and minerals every day in order for Jago to support them. He literally has to eat for three.
- Boisterous Bruiser: Lamb and Jago. In a big way.
- Bratty Half-Pint: Subverted for Skuld who after a talk with Jago, decided to apply to become a Valkyrie.
- Broken Bird: Lind. Just read her Back Story.
- Break the Badass: Happens to both Lamb (in the first chapter!) and later, quite a lot to Lind. Pretty much everyone gets this treatment in fact, at one point or another (with the possible exception of Jago; hit him hard enough and he bounces!). His malaria attack however shows that even he isn't invulnerable.
- Brooding Boy, Gentle Girl: Inverted in that Lind is the broody one and Jago is the happy one.
- Can't Hold His Liquor: Lind tried to hold her own against Jago who having lived in Bulgaria, can drink like a Cossack. Ends up VERY drunk and Hilarity Ensues in the from of Lind's first time.
- Chastity Couple: Belldandy and Keiichi STILL have this going on.
- Choice of Two Weapons: Lind has her halberd and a seax knife. Jago has a khukuri, a claymore, a tower shield, two 25 lbs splitting mauls , a mora knife, a folding knife, a hittin stick, two shotguns, a .45 revolver and a hat with sharpened pennies sown into the brim. and don't even get me started on the improvised weapons!
- Cool Car: Several. Jago's main car is a heavily modified Unimog U5000 which is basically a 12 ton off road artillery tractor. He also briefly owned a an amphibious Toyota Hilux (nicknamed the Toyboata). Keiichi won a whole stack of rare antique cars in a bet with Toshiyuki (the only confirmed vehicle so far though is a Land Rover Series 1), while the Auto-club three-wheeler was modified to go amphibious. Toshiyuki used a hydrofoil car. Implied that Damascus now owns Toshiyuki's Ferrari Enzo.
- Cool Plane: using Damascus's magic, Jago built a C-130J transport plane. If that wasn't cool enough, Skuld later modified it into a VTOL aircraft, similar to the End War V-120 Valkyrie. THAT CAN JUMP BETWEEN DIMENSIONS! Later, a vast fleet of human aircraft, providing a Gunship Rescue, lead by a squadron of F-22s and B-1 Lancers.
- Curb-Stomp Battle: Pretty much any time that Jupiter shows up except for his battle with Lind. Later, Gandamak does this a few times Lamb's battle against Deaderuss is definitely one of these. She's dying and BOY is she angry about it!
- Custom Uniform: Touched on with Lind in that she has supplemented her usual skin-tight white leather uniform of the Valkyries with black leather jacket that used to belong to Jago. so far, no-one has complained.
- Cute Bruiser: Lots of them, particularly the angels. Lamb is the most obvious being incredibly sweet but also the former angel to a Valkyrie Spec Ops soldier. Spear Mint and Cool Mint are both very powerful fighters, despite looking like teenagers. Chrono and Heart of Sterling Silver are Valkyrie Trainees. Even Skuld and Noble Scarlet are tough (being able to fight Jago's younger brother to a standstill).
- Darker and Edgier: Compared to the original series, this is defiantly the case
- Dad the Veteran: Jago's father was a mechanic in the British army (1st Batallion, REME) which is why Jago wears a cap badge for the same regiment on his stetson. However, he is only mentioned briefly and appears to be an Absent Father.
- Deal with the Devil: This is how Jago ended up with Damascus. She also helped to cure his malaria and convinced him to become Paladin. Probably because he's more useful alive than dead.
- Deadpan Snarker: Both Jago and Damascus. Lamb to a lesser extent.
- Dented Iron: Jago. Since the story started, he has: had all his knuckles skinned, been blown up by Mara, been beaten almost to death, had his chest sliced by a broken bottle, broken his own finger beating his brother's face in (and still kept beating him), dislocated his shoulder and had his aorta severed, all while suffering from malaria.
- Discount Lesbians: A brief chat between Bob and Lind reveals that due to the much greater number of goddesses than gods in Heaven (approximately 10:1) and the fact that most goddesses will never meet a human means that almost all are lesbians (or at the very least bisexual).
- Drowning My Sorrows: On Peorth's insistence, Lamb tries this to get over Jago leaving her. Almost ends very badly for her when she accepts a lift from Toshiyuki who drugs and then attempts to rape her.
- Dumb Muscle: Subverted. Any character who can fight has brains. Lind and the Mint Sisters are defiantly not thick. Lamb is gullible but by no means an idiot. Jago claims he's a fool but is somehow always able to figure out a way to defeat his opponents, even if they seem unbeatable (e.g. Juggernaut was tripped over an anvil so that his head would be smashed by a 50 lbs drop-hammer, allowing Jago to remove his control disk.)
- Earn Your Happy Ending: Apparently, this is what is coming.
- Eats Babies: King Surtr. He plans to keep Lind and Jago's baby alive just for this. "Little girls... finger licking good!"
- Eldritch Abomination: Lind's true form in nearly incomprehensible (to put it in perspective, she can flit parts of herself into dimensions that Jago can't actually comprehend and then back into the usual three/four to deliver unblockable attacks). Just imagine what the children will look like! Damascus is a lesser example of this: her prime form is a giant manticore.
- Finally Married: Keiichi and Bell. Later Jago and Lind.
- Friends with Benefits: At least to start with. Later though, it is revealed that Lind and Jago do love each other but Jago is unwilling to make a long term commitment, due to how it is likely to end up effecting Lind.
- Gone Horribly Right: The later appearances of Papa Jupiter. Sure Jago gets a power boost... but this is accompanied by a personality change that turns him into a psychopath.
- Good Angel, Bad Angel: Astrakhan Lamb and Damascus are literal examples of these: Lamb's an angel, Damascus is a devil and they grow to represent Jago's personality. Also Papa Jupiter and Bother Pluto.
- Grow Old with Me: Lind and Jago both want this but is unlikely to happen even with a baby on the way. Doubly true with Jago as the Paladin, with a life expectancy of less that six months.
- Guns Are Worthless: They might slow you down a little but that's about it. Did manage to drain the Angel-Eater's when combined with Abnormal Ammo though. Subverted later when Jago's elephant gun proves to be just as effective against Jötunns as it would be against humans (or elephants!). Subverted later by the human soldiers.
- Hangover Sensitivity: VERY subverted for Jago as he is completely immune to hangovers.
- Hammered into the Ground: pretty much any time Lind fights someone.
- Heroic BSOD: Lind is tough but she has complete breakdown when Jago is killed by an avalanche. He isn't really but she doesn't know that! First she breaks down into a tearful wreck and then, finding motivation to go on living (thanks to Irpa), goes into a red-eyed rage and beats a giant so hard she breaks its skull.
- Head-Tiltingly Kinky: "Oh my! I didn’t know Lind made that kind of noise!” Plus Keiichi and Bell's wedding night. It even made Peorth comment!
- Heroic Sacrifice: Lamb tries this twice. And both times, Jago pulls her arse out of the fire. [spoiler:Later, Jago almost achieves this by calling down an airstrike ON HIMSELF!]]
- Hot as Hell: Implied about Damascus. Unfortunately she's shy about showing her body.
- Ill Girl: Inverted in that Jago has malaria and is nearly killed when a Yggdrasil bug combines with it to create a near unstoppable strain of super-malaria. Keeps it under control using quinine tablets and willpower.
- Improvised Weapon: The brim of Jago's hat is full of sharpened pennies. Also Keiichi's melee weapon of choice is a piece of scaffolding.
- Interspecies Romance: Jago is sleeping with Lind, while Keiichi and Belldandy are still together. The men are human, the women are ten-dimensional Eldritch Abominations. Later (and at Lind's insistence) Jago has sex with both Cool Mint and Spear Mint who are the joint soul of one of these ten-dimensional Eldritch Abominations.
- Interesting Situation Duel: Lind VS Jago. Jago needs to prove that he is powerful enough to become the Paladin. The best way to do this is for him to defeat the current Champion during the Deity Games. Nobody thought to tell him that the Champion was the woman he was sleeping with...
- Killer Rabbit: Briefly mentioned in one chapter that Jago's mother has a turkey who is so evil, even Belldandy is afraid of it (considering that this is the same woman who hugged a lion, this is no small feat).
- Knife Nut: Jago is definitely one of these. He generally has at least FOUR on his person; a tactical boot knife, a folding pocket knife, a butterfly knife, a Swedish mora knife and his khukuri.
- Kukris Are Kool: Despite now having acess to phenominal powers and a (literal) arsonal, his weapon of choice remains a bog standrard British army khukuri, to the point that his sword is actually his secondary weapon. Later, there are Ghurkhas.
- Lethal Chef: Lind is defiantly one of these. Case in point: Man-eating spaghetti monster.
- Like an Old Married Couple: Lamb and Damascus.
- Longest Pregnancy Ever: Pregnancy lasts for 22 months for a goddess. Luckily, their powers triple during and after this point to protect both them and their baby.
- Magic and Powers: Too many to list them all. The main three are:
Lamb: limited spells but does know some powerful combat and healing spells. Her wings are able to use ambient sources of energy to keep her powered up. Her "Prime" powers increase her combat ability massively for a short period of time (longer than 60 seconds and chances are it will kill her though).
Damascus: knows and can access EVERY spell in existence. She is also a Nightmare and as such, she can hack into minds.
Jago: can do anything that Lamb and Damascus can do, provided that he has seen them do it. Whilst they're inside him, he has complete access to their powers. And then of course, there's Papa Jupiter...
- Madonna–Whore Complex: Lind gets this from the other Valkyries when she returns to Heaven. Then Jago starts cracking heads...
- Mayfly-December Romance: Why Jago won't marry Lind.
- Mindlink Mates: This is basically what happens when Jago imprints Lamb and Damascus. Also occurs between Jago and Lind while Jago is dying of malaria.
- Mundane Luxury: Jago gets this from caramels, his blacksmith work and from Lind smiling. Lind gets this from just being able to live a normal life for once.
- More Dakka: Jago tries this on Lind via an Iowa Class battleship and then an orbital strike. All they do is piss her off.
- Nice Hat: Jago wears a Stetson with a British army cap badge (1st Battalion REME) attached to the band. And sharpened pennies sewn into the brim.
- No Accounting for Taste: Lind is a beautiful, moody, ex-Valkyrie with a sad history. Jago is a big, hairy, boisterous guy who tries to get along with everyone, right up until that moment when you piss him off and he sets Jupiter on you. He's also an ex-drug dealer who murdered a man who stabbed his friend. Yet they've had more sex in the last four months than Keiichi and Belldandy have had in the last FOUR YEARS!
- No-Holds-Barred Beatdown: Skuld and Bob. Skuld wins by a nose and then Bob uses a rock.
- Oh, Crap: There's a fair number of these moments, usually when they realise that the monster they are fighting is a lot stronger than they thought or when Jupiter shows up.
- One-Winged Angel: Jupiter is Jago's version of this. While his only physical change are his eyes (turning red), his power levels go through the roof and he is extremely evil.
- Original Character: Lots. In particular, it includes a lot of the angels who belong to the minor characters but who are never named or shown in the series. Lamp shaded for Eir and Saga in that while they DO appear in the anime, very little is known about them and this is probably the FIRST fanfic to include them (even if they only play minor parts).
- Our Angels Are Different: Lamb and Damascus are both different from the standard angels (and devils) in the series in that being Archs, they have complete mastery of a single kind of skill (fighting for Lamb, magic for Damascus) but little utility. Also, their biology means that that they can draw energy directly from their Master, rather than having to rely on their Master's magic (basically meaning that so long as Jago eats 6000 calories a day, they should be fine).
- Our Dragons Are Different: Lind's true form (at least the visible bits) resembles a huge, white, thousand headed dragon, covered in eyes and spines. Gandamak is vaguely based a Western dragon but is nearly 100 foot long, has four 50 foot wings, ten legs, tusks and a single eye on the end of a stalk. He's also a hydra so if you chop off one head, two will grow from the stump.
- Praetorian Guard: Present in large numbers as they are the special forces divisions for both the Valkyries and the Niflguard (Hell's Valkyries) as well as the bodyguards for Hild and the Almighty. Said to be as tough as five standard Valkyries which is disproven by Jago when he has no more trouble dropping them with a single punch than he does standard Valkyries. Lamb's former Mistress was apparently one of these before she was assassinated.
- Sealed Badass in a Can: Jago's alter ego Jupiter is definitely one of these. At the bare minimum of his power, he Jupiter can swat ten grown men with ease. At the maximum extent of his powers, he is possibly the strongest being in all of existence with enough strength to take on the dragon Gandamak, who is known to be STRONGER than the Almighty One. He has to be sealed though because unfortunately, he is also an example of Sealed Evil in a Can and would have no problem watching the world burn. Or rather, burning the world.
- Sex Changes Everything: After having sex with Jago, Lind returns to Heaven, only to have her powers restricted, her licence and rank revoked, she's literally branded a traitor and is then exiled from Heaven. And she considers this the best career move she's ever had.
- Shotguns Are Just Better: Jago, Bob and even Keiichi all end up using shotguns.
- Shotgun Wedding: Jago does this to Keiichi and Belldandy. Well not exactly but it's the closest thing I could think of. Afterwards, it's implied they become Insatiable Newlyweds. Finally! It's only taken them FOUR YEARS!
- Silk Hiding Steel: Lamb is a genuinely nice person; sweet, funny and with good sense of humour. She's also just about the only one who could beat Lind in a one-on-one duel. She also has her Prime form which basically makes her the physical embodiment of both armed and unarmed combat. With a BIG sword.
- Sword and Gun: Technically, more khukuri and gun but Jago does use a sword as well so...
- Tears of Joy: Lind has a few of these moments particularly after Jago's malaria attack
- Unorthodox Holstering: Jago pulls a .22 pistol seemingly out of his trousers. When asked where he was hiding it tells them not to ask.
- What Does She See in Him?: The initial reaction for most goddesses upon realising that Jago and Lind are together.
- You Cannot Grasp the True Form: during Jago's duel with Lind, she shows her true form. It is barely describable.