Okay, since the last update (just shy of halfway through the movie), I have:
- Gotten a good five hour nap
- Gotten into a discussion on censorship in which I acted like the most fragile person ever to be protected by the Ministry of Truth
- Jumped into a couple of Forum Games a few times
- Went to the store for soda and crackers
- Avoided watching the latter half of this movie for about eight hours.
Nick went to bed right around the time I got up, so it's just me and whoever happens to walk into the room. Let's do this.
OH GOD MORE FLASHBACK. Hawk's tragic past is closing in.
Hawk: The country is being put to the torch and soon... we will be forced to defend our own lands.
Which you've just said you're utterly failing to—
Voltan: Did somebody order a side of Ham and Cheese?
Ohgodno. But this cuts off the flashback without The Reveal - even though it's obvious who just interrupted. We get a travel montage. None of these people can ride horses worth a shit.
We're back at the Abbey of Cadbury.
Hawk says how well he knows Voltan, and we get the rest of that flashback. The crucifix that Hawk's One True Love blinds Voltan, and she burns his face. As Hawk and his oTL make their escape, Voltan blindly fires the his crossbow and kills her oh my god what a surprise.
The next scene involves Balls using the world's stupidest con to swindle Gort out of his food. Really.
Balls: All I'm saying is... that might be holy food.
Seriously, this scene is the worst excuse for comic relief since... the rest of this movie. What the hell was I thinking?
Gort is too stupid to make the distinction when one of the Sisterhood of the Cadbury Bunny clarifies that "all food is holy" because "it comes from God."
Lots of talk about how pacifism is useless. Like a true munchkin, Hawk is more concerned with gold than philosophy. And now it's time for the slaver.
The so-called Hunchback is as foul as required for this scene and then some. Hawk tries his hand at banditry. He is pretentious as hell as he explains - no shit, explains - that he needs the Hunchback's help unloading the gold from his boat.
Jumpcut movie magic makes for rapidfire archery and crossbow work. It would be better to show Crow and Artie readying their weapons and just cut between people getting mowed down without the horrible jumpcut reloading, but hey. I lost count, so I watch the scene again for the scorecard:
Crow: 8 (plus two hats and a string) Gort: 6 (none in this scene) Artie: 4 Hawk: 3 Balls: 1 Voltan: 1
The fight is short (about six seconds of jumpcuts) and bloodless. Gort makes up for his sad lapse of bloodshed by setting up a deathtrap that Jigsaw might find amusing: he takes the Hunchback's mace, ties its handle to a rope and pulley over the Hunchback's head, and puts the rope in his mouth. It's implied that the Hunchback is somehow unable to move, but I see no restraints.
Also, Hawk gives some of the money to a bunch of slaves wearing nothing but filthy loincloths, and tells them to go back to their villages without providing them with an escort, or weapons, or clothes, or, well, any way of ensuring they even have a chance of doing so successfully.
Our heroes.
The scene ends with robbery, cold blooded murder, and a horrible, horrible joke.
I'm rooting for Voltan even more at this point. He's clearly the least bloodthirsty person in the movie.
He then cements his role as my hero by being a Large Ham, threatening his son and left-hand henchman (See, "left-hand," because he's sinister. Shut up, it's geek humor.) with death, and wangsting to his own kidnap victim about his horrible scarring.
We cut to a man nearly getting trampled by a horse being ridden by a fop *. The fop is Drogo, son of Voltan.
The man is one of the Hunchback's slaver minions, who comes bearing news of the scene we just saw. Thanks, movie, for reminding me of that horrible "fight" scene. And somehow, Drogo doesn't know who Hawk is. HE IS YOUR UNCLE, RETARD. Also, Drogo ensures silence by killing.
More Crystal Power Lasik surgery and it's time to update this thread!
Next: Drogo tries to kill Hawk and steal the gold from Hawk, who stole it from the Hunchback, who got it for stealing extras from the casting company.
