Funny / Dungeon Crawler Carl

Dungeon Crawler Carl

• Carl almost dies in the first five minutes because Mordecai didn't know the dungeon was opening that day, and so wouldn't open the tutorial guild door until the mobs were too close and he wasn't allowed to let Carl in.
  Mordecai: You took too long.
  Carl: I took too long!?
• After Donut eats the Legendary Pet Biscuit and explodes, Carl has to wait for her to regenerate. When she does, suddenly she's a Talking Animal who sounds like a stuck-up princess, refers to Carl as her "manservant," and changes the party name to "the Royal Court of Princess Donut."
  Carl: Goddammit Donut.
• The sheer exasperation when Carl discovers that the audience has decided that "goddammit Donut" is his Catchphrase.
• The achievement Carl gets for feeding some starving dog mobs outside a boss room.
  New achievement! PETA Enthusiast!
  You somehow managed to remove the hostility of an aggravated, non-sapient enemy. That enemy then fought against other enemies to your benefit. The ghost of Steve Irwin smiles down upon you.
  Reward: I SAID THE GHOST OF STEVE IRWIN SMILES DOWN UPON YOU.

Carl's Doomsday Scenario

• When Carl finds an enchanted anklet, he assumes it will work for his foot-based build. But when he reads the description, all it does is talk about how ugly and distracting the thing is. Carl takes the hint, and gives it to Donut instead.
• At the end, random magical waves are doing weird things to magic, so everyone has to unequip their enchanted items. Carl still doesn't have any non-magical clothing. Meaning he spends the extremely tense do-or-die last twenty minutes of the floor buck naked.
  Crawler: Please get your dick out of my face.
  • Not quite no non-magical clothes. He still has most of his leather jacket. The recap shows him running to the stairs with his dick flopping all over the place under his jacket.
  Odette: Well, I guess we can confirm that the sex tape was definitely a snick.
• Right before they descend the stairs, Donut points out that they're going straight to Odette's show, and won't have access to their inventories. And Carl is still naked.
  Carl: Goddammit Donut.
• On the show, Odette notes that with Carl's streaking they finally have definitive proof that the sex tape was definitely faked.

The Dungeon Anarchist's Cookbook

• Donut quickly becomes addicted to haggling, and with her huge Charisma almost convinces the shopkeep to start spending her own money to give them a bigger discount.
• A patch comes out that liquids can only be added to inventory if they are in a container. Cue the gallons upon gallons of blood that Katia had stored in her inventory after her stint as a cowcatcher coming spurting out, drenching their private space. Five seconds after she finished cleaning.
  • All that blood was stored in a separate tab in her inventory helpfully labeled "Gross Shit" by the dungeon AI.
• When Katia gets some Boring, but Practical items from a fan box, she can't help but be disappointed. Donut compares it to getting an electric litter box—yes, it's helpful, but it's not very interesting. Carl immediately snaps that it was a very nice litter box, it cost him a lot of money, and Bea asked for it specifically, so he still doesn't understand why she was mad. Katia can't help but stare.
  Katia: ...did you really buy your girlfriend an electric litter box for her birthday?
• Prepotente, the Uplifted Animal goat, talks like a polite British gentleman... even when he's casually threatening to murder other Crawlers for interrupting his plans. Or when he's randomly screaming.
• After Prepotente threatens to murder Carl and Imani, Miriam Dom whacks him on the head with her staff, makes him sit down like a child, and apologizes to the others for him.
  Prepotente: I will kill you tonight as you sleep.
  Miriam Dom: No you won't, sweetie. [kisses his head where she whacked him]
  Prepotente: Do it again. It still hurts.
  Miriam Dom: Only if you're a good boy. And apologize to those two.
  Prepotente: [to Carl and Imani] I'm sorry I wanted to murder you.
  Miriam Dom: Good Pony. [kisses his head again]
  Prepotente: [screams]
  Carl: I have questions. So very many questions.
• Carl gets an achievement after collecting more than 700 hats to rescue the people trapped at the Abyss.
  Reward: We don't reward this sort of behavior. It's weird.
• While acting as the scoop on the train, Katia kept storing bodies, body parts, and blood in her inventory. After they finally getting all the other crawlers they knew about to safety, she spends time cleaning their safehouse of all the blood they'd tracked in. Then, after the Recap, the announcement states that liquids not stored in a container can no longer be stored in inventory. She gushes gallons of blood all around her in a circle. She's untouched, but the saferoom is drenched.
  Donut: Really, Katia, if you need to borrow a sanitary napkin, just ask.

The Gate of the Feral Gods

• As an example of how unsubtle Carl is, Donut says that he used to ask for sex from Bea by pulling down his pants and saying "me so horny."
  Carl: What? I never did that.
  Donut: Oh, right, that was Brad.
• Donut insists over and over that she is not going in the water quadrant. When the land quadrant gets flooded, she is knocked unconscious, they are both washed out to sea, and she wakes up several hundred feet underwater and starts freaking out. Carl remembers a time he tried to give her a bath and ended up having to go to the emergency room. The pair fight several giant sharks, swim to the surface, and then row to shore on a raft, while Donut looks like a drowned rat.
  Carl: Well. That was pretty awesome.
  Donut: Go fuck yourself, Carl.

The Butcher's Masquerade

• Before Carl and Donut have a chance to meet back up, he asks what her new subclass is. Katia and Mordecai keep interrupting before she can answer. Eventually she does get a chance to explain that she's a Legendary Diva. She is ecstatic... but she can't sing for shit. Mordecai's number one priority is to get her a magical item that will automatically let her sing in tune.
• The Royal Court encounters a group of female mongos. It looks like they're going to attack, and Mongo and the pack leader leap at each other. Except... that's not quite what's happening.
  They weren't fighting. They were doing the exact opposite of fighting.
  Donut: What are they doing? Get off my Mongo this instant!
• "WE DON'T TALK ABOUT REMAKES, ZEV."
• Due to a civil war in the Borant System, the Bloom loses control of the crawl, and it gets passed over to the Valtay. During the passover, there are a few moments where Lexis (Odette's assistant) can pass on advice with no chance of being overheard. Among other things, she explains that the Valtay are going to try to get the Top 10 killed to clean house. That's not funny. The funny part is Donut's reaction.
  "This is most distressing," Donut grumbled. "I certainly would never have smuggled all those Valtay secret agent guys to Zev and the Borant Emancipation Front if I'd known this was going to happen."
  I exchanged an incredulous look with Lexis, who stared at the cat, open-mouthed.
  "What?" I asked just before we transferred back to the dungeon.
• Carl's first fight with Vrah is awesome, ending with him stabbing her in the neck with one of the poisoned arrows designed to punish Louie for making comments about the faction leader's mom. Donut's summary, however, is hilarious.
  Katia: What happened?
  Donut: Carl gave Vrah gonorrhea!
• The main quest of the floor is... Footloose. Or more specifically, that's the backstory; by the time the crawlers arrive, most of the principal characters are dinosaurs, with the mothers having been transformed into mongoliensis dinosaurs, and the star of the show, Big Tina, transformed into an allosaurus. Still wearing a plastic crown, a pink tutu and feather boa, and clutching a toy wand. Now she travels the Hunting Grounds, killing everything she finds, while the raptors protect her.
  Carl: What the actual hell.
• Donut complains at length about the production set up for the talent show at the eponymous masquerade. She calls it the stage version of a cocker spaniel.
  Donut: They’re just doing it willy-nilly. You know how I feel about willy-nilly, Carl.

The Eye of the Bedlam Bride

• Everyone assumes that Carl is the one who destroyed the last floor. He has to explain, multiple times, that it was definitely just Pony.
• Donut complains that she didn't get a Book of the Floor from the last floor, because Pony destroyed it before she could check the mailbox. She demands Carl call his lawyer. Later, when she tells everyone else about this, Elle suggests Carl's lawyer should sue.
• Carl's entrance to Club Vanquisher.
  Cleric of Hellik: Dude, did you just rip your dick off and throw it at me?
  Carl: I'll do it again if you don't let me in.
• Prince Stalwart of the Skull Empire declares he will kill Donut, skin her, and use her fur to line his codpiece, where she will "spend the next thousand years warming my enormous genitals."
  Donut: Wow. That's an oddly specific threat. And "enormous"? Really? Nobody was questioning the size of your genitals, so it's really weird you would just randomly bring it up. Carl, did you hear that? Do you think he thought that one up before he got up here, or do you think it just kind of popped out? I'm like 90% certain he had that one ready to go. [gasps] Do you think he was sitting there, waiting for the meeting to start, saying to himself, I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna go with the codpiece line?
  • Just as funny is the fact that she follows that by saying they'll change his name and the system takes it seriously.
  Donut: We are changing the name of Crown Prince Stalwart to Captain Enormous.
  Empress D’Nadia: [trumpets with laughter]
  A hairy goblin guy a few spots over: [also laughs]
  The mexx robot: [ding] Action item added to the queue. Action item has been rejected by the system. Titles may not be changed.
  Donut: Oh, poo.
• The main quest of the floor is "the Chowder War," where the crabs are trying to spread their seed through the ocean to fertilize the waiting eggs. Except that will kill all the baby seals, so the monk seals are fighting them over it. Carl immediately decides they're not getting involved in this bullshit. (They get involved in this bullshit. Getting involved in this bullshit is how Carl wins the floor.)
• Samantha describes her neck-hole as her "nussy" when a bartender asks if she has the cash to pay for drinks.
  Samantha: Oh, yes. I got a coin pouch in my nussy. You make that drink right, and I’ll let you use those sexy claws of yours to... dig it out.
• To finish the world quest and save all the crawlers, Carl needs thousands of new souls to be released into the world so that the demon prince Amayan can cast his portal spell. The AI had earlier declared that crab semen counted as a mob (it's the reincarnation of their ancestors), so Carl has to convince Raul the cultivator crab to masturbate into the ocean.
  "I can't do it," Raul called from behind me. "I need a baby seal."
  I turned at that. "What the fuck, Raul?"
  He waved his pincer. "No, not like that. The seals hang out near the eggs. It's like an automatic reaction. We've been programmed to perform when we see baby seals."
  It was no wonder the monk seals wanted these guys all dead.
• Alpha Carl, summoned by Carl instead of an enemy boss, is suddenly bizarrely friendly, calling him "baby brother" and saying he loves him "despite your many failings." All while Raul is trying to masturbate into the ocean.
  Alpha Carl put his hand on my shoulder. "You don't need to hurt yourself to feel loved. Despite all of your failings..." He paused, looking over my shoulder. "All right. You're gonna have to explain what that crab is doing."
  "He's saving the world," I said through gritted teeth. "But he needs motivation."
• The crab quest finishes off with the AI announcing to the entire dungeon that "Carl jerked off a crab."
  "What the fuck?" I called up into the air. "That's not true!"
  Everyone was looking at me.
  "Dude," Louis said.
  "How does that even work? Don't crabs have two weens?" Elle asked. "Were you double fisting it?"
  "I absolutely did not do that! He, uh, did it to himself."