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alethiophile Shadowed Philosopher from Ëa Since: Nov, 2009
Shadowed Philosopher
#51: Aug 15th 2011 at 2:45:05 PM

[up]I believe there's a confusion happening here. In Chunin Exam Day, I can't precisely recall, but I could easily buy a 'Sakura-is-sexually-humiliated' scene. I'm quite sure that didn't happen in Time Braid.

Shinigan (Naruto fanfic)
orzochimaru WOAH Since: May, 2011
WOAH
#52: Aug 15th 2011 at 3:15:03 PM

Yeah, I'm talking about CED.

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FurikoMaru Reverse the Curse from The Arrogant Wasteland Since: Jan, 2001 Relationship Status: He makes me feel like I have a heart
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#53: Aug 15th 2011 at 4:06:07 PM

Oh. Well, I haven't read Chuunin Exam Day. I was talking about Time Braid.

A True Lady's Quest - A Jojo is You!
orzochimaru WOAH Since: May, 2011
WOAH
#54: Aug 15th 2011 at 5:11:57 PM

It's like we're all in a romcom. About terrible naruto fanfics. And we just had the major misunderstanding moment.

Love it.

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doineedaname from Eastern US Since: Nov, 2010
#55: Aug 15th 2011 at 5:43:13 PM

If I posted a bit of the fanfic I'm working on, would anyone mind giving me some feedback on it?

Demongodofchaos2 Face me now, Bitch! from Eldritch Nightmareland Since: Jul, 2010 Relationship Status: 700 wives and 300 concubines
Face me now, Bitch!
#56: Aug 16th 2011 at 5:20:07 AM

I wouldn't mind. Just give out the link to go along with it, so I can give out a review.

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doineedaname from Eastern US Since: Nov, 2010
#57: Aug 16th 2011 at 7:00:07 AM

[up] I was just going to post it to this thread(it's not that long) before posting it to FF.Net, after making some revisions to it if anyone thought parts of it didn't make sense/were just poorly written.

edited 16th Aug '11 12:17:54 PM by doineedaname

doineedaname from Eastern US Since: Nov, 2010
#58: Aug 16th 2011 at 8:20:48 PM

Here's the first chapter of the fanfic I started writing. It's a For Want of a Nail fic where Minato and Kushina are both still alive.

This is my first Naruto fanfic so it's probably not going to be very good.

Naruto was incredibly excited as he entered the classroom at Konoha’s ninja academy, today was the day he would take and pass the exam to graduate and become a Genin.

“Hey Sasuke, my mom wanted me to invite you over to our house for dinner.” Naruto said as he sat down next to Sasuke who completely ignored him.

“Go away Naruto.” Sasuke responded looking incredibly bored.

“Are you sure? One of your fangirls just walked in.” Naruto said as he saw Sakura Haruno walk in and start heading over to the two of them.

“Fine you can stay. I don‘t want to have to put up with her.” Sasuke said. The two of them had known each other since before joining the academy as their mothers had been good friends until every member of the Uchiha clan except Sasuke was murdered.

“I knew you’d come around Sasuke.”

“Uh, Naruto…could you move? I want to sit next to Sasuke.”

“And I want to watch you make out with Ino. But that‘s not going to happen anytime soon.”

“You pervert! If you weren’t the Hokage’s son I’d…” Sakura yelled.

“Well I am, so too bad. But I’m in a good mood so I’ll let you sit here. Have fun talking to Sasuke.” Naruto said as he got up and walked away enjoying that Sasuke looked absolutely furious as Sakura sat down next to him.

“That was cruel Naruto.” Shikamaru said as Naruto walked past him on his way to an unoccupied seat.

“I put up with Ino and the other girls who go all fan girl over me. Sasuke should learn to do the same.” Naruto replied before he sat down next to Hinata Hyuuga, the only girl in their class who didn’t show any interest in either Naruto or Sasuke, which caused her to be one of the few girls in their class that Naruto actually liked.

“H-hello N-Naruto.” Hinata managed to stutter before blushing and looking down at the floor to avoid eye contact.

“Hinata why do you always…?” Naruto asked before being cut off by Iruka walking into the class room.

“Listen up everyone. To graduate and become a genin all you have to do is perform a basic clone jutsu. When I call you name come up and perform the clone jutsu.” Iruka began to read off the names of everyone in the room in alphabetical order and they came up and performed the jutsu until it was Naruto’s turn.

“Hey Iruka sensei. How’s everything going?”

“Naruto, just do the jutsu.”

“Fine.” Naruto then performed the hand seals for the Shadow Clone jutsu instead of the regular one.

“You can make Shadow Clones?” Iruka asked surprised.

“Yep, my mom taught me how. I’ve got too much chakra and not enough skill at chakra control to use the regular one. Is this good enough to pass?” Naruto and the three Shadow Clones he created responded in perfect unison.

“Well it’s certainly a far more difficult to use jutsu so it’s good enough.” Iruka said before handing Naruto his forehead protector.

“Wow! Isn’t Naruto amazing, he can already use the Shadow Clone jutsu. And it‘s a jonin rank jutsu.” Ino loudly whispered to a girl sitting next to her as Naruto walked past her.

“I know. But it’s to be expected his father’s the Fourth Hokage after all.”

Sighing, Naruto sat back down as the rest of his classmates name’s were called.

“N-Naruto, I’m glad you p-passed.” Hinata whispered unable to speak up while Naruto was sitting next to her.

“Thanks Hinata. I hope we’re on a team together. You’d make a much better teammate then Ino or Sakura, you seem like you actually care about being a good Shinobi.” Upon hearing this Hinata’s face turned bright red from embarrassment.

“Congratulations to those of you that passed, tomorrow you will be informed of which jonin and team you will be assigned to.” Iruka said dismissing the class.

____________

“Hey mom, I passed the exam.” Naruto said after getting home, proudly displaying his new Konoha forehead protector.

“Did you use the regular Clone Jutsu or the Shadow Clone Jutsu to pass?” Kushina asked.

“Shadow Clone, it’s so much easier to use.”

“Good. Did you invite Sasuke over for dinner like I told you to?”

“Yes, but he‘s not going to show, he‘s an ungrateful jerk. I still can‘t believe you told him he could come live with us after his clan was massacred.”

“His mother Mikoto was a good friend of mine, if she were still alive and something were to happen to me and Minato I’m sure she’d do the same for you.”

“I’m not so sure about that. Did dad tell you who my sensei is going to be?” Naruto asked.

“Sorry, I can't tell you that.”

“Awh come on. I want to know.”

“You're going to have to wait until tomorrow to find out. Now let's go to Ichiraku's for some ramen.” Kushina said.

____________________

Sasuke sat on the roof of a building near building Naruto and his family lived in, unable to decide whether or not to accept the invitation he’d received from Naruto. He and Naruto had been good friends when they were yougner, but after his clan’s massacre at the hands of his brother he decided to ignore distractions like friendship to focus on growing strong enough to take revenge.

After seeing Naruto and Kushina leave and head off to Ichiraku ramen he decided that he wouldn’t accept the invitation after all.

____________ (The next day.)

“Beginning today you are all real ninja…but you are merely rookie genin. The hard part has just started. Now you will soon be assigned missions by the village. So today we will be creating the three man teams each of which will have a jonin sensei. You will that sensei’s orders as you complete your assigned missions.” Iruka explained.

That’s just more people to get in my way.” Sasuke thought.

Hurry up I already know all this.” Naruto thought.

“Team 7 will consist of Sasuke Uchiha, Sakura Haruno, and Naruto Namikaze. Team 8 will consist of Kiba Inuzuka, Hinata Hyuga, and Shino Aburame. Team 10 will be made up of Shikamaru Nara, Choji Akimichi, and Ino Yamanaka.”

Both Hinata and Ino were incredibly disappointed that they wouldn’t be on Naruto’s team, while Naruto was annoyed that he was on a team with Sasuke and Sakura. Sakura was overjoyed that she would be on the same team as Sasuke.

“Team 7 your jonin sensei will be Kakashi Hatake.” Naruto, after hearing that his sensei would be the only surviving genin of his father's team, stopped paying attention and turned to glare at Sasuke who was glaring at him.

edited 17th Aug '11 5:30:16 AM by doineedaname

Darkenning She's Back Since: Apr, 2011
She's Back
#59: Aug 16th 2011 at 9:02:15 PM

[up] Would I be correct in concluding that you don't like Sakura very much? She's basically a cipher here.

If you won't I'll slit your throat/Won't you please be nice?
alethiophile Shadowed Philosopher from Ëa Since: Nov, 2009
Shadowed Philosopher
#60: Aug 16th 2011 at 9:33:22 PM

The phrasing is awkward. For instance, the first line shouldn't use a comma before 'today'; it should begin a new sentence. Similarly, in the second line several clauses are run together that should be separated somehow. Similar problems throughout.

This is a problem which I see often in Naruto fanfic; I surmise that it comes from a lot of people writing it whose previous reading consists mainly of other Naruto fanfic. Because Naruto itself is a visual medium, it doesn't provide a built-in example of good prose the way a book would. (I wonder if the problem is less prevalent in, say, Harry Potter fanfic, where you could at least be relatively sure that the author has read at least one good novel-length book.) The only recommendation I can give is to start reading a lot of published literary fiction, and try to absorb the general prose style therein by osmosis.

Shinigan (Naruto fanfic)
FurikoMaru Reverse the Curse from The Arrogant Wasteland Since: Jan, 2001 Relationship Status: He makes me feel like I have a heart
Reverse the Curse
#61: Aug 16th 2011 at 10:36:28 PM

K. See this fella? That's Telly Monster. You shouldn't be.

Also, Shikamaru's out of character, Naruto's a lot more perceptive than he ought to be, and you fall prey to run-on sentences far too often.

Oh, and Naruto was originally put on the same team as Sasuke and Sakura because their combined excellent scores on the practical and written exams respectively were the only ones high enough to counterbalance Naruto's barely-eeked-by marks. If Naruto's parents are alive, he's not the village pariah and he's not going to be neglected by his teachers, meaning his grades are probably fair at least.

You mentioned Team 8 twice, too.

edited 16th Aug '11 10:41:59 PM by FurikoMaru

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Demongodofchaos2 Face me now, Bitch! from Eldritch Nightmareland Since: Jul, 2010 Relationship Status: 700 wives and 300 concubines
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#62: Aug 20th 2011 at 3:36:58 PM

Emotions can kill is a good one. Naruto is like Mito uzumaki, he's an empath in this story. It can get pretty damn terrifying at parts, but its a good story overall.

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Demongodofchaos2 Face me now, Bitch! from Eldritch Nightmareland Since: Jul, 2010 Relationship Status: 700 wives and 300 concubines
Face me now, Bitch!
alethiophile Shadowed Philosopher from Ëa Since: Nov, 2009
Shadowed Philosopher
#64: Aug 25th 2011 at 3:45:48 PM

Just found Time and Again, which is quite good. A time-travel fic, but with all sorts of fun unexpected bits.

Shinigan (Naruto fanfic)
dRoy Professional Writer & Amateur Scholar from Most likely from my study Since: May, 2010 Relationship Status: I'm just high on the world
Professional Writer & Amateur Scholar
#65: Aug 26th 2011 at 7:05:45 PM

Hey guys, I'm going to start Funny and Awesome and other pages for Kitsune on Campus and if anyone like that fanfic, I'd like you to help adding some examples.

edited 26th Aug '11 7:06:13 PM by dRoy

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Demongodofchaos2 Face me now, Bitch! from Eldritch Nightmareland Since: Jul, 2010 Relationship Status: 700 wives and 300 concubines
Face me now, Bitch!
#66: Aug 28th 2011 at 9:40:39 AM

I haven't read much of it, so I might not be able to help much.

edited 28th Aug '11 9:40:55 AM by Demongodofchaos2

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doineedaname from Eastern US Since: Nov, 2010
#67: Aug 28th 2011 at 10:59:05 PM

Don't know if this is on the fanfic reqs, but here is a really good crossover with Justice League and Teen Titans

Only read 7/32 chapters but so far it's pretty good, most members of the Konoha 12*

have gotten relatively believable Crowning Moments of awesome, and so did Robin for giving Sasuke a reason you suck speech while Sasuke put him through a 3 day long Tsukuyomi of his parents dieing over and over, which just bored him, Sasuke eventually ended it early because of how much Robin annoyed him while in it.

The only real problem with it is pairings(depending on which one's you like) and the inevitable Power Creep, Power Seep.

edited 28th Aug '11 11:23:55 PM by doineedaname

dRoy Professional Writer & Amateur Scholar from Most likely from my study Since: May, 2010 Relationship Status: I'm just high on the world
Professional Writer & Amateur Scholar
#68: Aug 28th 2011 at 11:06:49 PM

KOC is awesome, dammit! It seems that everyone in Negima Fanfiction Thread hates it. I personally think that it gets real good after the end of Kyoto arc where more and more original plot threads are created. I really love Naruto's interaction with Eva and Chachazero? By now she's borderline Moe.

I'm a (socialist) professional writer serializing a WWII alternate history webnovel.
alethiophile Shadowed Philosopher from Ëa Since: Nov, 2009
Shadowed Philosopher
#69: Aug 29th 2011 at 6:58:53 AM

[up][up]I'm pretty sure that is on the recs page, and yes, it is awesome. I won't spoil it, but the end is unspeakably astounding.

Shinigan (Naruto fanfic)
Demongodofchaos2 Face me now, Bitch! from Eldritch Nightmareland Since: Jul, 2010 Relationship Status: 700 wives and 300 concubines
Face me now, Bitch!
#70: Aug 29th 2011 at 7:22:21 AM

[up][up] That's probably because they don't like Naruto in general. Hype Backlash, and all that. Seeing Naruto steal the girls from Negi dosen't sound like something they would enjoy.

I like it, though.

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doineedaname from Eastern US Since: Nov, 2010
#71: Aug 31st 2011 at 8:43:45 AM

[up][up] Just finished and wow, you're right ending was astounding, there was so much Crazy Awesome, what with Lee borrowing a Green Lantern ring and taking out Darkseid with a Primary Lotus, Luthor unleashing an army of cyberneticly enhanced Juugo clones on the Justice League, Karin incapacitating Superman with a Kryptonite bullet Luthor gave her as he was about to KO Sasuke. Shikamaru beating Luthor and then later Batman in a game of chess...

And the talk between Naruto and Hinata at the end about her confession during the Pain fight was...actually pretty good.

FurikoMaru Reverse the Curse from The Arrogant Wasteland Since: Jan, 2001 Relationship Status: He makes me feel like I have a heart
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#72: Aug 31st 2011 at 11:09:22 AM

^^ ... I thought Negima was about Negi trying to avoid relationships with most of the girls.

A True Lady's Quest - A Jojo is You!
Demongodofchaos2 Face me now, Bitch! from Eldritch Nightmareland Since: Jul, 2010 Relationship Status: 700 wives and 300 concubines
Face me now, Bitch!
#73: Aug 31st 2011 at 12:21:21 PM

It zig zags, because those girls become his fighting partners in the future.

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dRoy Professional Writer & Amateur Scholar from Most likely from my study Since: May, 2010 Relationship Status: I'm just high on the world
Professional Writer & Amateur Scholar
#74: Aug 31st 2011 at 3:20:34 PM

Has anyone here read Mating Frenzy? Despite the title, there's nothing too explicit (heck, this might even fit into Rated T) and humor is brilliant.

I'm a (socialist) professional writer serializing a WWII alternate history webnovel.
FurikoMaru Reverse the Curse from The Arrogant Wasteland Since: Jan, 2001 Relationship Status: He makes me feel like I have a heart
Reverse the Curse
#75: Aug 31st 2011 at 4:43:39 PM

I liked The Night The House Of Cards Was Built. I thought it was kind of cute. :3

A True Lady's Quest - A Jojo is You!

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