The official character page can be found here.John Kossler:
"Aw, man. I can't read you self-confident people or what you're doing and why you're doing it. If I could, I'd, you know... do it too."Introduced in issue 1, John is one of the comic's central characters, based primarily on the author and artist of the work. John is relaxed and easy-going with a self-deprecating sense of humor. He wishes for a girlfriend but is so overcome with anxiety at the thought of asking a woman out that he doesn't really bother.
"Ladies and gentlemen, the performance has come to close. I imagine many of you are upset about the things you saw tonight. Others by my liberal use of monkey blood. These feelings are natural and expected... This is the goal of the performance artist."
"WHY CAN'T I JUST BE GAY!?"
Jason: '"You need to inflict your personality on women as soon as possible."
John: "You mean afflict my personality on women. Inflict is only used for inanimate objects.
Jason: "Yeah, I know."
Grace: "It makes sense. Wait until you know he digs you and then attack so he never sees you coming."
Lillith:"Considering how long it's been since my strategy worked, no one's seen me come in a while."
"So basically I'm giving up a $30,000 a year job to be able to act like a 14-year-old again?"
"Why do you hate me?"
Poor Trotmann to his alarm clock after being awoken by a particularly nice dream.
"It's so surreal. You wake up and find out you're not who you thought you were."
Morris: "You're pretty much the Gestapo of Upstate New York, Harry."
Harry: "You kinda ruined my childhood there, Mayor."
The Mayor: "Yeah, well, you ruined your mother's figure, so you know... Even Steven."'''