"People have been fightin' over this bitch since ancient times, dog. How many graves we standing on? Think about all the wisdom and science and money and civilization it took to build these machines; and the courage of all the men who came here; and the love of their wives and children that was in their hearts. And all that hate, dog. All the hate it took to blow these mother-fuckers away. It's destiny, dog - white man's gotta rule the world."
— Sgt Antonio "Poke" Espera, Get Some
"Dear Frederick, thank you for your nice letter, but I am actually a U.S. Marine who was born to kill whereas clearly you have mistaken me for some sort of wine-sipping Communist dick-suck. And although peace probably appeals to tree-loving bisexuals like you and your parents, I happen to be a death-dealing, blood-crazed warrior who wakes up every day just hoping for the chance to dismember my enemies and defile their civilizations. Peace sucks a hairy asshole, Freddy. War is the motherfucking answer."
— Cpl Josh Ray Person, Get Some
Cpl Josh Ray Person: See, when Marines invade a foreign country, we've gotta buy all our own shit. Me and Brad spent 500 dollars of our own money just fixing up the Humvee. Bought our own antennas, filters, these cammie nets. We even painted it ourselves.
Cpl Josh Ray Person: So yeah, [Puts on sunglasses] homes, we pimpin'.
— Get Some
Cpl Josh Ray Person: Look at this shit. How come we can't ever invade a cool country, with like chicks in bikinis, you know? How come countries like that don't ever need Marines? I'll tell you why. It's lack of pussy that fucks countries up. Lack of pussy is the root fucking cause of all global instability. If more hajis were getting quality pussy, there'd be no reason for us to come over here and fuck 'em up like this! Cause a nut-bustin' haji is a happy haji.
Evan "Scribe" Wright: [Trying not to laugh] So, this war's not about oil, or WMD's?
Cpl Josh Ray Person: Nope!
Evan "Scribe" Wright: And it's not about Saddam?
Cpl Josh Ray Person: No, Saddam's just part of the problem. If you took the whole gay-ass Republican Guard and comped their asses in Vegas for a weekend- no fuckin' war! Look, if Saddam invested more in the pussy infrastructure of Iraq than he did on his fuckin' gay-ass army, then this country would be no more fucked up than, say, Mexico.
Sgt Brad "Iceman" Colbert: Ray. [Ray pauses and looks at Colbert] Please shut up. Thank you.
— Get Some
"Wake up, Trombley. You're missing the invasion".
— Sgt Brad "Iceman" Colbert, Get Some
LCpl Harold James Trombley: Sergeant, I didn't get to shoot!
Cpl Josh Ray Person: That fucking sucks, Trombley. Did your recruiting officer tell you you'd get to shoot people?
LCpl Harold James Trombley: Fucking 'A' he did!
— The Cradle of Civilization
"Fifty percent of Americans are obese, dog. You know what obese means, right? Fat as a motherfucker. All these other countries, nobody's fat. Think about this shit, dog. How does a motherfucker get fat? You gotta sit on the couch and do nothing but eat and watch TV all day. White trash, poor Mexicans and Blacks, all obese as motherfuckers. See, the white man has created a system with so much excess that even poor motherfuckers are fat."
— Sgt Antonio "Poke" Espera, The Cradle of Civilization
"See, that's what this is all about, dog. The U.S. should just go into all these fucked up countries, Iraq, Africa, setup American government and infrastructure - McDonald's, Starbucks, MTV - Then just hand it all over. I mean, how else we gonna make these hungry motherfuckers want to stop killing everybody? Put a McDonald's on every fuckin' corner. If we gotta blow up the corner, then build the McDonald's- so be it."
— Sgt Antonio "Poke" Espera, The Cradle of Civilization
"Fucking officers will be the death of us yet."
— Sgt Brad "Iceman" Colbert, The Cradle of Civilization
"Sir, the main weapon on your point vehicle is unreliable. Given the prevailing climatic conditions, using this lubricant...is like trying to buttfuck a virgin, underage Phuket whore with chalk, when K-Y is clearly called for, Sir."
— Sgt Brad "Iceman" Colbert, Screwby
LCpl. Harold James Trombley: Yo, let's shoot some of these dogs.
Sgt. Brad "Iceman" Colbert: Trombley, I keep telling you, we dont shoot dogs, we shoot people. And we generally only shoot people if we have to.
"Dog. We was like 13 or 14, hanging around in this neighborhood I grew up in, just east of L.A. We saw some cholos from another hood. And we thought we was all hard, gang-banger wanna bes, so we started saying "fuck off, yo. Fuck off," throwin and flashing signs to em and stuff. So they started throwing down on us Wha, wha, wha, wha, kicking our little asses. And some of the older dogs from our hood came out, grabbed those fools. Took one behind Tasty Freeze, they stabbed him up, with a screwdriver. Killed that cholo. See, generally, white people; they dont drag a dude behind a Tasty Freeze and stab him to death with a screwdriver. So, after that day, I decided, Im gonna hang with white people."
— Sgt. Antonio "Poke" Espera, Screwby
1stLt. Nathaniel Nate Fick: Most people in America right now probably think of Iraq as a dangerous country. Now, if I was to stand up, I might get killed. But to us, behind this wheel, its pretty safe. So, to us, Iraq is a safe country, right here. I feel pretty safe. Do you feel safe?
Evan Scribe Wright: Pretty safe, I guess.
1stLt. Nathaniel Nate Fick: See? Its all relative.
"Yeah, looks like Saddam's big bad Republican Guard hajjis got wind I was coming. As the great warrior-poet Ice Cube once said, "If the day does not require an AK, it is good".
— Cpl. Josh Ray Person, Screwby
Cpl. Josh Ray Person: Im betting that they were thinking that they could just, you know, leave a fully loaded supply truck laying around, just like you could anywhere in America, you know. I mean, you park your unlocked car in Detroit or Baltimore, I mean, your shits going to be there, guaranteed, when you get back from the day spa with your skin all exfoliated and shit, right. I mean, seriously homes, why would our Iraqi brethren want four hundred pounds of C4, claymores and crates of M-16s? I mean, it just doesnt make any sense. Oh wait, you know they could be using all that C4 for like a giant Fourth of July celebration! [Looks up at Colbert, who is sitting on the Humvee nearby] What do you think, Brad?
Sgt. Brad "Iceman" Colbert: I think it's time for you to shut the fuck up.
"That's 'cause he's a psycho. But at least he's our psycho".
— Cpl. Josh Ray Person, Screwby
Sergeant Brad 'Iceman' Colbert: We're supposed to be a recon unit of pure warrior spirit. We're out here, 40 klicks in enemy lines, and this man of God here, he's a fuckin' POG. In fact, he's an officer POG. That's one more layer of bureaucracy and unnecessary logistics, one more asshole we need to supply MREs and baby wipes for. And worst of all, worst of all, the motherfucker doesn't even carry a weapon. When push comes to shove even Rolling Stone picks up a gun but this fuckin' shill of God, he can't cover a sector, he'll never hump ammo or Claymores. This is a fuckin' war and we're here as warriors, so on top of everything else that's expected of us do we really need to drag him along and indulge in this make-believe bullshit?
Corporal Josh Ray Person: Oh, no. Now not only do we have to worry about all the Charms you've eaten, but now — Brad's just pissed off God.
— Combat Jack
Lt. Commander Bodley: Men. I'm holding a service, and I wonder if you would take comfort in pausing for a word of prayer.
Cpl. Josh Ray Person: Oh, no thank you Lieutenant Commander. We got the warning order, so it looks like we're going to be moving out to kill a lot more of these Godless heathens for you. But don't worry, we will not rest until the Iraqi threat to your way of worship has been completely neutralized.
Lt. Commander Bodley: I'm aware of the warning order, and it's for that reason that we're congregating right now for a brief service of...
Cpl. Josh Ray Person: The other thing is, is that my team leader here, Sgt. Colbert? Yeah, he was born a Hebrew, and remains a practicing Christ killer. So it's purely out of respect for him, I feel as though I'm going to have to forego your festive rituals.
— Combat Jack
"Na, na, na, na, Brad. You cannot say that you like Pocahontas. The genocide of my peoples turned into a cartoon musical with a singing raccoon. I mean, think about it, dog. The real story of Pocahontas is about a bunch of white boys who come to my land, bribe the corrupt Indian chief, kill off all the warriors and fuck the Indian princess silly. Would the white man make a story about Auschwitz? Where the inmate falls in love with the guard? And they go off singing love songs, with dancing swastikas?"
— Sgt. Antonio "Poke" Espera, Combat Jack
"Poke, what the fuck are you anyway? You wife is half white, you talk like youre black, most of your friends are fucking white and, every once in a while, when you feel like it, you throw in with the Indians. Is it just youre whatever race happens to be cool at the moment?"
— Sgt. Brad "Iceman" Colbert, Combat Jack
Lance Corporal Harold James Trombley: Hey Person, didn't your mom put your picture up on the Wal-mart Wall Of Heroes?
Cpl Josh Ray Person: Yep. My grandma did when I went to Afghanistan. I'm on the Nevada, Missouri Wal-mart Wall Of Heroes. I even got my dress blues on.
Sgt Brad "Iceman" Colbert: If my mother ever distributed my likeness without written authorization, I would disown her.
Cpl Josh Ray Person: Technically speaking, Brad, but... didn't your biological parents disown you when they put you up for adoption?
Sgt Brad "Iceman" Colbert: Point, Ray. I was one of those unfortunates adopted by upper middle-class professionals and nurtured in an environment of learning, art and a socio-religious culture steeped in more than 2000 years of Talmudic tradition. Not everyone is lucky enough to have been raised in a whiskey tango trailer park by a bow-legged female whose sole qualification for motherhood is a womb that happened to catch a sperm of a passing truck driver.
Cpl Josh Ray Person: At least my mom took me to NASCAR!
— A Burning Dog
"Goddamn Baptista! How the fuck would he like it if I joined the Brazilian Marines and only spoke English?"
— Cpl Josh Ray Person, A Burning Dog
Sgt. Brad "Iceman" Colbert: I want you to know you done good, Tony. You earned a lot of reputation in the recon community as my ATL. You always had my six and... I just want you to know that I really appreciate that. And it's been, uh—
Sgt. Antonio "Poke" Espera: You realize the shit that we've done here? The people we've killed? Back in the civilian world, dog, if we did this... we would go to prison.
Sgt. Brad "Iceman" Colbert: Poke, you're thinking like a Mexican again. Think like a white man. Over there they'll be laying on medals for what we did.
— Stay Frosty
Sgt Antonio "Poke" Espera: The priest told me it's not a sin to kill if you don't enjoy killing. My question is whether indifference is the same as enjoyment.
Sgt. Brad "Iceman" Colbert: All religious stuff aside, the fact is, people who can't kill will always be subject to those who can.
— Bomb In The Garden