Ilya's right-brain, left-brain monologue/argument as he's creeping up to the Haunted Museum.
"Lord Jesus, is that you? Why do you sound like a little girl?"
"I thought it would be...nice...if I left them in your clutches—hands—"
"Orientation. Slept through it." "Wonder how you slept standing up, because no one sits down on butt-branding day."
Ilya's very non-successful first meeting with Penny.
"....hot. Uh. Day."
Ilya thinking (as the logical alternative to thinking she's hitting on him,) that Penny is possessed after she imitates Lauren Bacall.
"Goodbye, Mister Marmoset. It's been, uh, unreal, meeting you....watching you roll around in the dirt...."
"Ilya, you've known this since you were twelve, when we taught you quantum physics."
"My name is not Luke Skywalker, but I'm here to rescue you!", which is immediately followed by "Fortunately for him, I was of the Host Who Seek Death In Vain, not the Host Who Shoot Radioactive Lasers Out Of Their Eyes."
Ilya's inner Neanderthal comes to the fore when he finally finds Penny:
Ilya noting that everyone is staring at him and Penny, except Master Ossifrage, who is facepalming.
"I hated him because he was better looking than me. I wanted to punch him in the face. If I punched him enough in the face, he would cease being better looking than me. It was a logical thought process."
Ilya's chagrin on finding that it was technically Penny who rescued him and not the other way around—and his absolute glee when he does unequivocally get to collect on saving her from a genuine monster.
The floor wax argument. Which Ilya wisely concedes, given that they have better things to worry about.
"Technomancer world, sir! Look out for his jetpack and explodey-boom weapons!"
The multitude of Catholic saints Ilya prays to during the novel...up to and including the patron saint of throat ailments.
"A Muromets never compromises his honor. My nay is nay, and my yeah is damn straight!"
Ilya being finally called on (via Dope Slap) his Leeroy Jenkins/Idiot Hero tendencies...which have just led him into an introduction with "distilled essence of pain."
"The one with breasts like melons?" "I also like her for her personality. Or I will, once I get to know her."
