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Never Leave Fanfiction Lying Around:

  • Pippin overhears the end of a conversation that involved Gimli calling Arwen "the most beautiful troll in Middle-earth".
    Pippin: Did I miss something?
    Merry: If you did, then so did I...
  • The characters mock Starr's description.
    Fic: Her long, strawberry blonde hair glistened in the morning sun.
    Merry: Obviously she has problems with grease.
  • Arwen's reaction to the Legolas/Starr pillow fight.
    Arwen: That would be terribly romantic, but somehow she ruins it.
    Pippin: Well, you two are a very romantic couple! You've probably done that before, haven't you?
    ...Aragorn and Arwen both turned a lovely shade of crimson.
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  • "If you will all just excuse me, I'll be throwing myself off the battlements now."
  • Arwen's reaction to Starr's "It is fate!" line.
    Arwen: Oh, this is ridiculous! She's known [Legolas] for, what, a day! He could be a convicted child molester for all she knows!
    Legolas: HEY!
    Arwen: I didn't say you really were, Legolas.
  • "ELVES DON'T SWOON!"
  • Starr almost drowns.
    Fic: Legolas swore loudly in Elvish and dove into the water...
    The real Legolas, however, swore loudly in Dwarvish.
    Gimli: I taught him that one, I did!
  • Gandalf randomly appears long before his canonical reappearance.
    Fic: A bright light suddenly appeared, and lo! It was Gandalf!
    "SINCE WHEN!" yelled all present in unison [...] while Tolkien rolled over in his grave.
  • Pippin's reaction to Starr stealing his song.
    Pippin: Oh no, she didn't. I know she is not stealing my song. The one I made up on the spot for Denethor. And was very proud of. I know she is not stealing one of my most serious moments... That wench! We hates her, Precioussss!
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  • Fic!Éomer's first appearance has him calling Starr "exquisite".
    Éowyn: I don't think my brother has ever used the word "exquisite" in his entire life.
  • "I have no idea what a drama queen is, but I am sure Gandalf is not one!"
  • Faramir says never to judge a book by its cover. Gimli gives the fic a pointed look, and Faramir admits that it should be judged by its cover.
  • "Even Gríma wouldn't touch [Starr] with anything but a knife."
  • Elladan reads a particularly bad NC-17 part and faints. Legolas looks at the page and faints too. Faramir picks up the book and prepares to read.
    Faramir: By the Valar, she does not need to illustrate it!
  • Glorfindel reads another NC-17 scene.
    Glorfindel: [to fic!Legolas] LEGOLAS! YOU ARE HEIR TO THE THRONE OF MIRKWOOD! YOU CANNOT AFFORD TO HAVE YOUR WAY WITH RANDOM GIRLS IN CLOSETS!
    Legolas: [to Aragorn] May I borrow your sword, for I have the sudden urge to disembowel myself. Or shall I use my own bow?
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  • Arwen takes offense to one of Éomer's comments.
    Arwen: If you are implying that I am scary, I will chop off all your appendages, starting with the smallest!

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