History Funny / ZeroPunctuation2

[[Funny/ZeroPunctuation Funny (Non-ZP)]] | [[Funny/ZeroPunctuation1 Zero Punctuation 1 (2007 - 2010)]] | '''Zero Punctuation 2 (2011 - 2013)''' | [[Funny/ZeroPunctuation3 Zero Punctuation 3 (2014 - 2016)]] | [[Funny/ZeroPunctuation4 Zero Punctuation 4 (2017 - 2019)]] | [[Funny/ZeroPunctuation5 Zero Punctuation 5 (2020)]] | [[Funny/ZeroPunctuation6 Zero Punctuation 6 (2021)]] | [[Funny/ZeroPunctuation7 Zero Punctuation 7 (2022 - )]]

"I don't see how I'm supposed to have any grasp of the relative enemy threat when we may or may not be packing armfuls of superweapons we forgot to mention. Like after the enemy base ram-raid, I'm told to pick off the stragglers with the robot sniper. Hold on a second, when did we set up a fucking robot sniper? What did we bring it here in? How did we set it up without the enemy noticing; did we disguise it as a badger-watching station? Incidentally, the Ghosts are well-fucking-equipped for a guerrilla unit. 'Oh, no, America has been attacked and is weakened and there's no defenses except an inexhaustible supply of tank battalions and an army of killer robots. And we would've had a doomsday satellite if the rest of the world hadn't gotten all weird about it!'

--> "Portal 1 was a big delicious jam doughnut with cream on top, and Portal 2 is a big Cornish pasty with chocolate in one half and shepard's pie in the other, and- LOOK AT ME DANCING AROUND THE ISSUE! '''DANCEY, DANCEY, LA-DI-DAH'''"

* "''Franchise/MassEffect'' brought us [[DiscountLesbians a race of all-female bisexuals]] who are culturally obliged to bang {{anything that moves}}, [[CovertPervert and you wonder why I prefer sci-fi these days.]]"

* "...this is the permanent mental state of most adult male nerds in any situation more sociable than jerking off with a hand-puppet. The UrExample of this subgenre, as in '[[IncrediblyLamePun Er]], what are you doing with that hand-puppet?' would be {{VideoGame/Ico}}, also known as I. C. O. if you're WRONG!"

-->[[IncrediblyLamePun "Railroading,]] [[RunningGag LOL."]]

-->'''Yahtzee:''' A bunch of poorly-dressed motherfuckers have a great big apocalyptic punch-up until only one survives, where upon aliens invade, so said survivor travels back in time - no, they don’t say how, put your arm down - and brings a warning to two [[ComicBook/{{Superman}} rodeo]] [[ComicBook/{{Batman}} clowns]] and [[ComicBook/WonderWoman a prostitute.]] Then he does a weird thing that bestows superpowers upon a whole bunch of random civies, his assumption perhaps being that if the entire world consists of poorly-dressed motherfuckers having a punch-up, [[ScrewThisImOuttaHere then perhaps the aliens will just get freaked out and quietly leave.]]

* [[invoked]] After being introduced as the town's new mayor, Yahtzee briefly goes into an amusingly strange aside about [[UnintentionalUncannyValley how unintentionally freaky]] [[StepfordSuburbia the whole town is]] and how suspicious the whole setup can come across as.

* And hilariously enough, despite actually giving the game a pretty positive review (well, at least [[AccentuateTheNegative all things considered]]), Yahtzee then goes on to state that he's ''not'' recommending the game because [[JustOneMoreLevel of how much it will consume your life once you start playing it]].

* "I guess they can't be hipsters after all, 'cause in that case the Cave would have granted them all [[AcceptableTargets a swift punch in the throat!]]"

* The revelation of one the characters being named "Edge" ("[[RebelLeader revolutionary leader]] and [[BlatantLies former U2 guitarist]]"), eventually leading to [[AcceptableTargets several hilarious jabs at Bono]].

--> "Don't you mean [[VideoGame/BioShock2 second sequel]], Yahtzee?" [{{beat}}] "'''[[FanonDiscontinuity GET OUT.]]'''"

--> I'd swoop down from on high, machine-gunning racists, then jump off and kick the last survivor off the ledge and feel like ''Errol [[PrecisionFStrike Fucking]] Flynn''. I was almost afraid of landing in case I got bounced away on balls like a couple of hairy ''Space Hoppers''.

* He describes the supporting cast as "all seem[ing] to be wearing digital clocks on their heads counting down to the point where they are [[StuffedIntoTheFridge unwillingly made a part of someone else's character development]]".

-->'''Yahtzee:''' The premise of ''New Leaf'' is that upon arriving at a randomly chosen coastal village of animal people, the locals welcome you as the new mayor they've been expecting, something you have no knowledge of but all the paperwork checks out and it even references you by name. Already I'm getting a creepy sort of Patrick [=McGoohan=] in ''Series/{{The Prisoner|1967}}'' vibe from all this! Like I'm going to wake up one night and find the koala man from two doors down standing at the foot of my bed maintaining unblinking eye contact ''[[SurpriseCreepy as he unhinges his jaw and swallows a live guinea pig]]!''

* When commenting on how the game [[ItsEasySoItSucks being too easy for what's ostensibly a "survival" title]]: "[[DoesThisRemindYouOfAnything I think you need to punish me some more, Survival Instinct]]." (Temptingly sticks his rear in the air while Survival Instinct [[NoodleImplements breaks out something that looks like]] [[WhipItGood a whip]], paddle and [[ZorroMark branding iron]] thrown in a blender) "[[TooKinkyToTorture I've been a VERY bad boy.]]"

* "[[ADateWithRosiePalms So this is why they call him]] [[JustForPun Han Solo!]]"

* He admits that he's simultaneously satisfied and ashamed of the XRayVision mechanic, just like how he feels after [[ADateWithRosiePalms jerking off]] to a Franchise/DisneyPrincess, with his AuthorAvatar looking at [[WesternAnimation/TheLittleMermaid1989 Ariel]] while [[CrossesTheLineTwice sniffing a fish]].

* "At this point there's only one thing I can do, [[ADateWithRosiePalms MASTURBA]]- [[VerbalBackspace I mean RETRO-REVIEW!]]" Apparently he uses [[ComicSutra a squeaky giraffe]] to do so.

-->'''Yahtzee:''' A bunch of poorly-dressed motherfuckers have a great big apocalyptic punch-up until only one survives, where upon aliens invade, so said survivor travels back in time - no, they don’t say how, put your arm down - and brings a warning to two [[ComicBook/{{Superman}} rodeo]] [[ComicBook/{{Batman}} clowns]] and [[ComicBook/WonderWoman a prostitute.]] Then he does a weird thing that bestows superpowers upon a whole bunch of random civies, his assumption perhaps being that if the entire world consists of poorly-dressed motherfuckers having a punch-up, [[ScrewThisImOutOfHere then perhaps the aliens will just get freaked out and quietly leave.]]

--> '''Yahtzee:''' "Finally, without wishing to [[{{Spoiler}} spoil]], [[WildMassGuessing the twists I came up with]] [[BetterThanCanon were WAY better than the ones the plot actually had]]. [[SuspiciouslySpecificDenial Not that I'm spoiling that there's a twist]]. Maybe the twist is that [[TheUnTwist there is no twist]], [[ParanoiaFuel you just don't know]]. [[SuspiciouslySpecificDenial Maybe the twist is that this review won't end two words from now]]." [{{Beat}}] "DOUBLE TWIST!" *holds up two pretzels*

Addenda

-->'''Yahtzee''': Specifics are kind of moot, though, 'cause I don't see what this game has over, say, [=SimCity=] 4, which is cheaper, and deeper, and available on a download service that doesn't make my hard drive dry heave. It's just the online features, ''la-dee-cunting-da''. "Oh, but ''everyone else'' seems to like them," has been the gist of EA and Maxis' company line on this issue. "It's not ''our'' fault you don't know how to have fun!" Listen to me, EA: not every introvert is longing for the day that [[Creator/ZooeyDeschanel Zooey Fucking Deschanel]] kicks their door down and forcibly drags them to a roller rink. I know how to have fun. It involves feeling like I'd achieved something with a sense of independence. It does not involve gangs of punks ''[portrayed by an imp]'' from some asshole's gambling town coming over to kick all my bus stops over.

** "Your enemies shall define you," went the marketing tagline, in which case, Batman, you are one ''dull fucking son of a bitch''".

--->"Because it's true, Batman has the best villains in the business because they all reflect an aspect of Batman: Two-Face reflects his [[BecomingTheMask duality]], Scarecrow, his use of fear and [[BatmanGambit psychological]] [[TheChessmaster tactics]], Poison Ivy, his...uh...shapely buttocks. But that whole element is lost with a D-list villain lineup. I don't know what the fuck Firefly's supposed to reflect unless Batman routinely overcooks his jacket potatoes. (''image of Batman in full batsuit and an apron watching an oven. Then the next slide of oven catching smoke, potatoes burning and Batman saying "FUCK" in either shock or frustration.'')

That's basically what playing ''Animal Crossing: New Leaf'' is like; a weird mix of [[BreadEggsMilkSquick entrapment, Sunday teatime banality and staring existential horror]], [[TakeThat not unlike daytime television]]. The higher part of your brain can see how utterly asinine the experience is, but it's just getting dragged along for the ride like a bunch of helium balloons tied to a wonky supermarket trolley! "[[SarcasmMode Sure, lower part of the brain]], a blue-tiled roof probably ''would'' solve all our constantly crushing sense of emptiness- ''[[SuddenlyShouting OH GOD, STOOOP]]!!!"''
** Some further details also deserve to be mentioned; Not only is [=Possessed!Yahtzee's=] first move after taking control of Yahtzee's body [[TooDumbToLive to punch]] a [[BearsAreBadNews bear]] and shout "[[SuicidalOverconfidence COME AND HAVE A GO]]", but [=Possessed!Yahtzee's=] attempt to undermine mankind consists of holding a press conference where they remark "...[[MissingStepsPlan AND THAT'S WHY I THINK]] [[SuicidePact WE SHOULD ALL KILL OURSELVES]]", and they also later shrug off "their" [[AllWomenAreLustful wife's amorous intentions]] with a dismissive "NOT NOW, MAVIS".
* [[invoked]] After being introduced as the town's new mayor, Yahtzee briefly goes into an amusingly bizarre aside about how unintentionally freaky the whole town is and how suspicious the whole setup can come across as.

* [[invoked]] Following the above, he positively compares ''Animal Crossing'' to the ''VideoGame/CookingMama'' games, [[RealMenWearPink which he turns out]] [[HiddenDepths to be a big fan of]]. While in and of itself that's just [[SugarWiki/HeartwarmingMoments kind of weirdly sweet and endearing]], Yahtzee's ''reasoning'' behind his love for ''Cooking Mama'' and the comparison he draws between it and ''Animal Crossing'' is just hilarious:

* And hilariously enough, despite actually giving the game a pretty positive review [[AccentuateTheNegative all things considered]], Yahtzee then goes on to state that he's ''not'' recommending the game because [[JustOneMoreLevel of how much it will consume your life once you start playing it]].

* Yahtzee then goes into elaborate detail about just how '''screamingly bad''' ''Ride to Hell'' is... then says [[SoBadItsGood that's the reason everybody should run out and buy it]].

--->'''Yahtzee:''' I'm just gonna spoil because ''fuck you'': in a climactic showdown, the evil gang leader [[TheUnreveal grandly reveals]] [[CaptainObvious that it was all because he didn't like Jake's dad much]]. ({{Beat}}) '''''That's''''' the mystery!? I assumed ''that'' much when he sent eleven-thousand murderers dressed like Music/GunsNRoses backup drummers!

-->'''Well-Dressed Biker:''' ''(addressing two other bikers knife-fighting on a table)'' Hoping to see some movement this quarter, guys.
* Yahtzee equating the game to a retarded child:
-->'''Yahtzee:''' It's a little retarded child with its head stuck in a cereal box and a massive great dump in its big boy pants going "I'm a real game now!" Of ''course'' you are, ''Ride To Hell''.

* And despite that sheer exasperation, the best part of the video is how freaking ''elated'' he sounds to review something so atrocious.
-->'''Yahtzee:''' ''Ride to Hell'' is the kind of bad that leaves me with a smile on my face.

* The metaphor for Microsoft lowering their standards due to the approaching end of the seventh console generation.

-->'''Yahtzee:''' ''Dark'' opens up with the protagonist [[LaserGuidedAmnesia waking up with no memory]] except that his name is "Eric Bane." Oh God, ''that's'' [[ThisIsGonnaSuck a demoralizing start, isn't it]]?! Realizing you sound like the pseudonym under which a struggling author [[ShoutOut writes]] [[Literature/ViridianSaga erotic Twilight knock-offs]]? ''(a poster for a romance novel suddenly appears titled "To Love a Shoggoth", with a muscular man on the cover who is embracing a young woman [[EyesDoNotBelongThere suddenly having eyes cover his body]] [[AmazingTechnicolorPopulation and his skin turn green]])''
* "Eric is informed that he is a vampire, because a vampire drank all his blood, but either they immediately forget about that particular rule ''(accompanied by a illustration of a story writer saying "Fuck it, that'll do!")'', or Eric creates about fifty more vampires during the course of every single combat section. Hey, I've got an idea - How about we play one of ''them?'' I wanna reroll my character, maybe one that didn't get snake-eyes for charisma!"
** It's also worth noting that when Yahtzee is complaining about how unlikable and non-charismatic Eric is, he depicts the fact that he "rolled a character with snake eyes for charisma" [[TakeThat as having the face of]] Creator/AndrewLloydWebber.
* Yahtzee mocking the game's badly written {{Dialogue Tree}}s by applying one to a conversation someone would have at a party. Made even funnier by how the person Yahtzee's talking to at the party is getting more and more visibly disturbed as Yahtzee continues to go on his bizarre tangents all while creepily staring at him.

-->'''Yahtzee:''' ''(while talking in a cutesy voice and with a flower in his hat)'' Now when you're ready, I want you to press this button. (Imp misses the button) Okay, that was slightly to the ''left'' of the button, but keep trying, you're doing ''ever'' so well!

--->'''Yahtzee:''' ''(while wearing CoolShades and a [[HellBentForLeather leather jacket]])'' Oh, look at ''this'' wee-man, thinks he can roll with us. Maybe if you ''ate this entire live crab right now.'' '''While I'm hitting you.''' '''''[[SerialEscalation With the crab!]]'''''

--->'''Yahtzee:''' ''[in a burly voice]'' Are you the kind of hurly-burly power-armour marine that can save the planet from the giant death crabs from space? Well, prove it, ''[[MundaneMadeAwesome by pressing this button]].'' Now, when you feel up to it, shoot that monster that we tied to a stake and put a giant glowing arrow over. You know what, never mind, I'll do it.

** [[MakesJustAsMuchSenseInContext And Yahtzee, tossing hamsters into the same.]]

* From the end credits: "The last time I threw a bunch of vegetables around, [[CrossesTheLineTwice I got fired from my job at the coma ward]]."

[[folder:Saints Row 4]]

--> '''Yahtzee''': If you're gonna call a horror adventure game "Amnesia", you might as well call a first-person shooter "Bullets".

--> '''Yahtzee''': If you need some kind of primer on the first Amnesia game, put on a blindfold and ''shit yourself''. That'll about bring you up to speed.

--> '''Yahtzee''': Don't worry about the plot [of The Dark Descent], because the new one's largely unconnected, besides the fact that its ''basically the same plot'': You are a very British man, who wakes up alone in a spooky mansion with the eponymous headfart, and must make his way down to an increasingly scary environment, gradually piecing together why its gone all scary and how involved you were in the process, and I'll put down a spoiler warning here in case you work in the paint-tasting factory, but the answer is... '''A lot'''.

* Briefly calling the game 'A Sausage For Breakfast.'

--> '''Yahtzee''': Like the previous Amnesia, if you don't find all the text documents and shit, you might feel a bit ''in the dark'' on what the fuck's going on, as well as ''in the dark generally''.
* His final words regarding why ''The Dark Descent'' was more effective than ''A Machine For Pigs:''
--> '''Yahtzee''': Being hunted through a tunnel by something that's going to pull my twat out through my nose if it finds me, now that is horror I can get a sense of. The sense is ''smell'', ''and the smell is'' '''''piss'''''.

-->'''Bystander''': So, three souls, then? ''Four'' souls, dare we dream!? ''[cue a guy holding three imp balloons before they increase by one]''
** Eventually, Yahtzee gives up on saying ''Beyond: Two Souls'', [[RunningGag and instead gives an increasingly hectic list of alternate titles]], all revolving around having Creator/ElliotPage[[note]]was known as Ellen Page at the time of the series, which took place before his transition[[/note]] somewhere in them[[note]] consisting of "The Ellen Page Variety Hour," "Ellen Page-apalooza," "The Ellen Page-David Cage Rage Gauge," and "[[Music/TheSmashingPumpkins Despite Ellen Page, I Am Still Just A Rat In A Cage]]"[[/note]].

** Yahtzee then recaps ''VideoGame/HeavyRain'' (of which ''Beyond: Two Souls'' is a SpiritualSuccessor to) by describing it as a game that "...switched between ridiculously high-octane [[PressXToNotDie Quick Time Event]] scenes ''[scene cuts to a panicked guy in a car driving into an imp riding a bike, with the words "Press X to in Some Way Resolve This Situation" floating above them both]'' and prolonged sequences of someone bumbling around their house, looking for objects and surfaces to momentarily rest their gonads on - [[JustForFun/XMeetsY Like if someone intercut]] ''VideoGame/DragonsLair'' with [[SelfDeprecation security footage from my living room on the morning of a major deadline]]."

--> '''Yahtzee''': Anyway, [Elliot's character] is very sad her whole life because [[CursedWithAwesome there's an invisible ghost following her around who kills everyone she doesn't like]]. '''Fucking suck it up, Ellen Page!''' Some of us had to make do with rat poison growing up!
* When complaining that Creator/ElliotPage's character [[HystericalWoman spends half the game sounding like she's about to cry]], [[InelegantBlubbering and the other half actually crying]], Yahtzee realizes that [[{{Wangst}} most of the other characters also spend their time crying]], and thinks that their collected tears could irrigate the entire Sahara Desert.
** Although he admits it would be HypocriticalHumor to mock the UnintentionalUncannyValley of the facial expressions (seeing as how, [[TechnologyMarchesOn as little as a decade ago, people were lucky if video game characters even moved their mouths when they said their lines]]), he still can't ignore the {{Narm}} of "...Whenever someone's supposed to be at the limits of screaming emotion in this game, they look more like they're concentrating really hard... [[SpecialEffectFailure on trying to do a horse impression]]." And ''that'' is depicted by a character going "Neeeeigh!" with a weird face, causing Yahtzee to do a DoubleTake.

* Yahtzee calling the game's two-player mode [[note]]basically the regular game but with Jodie and Aiden (the latter portrayed by an imp) controlled by separate players[[/note]] the most retarded attempt at a token multiplayer mode he's seen since "The Amazing Back-Titted Woman". Cue Yahtzee staring wide-eyed at a bar at a woman with breasts on both sides of her body amiably chatting with an imp.

* He then goes on to criticize the schizophrenic MoodWhiplash of the game's story ([[InformedAttribute which is from a company and director ostensibly about pushing new and creative means of video game story-telling]]), claiming how at one point the story is about [[HomelessHero how Jodie is forced to see the grim realities of homelessness in the modern world]], [[GilliganCut and in the next is about]] [[MagicalNativeAmerican her using spirit magic to fight]] [[Myth/NativeAmericanMythology Native American demons]].
** With a pair of [[HilariousInHindsight hunky boys]].

--> "I don’t won’t to spoil much, because my magic crystal ball tells me I’m gonna recommend this game, but a turning point comes when Walker and the player unwittingly do a bad thing. I felt like shit afterwards, like I’d played the ''[[VideoGame/CallOfDutyModernWarfare2 Modern Warfare 2]]'' airport scene with every civilian replaced with [[WesternAnimation/{{Bambi}} Bambi’s mum.]]

* He complains that while this game is rife with {{Player punch}}es they come across as rather anvilicious with a bit of ButThouMust.

** Eventually, Yahtzee gives up on saying ''Beyond: Two Souls'', [[RunningGag and instead gives]] [[GenreTitleGrabBag an increasingly hectic list of alternate titles, all revolving around having]] Creator/ElliotPage somewhere in them[[note]] consisting of "The Ellen Page Variety Hour," "Ellen Page-apalooza," "The Ellen Page-David Cage Rage Gauge," and "[[Music/TheSmashingPumpkins Despite Ellen Page, I Am Still Just A Rat In A Cage]]"[[/note]].

-->'''Yahtzee''': Specifics are kind of moot, though, 'cause I don't see what this game has over, say, SimCity 4, which is cheaper, and deeper, and available on a download service that doesn't make my hard drive dry heave. It's just the online features, ''la-dee-cunting-da''. "Oh, but ''everyone else'' seems to like them," has been the gist of EA and Maxis' company line on this issue. "It's not ''our'' fault you don't know how to have fun!" Listen to me, EA: not every introvert is longing for the day that [[Creator/ZooeyDeschanel Zooey Fucking Deschanel]] kicks their door down and forcibly drags them to a roller rink. I know how to have fun. It involves feeling like I'd achieved something with a sense of independence. It does not involve gangs of punks ''[portrayed by an imp]'' from some asshole's gambling town coming over to kick all my bus stops over.

** [[HilariousInHindsight Yahtzee wrote a book about jam causing the apocalypse.]]

* "...Franchise/AssassinsCreed isn't a series of games anymore, Franchise/AssassinsCreed is [[CashCowFranchise a fucking line graph]]! The line [[ContestedSequel went down a bit for Ass-Creed 3]], but [[SurprisinglyImprovedSequel now it's gone up again]], and [[EvenBetterSequel maybe it'll keep going up in the next one]], or maybe [[{{Sequelitis}} it'll take another plunge]]. What I ''do'' know is that this line graph is being drawn on what appears to be [[{{Sequelitis}} a depressingly long sheet of paper]], - at the end of which is {{Creator/Ubisoft}} [[OverlyLongGag and I do not like the look of that stapler it's holding!]]"