"Look, if they say we fought valiantly here, I want 'em to know we fought retarded."
— Staff Sergeant Eric Kocher
- Rolling Stone struggles with his chem warfare protective gear, stumbling along trying to follow the Marines to cover while trying to put on his gloves, finally collapsing into a heap on the ground. Several Marines in gas masks crowd around him and lean in trying to figure out what the problem is, only to see that the crotch strap on his suit is painfully crushing Rolling Stone's nuts. Finally, Garza takes out a pair of pliers and rips the strap off, to Wright's obvious relief.Garza: Check it out, I just performed testicle surgery on the reporter!
- Sergeant Wasik (the Hitler-stache guy) goosestepping behind Sixta's back while Sixta is reprimanding Pappy for his mustache.
- Captain America's overaggressive approach to clearing out the empty airfield."FOLLOW MY TRACERS! Engage those buildings! Move into position! Engage, ENGAGE!"
- Particularly Person's reaction. "Can you believe that fucking retard is in charge of people?"
- "He's got his fucking bayonet out. Doing his Rambo."
- Redman cannot understand why "He's shooting at scraps of metal."
- A bit of black humor in the sixth episode, when Colbert's Humvee is driving past a severed head lying in the road. He tells Person to avoid driving over it, and he does so...only to have the Humvee drive over the corpse the head was attached to. Colbert's exasperated "You can't fucking win here," takes the moment from morbid to darkly hilarious.
- There's a lot of background commentary from the Marines, particularly radio traffic, that is hilarious. For example, in the sixth episode, there's a loud crash in the background, followed by someone yelling that Manimal dropped a box of grenades, followed by Pappy adding that "You see, this is why we can't have nice things."
Marine 1: Shit, you know she's my cousin.Marine 2: She's Puerto Rican. You're Mexican.Marine 3: Puerto Ricans are tropical Mexicans.
- In the very first episode, while Person is asking Fick for a sitrep not on their actual status but on whether reports of J. Lo being dead are true, you can hear a couple of marines in the background:
Fick: Ray, the Battalion Commander offered no stirep as to J. Lo's status.
- Lt. Fick's reaction to Ray's seemingly out-of-nowhere question about J. Lo is 100% officer, and delivered completely deadpan.
- Captain America flipping out on the comms toward the end of "Stay Frosty."Person: Oh my God... Is he crying?Colbert: No, he's not. Just nervous.Captain America: We're going to DIE if they don't get us out of here! They SENT US TO DIE!Colbert: Okay, fuck it. He's crying.
- "Always run in a serpentine fashion!"
- "I love you, Fruity Rudy!"
- The discussion between Trombley and Person about joining the Marines. More so since Trombley is complaining that he didn't get to shoot.Trombley: Sergeant, I didn't get to shoot.Person: That fucking sucks, Trombley. Did your recruiting officer tell you you'd get to shoot people?Trombley: Fuckin' A he did!Person: See, Trombley asked about shooting people. I asked about pussy. Guy told me I'd get to go to Thailand and get all kinds of strange. What'd you ask about, Brad? Brad probably saw that T.V. commercial, the one where the knight fucks up the dragon then turns into the marine.Hasser: Whoo, dress blues with a sword!Person: Fucking dress blues commercial, man, that got so many fucking guys. Now look at us! Trombley hasn't killed anybody, I am half a world away from good Thai pussy, and Colbert is out here rolling around fuckbutt Iraq, hunting for dragons in a MOPP suit that smells of four days of piss and ballsweat. (Reporter whispers "wow") You should have rolled into battle with a sword, Brad. That would have fucking rocked.
- "Did you sing 'King of the Road' without me?"
- Pretty much anytime the Marines start off-key singing.
- Especially when Ray's singing 'Tainted Love' and he's trying to get Colbert to do the beats. Eventually, Colbert does so. It's hilarious.
- Ray tends to do this a lot across Iraq, even when the company officers are trying to hold a meeting not two feet away.
- Their personalized versions of "Boyz in the Hood" and "Loving You".
- "You killed a lot of sand. The sand was... very evil." Along with the rest of that conversation, but that was a highlight.
Colbert: It's autokinesis. You're seeing the involuntary muscle movements of your own eyes. Those lights aren't going to come any closer than they are. It's a fucking town.(Colbert goes to sleep. Not long after, the airstrike happens.)Person: Well, apparently the United States Air Force thinks Brad Colbert is full of shit.
- To elaborate: The company settles down for the night in the field. Some Marines posted on watch observe an apparently moving column of lights off in the distance. Given that they have intel saying an Iraqi tank formation is not far away, this is an obviously worrying development, so an air strike gets called in. Unfortunately, the officer calling it in sent the wrong authorization codes and coordinates, so the attack aircraft get sent to another location and find nothing there. The flight leader macgyvers out what he thinks is the real coordinates while in the air, leads his planes there, and bombard that patch of ground—again, an empty field. Come morning, this string of errors becomes more and more obvious to everyone, though there was an attempt to weasel out of it by declaring the thorough search for enemy tank remains both specific and non-specific on an empty field "inconclusive". Colbert had correctly judged in the night that the men on watch were merely hallucinating that the lights (from a distant village) were moving after staring intently at them for too long. A group of Alpha marines make fun of these events in conversation, culminating with the above quote.
Scott: Dude, what do you think they're saying?Smith: (imitating lieutenant) Excuse me, Meesh. Tell the man that we come in friendship.Fawcett: And Meesh is all "Dude, my big American friends are going to fuck you up if you don't show us some blownup tanks." And the Hajji's all, "Habadabada? Habadadabada."Burris: And Meesh is all, "Dude, these Iraqis love the fact that we are here. They fucking love freedom and they thought that those fireballs last night were fucking wicked, dude. You Americans have killed a lot of sand. The sand was... very evil.Smith: The Lieutenant's all, "Meesh, I just shit my panties. Tell the nice man if he doesn't show me at least one blown-up tank, I'll look very stupid and the other officers will laugh at me.Burris: And Meesh is all, "Dude, throw me a friggin' bone here. How about a frigging pickup truck with bald tires?"Fawcett: Bro, and the Hajji's all, "Habdaba? Dabity daba." And Meesh is, "Lieutenant, this Hajji dude is totally bummed he can't save your career. He's got no tanks, but check it out, you can have his bitchin' dog!"It is at this point that the Lieutenant is handed a large, well-fed goat.
- Also, the gibberish taking the place of Arabic in that made-up conversation is an approximation of how Jawas speak.
- Sgt. Major Sixta laying into a group of First Recon Marines who are catcalling at a female Marine sitting guard on a truck nearby:Sgt. Major Sixta: "Belays that, Devil Dog! You's a'squealin' like a bunch of buttfucked Vassar bitches! Unfuck yourselves! We're gonna suffer the spectacle of WM with a bunch of horny Devil Dogs trailing her stern! Get y'selves squared up here! [turns to Manimal] Corporal. You're inappropriatin' your chemical filtration device by attempting fornication wit'it! Jesus, do I have to tell you to not desecrate your mask with perversions? [turns to marines watching the scene] WHERE THE FUCK ARE YOUR HELMETS?!"
- Ray getting out of the Humvee and, while bullets fly all around him:Ray: Lilley, what the fuck! Would you please, BACK THE FUCK UP.
- Ray talking about how he's going to make cookies with the things he's been hoarding, managing to sound like a little kid.
- Colbert sees Ray trying to make his cookies by heating a metal cup with a lighter. He warns him not to set his face on fire again.
- Soon after, the hamlet they are observing unexpectedly gets hit by an airstrike. Ray seems more upset that he ended up spilling his half-baked cookie.
- "Well, helloooo, little pup. I'm Big Gay Al!"
- A very subtle one in Episode 2. When the Marines pass the supply unit that was ambushed, there's a shot from inside a busted truck. Right in the middle of the shot is a half-open packet of Charms.
- On bridge crossing:Fick: I'm assured we'll cross that bridge before dawn. I'm assured of this.[Gilligan Cut to the Marines crossing the bridge in broad daylight]Trombley: Sergeant, I thought we would be crossing the bridge in the darkness?Person: Mm-mm. Not retarded enough.
- In fact, there's a running gag of Fick telling his men "I'm assured of this," trying desperately to convince them and himself that what the brass has told him is actually true. It never is.
- "You know what happens when you leave the Marines? You get your brains back." Thus spoke Person.
- Captain America raging among the dead Iraqis after the bridge ambush. Even more hilarious given that the night before, he absolutely panicked.Captain America: "How's it feel now you filthy motherfuckers!? Goddamn dirty hajji motherfuckers trying to fuck with me? FUCK YOU! That's what you get when you try to ambush Marines, motherfucker, you get DEAD! Fucking bitch!"
- Ray calls Brad a disowned individual because Brad was given in adoption. Colbert slaps him back sharply by pointing out he was raised by an upper-middle class and cultured Jewish family, as opposed to Ray's white-trashy background. Ray's retort is priceless.Ray: "Technically speaking, Brad, but... didn't your biological parents disown you when they put you up for adoption?"Brad: "Point, Ray. I was one of those unfortunates adopted by upper-middle class professionals and nurtured in an environment of learning, art, and a socio-religious culture, steeped in more than two thousand years of Talmudic tradition. Not everyone is lucky enough to have been raised in a Whiskey Tango trailer park by a bow-legged female whose sole qualification for motherhood is a womb that happened to catch the sperm of a passing truck driver."
- Then add in Trombley asking after a long beat: "Your dad was a truck driver?"
- Ray's summation of the causes of global instability: "It's lack of pussy what fucks countries up..."
- Poke coming across Christenson and Q-Tip roasting the animal that Q-Tip caught:Poke: What is it with you white boys? Leave you alone for ten minutes you go all Lord of the Flies an' shit.
- Garza losing his helmet, and Espera's reaction to it:Garza: Sergeant, I just lost my helmet! (while the Humvee they are in is racing across the desert)Espera: What do you wanna do, hold a funeral?
Sgt. Major Sixta: "THAT KEVLAR WASN'T YOURS TO LOSE!!! THAT WAS THE PROPERTY OF THESE UNITED STATES MARINE CORPS! It belonged to every Marine! Because of your FAILURE to secure that HEMLET, you've jeopardized EVERY MARINE SERVING TODAY! I was considering NJP'ing your ass!"note (to Colbert) "Sergeant Colbert! This's what happens when you don't enforce the grooming standard! The men's gets all lax, and then other standards fall. Devil Dog here stops using his chinstrap, goes over bump, Kevlar goes flying off his head, and our protective posture is weakened."
- Sgt. Major Sixta's reaction to it later.
- After the SGM is out of earshot, Garza says, "At least I'm not the fucking retard who lost an entire supply truck."
- Later, we see Garza has scavenged a motorcycle helmet as a temporary replacement.
- He is later told that he cannot wear the motorcycle helmet, so he picks up an enemy helmet as another replacement. Delta thinks that that makes him an enemy target; friendly fire ensues.
- Early in the first episode, the Marines get letters from some elementary school children. After reading one particularly encouraging letter from a young girl...Marine: Ooh, I like them braids. (while looking at her picture)
- From the book:Ray: Yeah. When I get back Im gonna start a gay club. Ill call it the Mens Room. There will be, like, a big urinal with a two-way mirror everyone pisses against. It will be, like, facing the bar, so when everyones drinking there will be, like, these huge giant cocks pissing at them.Colbert: Person, give it a rest, please.
- When some of the marines capture an Iraqi and are about to search him, Captain America comes charging in screaming and beats the (already surrendered) prisoner with his rifle and tries to stab him with his bayonet, instead stabbing another marine. Fortunately, he only manages to embed the bayonet in one of his magazines.Captain America: "I fucked his shit up good, didn't I?"Redman: "You stuck him in a magazine. Better luck next time, sir."
- During some down time, while sitting with Wright, Colbert starts talking about heavy shit, then pauses. He then abruptly says "I'm going to be an airplane," jumps up, and zooms around the area with his arms outstretched (that part is shown in the series). He then sits down after about five minutes and goes back to what he was doing before, without a word of explanation.
Person: What, did you like give him some Rolling Stone drugs or something?Wright: No.Person: Then what the fuck did you do to him.Wright: I just asked him what he'd be if he wasn't a Marine.Person: Oh my God, he wants to be a ballerina? That was my fucking dream!
- Person walks up while this is happening, and asks Wright;
"All stations, be advised Sergeant Colbert is, uh, wings level. Does someone wanna clear him hot?"
- In the background one of the Marines can be heard commenting over the radio;
- Person at the start of episode 6:Person: "Iraqis don't really seem good at fighting, but they never really completely surrender either."
- In Part 6, "Stay Frosty", after Colbert talks about how First Recon's role in the war is effectively over, there's some background radio chatter."Hitman Two-Three, this is Hitman Two-Two....um...over."
"Manimal, you're not allowed to use the handset again, over."
- After Reporter points out that if they are allowed out of their MOPP suits, that means there were no WMD's, and thus the entire invasion was for wrong reasons.Person: "I knew you were a fucking gay-ass liberal. You tried to pretend by invading Iraq with us but I knew!"
- During a tense engagement where the convoy is being fired on from a nearby village on one side and snipers are taking pot shots at them from the other side, Lt. Fick chooses this moment to talk to Wright, reflecting on how safety is entirely relative:Fick: Most people in America right now think of Iraq as a dangerous country. Now, if I were to stand up, I might get killed. But to us, behind this wheel it's pretty safe. So to us, Iraq is a safe country. Right here, I feel pretty safe. Do you feel safe?Wright: Pretty safe, I guess.Fick: See? It's all relative.
- Godfather explains to his officers why he isn't afraid of the Iraqis and their dedicated efforts to kill him and his men. It isn't because he's a particularly brave man, no, it is because he has a greater fear. Sometimes, in his darkest hours, the Godfather fears... that he might do something that General Mattis will not like. But only sometimes.
- Person suggests that their forest-green chemical warfare gear is actually the correct desert camo, but everybody is so stressed out and sleep-deprived that they only think it's green. Colbert is visibly shaken by this possibility.
- Captain America is digging a hole to bury his captured AKs in after having a "Come to Jesus" talk from Sgt Kocher. Carisalez and Redman, unaware of the context of the Captain's actions, assume he's just digging a foxhole so he can rub one out in privacy, a course of action they find pretty reasonable.
- And of course, the time that they're saved by Encino Man's incompetence: when he calls for an artillery strike over subordinates' objectionsnote but fails to recognize that he got the coordinates wrong, the fire direction center simply moves on Alpha Company's correct call for fire.
- Steel Rain: Hitman, this is Steel Rain, reconfirm grid zone designator.
Hitman: Umm, what do you mean?
Steel Rain: Stand by Hitman, break, break. Assassin, this is Steel Rain, your grid zone designators are correct. Message to observer; Papa-Uniform-Victor...
- For those not familiar with military communications, that's basically the polite way of saying "Shut up, stupid. Here's the proper way to call in an artillery strike.
- Alpha Company is detached to enter a town garrisoned by an Iraqi Republican Guard unit and rescue a captured Marine. During the planning, the commander briefing Captain Patterson points out the various planned routes into the town, code-named Cheetahs, Rhino, Crazy Horse, and Seventh Veil. After a Beat, the commander explains that during their planning session, his NCOs named all of the routes after their favorite strip clubs.
- A nameless CIA agent drops in with a defecting Iraqi general and a group of cobbled-together Iraqi freedom fighters, declaring an ambitious plan for them to enter and liberate the town at dawn, while also capturing Ali Hassan Almajid, aka Chemical Ali. Naturally, the Iraqi freedom fighters all desert the night before the planned attack.CIA Agent: General Alhamadi's operatives were compromised shortly after entering the town last night. They were executed by Ba'ath party loyalists. Clearly, this impacted negatively on the morale of his forces.Battallion Commander: So your freedom fighters ran, huh?CIA Agent: Colonel, our liberation wasn't a cakewalk either. If you remember, there were some grim moments at Valley Forge.
Patterson: Sir, it seems General Washington made off with my Oakleys.note
- Shortly after:
- The scene where Colbert, having spent the entire show insulting Ray's parentage, intelligence, and personal grooming standards, finally manages to get a rise out of him... by telling him he should be more like Trombley. Ray immediately stands and shouts "More like Trombley? MORE LIKE TROMBLEY?", and all the marines in the area go "ooooh."
- A valuable supply truck is abandoned and unsurprisingly looted. To great dishonor and chagrin, it transported the battalion colors, carried into battle since Vietnam. Cpl. Person jumps at the chance to sarcastically analyze the move and delivers one of his Idiot Hero remarks about the higher-ups.Ray: Im betting that they were thinking that they could just, you know, leave a fully loaded supply truck laying around, just like you could anywhere in America, you know. I mean, you park your unlocked car in Detroit or Baltimore, I mean, your shits going to be there, guaranteed, when you get back from the day spa with your skin all exfoliated and shit, right. I mean, seriously homes, why would our Iraqi brethren want four hundred pounds of C4, claymores and crates of M-16s. I mean, it just doesnt make any sense. Oh wait, you know they could be using all that C4 for like a giant Fourth of July celebration.
- After a second fistfight breaks out at the football game at the end of the series, a Marine can be heard in the background saying "Maybe we shouldn't play football anymore..."
- Director Susanna White mentions on the DVD commentary that when the real Brad Colbert was shown the series at Camp Pendleton, he was so embarrassed by some of the things he had said that he watched certain scenes through his fingers.
- In a morbid example:Nate: Gentlemen, our A-O is now Mesopotamia. The land between the Euphrates and the Tigris, cradle of civilization.Espera: The Marines ahead of us sure civilized these motherfuckers [points to dead enemy fighter sprawled out on the ground].