Funny / A Scotsman in Egypt

• Many. One of the standout ones is when Edward attacks Gaza.
  Edward's biographer would later write of the passionate battlefield speech the Scottish King in Egypt made that day, of how he waxed eloquent on the virtues of the Scottish, the nobility of the Catholic faith and the evils of the Egyptian heathens. He would write of Edward's impassioned plea for noble battle under the recognised rules of civilized warfare, to remember that they were liberating the peoples of Gaza and do all in their power to avoid bringing harm to them.
  Which was a slight exaggeration of what Edward actually said, which was,"RARRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGHHHHHH!"
• DEATH TO SULTAN EL MUSTARD!!! This is what Edward Canmore said upon learning that Egypt already had a ruler.
• Also, when the Popes keep dying in rapid succession, due to Scotland's messangers provoking apoplectic fits.
• The entire battle in Chp 62.
• When the Spanish king has a heart attack from enraged and terrified paranoia that there's a Scottish assassin in the room with him. Farquar the Killer pops out afterward, looks at the king's corpse, and comments that "I don't think I can take credit for this one."
• Gille Calline the Balleol offers "terms of surrender" to Rufus, currently sitting on the throne of York:
  Gille: (in a perfect English accent) My Lord, you are a busy man concerned with affairs of State, as is my Prince in Edinburgh. I will not mince words or in any other way waste either of your valuable time, and will instead cut directly to the heart of the matter.
  Rufus: (aside, to his advisor) He speaks well, considering he is about to drop to his knees and beg for peace. (aloud) Very well, We shall hear you, Diplomat.
  Gille: (in his native Scottish accent) My Prince, Alexander Canmore of Edinburgh, instructs me to make this command of you: ye'll depart these lands immediately, ye'll surrender all ye lands and cities to the control of the Scottish Empire, ye armies shall disband and ye shall bow before Prince Alexander and beg his forgiveness for ye transgressions against his people. England shall become a vassal of the Scottish Empire, and if ye do not submit to this command from ye better, than Prince Alexander shall cut ye arrogant, pigfaced head from ye shoulders and mount it on a pike over the walls of York.
  Rufus: (goes from shocked to insanely pissed)
  Gille: (English accent) What do you say, my Lord? Shall you submit to Prince Alexander's command?
  Rufus: (leaping to his feet) OUT!!! HOW DARE YOU ENTER MY CITY AND INSULT NOT JUST ME, BUT ALL OF ENGLAND!?!? I SHOULD CUT YOUR GIZZARD OUT WHERE YOU STAND, CUR! GO BACK TO YOUR PIGSWINE PRINCE AND TELL HIM I WILL CRUSH HIM AND WIPE HE AND HIS DOGSPAWN COUNTRYMEN FROM THE WORLD AND SEND THEM STRAIGHT TO HELL!
  Gille: I take it that is a no, then.
  • Later on, Gille Calline The Balleol offers control of Baghdad to Pope Stephanus, who oh-so-graciously accepts. Later, when Gille leaves, he gets a message that his new city is right in the path of a marauding Genghis Khan. The combination of fear, indignation, and rage make him drop dead of a heart attack right at his desk.
• "HOLD YE PLACE! GUARD THAT GATE LIKE IT WAS YE ARSEHOLE IN ATHENS!"
• "To simply see the Pope was the dream of most of the faithful, to receive a letter from him a fantasy, and to receive a personal letter of thanks beyond the realms of the wildest fantasy, but for all Aodh's reaction he might as well have been reading a note on the disbursement of funds for the purchase of cabbage."
• "It was my understanding," noted Gille Calline carefully,"That Pope Maczeus' excommunication of Duke Puccio had more to do with the man's.... predilections.... than his politics."
• Gordon of Edinburgh, Diplomatic Genius:
  "It was my understanding," noted Gille Calline carefully,"That Pope Maczeus' excommunication of Duke Puccio had more to do with the man's.... predilections.... than his politics."
  "He buggers boys, ye mean," grunted Gordon, and Gille sighed heavily.
  "Buggers boys?" asked Pope Saracinus,"I was never made aware of this in my former life as a Cardinal."
  Gille had noticed that most of the Pope's he'd dealt with over the decades all shared a common conceit. Despite having spent years or even decades dealing at the heart of the dirty and human politics of the Papacy, the moment they became Pope they all seemed to firmly believe that theirs was a divine selection and the underlying politics of the Church no longer existed.
  "Puccio is a discreet man, but those he chooses to keep in his court speak volumes without saying a word. He has a-"
  "He keeps "ladies" about who can grow beards, have bad knees and a talent for biting pillows," snapped Gordon, obviously disgusted.
  "Come now, Gord-" started Gille, but the brash diplomat from Edinburgh overrode him as the wide-eyed Pope looked on.
  "Oh come now my arse!" he snapped, standing up and pacing angrily about the room. The meeting was supposed to be a standard formality, Gille had been having weekly "chats" with whoever the Pope was in Rome for the moment for years now, "Everyone kens, even England's Harry the Honest sent him some stupid young Catamite to spread his arse for an Alliance."
  • Even funnier? IT WORKS, England and Milan are excommunicated.
• The letter King Istok sends to Domnall Canmore.
  Domnall Canmore,
  
  Your very name is an insult to the honor of your once proud family, it makes me sick to my stomach to use that surname in connection with as pathetic a wretch as you.
  
  Your Father's blood was watered down, surely the result of some dalliance between your Grandfather and a cheap, disease-ridden whore. Perhaps it was her who drained all the courage and strength of Malcolm? Your Father would know, he probably bedded his own mother often enough, and you are probably the result of their foul, hairy backed rutting. But your Uncle? There was a true man, brave and sure of himself when all others questioned his wisdom, your cowardly dog of a Father included.
  
  That you are the one to continue his legacy must burn him in the hell were you can be assured he spends eternity. Though he was a brave man, making you heir to his Empire was the gravest sin any man could commit. Look at you, you useless sodomite, bandying about with your faithful, stupid hound Angus and Hew Mar, a lily-livered fop who has sought to find solace in your cock, and falls into a depression everytime you fail to live up to the standard set by the way his father used to fuck his sorry arse. Every accomplishment you have had has come on the back of another man's work, you have achieved nothing on your own, you stand on the shoulders of giants and call yourself Kronos.
  
  Gawain Arthyn dealt the first blow to the Mongol Horde, your Uncle Edward dealt the blow that broke their back and you... you simply cleaned up the dregs and called yourself Vanquisher of the Horde. Baby Aodh was the one to attack the Turks, and you set Angus to guard your real borders, while you blubbered on your throne over the loss of your twin, or more accurately the cock he used to fuck you with as a child. That a weak, book minded academic like Baby Aodh killed the Sicilians while you wept for the arse you'd lost says much, and there is a reason that Dougall Macdonchie became known as The Unstoppable despite the fact it was YOU who lead the war against the Spanish.
  
  And then you cemented your reputation as "Merciless" by striking at a spent force in the Dutch, allowing your dog Angus to tear out the throat of the crippled, dying body of the Russians before you both heaped yourself onto the pathetic "Empire" of the Venetians and then my neighbors, the Byzantines.
  
  I name you coward, Domnall the "Merciless", I name you opportunist and weakling and self-aggrandizing sodomite. Now Baby Aodh has whored out his own daughter to fool some dolt sitting low in the ranks of MY armies so that you could take control of Rome and destroy the power of the Church like the snide cowards you are? Rather than face an enemy who could truly match you, you have struck from the shadows, played games as if men were chess pieces, and then proclaimed yourself men of peace?
  
  To think I idolized the name Canmore when I studied war in my youth... and to see it come to this? And now Hungary is at war with Scotland? I would not waste away lives on you, Domnall Canmore, though I am sure you would happily throw away the lives of my men, and yours, to avoid your people discovering the truth, that you are a puffed up little boy dressed up in the clothes of your elders and betters, pretending to be a man.
  
  Come to Gallipoli, Domnall Canmore, prove that you deserve that name. Face ME in combat, both of us acting as champions for our Empires, as was done in days long past. Let us spare our men the indignities of war and settle the affairs of the nobility in a noble way, amongst ourselves. Come and face me at Gallipoli Domnall Canmore, man to man, and prove to the world and to me that you deserve the name Canmore.
  
  Istok - King
• This line:
  Khan Orda the Merciless had finally achieved his dream and become Khan of the Mongol Horde.
  All 27 of them.
  • The events that immediately follow are even better. Orda plans to retreat and regroup, attempting to rebuild the Mongol Horde and come back to annihilate "the Skot-tish" with them. But he immediately runs into Captain Steaphan, who, after going Big "NO!"-Big "YES!" with him, promptly kills the last remaining Mongols, signifying the destruction of the Mongol faction.
• After stubbing his toe, eating spoiled meat, learning that some men had deserted, as the rain starts falling, learning that the only other Danish city has fallen, that there's an army of Scotsmen waiting outside, Captain Sigifrid declares that after all these ill omens, Lady Luck is going to start smiling on them. Then he learns Angus the Mauler is leading said army.
  "THAT BITCH!" snapped Sigifrid in horror, then turned on the frightened messenger, "Anything else than, man? Have the Scotsmen learned to fly and shoot fire out of their arses?"
• Everything about Angus the Mauler and his obsession with ELEPHAAAAAAAAAAAAANTS!!!.
• In the ending, when the Scots under Kirk invade the Aztec empire:
  Kirk: "A gah-lah bala to ye too, laddie."