History Funny / TheElderScrollsVSkyrim

* Some of the guards' comments about what weapon/armor you're wielding are quite humorous. For example, if you're wielding [[DropTheHammer Volendrung]]:

* If you're a strong mage, you may get challenged to a duel. Your follower or other bystanders, however, might not like this idea and decide to get involved, which the challenger isn't happy about. "This is supposed to be a one-on-one duel!" And if anyone decides "to heck with magic" and starts swinging at the guy with a sword, the challenger complains, "This is supposed to be a ''magic'' duel! ''Ma''-''gic''! Y'know, with ''spells''?" He just sounds so ''pouty'' about the whole thing. It's also funny if he decides to challenge you in certain locations, such as the entry to Whiterun, where all the guards promptly [[SurprisinglyRealisticOutcome attack the guy who just started throwing fireballs around.]] Becomes hilarious if this happens just after becoming TheArchmage of the College of Winterhold, when you can be challenged to the duel right in the middle of the bridge of the College. One CurbStompBattle later, the challenger will likely be flying off the bridge with a fireball in the gut, having just [[{{Pun}} been taken to school]].

*** [[JustForPun Wanna mix a pinch of]] FridgeHorror [[JustForPun to that serving?]] If a player meets with [[http://www.uesp.net/wiki/Skyrim:Balbus Balbus]] either during or after the quest, and still have the Writ of Passage in their possession (ergo, proof that you are The Gourmet), he'll gladly give you a few ingredients "so that you may create another masterpiece". Said ingredients are a bowl of Troll Fat, one spider egg, and the heart of a daedra. So yeah, those options back in the Emperor's kitchen? They weren't far-fetched ''at all''...!

* When you get to Ivarstead, talking to the local bartender will get you warned not to go to Shroud Hearth Barrow as people have been seeing phantoms there and an adventurer, Wyndelius Gatharian, had gone missing there a year earlier. Being a player character you go, and encounter a spectral man who warns you to leave. A short dungeon and some traps later, you confront Wyndelius Gatharian, and discover that your weapons, spells and poisons seem to be working just fine on this "phantom". After he's dead, you can read his journal. Wyndelius had come to Shroud Hearth Barrow in search of the Sapphire Dragon Claw, which would open up a chamber allowing him to find a great treasure. He decided to cook up the phantom ruse to keep any of the local yokels from interfering (using a potion to make himself look all shimmery and phantasmal) but after a year of desperately searching the Barrow up and down for the Claw and finding bupkis, he started to go nuts and believe he really ''was'' the spectral guardian of the barrows. And he would've gotten away with it if it wasn't for you, rotten kid. Okay, actually, he would've been stuck in there forever regardless, but no one would've known. Oh, and the kicker? When you bring evidence of Wyndelius's deeds to the bartender, he says he can't believe everyone in town was tricked and that you deserve a reward. The reward? The Sapphire Dragon Claw. Yes, he had it all along, and would probably have given it to Wyndelius if he'd only asked about it.

-->''[[ScaryLibrarian Urag]] has asked me to remind everyone to please return materials borrowed from the Arcanaeum in the same condition as you received them. If this is impossible due to misuse or accident, Urag recommends finding a replacement copy to deliver to the Arcanaeum. Failure to do so will result in paying, in Urag's words, "a blood price." I did not ask him to elaborate on that point.''[[note]]For the unfamiliar, a "blood price" is an Orcish tradition in which a criminal either pays a wrong party a certain amount of goods, or bleeds until they're satisfied. Considering Urag is a ScaryLibrarian whose BerserkButton is damaging books, the implications are [[BlackComedy grimly funny]].[[/note]
-->''While Drevis appreciates the spellcasting skill that went into somehow cramming several hundred apples into his pillow... He would ask that it please not happen again. He has suggested that, should he find out who is responsible, [[ImpliedDeathThreat he is well versed in making things disappear permanently]].''

-->''Urag has asked me to remind everyone to please return materials borrowed from the Arcanaeum in the same condition as you received them. If this is impossible due to misuse or accident, Urag recommends finding a replacement copy to deliver to the Arcanaeum. Failure to do so will result in paying, in Urag's words, "a blood price." I did not ask him to elaborate on that point.''
-->''While Drevis appreciates the spellcasting skill that went into somehow cramming several hundred apples into his pillow... He would ask that it please not happen again. He has suggested that, should he find out who is responsible, he is well versed in making things disappear permanently.''

-->'''Fihada''': [[SarcasmMode But, of course! Will you also be needing the bow that shoots rainbows? Or the quiver that dispenses beer?]]

* This famous case of CloningBlues: Meet the [[https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yMY9stsFu84 Louis Letrush Brothers]].

* In the "Netch Leather Armor" addon

* The story behind one of the inns, The Retching Netch, is pretty funny and you even get to make comments during it. To summarize: the bartender witnessed one of his regular patrons stumbling around [[NakedPeopleAreFunny naked]] and [[AlcoholInducedIdiocy holding a bottle of alcohol]]. A netch -- a giant flying animal resembling a cross between a cow and a jellyfish -- idly drifts by. The drunk cheerfully tells the netch to "have a drink!" while throwing the bottle at it. The bartender was surprised to see the bottle never hit the ground... because the netch absorbed it, [[CantHoldHisLiquor immediately started flying lopsided]], and soon [[VomitDiscretionShot hurled... SOMETHING... all over the drunk]].

* The story behind one of the inns, The Retching Netch, is pretty funny and you even get to make comments during it.

** Pretty much anything said by the members of the Dark Brotherhood when you first meet them, such as [[DeliberatelyCuteChild Babette]] retelling how she killed her last mark (who was apparently a pedophile) or her comment on Arnbjorn's contract on a Khajiit Monk, who apparently considered the mark challenging (or annoying) enough to use his werewolf form to kill them.

** Pretty much anything said by the members of the Dark Brotherhood when you first meet them, such as [[DeliberatelyCuteChild Babette]] retelling how she killed her last mark (who was apparently a pedophile) or her comment on Arnbjorn's contract on a Khajiit Monk.