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* [[http://www.cracked.com/article_23150_5-heartwarming-stories-about-horrifying-movie-tv-scenes.html 5 Cruel Movie Moments That Were Adorable Behind The Scenes]]
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-->I dressed and went down to the bar, and a trucker couple was standing there -- a man and a woman in their late 50s. No, they weren't about to pay for a truly novel threesome. They'd heard my singing, and they wanted to meet me.... And that was it. Nobody is going to make a claymation special out of that scenario, but still, it made my holiday.
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-->I dressed and went down to the bar, and a trucker couple was standing there -- a man and a woman in their late 50s. No, they weren't about to pay for a truly novel threesome. They'd heard my singing, and they wanted to meet me....me... And that was it. Nobody is going to make a claymation special out of that scenario, but still, it made my holiday.
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-->A recent scientific study by scientists showed that human consciousness can exist for up to three minutes after the heart has stopped beating and brain function has ceased. Three whole minutes. Whisper the names of everyone who you love. Keep repeating that list for three minutes. What? You only love your dog? Because dogs are fur angels? Then whisper "Fonzi" over and over and over for three minutes.Say their names. Smile. Say their names again. Then gravity will surrender its hold and you'll fall up into lightless sky.
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-->A recent scientific study by scientists showed that human consciousness can exist for up to three minutes after the heart has stopped beating and brain function has ceased. Three whole minutes. Whisper the names of everyone who you love. Keep repeating that list for three minutes. What? You only love your dog? Because dogs are fur angels? Then whisper "Fonzi" over and over and over for three minutes. Say their names. Smile. Say their names again. Then gravity will surrender its hold and you'll fall up into lightless sky.
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* [[http://www.cracked.com/article_20413_5-heartwarming-stories-to-restore-your-faith-in-celebrities.html "5 Heartwarming Stories to Restore Your Faith in Celebrities"]]..
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* [[http://www.cracked.com/article_20413_5-heartwarming-stories-to-restore-your-faith-in-celebrities.html "5 Heartwarming Stories to Restore Your Faith in Celebrities"]]..Celebrities"]].
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--> "Because Santa Claus does exist...if we want him to."
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--> "Because Santa Claus does exist... if we want him to."
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--> (After listing off all of the efforts he made to thwart Nazism, such as forging his brother's signature on thousands of transit papers and aiding the Czech resistance) we like to think his final act summed him up: He was getting old and close to death, and he wanted to do something nice for his housekeeper. So he married her ... just so that when he died, she would keep getting a pension check as his widow.
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--> (After listing off all of the efforts he made to thwart Nazism, such as forging his brother's signature on thousands of transit papers and aiding the Czech resistance) we like to think his final act summed him up: He was getting old and close to death, and he wanted to do something nice for his housekeeper. So he married her ...her... just so that when he died, she would keep getting a pension check as his widow.
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* [[http://www.cracked.com/article_19799_5-creepy-superhero-origin-stories-movies-wisely-left-out.html 5 Creepy Superhero Origin Stories Movies Wisely Left Out]]...not quite for itself, but what came of it. #5, Peter Parker being molested as a child, prompted one commenter, then many, to come forward with their own stories of sexual abuse. It resulted in a long thread of people offering support to one another...and perhaps most importantly, reassurances that they were not alone.
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* [[http://www.cracked.com/article_19799_5-creepy-superhero-origin-stories-movies-wisely-left-out.html 5 Creepy Superhero Origin Stories Movies Wisely Left Out]]... not quite for itself, but what came of it. #5, Peter Parker being molested as a child, prompted one commenter, then many, to come forward with their own stories of sexual abuse. It resulted in a long thread of people offering support to one another... and perhaps most importantly, reassurances that they were not alone.
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* David Wong gets one for [[http://www.cracked.com/article_17061_5-things-you-think-will-make-you-happy-but-wont.html 5 Things You Think Will Make You Happy (But Won't)]], what are those five things? [[spoiler: Wealth, Beauty, Genius, Fame, and Power]]. The best, TakeThat, ever.
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* David Wong gets one for [[http://www.cracked.com/article_17061_5-things-you-think-will-make-you-happy-but-wont.html 5 Things You Think Will Make You Happy (But Won't)]], what are those five things? [[spoiler: Wealth, Beauty, Genius, Fame, and Power]]. The best, best TakeThat, ever.
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--> ...a person is driven to suicide by a whole bunch of different things, which builds a wall around them, piece by piece, until the last piece falls into place and the wall is sealed so that there's no way out. Sometimes we look at all the problems that build up someone's wall of hopelessness and think there's no way any of the insignificant things we could do would be able to take it all down. But to break the illusion of there being no way out, you don't need to take down the whole wall, you just need to make one crack in it. One puppy lick, one phone call from Laila Ali, one corny song, one internet stranger, one old Australian guy asking if you want to come in for a cup of tea. And one crack in that wall might be all it takes to turn things around and begin the long, tough job of tearing the whole thing down.
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--> ... a person is driven to suicide by a whole bunch of different things, which builds a wall around them, piece by piece, until the last piece falls into place and the wall is sealed so that there's no way out. Sometimes we look at all the problems that build up someone's wall of hopelessness and think there's no way any of the insignificant things we could do would be able to take it all down. But to break the illusion of there being no way out, you don't need to take down the whole wall, you just need to make one crack in it. One puppy lick, one phone call from Laila Ali, one corny song, one internet stranger, one old Australian guy asking if you want to come in for a cup of tea. And one crack in that wall might be all it takes to turn things around and begin the long, tough job of tearing the whole thing down.
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* [[http://www.cracked.com/article_19389_the-8-most-badass-make-a-wish-foundation-wishes.html And this article. . . ]]
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* [[http://www.cracked.com/article_19389_the-8-most-badass-make-a-wish-foundation-wishes.html And this article. . . article...]]
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** Which is also a SugarWiki/{{Heartwarming Moment|s}} for the writer himself; all those depressing articles? ''They are based on his life experience.'' He has more than enough justification to complain how the world is unfair and not worth living, yet he wrote an article on how better life can get...*[[ManlyTears sniffs]]*
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** Which is also a SugarWiki/{{Heartwarming Moment|s}} for the writer himself; all those depressing articles? ''They are based on his life experience.'' He has more than enough justification to complain how the world is unfair and not worth living, yet he wrote an article on how better life can get... *[[ManlyTears sniffs]]*
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* #14 in [[http://www.cracked.com/photoplasty_1624_if-no-one-gave-sh21t-about-celebrities/ If No One Gave A Sh!t About Celebrities]]. A magazine telling its reader that they're perfect the way they are is something we may never see in our lifetimes, but it's nice to think about.
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* In the article [[http://www.cracked.com/blog/5-popular-jokes-that-only-make-people-want-to-punch-you/ "5 Popular Jokes That Only Make People Want To Punch You,"]] John Cheese said that trading puns was the lowest form of humor. Trading puns is also a beloved practice in the [[WorldOfPun Cracked comments section]], championed by resident {{Pungeon Master}} [[http://www.cracked.com/members/darkstrolm/ darkstrolm]]. Darkstrolm's simple reply to this [[SeriousBusiness outrageous claim]] has, at the time of writing, gained 1397 upvotes (the highest legitimate amount in Cracked history) and stands as a true testament to the greatness of the Cracked commentors and the community that has formed there. Doubled as a CrowningMomentOfAwesome.\
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* In the article [[http://www.cracked.com/blog/5-popular-jokes-that-only-make-people-want-to-punch-you/ "5 Popular Jokes That Only Make People Want To Punch You,"]] John Cheese said that trading puns was the lowest form of humor. Trading puns is also a beloved practice in the [[WorldOfPun Cracked comments section]], championed by resident {{Pungeon Master}} [[http://www.cracked.com/members/darkstrolm/ darkstrolm]]. Darkstrolm's simple reply to this [[SeriousBusiness outrageous claim]] has, at the time of writing, gained 1397 upvotes (the highest legitimate amount in Cracked history) and stands as a true testament to the greatness of the Cracked commentors and the community that has formed there. Doubled as a CrowningMomentOfAwesome.\
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* In the article [[http://www.cracked.com/blog/5-popular-jokes-that-only-make-people-want-to-punch-you/ "5 Popular Jokes That Only Make People Want To Punch You,"]] John Cheese said that trading puns was the lowest form of humor. Trading puns is also a beloved practice in the [[WorldOfPun Cracked comments section]], championed by resident {{Pungeon Master}} [[http://www.cracked.com/members/darkstrolm/ darkstrolm]]. Darkstrolm's simple reply to this [[SeriousBusiness outrageous claim]] has, at the time of writing, gained 1397 upvotes (the highest legitimate amount in Cracked history) and stands as a true testament to the greatness of the Cracked commentors and the community that has formed there. Doubled as a CrowningMomentOfAwesome.
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* In the article [[http://www.cracked.com/blog/5-popular-jokes-that-only-make-people-want-to-punch-you/ "5 Popular Jokes That Only Make People Want To Punch You,"]] John Cheese said that trading puns was the lowest form of humor. Trading puns is also a beloved practice in the [[WorldOfPun Cracked comments section]], championed by resident {{Pungeon Master}} [[http://www.cracked.com/members/darkstrolm/ darkstrolm]]. Darkstrolm's simple reply to this [[SeriousBusiness outrageous claim]] has, at the time of writing, gained 1397 upvotes (the highest legitimate amount in Cracked history) and stands as a true testament to the greatness of the Cracked commentors and the community that has formed there. Doubled as a CrowningMomentOfAwesome.
CrowningMomentOfAwesome.\
* In the third entry of [[http://www.cracked.com/blog/6-news-stories-everybody-needs-to-stop-sharing-facebook_p2/ this article]], David Christopher Bell slams online [[ScareQuotes "news"]] websites for shaming random people caught committing embarrassing crimes, most of them ''minors'', and in the process ruining their lives forever by engaging in what is essentially corporate cyberbullying. The best part though is that in his screenshots of the websites he's mocking, he blurs out the faces and names of the people who are being made fun of, and then refuses to link to the original articles themselves, which he calls "mean-spirited horsepiss".
* In the third entry of [[http://www.cracked.com/blog/6-news-stories-everybody-needs-to-stop-sharing-facebook_p2/ this article]], David Christopher Bell slams online [[ScareQuotes "news"]] websites for shaming random people caught committing embarrassing crimes, most of them ''minors'', and in the process ruining their lives forever by engaging in what is essentially corporate cyberbullying. The best part though is that in his screenshots of the websites he's mocking, he blurs out the faces and names of the people who are being made fun of, and then refuses to link to the original articles themselves, which he calls "mean-spirited horsepiss".
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** And if the description above doesn't sound that heartwarming, go to the article and read the comments and count how many people credit "The Ten Minute Suicide Guide" with convincing them to ''not'' kill themselves.
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* In the article [[http://www.cracked.com/blog/5-popular-jokes-that-only-make-people-want-to-punch-you/ "5 Popular Jokes That Only Make People Want To Punch You,"]] John Cheese said that trading puns was the lowest form of humor. Trading puns is also a beloved practice in the [[WorldOfPun Cracked comments section]], championed by resident {{Pungeon Master}} [[http://www.cracked.com/members/darkstrolm/ darkstrolm]]. Darkstrolm's simple reply to this [[SeriousBusiness outrageous claim]] has, at the time of writing, gained 1397 upvotes (the highest legitimate amount in Cracked history) and stands as a true testament to the greatness of the Cracked commentors and the community that has formed there. Doubled as a CrowningMomentOfAwesome.
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-->'''[=DrPhilsStache=]:'''Heh, given the tone of Cracked articles lately, I thought this article would be a bile-filled rant about all the ways Billy Mays mistreated his kid. Instead, I was treated to a wonderful, heart-felt article about the hidden side of a great pitch man. It sounds like he was a great dad (and a genuinely nice guy) and you sound like a great son. Thanks for this.
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* [[http://www.cracked.com/article_22094_5-surprising-things-you-learn-as-son-billy-mays.html 5 Strange Realities of Life With a Famous Dad]], written by BillyMays' son. This comments sums it up pretty nicely:
-->'''[=DrPhilsStache=]:'''Heh, given the tone of Cracked articles lately, I thought this article would be a bile-filled rant about all the ways Billy Mays mistreated his kid. Instead, I was treated to a wonderful, heart-felt article about the hidden side of a great pitch man. It sounds like he was a great dad (and a genuinely nice guy) and you sound like a great son. Thanks for this.
-->'''[=DrPhilsStache=]:'''Heh, given the tone of Cracked articles lately, I thought this article would be a bile-filled rant about all the ways Billy Mays mistreated his kid. Instead, I was treated to a wonderful, heart-felt article about the hidden side of a great pitch man. It sounds like he was a great dad (and a genuinely nice guy) and you sound like a great son. Thanks for this.
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* The first four items on [[http://www.cracked.com/article_20535_5-ways-being-legal-prostitute-weirder-than-you-think.html 5 Ways Being A Legal Prostitute Is Weirder Than You Think]] mostly concerns how society's hate for sex workers makes the job more difficult. #5, however, ends with a surprisingly sweet story.
-->I dressed and went down to the bar, and a trucker couple was standing there -- a man and a woman in their late 50s. No, they weren't about to pay for a truly novel threesome. They'd heard my singing, and they wanted to meet me.... And that was it. Nobody is going to make a claymation special out of that scenario, but still, it made my holiday.
-->I dressed and went down to the bar, and a trucker couple was standing there -- a man and a woman in their late 50s. No, they weren't about to pay for a truly novel threesome. They'd heard my singing, and they wanted to meet me.... And that was it. Nobody is going to make a claymation special out of that scenario, but still, it made my holiday.
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* This [[http://www.cracked.com/blog/5-lessons-from-1970s-female-programmer/ article]] which speaks of Christina's regard for her mother.
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** [[http://www.cracked.com/article_21914_6-hidden-sides-disneyland-only-employees-get-to-see.html A second article on Disney's parks]], written some time later by a different employee, has much the same format as the first article. A lot of it sucks for the people who don't get to be in costume, but when you get to the last entry, the employee says that Disney, as a company, [[BenevolentBoss really treats its employees well]].
-->As a reward for fending off vicious geese and being [[GroinAttack stabbed in the groin by children]], they throw us impromptu parties and celebrations pretty regularly, just to keep our morale up. They'll have cast appreciation days, where they bring in huge food trucks to serve us all free meals (they even provide a Thanksgiving Feast for everyone who has to work on the holiday). And while most theme park employees don't get any kind of retirement plan, Disney announced they were providing us with a 401K out of the blue. There's a reason turnover is low at these parks, even if the job means the occasional tantrum from a man dressed as a giant chipmunk.
-->As a reward for fending off vicious geese and being [[GroinAttack stabbed in the groin by children]], they throw us impromptu parties and celebrations pretty regularly, just to keep our morale up. They'll have cast appreciation days, where they bring in huge food trucks to serve us all free meals (they even provide a Thanksgiving Feast for everyone who has to work on the holiday). And while most theme park employees don't get any kind of retirement plan, Disney announced they were providing us with a 401K out of the blue. There's a reason turnover is low at these parks, even if the job means the occasional tantrum from a man dressed as a giant chipmunk.
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* [[http://www.cracked.com/article_21870_i-dont-know-my-age-5-things-i-learned-in-my-isolated-tribe.html I Don't Know My Age: 5 Things I Learned in My Isolated Tribe]]: Although he says he sometimes misses the food from back home and had trouble relating to his peers in the modern world, he's so amazed by stuff we take for granted. Grocery stores, the availability of music, the different types of music, airplanes, faucets, etc. He even says he often finds himself relating to the protagonists of SciFi movies because of their incomprehensibly amazing technology.
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* At the end of the article, [[http://www.cracked.com/article_21908_6-things-i-learned-as-innocent-man-death-row_p2.html 6 Things I Learned as an Innocent Man on Death Row]], Yarris said this:
--> "You can go through worse shit than you ever imagined possible and still choose to be the best version of yourself. People ask me how I'm not angry or bitter, and I ask in reply, 'Why would I want to still be in that horrible prison of hate and bitterness of my own choosing?'"
--> "You can go through worse shit than you ever imagined possible and still choose to be the best version of yourself. People ask me how I'm not angry or bitter, and I ask in reply, 'Why would I want to still be in that horrible prison of hate and bitterness of my own choosing?'"
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* This, at the end of the otherwise NightmareFuel-laden [[http://www.cracked.com/article_21289_7-things-i-learned-as-accomplice-to-mass-murder.html 7 Things I Learned as an Accomplice to Murder]].
--> You see where this is going: I never bashed anybody's head in with a hammer or threw bags full of body parts into a river, but I obviously still have a lot to feel guilty about.
--> Editor's Note: No, you really don't. The greatest responsibility we ever had as kindergartners was to watch Raphael, the class turtle. He escaped. The turtle. Escaped. That one was on us, because even as 5-year-olds, we probably could have caught that turtle. But that would have been the extent of our 5-year-old abilities. We could not have prevented a mass murder with our tiny, Popsicle-sticky fingers. You're totally in the clear on this one, Talia.
--> You see where this is going: I never bashed anybody's head in with a hammer or threw bags full of body parts into a river, but I obviously still have a lot to feel guilty about.
--> Editor's Note: No, you really don't. The greatest responsibility we ever had as kindergartners was to watch Raphael, the class turtle. He escaped. The turtle. Escaped. That one was on us, because even as 5-year-olds, we probably could have caught that turtle. But that would have been the extent of our 5-year-old abilities. We could not have prevented a mass murder with our tiny, Popsicle-sticky fingers. You're totally in the clear on this one, Talia.
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* [[http://www.cracked.com/article_21011_6-things-nobody-tells-you-about-working-at-disney-world_p2.html This.]] Even though it has plenty of plights, it's beautiful to see that all the employees believe that it is all worth it.
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* [[http://www.cracked.com/article_21011_6-things-nobody-tells-you-about-working-at-disney-world_p2.html This.]] This article]] details what it's like to work at Disney. Even though it has plenty of plights, it's beautiful to see that all the employees believe that it is all worth it.it, which is what #1 is all about. This story the article's author tells is all sorts of heartwarming:
-->Once, there was this little wheelchair-bound girl whom I helped to the front of a line for Mickey's magic show. Once the show started, I went over to the merchandise cart and grabbed a Mickey plush, saying I needed it for "guest recovery." While the little girl's dad was holding her up to watch the show, I quickly stuck the Mickey sorcerer plush into her tiny little wheelchair. When he sat her back down, Mickey was waiting right there in the chair for her. The little girl saw it, then turned around to her dad and said, "See! I told you he was magic!"
** The comment section on the same article is full of stories about how nice and sweet Disney employees are, as well as experiences regular people had in brightening kids' lives. It's enough to bring tears to your eyes.
-->Once, there was this little wheelchair-bound girl whom I helped to the front of a line for Mickey's magic show. Once the show started, I went over to the merchandise cart and grabbed a Mickey plush, saying I needed it for "guest recovery." While the little girl's dad was holding her up to watch the show, I quickly stuck the Mickey sorcerer plush into her tiny little wheelchair. When he sat her back down, Mickey was waiting right there in the chair for her. The little girl saw it, then turned around to her dad and said, "See! I told you he was magic!"
** The comment section on the same article is full of stories about how nice and sweet Disney employees are, as well as experiences regular people had in brightening kids' lives. It's enough to bring tears to your eyes.
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*[[http://www.cracked.com/blog/a-beginners-guide-to-why-everything-will-be-ok/ This]] article. Not only is it the return of John Devore, but it's also manages to be sweet, pessimistic, optimistic, ridiculous, and hilarious all at once.
-->Everything is going to be OK. Never lose hope. Always hope. Hope doesn't mean things will actually turn out for the best. That's ridiculous. Hope is the only lie that's more important than all of the truths put together. You can never let it die. Regret is the carnivorous lizard-insect that grows inside hope's carcass.
-->A recent scientific study by scientists showed that human consciousness can exist for up to three minutes after the heart has stopped beating and brain function has ceased. Three whole minutes. Whisper the names of everyone who you love. Keep repeating that list for three minutes. What? You only love your dog? Because dogs are fur angels? Then whisper "Fonzi" over and over and over for three minutes.Say their names. Smile. Say their names again. Then gravity will surrender its hold and you'll fall up into lightless sky.
-->Everything is going to be OK. Never lose hope. Always hope. Hope doesn't mean things will actually turn out for the best. That's ridiculous. Hope is the only lie that's more important than all of the truths put together. You can never let it die. Regret is the carnivorous lizard-insect that grows inside hope's carcass.
-->A recent scientific study by scientists showed that human consciousness can exist for up to three minutes after the heart has stopped beating and brain function has ceased. Three whole minutes. Whisper the names of everyone who you love. Keep repeating that list for three minutes. What? You only love your dog? Because dogs are fur angels? Then whisper "Fonzi" over and over and over for three minutes.Say their names. Smile. Say their names again. Then gravity will surrender its hold and you'll fall up into lightless sky.
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Changed line(s) 92,93 (click to see context) from:
* [[http://www.cracked.com/article_21011_6-things-nobody-tells-you-about-working-at-disney-world_p2.html This.]] Even though it has plenty of plights, it's beautiful to see that all the employees believe that it is all worth it.
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** Near the end of the article, Wong mentions how John Cheese once (perhaps inadvertently) talked him out of suicide when they were in high school, and how circumstances have arranged themselves in such a way that now, Wong dedicates effort to banning griefers who comment on Cheese's articles telling him to kill himself. Wong himself may not see it that way, but the best word to describe such a thing in the English language would be "loyalty".
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* [[http://www.cracked.com/article_21011_6-things-nobody-tells-you-about-working-at-disney-world_p2.html This.]] Even though it has plenty of plights, it's beautiful to see that all the employees believe that it is all worth it.
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* The May 2000 issue opened to a cartoon by Mike Ricigliano, showing former ''Magazine/{{Mad}}'' artist Don Martin (who jumped ship to ''Cracked'' in the early 1990s) being told by St. Peter that "It's an honor to meet you. You've always been one of His favorite cartoonists. We consider you one of the truly great artists of the 20th century. Frankly, we could use a few laughs around here." Cue Don squirting St. Peter with a squirt flower.
* [[http://www.cracked.com/article_21011_6-things-nobody-tells-you-about-working-at-disney-world_p2.html This.]] Even though it has plenty of plights, it's beautiful to see that all the employees believe that it is all worth it.
* [[http://www.cracked.com/article_21011_6-things-nobody-tells-you-about-working-at-disney-world_p2.html This.]] Even though it has plenty of plights, it's beautiful to see that all the employees believe that it is all worth it.
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* The May 2000 issue opened to a cartoon by Mike Ricigliano, showing former ''Magazine/{{Mad}}'' artist Don Martin (who jumped ship to ''Cracked'' in the early 1990s) being told by St. Peter that "It's an honor to meet you. You've always been one of His favorite cartoonists. We consider you one of the truly great artists of the 20th century. Frankly, we could use a few laughs around here." Cue Don squirting St. Peter with a squirt flower.
* [[http://www.cracked.com/article_21011_6-things-nobody-tells-you-about-working-at-disney-world_p2.html This.]] Even though it has plenty of plights, it's beautiful to see that all the employees believe that it is all worth it.flower.
* [[http://www.cracked.com/article_21011_6-things-nobody-tells-you-about-working-at-disney-world_p2.html This.]] Even though it has plenty of plights, it's beautiful to see that all the employees believe that it is all worth it.
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* In [[http://www.cracked.com/quick-fixes/robin-williams-why-funny-people-kill-themselves/ his article about Robin Williams' suicide]], David Wong reveals to the audience that the Cracked message boards have a hidden section where the staff coordinate responses to users' suicide threats. According to him, John Cheese once [[BigDamnHeroes personally tracked down a users' location and got an ambulance dispatched to their house]] (doubles as an [[SugarWiki/AwesomeMoments Awesome Moment]] for Cheese).
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* In [[http://www.cracked.com/quick-fixes/robin-williams-why-funny-people-kill-themselves/ his article about Robin Williams' suicide]], David Wong reveals to the audience that the Cracked message boards have a hidden section where the staff coordinate responses to users' suicide threats. According to him, John Cheese once [[BigDamnHeroes personally tracked down a users' suicidal reader's location and got an ambulance dispatched to their house]] (doubles as an [[SugarWiki/AwesomeMoments Awesome Moment]] for Cheese).
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* In [[http://www.cracked.com/quick-fixes/robin-williams-why-funny-people-kill-themselves/ his article about Robin Williams' suicide]], David Wong reveals to the audience that the Cracked message boards have a hidden section where the staff coordinate responses to users' suicide threats. According to him, John Cheese once [[BigDamnHeroes personally tracked down a users' location and got an ambulance dispatched to their house]] (doubles as an [[SugarWiki/AwesomeMoments Awesome Moment]] for Cheese).
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* [[http://www.cracked.com/blog/4-reasons-world-has-never-been-better/ 4 Reasons the world has never been better.]]
