Your Funniest Tabletop Story

Ah, not so bad then. You hear horror stories about the GMPC That Does Everything For You...

I luv my PNP Cs :P

No one ever complains about them being more powerful or taking over or yadda yadda. But I always go to the effort to ensure that the players feel like they're in control, by having a cast of PNP Cs and allowing 1/battle, and things like that. However, I'm more and more moving towards a "Support" system, which another DM friend of mine came up with, where which PNP Cs are active just grants the players special advantages to their characters, such as encounter/daily powers and persistent buffs.

Same Victoriana campaign as above.

One of the P Cs and an NPC with plot-critical information had been captured by the concubines of the Rajah of Dehli, who happen to be vampires. The party decides we need to infiltrate Dehli and the Red Fort to rescue them. The results could best be summarized as "massive clusterfuck": 5 out of 6 rescuers captured, 1 MIA, the NPC dead (not our fault), the PC rescuee turned into a vampire, three tainted angels (Lawful Asshole embodiments of order) released from a seal and one killed completely by accident, and an evil cultist making off with a McGuffin.

The funny comes from my character's part of the rescue attempt. As a Communist revolutionary, I decide that the best plan is to rouse a popular uprising, storm the gates of the Red Fort, and make off with the captives in the confusion. After the mob gets killed due to the garrison being much stronger than I expected and I am captured, I'm told that the corpses of the mob will be made into zombies to fight the British East India Company.

—> Me: So they'll still be fighting against imperialism and oppression. I'm going to count this as a victory.

edited 16th Feb '11 7:10:22 PM by Neep

We ran into a Hydra in a smallish room,with a few barricades for our mage to hide behind. In the next room over, someone was playing Kingdom hearts. We hear "Get up on the hydra's back!" I grin, and hold my turn. Sorcerer casts stuns it. Cleric Bull strengths me. I, the barbarian with a greataxe,use the barricade in front of me as a springboard to get onto the hydra's back, rage, and power attack one head, killing it in one blow, and power attack cleave the second head. The sorcerer magic missile's one to death, and I repeat the power attack cleave maneuver for the last two.

Thanks for the tip Phil!

A recent one.

Our party had saved a couple of monks from orcs and,having nothing better to do wanting to help,followed them back to their city,also under attack from orcs.

Once in the city,we came across a barrier in the form of a pile of rubble, which we were obviously supposed to climb over. Our warforged sorcerer decided to go around. He ran into 4 elite orcs. Cue YASD.

But the story wasn't over. The player had had time between the last session (when he got into trouble) and this (when he died) to roll up a new character; a paladin who was introduced as a Bound and Gagged hostage of the orc warboss in charge of the raid. Four turns rolled around before he got the message that trying to burst his bonds Hulk-style just wasn't working. We were put through the grinder,but still managed to defeat four out of six of the warboss' elite cronies (and the warboss himself) before he finally managed to cut himself loose with a discarded orc axe and join in. "Heeere I come to save the- oh,you're nearly finished." *sadface*

edited 23rd Feb '11 10:02:59 PM by AckSed

...wait, what's a PNPC?

I don't usually post here, but... for me, definite mix of Crowning Moment Of Funny and Crowning Moment Of Awesome.

So about a week before the campaign starts, I tell our DM, "I'm in... but only if I can roll up Samurai Jack." Now, I was kidding, but he was totally into that idea, so I went with it.

Skip ahead a bit.

We find ourself in an intricate, trap-laden dungeon, but the finale of it was the greatest part. We ran into the dungeon's caretaker, a mad Gnomish artificer who'd replaced half his body with clockwork cybernetics. He had red hair and sickly green skin, and called himself Akoo; naturally, Jack just assumes it's his archenemy, Aku, and flies into a rage trying to defeat him.

The final combat against Akoo took place in a giant stone dome, with the whole team pulling out all their tricks against him. At one point, the villain exclaims— no joke— "GO GO AKOO ROCKET BOOTS", and flies up towards the top of the dome, out of reach. We start pelting him with long-range attacks while two of our players climb up the walls after him, through impressive feats of heroism. One of the other druids raises Jack into the air with a massive column of stone, but it isn't quite enough to close the gap.

Combat continues. It's clear Akoo is on his last legs.

I get an idea.

I tell the DM, "I'm going to jump at Akoo."

Everyone crowds around and watches with bated breath as I roll many, many dice against impossible odds. A 19 on Jump with my +15 bonus nets a damn near heroic Jump check of 34; being stunned from an attack the round before, the DM counted Akoo as flatfooted, so I added in an Iaijutsu Focus check that, in short, made my total damage 1d10+5+5+5d6.

I should also take care to note that this was the best possible time for me to roll a natural 20 on attack.

Samurai Jack bounded off the stone column, landed on the shoulders of one of the allies climbing the wall, and gave a mighty bellow of "AKUUUUUUUUUUU!" He leaps straight into the air, directly at Akoo, draws his blade midflight, and scores a punishing blow so strong it severs Akoo's leg in one blow. Jack drops to the ground as Akoo's rocket boots destabilize, sending the poor bastard smashing into the ceiling, and then straight down to the ground a good 65 feet below, where he explodes in a shower of gnome parts as his artifice fails.

The attempt alone got me high-fives from everyone present.

It was a good game.

There was also the moment where Jack and our druid's gorilla were both grappling a flying enemy simultaneously, and the line "I'm going to shoot the ice demon with my mind-bullets" from our psionic.

Playing Vampire: the Requiem

- the one time the merry band of distrusting neonates stumbles upon Belial's Brood and The Big Guy decides it's cool if the Belial want to drink half the team, she doesn't care for any of us any way.

- in the following fight scene, after The Big Guy thankfully decided against letting the bad stuff happen, the one character without the physical stats necessary to scratch a baby is faced with the Belial's attack dog (a literal dog). All of the 'fight' was spent with the dog leaping, missing, and our Ventrue smooth-talker (modelled and named after BSG's Gaius) avoiding and failing to hit back.

- then as we were all chased out of the scene by hunters, the dog kept on trying to attack him. Until after we'd all had to jump down some Absurdly Spacious Sewers.

since then: GM, describing: Everything is clm as you arrive to the metro station. You can hear the faint echos of a dog barking in the distance, but that's all. Joseph: Gaius, hide!

Okay, Paranoia homebrew.

I made a quickie campaign, stop a speeding train fulla bombs and stuff before it hits a building of high importance.

It's made to be about 10 munites long.

Anyway, first go: all 4 players get to the track. They drop a pod on it. first guy is bound and chucked in the tube. The train plows through the tube and the first guy survives (Now due for termination thanks to his mutation.) and is now on top of the train.

While he climbs down, the rest of the party build a makeshift train thingy and give chase. The main character is throwing bombs on the track, and the other guys are picking them up. Stuff happens with the second guys flame thrower and a detour through an underground base for commies.

By the end of the mission, three players ride a makeshift train filled with explosives through a shopping mall, on fire, covered in commie mutant traitor propaganda. The first guy is clinging to the front of the train as it smashes through and explodes.

PNPC is a less vitriolic name for DMPC, standing for "Party NPC."

For my group, it could have meant "The player who helped the GM design this campaign, so he's not allowed to have any ideas but his character tags along in case his abilities are needed".

We had this for an In Nomine Satanis Magna Veritas two-part campaign, since we had a different GM for both halves, who each had a PC in the other (our INS GM is a MV player and vice versa).

edited 19th Sep '11 7:58:35 AM by Medinoc

I was playing D&D for the first time. One of the players had seriously pissed off the DM, so he wanted to end the game. He sicced a dragon on us on the first level of a dungeon. Now, this DM doesn't go by the bestiary's description, so he describes it as winged, four legs, a long tail, and horns. This is important.

Five rounds later, the dragon has substantial INT damage. Due to a house rule, INT is used as a bonus for saves against bluffs. This is also important.

I'm a Dragonborn Sorcerer with single hit points, and I step forward when I realize we're not going to win this. I speak to the dragon.

"Hey, can I ask you a question?"

The DM plays along. The dragon sticks its head in front of my face. "What is it?"

"What is such a pretty unicorn doing in this dungeon?"

"I'm not a unicorn."

"But you have four legs."

"Yes."

"And horns."

"Yes."

"And a tail."

"So?"

"So you're obviously a unicorn!"

"But I have wings, red scaly skin, and breathe fire."

"Then surely you are the chosen one! The unicorn destined to lead the unicorns from under the heel of Elven tyranny! I am the prophecy-bringer, here to tell you of your magnificent destiny! You must go to the elven forest of Hurgendale and raze it to the ground. Then, you must find a herd and join them. Your destiny will come to you there."

• Bluff Check: nat 20.*
• Dragon rolls 1 on Int save*

"ENOUGH THEN! I am off to free my people!"

The dragon took off through the roof. Earlier, I sent an Orc warlord to find a special unicorn by convincing her she was a "Pretty Pink Princess". This came back later when the Orc, who WAS actually part of an Orc dynasty (and apparently beautiful by her species' standards), saves us from a lich and his army on the back of the dragon. She asks me to be her king, but I respectfully decline, explaining there are many more prophecies I must fulfill. I end up with an Orcish weapon I couldn't pick up and a lock of her hair.

This came back later when the Orc, who WAS actually part of an Orc dynasty (and apparently beautiful by her species' standards), saves us from a lich and his army on the back of the dragon.

...Oh god.

I should not read this kind of stuff in class. I almost burst out laughing.

Eh, the last time we went somewhere with PNPCs, one got sucked in by a wall and the other went berserk, forcing my character to hit first base and knock her out, after which he had to drag her unconscious butt all over Silent Hill The Labyrinth...

edited 1st Mar '11 11:56:30 AM by Xeniph

That is awesome. Ideally all problems would be solved that way.

I also convinced the army of half-dragon/half-Fiend/Kobolds that were the campaign's antagonists to settle their differences with the other races over a drink- which eventually spiraled into getting clerics to help us throw a kegger. They say they can't help. So we end up going around the world, and everyone we ever met- including one-off villain turned Magistrate Firebird the Wight, families of Brass and Copper dragons (who we saved from a flight of black ones), the lich and his new skeleton horde, the Orc Princess and her unicorn, hordes of giants, Garthek the Ooze King (also known as Garthek the Squishy), and Squiggles the Sapient Half-Dragon Owlbear with levels in Monk- trying to get enough booze together to quench the ever-growing crowd's thirst. It got to the point I was convincing Demons and Devils to stop being evil or we wouldn't let them come.

Eventually, we finally get enough booze for everyone. Twenty minutes into the party, 300 Aboleth show up. They were obviously going to attack us, so everyone's on edge. I speak up with a 20 on a diplomacy check.

"Why don't you see how we party on the surface?"

They look at each other and their leader replies "Sure."

The next day, the Kobolds are going to work in Dwarven mines for equal pay, Firebird the Wight has given the Aboleth jobs working on the city's sewers (the Aboleth having decided any species that parties this hard are worthy of the world), the skeletons and the lich become the city's garbage service, the giants are helping repair damage done during barfights and general cleanup, Garthek and his subjects are helping with the cleanup by engulfing the garbage, Squiggles gets an enclosure in the local zoo and all the hugs he cares for.

The DM couldn't think of anything to do after that for quite some time. Then we undertook the Test of the Starstone. My dragonborn came out as the god of Deceit, Trickery, Fraud, and Negotiation. Each night he has a drinking contest with Cayden.

I'm no longer allowed to create a character with more than 18 starting charisma after this. However, I am allowed to select Kribnefka the Great as my deity should I ever play Cleric.

I love campaigns that end in huge, truly climactic events. They make for excellent stories, and help to defend roleplaying games as roleplaying games.

More campaigns should end in continent-spanning keggers.

That's pretty amazingly awesome. Heh. I love high charisma characters.

^^^*standing ovation*

Your ideas intrigue me and I wish to subscribe to your religion.

Here's the things we worked out for the religion.

• Kribnefka the Great
• Alignment: Chaotic Good
• Domains: Charm, Trickery, Community, Fighting
• Favored Weapon: Mace
• Centers of Worship: Unified Nations of Halewood and Dragonreach
• Symbol: A wreath of bronze scales with a dragonborn's face in the center.
• Nationality: Dragonreach
• Sacred animals: Puppies, kittens, parrots, crows, all dinosaurs, all megafauna, all turtles, all Good-aligned creatures
• Hated animals: Raccoons, dolphins, pandas, all Lawful Stupid entities.
• Sacred Ground: Orphanages, schools, bars, taverns, whorehouses, pubs

FESTIVALS:

• Festival of Unity (if campaign takes place in the same world as Kribnefka's origin): Celebrating the union of countless species and countries under one banner, the Festival of Unity is a massive kegger spanning multiple countries. None can be barred entry, although they can be thrown out.

• Kribnefka's Birthday: Once per year, an offering can be given to Kribnefka to receive a gift of confidence in speech. This is not the degree of bullshitting Kribnefka could muster, but enough to talk to an object of your affections or negotiate a raise. Any offering you would give an equal is acceptable.

• Festival of Strength: At the beginning of winter, offerings of brandy are made before the start of a 64-participant tournament of duels to unconsciousness. At the end of this tournament, the brandy is poured into a giant bowl. The winner then raises a prayer and drinks from this mix using the trophy- if he passes out, Kribnefka and Cayden find him unworthy. If he remains standing long enough to count to 30, his prayer is answered and he is promoted three levels of Cleric or Paladin.

• Others: At any time, a celebration can be made if Kribnefka's name is invoked. This is considered an act of worship.

Unique Spell: Cleric 6, Pal 6

• Kribnefka's Words (Illusion)
• Casting Time: Instantaneous
• The skill of Kribnefka fills you, allowing you to automatically pass a Bluff check made to avoid combat. No experience is gained from this encounter, although the monsters will not molest you at a later time.

Cleric (or Paladin) of Kribnefka abilities:

• Bluff becomes a class skill.

• Where a spell asks for your wisdom modifier, you can substitute your charisma modifier.

• A Cleric of Kribnefka can't kill on sacred ground unless in self-defense or the defense of others.

• A cleric of Kribnefka must kill any of his Hated Animals.

• A Cleric of Kribnefka can't kill one of his sacred animals unless in self-defense.

• When clerics of Kribnefka meet in public, they must hold a conversation.

edited 2nd Mar '11 6:14:30 PM by Krautman

I am so writing "First Church of Kribnefka" as my religion on the next census.

What was the date when you pulled off the remarkable feat? I feel the need to celebrate the Festival of Unity next time it rolls around.

That sounds pretty amazing. Now play a bard next time! Your DM can't say a THING about your crazy high Charisma. "But all of my spells use it for the modifier! It's necessary to my combat effectiveness!"

Something a little Darker and Edgier.

I was using some magical assistance to allow me to spy on some people we suspected of working for the enemy. I got some useful intel for how to follow them and too much information on their pastimes, including a graphic description of how one of them had recently raped a woman to death. Not wanting to just let them go, I settled for the only subtle thing I could manage which was to curse the rapist with short-term bad luck.

While acting on the intel, a female PC encountered him alone in a confined space. He's not around anymore.

3rd Friday in March.

The DM has explicitly said I can't ever play a bard because I'd use that argument.

Also, there was me using my Druid's Shape Wood in our Pathfinder session to combine our wizard's wood golem with a ship. We now have a medieval Dai-Gurren.