The man with no name
> Pick up Nightstand
Edited by CanuckMcDuck1 on Mar 14th 2024 at 9:50:39 AM
For a guy nicknamed Blondie, he is not the tiniest bit blond!
awww, the scrunkly <3
> Pick up Nightstand
You try to pick up your nightstand, and your phone slides off the top. Lifting up the nightstand took more energy than you had at this time of day, so you set it back down where it was.
[input command]
Edited by Pogakure on Mar 14th 2024 at 12:32:39 PM
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Meito Anizawa, Anime Tenchou
>check drawers
"Leftover items still have value!"
Always open to sharing avatars.
> Log on into the internet with the laptop
The true power of us human beings is that we can change ourselves on our own.
awww, the scrunkly <3
>check drawers
You open each of the nightstand's three drawers. In the top drawer was your wallet, a spiral notepad and pen, and three (3) stale peppermints. The middle drawer held a phone charger and a set of screwdrivers. The bottom drawer was empty.
> Log on into the internet with the laptop
You flipped open your laptop. It automatically opened up to Twitter, your favorite place to spread dissent and chaos. You scrolled through countless posts filled with unfunny memes, virtue signaling, and worthless complaining before stumbling upon a post that caught your attention. It was from the official Twitter account of the city of Hamilton, where you lived, and it read, Remember to join us on December 19th at 7:00 PM for our yearly Christmas Tree Lighting ceremony! We can't wait to light up the holiday season with all of you! Attached to the post was a picture of the big Christmas tree in the middle of the city square downtown.
Bah humbug. If only you could dislike Twitter posts...
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The man with no name
> Post misinformation on Twitter
For a guy nicknamed Blondie, he is not the tiniest bit blond!
What, me worry?
> Hack someone's Twitter and post humiliating things on their account
awww, the scrunkly <3
> Post misinformation on Twitter
You logged into your alt @HamiltonCityREAL, a parody account made solely to impersonate the official Hamilton City Twitter page, and quote-retweeted their post, "clarifying" that the Christmas tree lighting will actually be on the 21st. The middle-aged moms will have no clue they've been duped!
> Hack someone's Twitter and post humiliating things on their account
You have no clue how to hack into other people's online accounts, unfortunately. If you called Mitch on your phone, he could probably teach you how. He seems like the kind of guy to know how to hack Twitter accounts.
Speaking of your phone — which is still on the floor, by the way — you hear a sound effect indicating that someone texted you a message play loudly from across the room. You never put your phone into silent mode ever, because you reveled in the annoyance people felt when they could hear every notification you got.
[input command]
Edited by Pogakure on Mar 14th 2024 at 9:11:50 AM
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What, me worry?
> Learn the ways of hacking from Mitch
awww, the scrunkly <3
> Learn the ways of hacking from Mitch
Determined to learn how to dox people online, you scamper over to your phone and pick it up.
The first thing you see is a text from Sarah Baker, the woman who lived next door with her son Tommy. Ah, Miss Baker. One of the few people in the neighborhood who didn't immediately brush you off. She was pretty chill. Her text read, Book club meeting tonight has been pushed back to 7:00 PM, working overtime. You almost forgot that the book club you were a part of was supposed to meet today.
You didn't respond to her text. Instead, you dialed Mitch Fuller, compsci major, skilled programmer, and Egon Spengler lookalike. Surely he could teach you his hacker ways. Fortunately for you, he picked up.
(Note:Text is color coded depending on who's speaking. Michael will always be red. Mitch is blue.)
"Hey Jackass. What's up?"
Yeah, Mitch called you a jackass. Everyone called you a jackass. You were a jackass. It was basically a term of endearment at this point.
"Okay, so you know how to hack shit, right?"
"Uh... Yeah?"
"I need you to teach me how to do that."
"And you want me to disclose this information to you because..."
[input dialogue]
(Note: From here on out, you may find that sometimes you'll be given the option to input dialogue instead of/in addition to a command, usually in response to something someone else said to you. Logically, I can't use every line of dialogue you write, so I'll usually choose the one that I find the funniest.)
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Meito Anizawa, Anime Tenchou
"idk just thought it would be funny"
"Leftover items still have value!"
Braids From S286 Not Included
"There's this lady next door who postponed our book meeting 'cuz she's been working her ass off the whole day. I wanna get back at her for that in the most humiliating way possible."
"Rarity, are you okay? We gotta get you and your friends outta here soon!"
awww, the scrunkly <3
> "idk just thought it would be funny"
"Really? You wanna become a hacker because you think it's funny?"
You snickered underneath your breath. "Yeah, kinda."
Mitch sighed. "Of course you do, Jackass. Look, tell you what, I'll be free around noon. Stop by my place around then and I'll teach you everything I know.
"Alright."
Mitch then hangs up. You check the time on your phone. It's only 8:45 AM, so you have about three hours to kill.
New Goal Unlocked: Go to Mitch Fuller's house and learn his hacker ways.
[input command]
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Braids From S286 Not Included
> Check the closet for what you can wear to Mitch's house.
Edited by TroperNo9001 on Mar 15th 2024 at 9:06:58 PM
"Rarity, are you okay? We gotta get you and your friends outta here soon!"
awww, the scrunkly <3
> Check the closet for what you can wear to Mitch's house.
You are currently shirtless. You went to bed early last night, so you hadn't ironed a shirt for today in advance like you usually did. You opened your closet in search of a shirt, something not too embarrassing so that Mitch could tell you were serious about learning how to hack shit.
Three shirts caught your eye in particular:
- A Purple Knit Sweater Miss Baker gave you for your birthday this year. You've never worn it, but it looks handmade.
- A Shitty Graphic Tee that read "World's Greatest Master Baiter" on it, adorned with a fishing rod smack dab in the middle. You thought fishing was mid.
- A Green Pinstripe Shirt you got for a cosplay you did a few years ago. You were gonna wear it to a con, but it was canceled on account of the convention hall catching on fire.
[Choose Your Shirt!]
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The man with no name
> Do an evil dance.
For a guy nicknamed Blondie, he is not the tiniest bit blond!
Braids From S286 Not Included
> Wear the pinstripe shirt to show Mitch that you're a nerdy asshole ready to learn how to hack shit from him.
"Rarity, are you okay? We gotta get you and your friends outta here soon!"
Just a random 🐈
A new CYOA? That's nice
Meow meow meow (I am just a lil’ hungry cat, I have nothing to do with a certain guy who hired an assassin)
awww, the scrunkly <3
> Wear the pinstripe shirt to show Mitch that you're a nerdy asshole ready to learn how to hack shit from him.
You put on the pinstripe shirt. It's a bit tight, and you can't get the top two buttons to stay buttoned, but it still fits after a good two years. You also take off your pajama pants and replace them with a pair of dark gray slacks. Now you look like a dork. A dickish dork. A dirck.
> Do an evil dance.
In celebration of still being able to fit in the pinstripe shirt, you do a devious little jig in triumph. Things are looking up!
You put your phone in your back pocket. You should probably grab a few more things before heading downstairs...
Current Goal: Go to Mitch Fuller's house and learn his hacker ways.
Current Inventory: Phone
[input command]
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Braids From S286 Not Included
> Get the wallet, notepad, and pen from the drawers. Peppermints? Why the fuck should you care about how your breath smells? Ignore them.
Edited by TroperNo9001 on Mar 15th 2024 at 11:09:13 PM
"Rarity, are you okay? We gotta get you and your friends outta here soon!"
awww, the scrunkly <3
> Get the wallet, notepad, and pen from the drawers. Peppermints? Why the fuck should you care about how your breath smells? Ignore them.
You open the top drawer of the nightstand and take out the following:
- Your wallet. Filled with standard wallet things. A credit card, 25 dollars in cash and another $3.10 in spare change, your ID, your driver's license. Y'know, wallet shit. You put the wallet in your back pocket.
- A pen. Blue ink, with a clip and one of those really clicky buttons. You clipped the pen onto your shirt pocket, like a true nerd.
- The notepad. It was opened to a page that read, "Don't forget about Sabrina's Christmas present, you fuck!" Shit, you almost forgot! You had to get your cousin Sabrina a present before she came into town next week! Should probably head to the mall or the supermarket for that... You put the notepad in your back pocket as well.
You didn't pick up the peppermints, mainly because them shits were probably stale as fuck and tasted awful.
Current Goals:
- Go to Mitch Fuller's house and learn his hacker ways.
- Buy Sabrina a Christmas present.
Current Inventory: Phone, Wallet, Notepad and Pen
[input command]
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The man with no name
> Leave bedroom
For a guy nicknamed Blondie, he is not the tiniest bit blond!
Braids From S286 Not Included
> But don't forget the charger, and maybe pick up a screwdriver as well. Hacking may involve software stuff, but if things go wrong, you can just dismantle the entire damn PC with it.
I think you should also list the wallet contents, especially the money. They might be useful later.
Edited by TroperNo9001 on Mar 15th 2024 at 11:30:31 PM
"Rarity, are you okay? We gotta get you and your friends outta here soon!"
awww, the scrunkly <3
> Leave bedroom
> But don't forget the charger, and maybe pick up a screwdriver as well. Hacking may involve software stuff, but if things go wrong, you can just dismantle the entire damn PC with it.
You open the second drawer and put the screwdriver in your pocket. You're not sure if you'll need the charger plug, but you put the cable in your pocket anyways.
You open the door and step out of your bedroom. The upstairs bathroom stood across from you. To your right was the staircase that led downstairs to the kitchen, living room and foyer.
Current Goals:
- Go to Mitch Fuller's house and learn his hacker ways.
- Buy Sabrina a Christmas present.
Current Inventory: Phone, Wallet, Notepad and Pen, Screwdriver, Phone Charging Cable
Funds: $28.10 (loose change), however much is on your credit card
[input command]
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It's the most wonderful time of the year! With the kids jingle belling and everyone telling you, “Be of good cheer!” Except you aren't listening to them, because you've always hated the Christmas season. Well, you always hated everything, but there was something about the brightly saturated light displays, the insidious carols in constant rotation the moment Halloween ended, and the saccharinely sweet spirit that characterized the holiday season that really got under your skin.
Wait a minute… Who are you, anyways?
Your name is Michael J. Arseman, but most everyone in the neighborhood calls you “The Jackass,” and for good reason. From the moment you made your less-than-stellar introduction to the people of the Suburban Hills subdivision ten years ago, all of your neighbors have been vilifying you left and right. You hated it at first, but after a while you decided, “Fuck it. If these jackholes wanna hate me so much, I'll give them a reason to hate me!” And you did.
You always went out of your way to be mean, and the Christmas season — a season dedicated to spreading love and joy — was always when you were at your most insufferable.
Hello, and welcome to The Jerkass Chronicles! It's just the same as any other play-by-post Choose Your Own Adventure Game, except you're encouraged to be as much of a douchebag as possible! You have been given the chance to control a man who hates most everything in the world, so you better take it!
Now, the keyword in the title is Lawful Evil. Arseman may be mean, but he's not evil, and there's a set of boundaries he refuses to cross under any circumstances. I can't reveal them all to you now, but here's a few that are important to get across from the start:
Now, with that out of the way...
You sit alone, in your desolate room. No light. No music. Just a lingering sense of dread and your thoughts on how you could ruin Christmas this year. The lights are off, but a sliver of light shines in through your window, illuminating the room. In your small bedroom, there is your bed (which you are currently sitting on, a nightstand with three drawers and a lamp on top next to it, and a desk with a drawer in it, on top of which your trusty laptop sits. Your closet is built into the wall. There are no decorations in your room because decor sparks joy, and if there's one thing you loved, it was feeling miserable.
[input command]
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