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Quotes / Jews Love to Argue

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Mordcha: Why should I break my head about the outside world? Let them break their own heads.
Tevye: He's right. As the Good Book says, "If you spit in the air, it lands in your face."
Perchik: That's nonsense. You can't close your eyes to what's happening in the world.
Tevye: He's right.
Avram: He's right and he's right? How can they both be right?
Tevye: You know, you're also right.

A Jewish congregation was arguing over whether one should stand or sit during the Shemanote . Half of the congregation said one should sit, the other half insisted one should stand. Every time the Shema was recited they shouted at each other, “Sit down!” and “Stand up!” The fighting became so bad that the congregation was split in two, each half contending that they knew the tradition in that synagogue.
Fed up, the rabbi decided to ask a one hundred year old member of the synagogue. “Now, tell us,” said the rabbi, “what is our tradition? Should we stand during the Shema?”
“No,” said the old man. “That is not our tradition.”
“Well, then,” said the rabbi, “should we sit during the Shema?”
“No,” the old man, “that is not our tradition.”
“What are we supposed to do then? Just stand there fighting among each other each time we say the Shema?" the rabbi asked, exasperated.
“That,” said the oldest member of the congregation, “that is our tradition.”
—Traditional joke

Rabbi Eliezer was in an argument with five fellow rabbis over the proper way to perform a certain ritual. The other five Rabbis were all in agreement with each other, but Rabbi Eliezer vehemently disagreed. Finally, Rabbi Nathan pointed out "Eliezer, the vote is five to one! Give it up already!" Eliezer got fed up and said "If I am right, may God himself tell you so!" Thunder crashed, the heavens opened up, and the voice of God boomed down. "YES," said God, "RABBI ELIEZER IS RIGHT. RABBI ELIEZER IS PRETTY MUCH ALWAYS RIGHT." Rabbi Nathan turned and conferred with the other rabbis for a moment, then turned back to Rabbi Eliezer. "All right, Eliezer," he said, "the vote stands at five to TWO."
The Talmud (loosely translatednote )

Albert's mother: Mrs. Mandelbaum says that David is very happy at the post office, he says the examination is easy and the pay is good—
Albert: The post office?
Albert's mother: It's just that the benefits are great, and there's job security—
Albert: Ma, I'm an anarchist.
Albert's mother: I know that, Albert, but your father wants his basement back. You won’t make a sacrifice to please your father?
Albert: But a government job? You want me to be part of the machine?
Albert's mother: You're already a machine. We put in food and get back aggravation and heartbreak.
— "Pushing the Envelope" by Desmond Warzel

"There is no Jewish conspiracy to control the banks. You know why? Because we can't agree on a place to go for dinner! We couldn't even get the meeting started! (in an authoritative voice) 'All right, the Jewish meeting to control the banks will now commence.' (in a grouchy voice) 'Hey, who died and made you king? Never mind me. I'm no one here. I have no opinions.'"

Two Jews are stranded on a desert island. They immediately build three synagogues - one for the first guy, one for the second, and one that neither of them would be caught dead in.
— Jewish humor

"Well, after almost allowing the Arabs to finish what Hitler started, we realized that not only was that mirror image necessary, but it must forever be our national policy. From 1973 onward, if nine intelligence analysts came to the same conclusion, it was the duty of the tenth to disagree. No matter how unlikely or far-fetched a possibility might be, one must always dig deeper."
Jurgen Warbrunn, World War Z

Bet: I believe in God sometimes.
Rabbi: That’s an extremely Jewish answer.
[Bet laughs]
Rabbi: I’m serious.
Bet: Come on.
Rabbi: It’s true. Look...we love our questioning. Our arguing. Our exploration.
Seen and Not Heard, "Prologue Four: An Extremely Jewish Answer"

Faye: I just don't want you controlling my whole life!
Helen: So what do you want me to do about it, cut myself out of it?! You hate me?!
Faye: Sometimes I DO hate you!
(they both gasp and begin crying)
Faye: I'm sorry Ma, I shouldn't have said that.
Helen: Why not? I am too involved. It's because you're all I have.
Faye: But you can't keep running my life.
Frasier: Maybe we should just...
Helen: (calmly) Sit! We're nearly done.
Frasier, "Merry Christmas, Mrs. Moskowitz"

Talmud is not written like the Bible, it is not a story, it is not a narrative. Rather, it is ARGUMENT! It is one long argument spanning 800 years, because no one argues like Jews!
The Foxy Bard (as Rabbi Shmuel Pallache)