When we last left off our hero, he killed, killed, killed, and... erm... killed. But that’s not all he did! In fact, he got a call from someone to go investigate a strange and mysterious creature! Who is this mysterious creature? Well, let’s find out in...
Apparently, it’s a dragon with control of the seasons. Well, this is gonna turn into Pete's Dragon faster than you can say “Spike gets no respect in Season 3”. So Vash decides to help out the dragon by stealing a shit-ton of food, and using advanced satellite technology to deter a good home for him. Great, now he can exert smoke from his nap, prompting technicolor dream-horses to go and try to get him out... Did I just make a joke about My Little Pony’s first season and its third season in the same paragraph? Yay me! ... OH GOD I JUST REFERENCED A DISNEY SHOW QUICK TO THE NEXT PARAGRAPH BEFORE I START REFERENCING NICK SHOWS!
Ahhh... Thank God... I thought I’d start attaching lower capital I’s to the start of my words like I’m Steve Jobs... Oh, and Vash’s awarded with the power to teleport. Because the season-controlling dragon is also a Yardrat. Because of this, it seemed that it made Vash a lot more pacifistic, since he didn’t try to kill a spy who looked at the Dragon in his newfound cave home, but rather delete all evidence she had and teleported her home. No, Vash didn’t pull a Griffin’s Story and jump her somewhere where immediate death is close by, he just took her home. Where ever her home is. Do I care? No. I’m more shocked that Vash actually spared a life for once and didn’t rip her head off. Guess he learned from the Soku incident.
He then visited the Dragon (multiple times thanks to his teleportation), even going as far as weighing him. I... Okay, I have no sense of scale, so I’m not sure how much nine hundred quadrillion pounds are, but I can probably tell that it’d probably be very impossible. Not even Dark Matter weighed that much. I mean, the dragon probably wouldn’t even fly if he was that huge. But hey, Christian Humber Reloaded is more or less a Crack Fic, so it’s meant to be this Beyond the Impossible. I’ll let it slide.
And right after this, our dragon becomes Mr. Seahorse. Well, I should have named this part Battle Tendency, since it’s starting to get Crazy Awesome. Anyways, the eggs are starting to kill the dragon-
{suddenly, someone enters the room}
Rosalie: Say the word, Psy. Baby. It's just a little baby.
... Okay, one, what the fuck are you doing here? Two, I’m named after the Rider, not the Singer. And three, the fucking Dragon has about {looks at text} ... I can’t believe I’m quoting this, and believe me, I like quoting dead memes, but over nine thousand eggs.
{then Nappa bursts into the room}
Nappa: WHAT, 9000!?
Yeah. Nine thousand eggs. And they’re all ki-
Rosalie: Babies.
DOES IT EVEN MATTER!?
{TV Static comes in to show Professor Elm}
Elm: Actually, it does.
{Psyga facepalms}
Oh my God...
Elm: There’s a clear difference between dragon eggs and dragon babies. Eggs are just simply that: eggs. If you were to compare it to human life development cycles, it would be like a fetus, developing the body on the inside of the shell.
Rosalie: Elm, honey, it’s one little word: baby.
Elm: But it’s not! Babies are synonymous with the word hatchling! As in they hatch from the egg! You don’t call a fetus a baby in the same way you don’t call an egg a hatchling!
Rosalie: I can’t believe you! Chastising a life that hasn’t even been born yet with insistent terminology!
ARE WE SERIOUSLY HAVING A PRO-LIFE DISCUSSION IN THE MIDDLE OF OUR CRAZY AWESOME FANFIC ABOUT A PREGNANT MALE DRAGON!? JESUS H.C. HAMMER! PROMETHEUS DOESN’T HAVE THIS MUCH OF A PRO-LIFE MESSAGE! YOU GET THE FUCK OUT RIGHT NOW BEFORE I CALL UP THE SPEEDWAGON FOUNDATION AND ASK THEM HOW GOOD THE RIPPLE DOES AGAINST MEYERPIRES!
Rosalie: Fine.
{Rosalie rolls her eyes and gets out}
Elm: Well, I’m glad science wins once again-
YOU GET OUT TOO!
Elm: Fine.
{Elm shuts off his radio feed}
Alright, so Breaking Dawn joke aside-
Nappa: You know what would be funny? A CLANNAD joke!
... What?
Nappa: I mean, it’s not mainstream, it has almost the same plot point as Breaking Dawn, and fans of the show would get the reference and feel intelligent for it!
... Remind me again why you’re here.
Nappa: Because I make the most memes!
... Riiiiiiiiight, you know what? Nappa, that’s it, you need to leave.
Nappa: Oh! Oh! I know that game! Oh... What’s it called...
{As he’s guessing, Psyga shoves Nappa towards the door, phasing through any objects in his way}
I’ll be fine, you just have to go.
Nappa: OH! I KNOW! It’s Fa-
{Psyga slams the door on Nappa}
... Right, Breaking Dawn joke aside, the eggs are killing Dragon on the inside, and thus Vash has to gather the most intelligent doctors the world has seen, because if Dragon dies, the world’s fucked. Everyone seems to be cool with helping a dragon give birth to a shit ton of eggs, but then again, this is going into Battle Tendency levels of crazy awesomeness, so at this rate, let’s shut up and enjoy the popcorn.
What? But... You just... You... WHAT THE FUCK!? YOU GAVE THE DRAGON TO SOME DOCTORS! I THINK HE IS ALREADY DISCOVERED BY NOW! Fortunately for our buddy, Dragon has healed faster than Dragon did, but they get held up by a ring master who I decided to imagine to be Hamegg... Yes, THE Hamegg... given how I managed to guess the Inuyasha reference in Sonichu, I won’t be surprised that Hamegg was also who the author had in mind.
Normally, Vash would say “Enough talk!” and stab Hamegg, but he decides that “HE’S GOT A SHOTGUN!” and blows Hamegg’s head off. Fortunately, Hamegg was pulling a sort of Mommy Fortuna and was holding mythical creatures in his illegal circus. Well, that’s a nice change for Vash. Maybe the murder of Soku and her haunting caused him to see the error of his ways and so he vows to kill only evil and wicked men, which, if it’s true, is a cool throwback to the Shonen heroes of yesteryear. After getting a shit ton of money, he decides to pay a thousand bucks to some orphans.
Waaaaaait... They’re orphans, right? So why do they have parents? Aren’t orphans supposed to be... oh I don’t know... parentless? If they’re orphans but they got parents, they were either adopted by said parents or they are runaways. Either way, it’s not what an orphan means. Oh, and Vash arrests the drunken abusive parents, which is seriously making me consider if what I mentioned above is actually true. If this was Chapter 1’s Vash, he’d kill the parents, then the orphans for good measure. It’s actually nice to see some change in him. And to think, I didn’t expect to see character development in this fanfic.
So because Vash had been a good sport to the Dragon, he forges him three magic swords which pretty much act as Pokeballs in the sense that they’re used to capture other Dragons. So he goes and confronts them...
OH GOD I CAN SEE THE ANIME THIS WILL MAKE DRAGONS WILL TAKE OVER THE WORLD AND HUMANITY WILL BE REDUCED TO A TOWN WITH ONLY THREE WALLS AND ONE OF THEM WILL BREAK AND MY GOD THIS PREDICTED SHINGEKI NO KYOJIN AND AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH-
{has a potato shoved down his mouth, suddenly his pupils shrink}
... Woah man... that’s some good potato... Dude... Maybe this fanfic isn’t some sort of crystal ball, maaaaan... Maybe it’s all in my head... yeah. It’s all in my head. So Rainbow Vash defeats the Draconequus but then he gets eaten and then turns into a Nine-Tailed Super Titan in his Second Gearkai and... ooops... wrong movie, I think I spoiled the part where Snidely Whiplash confronts Blonde Tim Curry Vampire and is told he ate too much bread and then was licked by some chick because liars taste good...
{Wataru enters the room}
Wataru: Damn it, I thought I told you to give him Momentai! Not Sasha’s potatoes! Come on, Psy, we’re going to detox you.
You can run, but you can’t hide from the Great Potato! OPA GUNDAM STYLE!
{gets dragged out}
{gets dragged back in}
I can’t believe I got high off a potato. Where were we? Oh, right. So there’s this gang of people who are bullying the dragons (You heard right) and Vash got eaten by a dragon, then transformed into his Super Mode, bursting out of the dragon, hence my reference above. Realizing he actually killed (“Tonight you're gonna break your one rule!”), he has a Heroic BSoD and leaves his dragon buddy.
So he goes to China where this evil dragon has been cursing the land and that he has to go to hell to cleanse his heart of his sins, and soon, he gains a new sword. Dear God, at this rate, Brolli Diamondback will be outsworded. However, the sword is meant to put the dragon to sleep, and not really kill it. So, as expected, he goes “Well, this won’t do shit!” and decides to try and kill the dragon with his good sword, but realizes that the sleep sword is the only weapon to work on the dragon. So he decides, “fuck it, fusion tiem!” and fuses his swords together to make one cool sword and kills the dragon that way. Though he combined it with the Pokeball Sword, so I don’t get why the Sleep Sword + the Pokeball Sword makes a Killing Sword, but okay.
He fucks up China and caused a Yin-Yang War for some reason... I guess because there’s no room in hell for the dragon to go, all the demons just rise from their graves? The Priest tried to steal his sword, but he gets electrocuted for it because... well, no one just takes Vash’s sword(s). So anyways, he manages to kill exactly one hundred demons in one blow, and decides to name his newly fused sword Tetsiga. A random word that’s probably misspelt. I mean, nothing generic like something Japanese for “Demon Killing Sword”?
Wataru: Well, if you want to know, it is a misspelling of Tessaiga, Inuyasha’s sword, which means in Japanese "Iron-Smashing Fang". The fang part of the name being that it was a fang at some point.
Wait, so because it can kill hundreds of demons, Vash decides to call the sword after a different feat entirely?
Wataru: Well, Tessaiga can also kill hundreds of demons, so that could be where he got the name.
Oooooooooooooh! Okay then. That makes a bit of sense, especially since he knows a lot about the Shikon Jewel, he must have known a bit about other stuff about the Inuyashaverse. So he goes back to Dragon, and Dragon asks to lend his hand in the Yin-Yang war, only to be told “That’s okay, I got this badass sword instead.” But after Dragon... ahem... “insists”, Vash tells him he can join, but if things get hectic, he has to get the fuck out of dodge. Then this demon comes and he’s like “in ten day’s time, the war will begin!” and Vash is like “dude, can we do this war in the wastelands?” and the demon’s like: “Sure!” And then Vash says “Okay, let me tell my DEAD FAMILY that I’m gonna fight.” Yeah, you see the problem here? So he goes and trains for ten years. “But Psyga,” you say. “You said the war will begin in ten days!” Ohhh... Yes... Well kid, let me tell you bout the Hyperbolic Time Chamber... Yes. He used it.
How he managed to get to Kami’s Lookout to get to there, how he managed to stay in there for ten days without losing himself inside the chamber after only two, and how he managed to convince Kami or Popo that he’s a good guy can be explained as well as how killing a dragon caused a war. Because... Fuck it, that’s why. Vash gains every single Super Saiyan level (Even God?
) and his Dragon friend got so scared that he tried to kill him. However, he says Dragon’s a sing-song brother and he’s cool. Ah, I see that sing-song brother is the Christian Humber Reloaded version of the tushy shake from My Little Pony: Friendship Is Magic. And then the war begins. He manages to kick some ass, but Demon Dude uses Stun Spore and Vash calls hax on him. Then Demon Dude gets his ass handed to by the dragon, who is now named Season Bringer.
He revealed that he got stronger because he died at one point and went training in the afterlife. What? There’s not really a lot of ways he could go to “The Other World” without either teleporting right to a place in the Afterlife or, the more obvious and easier way, dying. And then Vash tells Season Bringer to get every living creature on Earth to lend him his energy. Yeah, he’s going for the Spirit Bomb. I’m not gonna point out the fact that the Spirit Bomb only succeeded once in the entire show’s run (not counting movies) and instead point out that if Season Bringer was the one who trained in the Other World, it would make sense if he knew Spirit Bomb. After all, King Kai was the one who taught Goku the technique, not Kami.
Wait... The Wind Scar? Clever girl! Making me think he was going for the Spirit Bomb when really he was going for the Wind Scar. That gets some points. And so, they heal up, celebrate, and then head over to some head honchos in the afterlife (I don’t know how the hell they go there, but I’m gonna assume it’s better that way) and ask them if they can be guardians of the Earth. Though, they’ve seen the shit Vash pulled and opted to just make them Holy Warriors. I would ask why he’s given the title of “holy”, but then again, if the Prayer Warriors get God’s Blessing...
Andohgodzergrush. Yeah, the Zerg from StarCraft seem to have arrived. After Vash and Season Bringer murder the Zerg, they get a call from one of the most cutest aliens there is...
Wataru: Uh... Psyga, that’s not the same Kerrigan.
What?
Wataru: Yeah. The Kerrigan from the Legendary Frog cartoons is an Original Character. This is Sarah Louise Kerrigan, the self-styled Queen of Blades.
Wait... Serah?
Wataru: No! Sarah! With an A!
Oh. Party pooper. Apparently he and Kerrigan have a past that we haven’t heard about. Huh, wonder if he’s gonna start singing how she’s his BBBFF (Big Bad Best Friend Forever). Seriously, this came out of left field. Dude hates her guts so much that he tried to cut her off, and the only reason why she’s still talking is because Season Bringer wanted to hear what she had to say. Okay, so apparently there’s this Overmind and Vash has to kill it. But, Vash doesn’t have Dark Templar powers... not sure how that would kill the Overmind, but then again, killing a dragon starts Yin-Yang Wars.
So he has to get them from this planet called Sakura (you know it’s an Original Character if the name doesn’t match the names in the continuity.) but in order to do that, he has to go into space. And so, Kerrigan gives him some dogtags... somehow, and the dogtags give him the hint to go to the CIA and nab a ship from Area 51. What? No. No. I know, I have to suspend my disbelief after the pregnant male dragon, but the CIA don’t have dogtags. That’s the army. Anyways, Vash heads over to the CIA and after a little bit of talking, he manages to get into the Area. I’d ask why the CIA manage to accept a guy who was a raving lunatic, but then I realized the guy was infamous for beating up the Emperor, a feat that would have gotten him executed. I figured they’d let him in because they know the consequences if they don’t.
So they go to a ship and Vash is told that the ship is very small, and thus only two people can fit. He then points to the world’s most massive dragon in all of fiction to be his co-pilot. No. No. No. No. No. No. NO!
OH MAMA MIA MAMA MIA!
MAMA MIA LET ME GO!
CHRISTIAN HUMBLER HAS A CRACK FIC PUT ASIDE FOR ME... FOR ME... FOR MEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!
{GUITAR SOLO!}
Wataru: Damn it, he’s gone crazy... You know what? Feed him another potato! At this rate, I’d rather have him be stoned than bouncing off the walls.
SO YOU THINK YOU CAN STONE ME AND SPIT IN MY EYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYE! SO YOU THINK YOU CAN LOVE ME AND LEAVE ME TO DIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII-
{two men in white suits force-feed Psyga a potato}
Duuuuuude... Woah... That... what a rush, maaaaaaan. I forgot we’re running on Crazy Awesome... Thank God for those potatoes... Because now I can read this without picking it apart... So... where were we? Ah yeah. Season Bringer can pilot mechas... That’s awesome. A massive dragon can pilot a mecha that’s half his size and possibly be unable to fit into the cockpit... Dude, that’s the best thing ever...
Wataru: Uh, Psyga, you’re still picking it apart.
Huh... I am?
Wataru: Yeah! You’re doing sarcasm!
Oh... Huh... Anyways, they train in a black hole, which is badass, because it shows that they’re able to withstand the gravitational pull of the hole and survive being torn apart or whatever happens when you get in the hole. So they go over to the Dark Templars and after scaring them into teaching them their ways, he is able to take on Gravemind.
Wataru: Overmind.
That’s what I said.
Wataru: No, you didn’t.
What did I say?
Wataru: Gravemind.
What’s the difference?
Wataru: Gravemind’s from Halo.
Oh... But they look so alike... Massive blobs of Cosmic Horror... And so the next chapter opens with a scene that’s sort of like this:
Overmind: I AM COMPLEEEEEEEEEETEEEEEEEEEEE!
Vash and Season Bringer: FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU-UUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCK!!!
Overmind: YES YOU ARE FUCKED! SHIT OUT OF LUCK! NOW I’M COMPLETE AND MY JOCK YOU WILL PLUCK! THIS WORLD WILL BE MINE! AND YOU’RE FIRST IN LINE! YOU BROUGHT ME THE PICK AND NOW YOU SHALL BOTH DIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIEEEEEEEEEE!
{sobers up}
So their solution is to get the Predators to assist them. I’m dead serious. They’re going to have the Predators and have them fight the Zerg. You know, there are a few times when I reach the pinnacle of Crossover Nirvana. And whenever I do, I hear a chorus of angels. I’m close to hearing it now. All we need now is Master Chief and this crossover is complete. Though they manage to bring Takanuva instead, so I guess that’s good. Though he’s only there to say: “We would help, but we’re in another world entirely, and we can’t really get to you where we are. Have fun storming the castle though!”
Though Vash decides to build a warp gate (but he needs to construct additional pylons!) and he manages to get the Toa to Planet Sakura. Really? We’re going with that name? Alright. Then they go to Planet Char, which, to my surprise, isn’t named after the famous Mobile Suit Gundam character, but rather an actual Starcraft planet. So it’s revealed that Season Bringer, a Dragon, can go Super Saiyan now... Yeah, before I rage on that... {munches on another of Sasha’s potatoes} Oh maaaaaan, is that the most epic thing ever or what? Now there’s like... two Super Saiyans! Now they can, like, fuuuuuse! And then Vash plays an April Fool’s prank on Overmind and becomes SSJ5! After he was done with that he decides to pull a Vegeta and try to blow the bug planet up, but Season Bringer stops him.
{Nappa pops in again}
Nappa: Ah, I remembered the Bug Planet... It was... Oh God no!
{Nappa sees Psyga with the potato. He grabs it and tosses it away from him}
Dude, the heck?
Nappa: How many did you have!?
I dunno... Like... 2? 3?
Nappa: Don’t you know what those potatoes will do to you!?
I... wait... are we doing this drug thing? Nah man... Nah...
Nappa: I’m afraid I’m gonna have to bring you over to Potatoholics Anonymous! Eating those potatoes will seriously cause negative consequences to your health and life!
Oh please, shove more clueless morals down my throat.
Nappa: Gladly! You know how many people died from eating a potato?
Wataru: Absolutely none. Okay, seriously Psyga, this potato thing is getting old. It was just another anime scene blown completely out of proportions.
Ignore the fuzz, he hates memes. Aaaaaaand...
{suddenly sobers up} Wait... Did he just... make Vash actually a Saiyan instead of “suddenly SSJ powers”?
...
My God. The writer is actually improving! I DON’T NEED VEGETABLES THAT WERE MADE MEMETIC BY A SINGLE SCENE TO IMPROVE MY VIEWING! I’M MORE THAN THAT!
{Psyga goes to the potato and tosses it away}
Nappa, Wataru, thank you. You’ve finally helped me see the way.
Wataru: We didn’t do anything!
Silly Watty, haven’t you learnt anything from Pooh’s Adventures? The best people are the ones who don’t do anything. Now then, back to the fanfic. So it seems Vash’s gone back to his “you looked at me funny, so you will die!” personality, or as I will call it, his Phantom Blood personality. He even gets a Red Baron-esqe nickname. Two in fact.
Sorry, that was just so easy to spot.
... What? What do you mean, everyone?
{jumps back in surprise}
Holy shit! Sorry for asking, Jesus... So moving from the Demon that killed EH-VERY-ONE that may never be mentioned again, Vash goes to the Arctic and he becomes the chosen one. Wow, this guy’s lucky. Met a dragon, caused a yin-yang war, fought the Zerg, and now he’s The Chosen One. He’s taken to the Master Ice Emerald by his new wolfpack (careful, one of them might put roofies in your drink) and is given... Wait, did Vash get branded by a fal’Cie? Seriously, read this quote!
That is so giving me Final Fantasy XIII vibes! Well, at least he’s permitted to do this now. So Vash is told by the elders that if he uses the Emeralds’ powers with the Saiyan powers, he might go insane. Vash tells the elder to relax and boasts a bit of his powers of being able to blow up half the planet.
Who the fuck is Kekanu? I think I might have skipped the umpteenth “My corrupted self attacked me again” chapter, but looking at the previous part, I find nothing related to this Kekanu fellow. I’m gonna have to assume it’s his corrupt self, again. Would I be able to call this guy Hollow Vash? So he’s told by the elders that he has to defeat Kekanu using the Emeralds, and he takes the fight to the Master Emerald. And what do you know? He managed to lose control of himself! Yep! So, how powerful were you again, Vash?
After he massacres the entire wolfpack (oh the irony), Spin the Hedgehog arrives. It’s revealed that Vash caused a space-time continuum rip when he raged and he decides to go pay Chaos, the asshat that corrupted him and had him kill Kaze, a little visit. After a training montage in the HBTC, Vash is now able to become Hyper Vash. Because the Emeralds turned super. Noticing something familiar about this? Oh, but that’s not the best part! Remember when I commented on him being named after Vash The Stampede? Well now he has one more thing in common with Vash! THE ANGEL ARM! So... He’s part Wolf, part Human, part Saiyan, and part Plant? I’m almost expecting Vash to say “I’m 40% Titanium!” at some point. So after bringing Season Bringer along and punching Spin for saying “eggs” (wha?), Vash is ready to confront Chaos.
And the narrative tried to pull a Battle Network reference, prompting Season Bringer to comment on how odd that is. Vash doesn’t care and he decides to keep going. He soon fights a bunch of demons with his first sword, Tetsume, and realizes that it’s the Chaos Killer sword, allowing him to unlock Super Saiyan Six. It’s at this point where I realize he’s taking on a Warhammer40k character. That’s... I guess it’s epic. Look, all I know out of 40k is “Blood for the Blood God” and that it’s a pretty fun strategy game with a surprising amount of lore. Then Kekanu arrives again and the final FINAL battle begins. Which ends pretty quickly. I’m actually surprised that Vash lampshades how many times he fought Kekanu. He then dies killing Chaos. Huh... Waaaaait... Wataru, how many more chapters are left?
Wataru: Four more after this one.
Yeah, thought so. You ain’t pulling a fake out ending on us like that! Waaaait... This is EXACTLY like Battle Tendency! Think about it! Vash destroyed an old enemy like Joseph and both were considered to be dead! Damn! Clever writing. The way Vash shows off that he isn’t dead at his own funeral (which is held five years after his supposed for some odd reason... guess Season Bringer, the only witness of his death, took five years getting to Earth) is simply badass and is worth a read.
Huh... Wataru, remind me send a Medal of Honour over to Fluttershy’s house. An abusive rabbit deserves one for what he did.
Nappa: Oh! Oh! I can do it!
{Nappa then leaves the room}
... Yeah. So anyways, the story wraps up, everyone’s happy, Vash is made a Judge, he and the Emperor are now buddies (though I could be mistaking the Warhammer Emperor for the Japanese one), trains some Space Marines, is able to go to hell and spar with his corrupted self, and can hang out with the Toa. So what new hijinx will Vash encounter? Well, if it involves him having to bail out his grandson...
But, we will bring this chapter to a close now. What do I think of this chapter? It was the best so far! It felt more crazy awesome than the previous installment and more like a typical Shonen anime, which if that was what the author was going for, he seemed to be right in the money. I liked the pacing of this chapter too. There are different arcs in this chapter and each of them have their three-act structure. So, what happens next? Tune in next time to see what happens in Part 3.
