History Funny / TheElderScrollsVSkyrim

** When you talk to Clavicus Vile, you have three dialogue options: one saying you simply want to return Barbas to him, one saying you want to end the civil war, and one saying you want power. If you pick the second, he replies that if he were at full power, he'd simply snap his fingers and [[KillEmAll everyone in Skyrim would die]]. If you pick the third, he retorts that "you already have more power than most people who aren't immense fire-breathing monsters."

* Brelyna Maryon from the [[WizardingSchool College of Winterhold]] will ask the Dragonborn to help her practice some new spells she's been working on. In the process she accidentally ends up [[InterfaceScrew tinting the viewpoint green]] and [[BalefulPolymorph transforming the player into various farm animals]] before figuring out how to revert everything to normal. Afterwards, she thanks the Dragonborn for their patience and both agree [[LetUsNeverSpeakOfThisAgain never to speak of the experience again]].

** Speaking of thugs being hired to kill you, the mechanics of this means anyone who the player can steal from can take a contract out on you. It doesn't matter if it's a random bandit or some kid; steal from someone and they ''will'' send assassins after you.

* Cindiri Arano, the wife of Raven Rock's second councilor, gives you a quest to retrieve a valuable family heirloom from a shipwreck. This "valuable heirloom" turns out to be a signed copy of ''The Lusty Argonian Maid'' complete with a hand-written dedication from the author.

* The fact that your character's combat statistics display the number of "bunnies slaughtered".

* During Innocence lost, before you report to Aventus Aretino about Grelod's death, you can attack Aventus for a bounty and this little easter egg gem.
-->'''Aventus Aretino:''': Wait! that's not how this is supposed to work!\\
'''Dragonborn:''' (Likely) Sorry, I'm new to this.

* One of the random conversations you can overhear in the Thieves' Guild has Vex yelling at Delvin that the ship they hit was worthless. Delvin protests he was sure he overheard someone say it was a shipment of furs and should be worth a lot. Vex snaps that the individual in question said [[HollywoodSpelling "firs", not "furs"]] -- it was a shipment of lumber.

-->'''Wizard:''' It's working! I'm flying! I'M REALLY FLYING!! HAHAHAHAHA!! ''[starts to rapidly descend to Soltsheim]'' [[OhCrap What?! OH!]] '''[[FamousLastWords OH NO!!]]'''

-->'''Wizard:''' It's working! I'm flying! I'M REALLY FLYING!! HAHAHA!! [[OhCrap What?! OH!]] '''[[FamousLastWords OH NO!!]]'''

* The quest "A Night To Remember". It starts off with a drinking contest with a guy named Sam Guevenne (a.k.a. [[spoiler:Sanguine]]). Next thing you know, you wake up in a temple on the other side of the world map, having trashed the place and molested the holy statuary (it ''is'' a temple to the goddess of love and beauty) while ranting about marriage and a goat, according to the priestess yelling at you. You must retrace your steps from there (after cleaning the temple), likely causing more mayhem along the way.
** Oh, and the player's fiancée? [[spoiler:A ''hagraven''.]] Even better: [[spoiler:This specific part doesn't change even if the player is female.]]
** It's also possible that you stole a wedding ring from Ysolda, who is a candidate for marriage. Meaning you may have stolen your own wife's wedding ring to give to another woman. And her dialogue doesn't change if this is the case. You were so eloquent in your drunken declarations of love for [[spoiler: a hagraven]] that [[IWantMyBelovedToBeHappy Ysolda is perfectly willing to step aside and let you two kids be happy together.]]

* During the quest where the player has to track down Esbern [[spoiler:to his hideout in Riften's sewers]], the player finds him and convinces him that they are a friend of a friend, so he unlocks the door he was speaking behind. It takes about [[OverlyLongGag ten different locks]] before the door opens, and after looking inside the player can see each one (and about three or four sturdy chains keeping the door shut). Granted, he is ProperlyParanoid all things considered, but that doesn't make it any less funny.
* After you beat Alduin, if you go back to Delphine, she lampshades [[spoiler:you riding off to the final battle on the back of Odahviing, a dragon who just turned traitor]].
-->'''Delphine''': I heard you left Whiterun [[spoiler:on the back of a dragon]]; even for you, that's a bit flashy.

* In "The Fallen," [[spoiler:when you actually catch Odahviing in Dragonsreach and don't immediately agree to let him go so he can take you to the final dungeon, mild {{hilarity ensues}}. Farengar, the court wizard, will come out and try to take "samples" from Odahviing. Cue him spewing fire into the sky in rage and Farengar running like a dog with his tail between his legs back into the palace. You can watch the whole thing [[https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZOFbnAglIV8 here]].]]

** Farengar explains to [[spoiler:Odahviing]] that he wants to perform a few tests, [[ForScience all purely in the interests of the advancement of knowledge]]. When Farengar is done talking, [[spoiler:Odahviing]] first turns to you with an expression that screams: "Is this guy serious?" and only then turns back to Farengar to rebuke him.
** In the same quest, after you Shout for [[spoiler:Odahviing]], there is a moment of tense silence before [[spoiler:the sound of flapping wings can be heard. A guard standing on the porch murmurs "Did you hear that?" It takes about two seconds for him to literally vanish from the frame - Odahviing swoops down and ''snatches him out of his shield''.]] The sheer suddenness makes it absolutely hilarious. If this happens and you are able to keep your sights on [[spoiler:Odahviing]] long enough, you'll see that he [[spoiler: snatched the guard not to eat him, but rather to [[FoeTossingCharge fling him into the air]]]].
** If you're very, very lucky and have perfect timing, you can speak to the guard before he gets snatched, and he'll spout one of the standard-issue guard lines. One of them can be the "I used to be an adventurer like you...." line, but [[spoiler: Odahviing will snatch him up before he finishes.]]

** At the start of the quest, Balgruuf's [[DoubleTake reaction]] when the Dragonborn cheerfully asks to use Dragonsreach to [[spoiler: capture Odahviing]]. Even after reluctantly agreeing to the Dragonborn's "mad dragon-trapping scheme", he still seems unsure whether the Dragonborn is [[CloudCuckoolander utterly bonkers]], CrazyIsCool, or ''both?!''
--->'''Dragonborn:''' I need your help. I need to trap a dragon in your palace.
--->'''Balgruuf:''' I... must have misheard you. I thought you asked me to help you trap a ''dragon'' in my palace.

* Right before you exit the Labyrinthian dungeon with the Staff of Magnus, a lone Thalmor mage tries to kill you [[spoiler:to prevent you from interfering with Ancano.]] He arrogantly boasts that you have no chance of beating him. This, after you have fought your way through a dungeon full of Draugr, skeletons, a skeletal dragon, and a ''dragon priest''. [[CurbStompBattle It takes about two seconds to kill him.]]

* As you near completion of the Forbidden Legend quest to reform the Gauldur Amulet and defeat the Archmage's three patricidal sons in a BossRush, the three prepare their weapons as if to attack you all at once... only for [[spoiler:the three of them to turn around as Gauldur himself rises from the grave. Their next line sums it up.]]
-->''"[[spoiler:[[OhCrap Gauldur!]]]]"''
* Farkas, the big [[spoiler:werewolf]] guy you're paired up with in the companion quests? The one who, according to Skjor, has the strength of Ysgramor? [[spoiler: He later tells you he can't go on through the rest of a tomb because there are spiders ahead, and ever since you and he went through Dustman's Cairn, he's been terrified of spiders.]] And then, even later, you can bring him back to the tomb to get his condition cured, and he'll basically admit that it was a really lame excuse.

* Time the quests right, and you can get Esbern to state emphatically that until you [[spoiler:kill Parthunaax]], he and the Blades will give you ''no aid at all'' in a tone that brooks no argument. Then ask him how to [[spoiler:trap Odahviing]], and he will cheerfully tell you anything you want to know with nary a quibble.
* When you get to the portal to [[spoiler:Sovngarde]], you'll likely have just learned the first word of Storm Call, the most powerful Shout in the game. You see a Dragon Priest, one of the toughest bosses in the game. You'll likely try to use Storm Call on him... and in the process, provoke the two dragons perched nearby, making the situation even more difficult.
* A funny case of possibly accidental DidYouJustScamCthulhu towards the Daedric Princes. If you decide to [[spoiler:become a werewolf during the Companions questline]], you'll technically condemn yourself to hunting with Hircine in his realm after you die for all time. If you get far enough in the Thieves' Guild questline, you'll have to swear yourself to eternal service with Nocturnal. If you do both with one character, you just guaranteed two {{Eldritch Abomination}}s are going to end up fighting over ownership of an immortal dragon soul upon your death (dragons being the children/physical manifestations/servants of Akatosh, just to add to the hilarity). Take into consideration that, according to Sheogorath in the ''Shivering Isles'' expansion, the Princes occasionally have little get-togethers, and the potential for "mommy and daddy are fighting again" jokes becomes endless. It gets better: According to the Spectral Assassin, if you join the Dark Brotherhood, you are meant to serve Sithis after your death; and according to Tsun, Guardian of the bridge to the Hall of Valor, you will be welcome in Sovngarde... And last but not least, Hermaeus Mora ''also'' lays a claim on your soul in ''Dragonborn''. And pray to the Nine that the Dragonborn isn't also an Orc, otherwise Malacath also gets involved. John Constantine has nothing on the Dragonborn.

* The ending of the quest "Siege on the Dragon Cult". Remember Captain Valmir, the Stormcloak/Imperial spy who told you to get Rahgot's mask for your army? [[spoiler:When you return with the mask in tow, you find Valmir... dressed in enemy colors and giving an enemy soldier ''the exact same speech he gave you''. When you, understandably confused, walk up to the pair, Valmir says, "Oh, uh, I can explain..." and then he snaps and attacks you, backed by the equally confused soldier. As it turns out, Valmir was a Thalmor agent, using disguises to fool both armies into giving him the mask.]]

-->"Have you seen Mirabelle? [[spoiler:I know she's dead,]] but I thought she might still stop by and say hello."

* If you take Delvin the [[spoiler:Elder Council Amulet under Astrid's orders]] before joining the Thieves' Guild, he'll start the conversation super-ominous and serious, at which point your character states they're with the Dark Brotherhood, causing him to instantly backpedal in a rather amusing fashion.

* The fact that, during the Thieves' Guild quests, on [[spoiler:Mercer's desk in his house]] you can find a copy of ''The Lusty Argonian Maid''. Seems he was keeping himself busy...

* When you first meet Isran, try asking him what he plans to do about the vampires. He will note that he needs to fix up the fort, since a vampire could walk right in the front door as it stands. This becomes darkly hilarious if the player ends up joining the vampires or [[FailedASpotCheck is already a vampire]]. Also a BrickJoke, since it's exactly what [[spoiler:Serana]] ends up doing later if you side with the Dawnguard.

** Take her to [[spoiler:Kodlak's funeral. The powerful and noble warrior lies dead atop the Skyforge, which will serve as his funeral pyre. In the middle of his eulogy, Serana walks up to the forge, starts stoking it, and then hammering out a piece of steel.]] Apparently, that sword had to be made ''right now''.

* Cindiri Arano, the wife of Raven Rock's second councilor, gives you a quest to retrieve a valuable family heirloom from a shipwreck. This "valuable heirloom" turns out to be [[spoiler:a signed copy of ''The Lusty Argonian Maid'' complete with a hand-written dedication from the author]].

** Even better: the courier can nonchalantly deliver you a letter ''while you're fighting [[spoiler:Odahviing on the great porch]]!''
** More funny bugs relates to the Letter from a Friend they often deliver. They may mention that you caused quite a stir in places like [[EldritchLocation Apocrypha]], where the only thing around are {{Eldritch Abomination}}s. Additionally, if you explore an area that has a Word Wall but don't get the word, you may get a letter saying you caused quite the stir in (place), and then advising you to look in that same place for a word of power.

* A free tip for anyone hoping to preserve a sense of gravitas during the climax of the civil war questline - when taking Windhelm, don't use the ol' Fus Ro Dah during the final encounter with Ulfric. It's kinda hard for your opponent to die with dignity when his FamousLastWords are muffled from lying in a crumbled heap face-down on the floor with his ass sticking up in the air. But it adds irony!

** At the start of the quest, Balgruuf's [[DoubleTake reaction]] when the Dragonborn cheerfully asks to use Dragonsreach to [[spoiler: capture Odahviing]]. Even after reluctantly agreeing to the Dragonborn's "mad dragon-trapping scheme", he still seems unsure whether the Dragonborn is [[CloudCuckoolander utterly bonkers]], CrazyAwesome, or ''both?!''

* If you're a strong mage, you may get challenged to a duel. Your follower or other bystanders, however, might not like this idea and decide to get involved, which the challenger isn't happy about. "This is supposed to be a one-on-one duel!" And if anyone decides "to heck with magic" and starts swinging at the guy with a sword, the challenger complains, "This is supposed to be a ''magic'' duel! ''Ma''-''gic''! Y'know, with ''spells''?" He just sounds so ''pouty'' about the whole thing. It's also funny if he decides to challenge you in certain locations, such as the entry to Whiterun, where all the guards promptly [[RealityEnsues attack the guy who just started throwing fireballs around.]] Becomes hilarious if this happens just after becoming TheArchmage of the College of Winterhold, when you can be challenged to the duel right in the middle of the bridge of the College. One CurbStompBattle later, the challenger will likely be flying off the bridge with a fireball in the gut, having just [[{{Pun}} been taken to school]].

---> "''[[BadassFamily Go, my children!]] [[ItRunsInTheFamily Fight my battles!]] [[InfantImmortality Remember, you cannot die!]]''"

* An unintentional one: in French, "Fus Ro Dah" can easily be {{Mondegreen}}ed as "Pousse toi d'la", which means... "Get out of the way."

*** Note that during this mission, Grelod the Kind has literally ''one'' hitpoint. [[CherryTapping Anything that deals damage will instantly kill her]]. This includes throwing things at her, smacking her with a wooden sword, stabbing her with a fork, dropping an object on her, and punching her. Bonus points for punching her, because this will almost always trigger an unarmed killing move, which means a tiny Breton mage or a lithe Khajiit thief will suddenly [[WrestlerInAllOfUs pick up an old woman and body slam or German suplex her into the floor!]] Also bear in mind that during this mission, she is out in the open giving a scathing speech to all the orphans about how they're all worthless and will never be adopted. Should you choose to kill her during this speech, you could be responsible for an... interesting event such as a Khajiit running up to Grelod mid-speech, picking her up, and ''slamming'' her into the floor face first, killing her instantly, before fleeing out the back door. And yes, they still cheer.