GET OFFA MY LAWN

Landmines, excellent. I'll just go purchase some from the War, oh wait there isn't one in Portland!!!! Gyaaaaa. Be much easier if I was still in the country, everyone and their mums is packin'.

Like who?

Thank the Lord for military surplus stores!

*cocks shotgun ominously whilst cackling madly*

Awww, nobody picked up the reference...

Eeeeh, them whippersnappers don't even go out anymore these days. It's all mobile telephones and inter nets and face books with these kids.

edited 16th Mar '11 8:03:16 PM by MalagasyParrot

I'm telling you, punji pits. The smell's pretty bad, but it's worth it to hear their screams.

Claymore mines strung up in the trees. Automated machine guns with interlocking fields of fire and bouncing betties. That keeps your lawn nice and safe.

Only on the internet could 20 be considered "old".

You might want to try a series of bear traps, trip wires attached to swinging logs and nets.

If I learnt anything from studying the Vietnam war, it's that traps can be extremely effective even when a force is expecting them.

Thread Liches strike again!

Do it properly◊

There is a huge horde of neighborhood children who refuse to stay out of my yard. They've already broken one tree and they leave trash on my property which I then must clean up.

I'm thinking of breaking out my old paintball gear.

Might want to check the local laws to be sure you're in the green before loading the first PB. If there's a legal issue, some twit of a parent who doesn't believe their "pweshus" could be a dick like that will probably make some noise about lawsuits or whatnot.

Yeah, I say you've got permission to engage.

Shouting like Rambo optional.

@Steven: Naw, I plan to break out my old sniper's rig (complete with silencer), load black-shelled paint and take the little bastards by surprise. If they don't know where its coming from, they can't report me.

Load red paint so they think it is blood.

Then get some of your mates, blast gangsta rap from a car and drive-by their house with your paintball guns while shouting "THIS IS WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOU MESS WITH MY CRIB, FOOL!"

I managed to breed a colony of two feet long, rabid slugs. It keeps the kids away from the lawn, and the only downside is that they eat all the plants in my vegetable garden.

Keep rabid giant earwigs in addition.

Also, you could just refuse to shower for a year, that would keep all the kids off of your laws.

Drunk: Behave in true old grump fashion and either talk with their parents, call the cops, or video tape their bad behaviour and drag their parents to small claims court to pay for property damage. Most parents can be reasoned with. I would try talking with the parents first. If the parents become obstanate inform them you will be instead contacting the police the next time they tresspass.

@Tuefel: That would be the sane answer. But since the kids pretend to not speak English when I try and reason with them, I think next time I'll just skip straight to calling the authorities.

If they don't speak English: take out a phone and type it in fonespeek. They won't be able to ignore it, then.

For the past several years, I've been training a sturgeon to become my pet attack sturgeon, and grow it to improbable lengths. And teach it attack commands in snake.

Drunk: What language do they speak?

@Tuefel: Spanish. I think.

I'm having trouble evicting my sister off the lawn. Come on, woman! Find something else to do after dropping your kid off down the road. Surely you have interests outside of creeping on your daughter and drinking my booze on my lawn!