Tips on portraying social bullying ?

Hey guys I want to do a story that has bullying in it. But I don't want the typical Jerk Jock doing psychical abuse .I am looking more about social abuse ( I feel this kind of bullying needs more focus). Is part of the daily life of a shrinking Violet I am designing.

Teens/kids rejecting and humiliating someone, any tips?

edited 8th Jun '11 10:11:24 PM by FallenLegend

I agree with you, it does need more focus. Having been a victim of it myself, here are my tips:

• The bullies could have a variety of reasons for socially abusing another student, like...
  • Problems at home that they can't control or resolve - they give themselves a sense of control by hurting another
  • They may hold a grudge against the target, for somemthing said, done, or even just implied - often it's something that the victim may not be able to control

(this was the case with one my bullies, who resented that I got "attention" and use of special equipment - namely a laptop computer, which was and is necessary for me to be able to generate my work, due to physical disabilities; both girls resented what they saw as "attention" - aides in the classroom who helped me - which I hated precisely because it put a big blinking sign on my head reading " Hey, I'm Different!" - they did not get attention at home, from one parent or the other. They also saw my mother coming in a lot to deal with things and administrators, and took that the wrong way as well. Only after a year of their torment, ostracizing, and insults ["retard", "cripple", "bitch", and "slut" were their favorites - "bitch" is my Berserk Button], was I able to sit them down, separately, and explain just what the hell I had going on that made me so angry at them for their bullying: Domestic Abuse by my father, who:

• regularly isolated me
• refused to allow me to bathe or eat if I didn't "behave properly," - act as though I was happy to be with him and as though everything was perfectly fine
• hit me,
• threw things at me,
• held me in submission positions or against the wall until I apologized for some unknown slight,
• threatened harm to me and my mother (and carried out those threats to a limited degree of actual success - e.g., trying to run my mother over with his car and only getting her foot...),
• refused to give me my medication for severe asthma if I again didn't "behave properly" or voiced my opinion - this, on more occasions than I should like to recall, almost killed me and put me in the ER on a regular basis
• got most of my mom's side of the family to participate (in helping him with the legal aspect by siding with him on false charges against my mom) and facilitate the abuse,
• refused to help me with homework [which took me a horrendously long time, upwards of 6 hours minimum to do it myself - still does, without any accomdations],
• refused to help me find small things I had dropped [I'm partially blind, and finding things is more than a bit difficult, especially if they're small],
• cut off my contact with anyone outside if I ticked him off [I had a cellphone that was my only connection to help],
• controlled who I could see and do things with when with him,
• and regularly verbally abused me [calling me "slut", "bitch", "whore", "cripple", "idiot", and "stupid" most frequently - understand why they're Berserk Buttons now?]

The girls were shocked, and there was a complete turnaround after that - they were actually very sympathetic, and quite nice.

I apologize for the tangent - thought providing a personal (albeit extreme) example might give some insight into what other things can be done. Back to my list!

• They may have psychological issues or be mentally ill
• They may simply be mean-spirited
• They could be bullying another under the influence of peer pressure (the power of the clique shouldn't be underestimated)

I'll add more about effects on the victim later, which I'm familiar with.

Have them be ignored. In all of the schools I've attended there's a stigma attached to having nobody want to talk to you; have your bullied character be left out of things, have nobody to talk to in class and nobody to sit with at lunch, and find this deeply humiliating. This also avoids having the bullies be horrible people who make your victim's life miserable For the Evulz.

This is a really good idea, in my opinion. If I'm remembering my middle school days correctly, the most vicious bullies were usually pretty low in the social pecking order themselves, which is something that's rarely portrayed in fiction.

Good point, bluepenguin. Mine were, too, when I took a step back and saw their situations. Portraying that will make the bully more of a person, and it will hit home for a lot of readers, I think. Middle school...Gah - that's when all the stuff I talked about above was going on, mainly, athough the domestic stuff had been through elementary school, the bullying really picked up in middle school. Those are years better forgotten... *shudders*

Sorry for the late reply

Thank you guys this is helping me a lot @ punk would live to know more about the effects. Your info was invaluable thanks a lot :)

edited 9th Jun '11 10:21:01 PM by FallenLegend

Well, I'm not punkreader, and probably the effects are different on different people, but if you don't mind my two cents:

A likely effect on the victim would be social paranoia — they don't want to put themselves out there and make overtures of friendship towards people because they're irrationally afraid that pretty much everyone is going to go "ew, no, you're weird". They might have the feeling that everyone they know is probably laughing at them behind their back, even when they have no reason to think so. They might develop generally low self-esteem. If there's a particular feature or personality trait that most commonly gets picked on, they might become especially self-conscious about that thing, and attempt to hide it if it's possible to do so.

And that's enough tl;dr from me, I think. Hope that's of some use to you.

I was recently the target of a more realistic and socially relevant form of bullying on another forum- it seemed to be based on her perception of reality and morals. What's annoying is that I've acted similarly before, except that I knew what I was saying to be true and wasn't abusive.

Trope-wise this would be a mix of Moral Guardians and perhaps Fan Dumb. I've also noticed it becoming common on forums.

This. If you want something realistic, this is the way to go.

I dunno how helpful this would be, but in 7th grade, I was being bullied by half the grade (small all-boys school), this one guy was my best friend. We hung out, had fun, all that...then it turned out he was setting me up so the other guys could bully me further, and he was the biggest bully of them all.
I got expelled in 9th grade for fighting because of him.

I was a victim of social bullying repeatedly, so I might be able to help you.

In my case, the bullying consisted mostly of verbal abuse. Also, some of the bullies would always act disgusted when I came near them, which was by far the most hurtful thing they did.

As for the possible reasons a bully might have, I pretty much agree with what punkreader said.

I hope that helps.

Social bullying is at its worst when almost everybody is complicit in it, by ostracising the victim and condoning their mistreatment.

Typically, most such bullies won't even realise they're bullies, and when they do actively insult the victim, it will be out of amusement with no real malicious intent. That's only when social bullying has gotten so severely out of hand that the victim is universally an acceptable target, though.

Even the victim trying to fight the worst bully would be hilarious.

thxwhat do you mean?

Smarter bullies will switch it up, making sure to only bully when authority figures are not present/immediately available and treating the victim just fine otherwise.

You could have the shrinking violet character not want anything to do with most of the other people, but have them hang out with the people that bully/insult them, because they are friendly with the bullies most of the and the bullies will help them out against other people who try to bully them.

going off what happened to me, I'd hurt the guy who was constantly being racist/annoying to me which wasn't the best reaction but was better than going berserk towards him, but we were still kind of friends and would help each other out against people who tried to start trouble with us since outside of the group of about 5 guys, I didn't have anything to do with other people for various reasons

Social caution is definitely a huge effect. I'm often overly socially cautious, and extremely uncomfortable with any positive attention I get. Anywhere, and ever - even on the 'net. Criticism and insults I can take. Praise...no. Ironically, when my teachers and others have discussed me, one of the things that comes up that they like is that I'm very socially conscious. They don't realize what it costs, I think.

We don't put ourselves out there, and we miss out on lots of opportunities because of that fear of rejection and of being mocked (and once more having our soft emotional insides rent). So we isolate ourselves, become invisible, and that "invisible" existence in which we aren't really noticed becomes comfortable. In my case, it's too comfortable, and is actually paralyzing... And, yes, it's something I'm working on.

However, I'm, again, speaking from my personal little box over here, and can't speak for anyone else. It's a good mindset to consider for a bullied character though, with the main idea being this: "I don't want anyone to notice me; that way, they can't hurt me." Strange, sure, but I (and I think many others) can speak that it's definitely legitimate. I have simplified it a bit, though, so... take it where you will.

While it's played for laughs, I think this condensed Flight of the Conchords clip is actually poignant in some ways, so long as you focus on the insults followed by "just kidding!" cop-outs, and don't get too distracted by the song-and-dance routine.

@ punk reader you are helping me a lot. If you don't mind I would like to pm further questions :)

That feeling of being unable to socialize with others is what I want to convey. Also I would like more info on the bullies actions if possible

Sorry for the late reply btw @ everyone else thanks! I did read it all

edited 10th Sep '11 6:26:01 AM by FallenLegend

My experience with bullying when I was in school was that other kids would find out all the little things that annoyed me (clicking their tongues, blowing air across the back of me neck, throwing tiny little things at me, repeating the same unfunny joke 50 million times), and just keep doing it around me in discreet little ways. Eventually I'd freak and yell at them to stop, occasionally throw something at them.

And it would be that that would ge the teacher's attention. I'd get scolded and humiliated, the bullies would laugh, then as soon as things simmered down they'd start the whole thing over again.