We try to kill SCP-682

Result: Failure. SCP-682 simply slid off of the spikes without being harmed.

Test: Ensnare it with the Sinning Tree

Result: The Sinning Tree had no effect on 682's mind, and was torn to shreds.

Test: Throw it in a pocket dimension, then detonate a Reality Bomb.

edited 2nd Nov '12 1:26:19 PM by Randomman5

Result: SUCCESS! 682 was last observed screaming in agony, before vanishing in a dust cloud. Subject has not been seen since.

ADDENDUM: On █/█/████, █ weeks after the apparent termination of SCP-682, the subject reappeared in Site-██, screaming something about "letting me die in that shithole". Over ██ were killed in its rampage before being safely contained again.

Test: Redesignate SCP-682 as SCP-048, with explicit O5 approval.

Result: Failure. SCP-682's containment procedures failed almost immediately, resulting in ██ D-Class and █ security personnel casualties.

Note: What the [EXPLETIVE REDACTED] did you expect? — Dr. █████████

Test: Show SCP-682 the contents of Dr. Bright's Porn Stash.

Result: [DATA EXPUNGED]

OH GOD IT'S EVERYWHERE- Dr Retracted

Test: Drop it into the universe of [DATA EXPUNGED], with explicit O5 approval. Make sure it actually gets into the portal this time.

Result: Failure. SCP-682 was thrown out, with a strange loud spit noise.

Test: Eat SCP-682.

What? I didn't eat breakfest! Dr. [DATA EXPUNGED]

Result: After eating SCP-682, Dr. [REDACTED] reported severe stomach pains. He was then [DATA EXPUNGED] and SCP-682 had to be detained once more before cleanup of a massive quantity of [DATE EXPUNGED].

"What the hell was that supposed to accomplish?!" - Dr. ██████

Test: Use the Shun Goku Satsu on it.

edited 2nd Nov '12 1:26:33 PM by Randomman5

Well... shut up. Now I can put a toy boat down my throat! Dr. {REDACTED}

Result: Failure. 682 was unaffected.

Test: Punch SCP-682 in the face.

Well, SPC does it all the time. Why not SCP? I'm not getting terminated, am I? Dr. {REDACTED}

Result: The D-Class punched SCP-682 square in the jaw. SCP-682 then made a sound somewhat similar to a laugh, and promptly ate the D-Class.

"Now that both the scientists and the SCP are well-fed, can we move on to something that will work?" - Dr. ██████

Test: Fire every gun we have at it. ALL OF THEM.

edited 2nd Nov '12 1:26:47 PM by Randomman5

Result: All ammunition owned by the Foundation was fired at 682. 682 was unharmed, and the Foundation does not have the funding required to replace them.

What's worse, we can't even ask for more money due to an ongoing relief effort. Thanks, Sandy. -Dr. [REDACTED]

Test: Detain 682 underneath the Dead Sea.

edited 1st Nov '12 12:38:29 PM by VmKid

Result: Failed. 682 found the barren sea rather luxurious. [REDACTED] number of personnel were killed while escorting him to his containment.

Test: Give SCP-682 his tax papers.

Must've stacked high due to his kill rate. Dr. [DATA EXPUNGED]

edited 1st Nov '12 2:02:15 PM by Trip

Result: Failure. SCP-682 files his taxes perfectly, on time, without complaint. It then, somehow, got into the Foundation's files and did our taxes, as well.

"Well, at least that's one less thing to take care of..." Dr. █████████

Test: Use the Devilmite Beam on it.

edited 2nd Nov '12 1:27:03 PM by Randomman5

Result: Failure. Devilman was eaten before he could use it.

Test: Have a poll on the best show ever, then show it to 682.

It loves the nasty stuff, so he'll revolt the awesome stuff.

Result: Failure. The poll audience was filled with people of horrible taste, who chose Jersey Shore for the #1 spot. SCP-682 laughed.

Test: Subject SCP-682 to every possible and impossible harmful thing simultaneously

Result: Test Cancelled.

"You people seem to forget this thing adapts. We are not throwing literally everything at it - what if that doesn't work?!" - Dr.█████

Test: Use fire. ALL of the fire. Then use more fire.

edited 2nd Nov '12 1:28:52 PM by Randomman5

Result: Testing denied by O5 Council. "That much fire will destroy the Earth's supply of oxygen! We're trying to kill IT, not US." -O5-*****

Test: Dismemberment.

Result: 682 regenerated immediately.

Test: Sacrifice two D-Class by having them cross the streams on him.

Result: Test VERY cancelled!

"Full protonic reversal? All life stopping instantaneously and every molecule in your body exploding at the speed of light? That's three very good reasons why we're not doing this!" Dr. [REDACTED]

Test: Fire it at a star, then collapse said star into a black hole.

edited 2nd Nov '12 1:27:52 PM by Randomman5

Result: Cancelled: We already tried that. It didn't work. And 682 came back on fire. - All of the Doctors

Test: Put SCP-682 in Jersey Shore

Result: SCP-682 enjoyed the show, and even let the cast members go. He ate [DATA EXPUNGED] audience members and D-classies.

Test: Cut 682 in half, wait for them to regenerate, then have them kill each other. While they do so, have SCP-173 enter, and if they stop, destroy all of their cells. If not, we still win.

Bit complicated, but fail proof.

Result: Test cancelled.

"According to the official test logs, ███ security personnel, ███ D-class personnel, and ██ researchers have died the last time this was done. Simply put, two fully regenerated SCP-682s is waaaaayyyyyyyy too much to handle.

And SCP-173 couldn't kill even one SCP-682 due to size difference." - Agent ██████

Test: Send in Scrappy-Doo and Wesley Crusher armed with whatever they think will kill that damned lizard into SCP-682's containment chamber.

edited 5th Nov '12 10:27:20 AM by despoa

Result: Success. Both test subjects were killed by 682 in nearly record times.

EDIT ██/██/████: The researchers in question have re-evaluated the test results and have determined the test to be a failure. "It turns out we were trying to kill 682, not feed it. Oops." - Dr. █████. Researchers in question were not punished for their actions.

Test: Feed 682 an idiotic amount of laxatives.

Result: FAILURE.

SCP-682 excreted feces in all directions at a lethal velocity breaking the sound barrier, breaching containment and killing all personnel that made contact with the feces. The process took 6 hours. Two hours in, SCP-682 grew eyes near its [DATA EXPUNGED] and started aiming its feces at all sensitive material and personnel it could find.

After six hours have passed, with observation from a flying robot drone, SCP-682 was found lying on the ground, making no movements. Vital signs were minimal but the object is still alive.

Site-██ destroyed and put on indefinite quarantine. ████ casualties, ██ survivors. All SC Ps from Site-██ were safely recovered with robot drones, including SCP-682, still in a comatose state at the time, and transferred to Site-██.

Researchers in question were made D-Class and assigned to Keter duty.

Test: Send in Onslaught into SCP-682's containment chamber and command it to destroy that damned lizard.

edited 5th Nov '12 12:10:21 PM by despoa

Result: Onslaught refused to enter SCP-682's containment.

Test: Arrange 682 a vacation to Hawaii.

Who knows, maybe it's just stressed out... Dr.      

Result: Failure. Hawaii is gone. Not destroyed, gone. It isn't there anymore.

Test: Place SCP-682 on a rocket sled and slam it into a wall at supersonic speeds.