History Creator / MitchHedberg

->''"[[TheAlcoholic Alcoholism]] is a disease, but [[AcceptableTargets it's the only one you can get yelled at for having]]. 'Goddamn it Otto, you are an alcoholic.' 'Goddamn it Otto, you have Lupus.' One of those two doesn’t sound right."''

->''"I was standing in the lobby of this hotel just minding my own business, and this guy came up to me and said, 'Sir, could you please move? You're blocking the fire exit.' As though if there was a fire, I wasn't going to run. If you're flammable and have legs, you are never blocking a fire exit. You can write that down and put a dash in front of it... and put my name at the bottom."''

* AcCENTUponTheWrongSylLABle: Was sometimes guilty of a variant-- he would stress the wrong word in a given sentence, for no apparent reason other than his quirkiness. It was just the way he talked:
-->"I don't need a receipt for the doughnut! We do not need to bring ink and paper into ''this.''"\\

"If you are flammable and have legs, you are never blocking a fire ''exit.''"\\

"I am not addicted to gambling although I am addicted to sitting in a semi-''circle''."

-->"The only problem with having a distinctive laugh is that I know exactly when you're ''not'' laughing. 'Oh! Distinctive Laugh doesn't think that joke was funny!' "
* BearsAreBadNews:

* CallBack: The audience at his Comedy Central Presents special seem to have been primarily made up of people that were unfamiliar with Mitch's act. Because of this, it took a while for the audience to warm up to him and laugh in understanding of his material. By the end, the crowd was more engaged, so Mitch continued to tell jokes for editing reasons just thinking of whatever jokes came to mind.

* IWasToldThereWouldBeCake: "Don’t bring the cake-eater over here anymore. He smells like flour. Did you notice how his eyes widened when he found out your birthday was fast approaching?"

"If you are flammable and have legs, you are never blocking a fire ''exit.''"

* ViewersAreGeniuses: "I once bumped into a guy; he had on a hat, a nose ring, an eyebrow ring, a goatee, a tongue ring, and 3 earrings. He said, 'Hey, man, you have a lot of nerve!' And then I said 'Hey, man, you have a lot of ... [[SureLetsGoWithThat cranial accessories]]. ''[laughter]'' You guys are a smart crowd. When I do the dumber crowds, I have to say, 'Hey, man, you have a lot of ''shit on your head''.'"

--> Advil has a candy coating; it's delicious. And it says on the package, "Do not take more than two a day." Well, then, don't put a candy coating around it! I can't help myself!\\

* ScrewTheRulesIMakeThem: It was up to Mitch how many bedrooms his house actually had, even if one of them was in that guy's house.[[note]]Don't decorate it![/note]]

-->"I don't need a receipt for a doughnut. I'll just give you the money, and you give me the doughnut. End of transaction! We don't need to bring ink and paper into this! I can't imagine a scenario where I'd have to prove that I bought a doughnut. Some skeptical friend...'Don't even act like I didn't buy that doughnut! I've got the documentation right here! Oh, wait, it's at home. In the file. Under d...for doughnut.'"

-->"I don't need a receipt for a doughnut. I'll just give you the money, and you give me the doughnut. End of transaction! We don't need to bring ink and paper into this! I can't imagine a scenario where I'd have to prove that I bought a doughnut. Some skeptical friend...'Don't even act like I didn't buy that doughnut! I've got the documentation right here!'"

** It did carry over a bit when he did smaller gigs. Heck, even his wife had the tic when she headlined for him.

* {{Dissimile}}: "With a stop light, green means 'Go' and yellow means 'Slow down'. With a banana, however, it is quite the opposite. Yellow means 'Go', green means 'Whoa, slow down', and red means 'Where the fuck did you get that banana!?'"
* ExactlyWhatItSaysOnTheTin: "I'd like to see a forklift lift a crate of forks. It'd be so damn ''literal''!"

I was standing in the lobby of this hotel just minding my own business, and this guy came up to me and said, "Sir, could you please move? You're blocking the fire exit." As though if there was a fire, I wasn't going to ''run''. If you are flammable and have legs, you are never "blocking" a fire exit. Unless you're a table.

-->''Hey man, you know that story about that woman that drove her and her kids into a river?''\\
''Yeah?''\\
''Well, it ''inspired'' me to write a story about a gorilla.''
* VerbalTic: in his first CD, he had a tendency to say "Alright..." after jokes. He didn't do it as much in later shows.

* ViewersAreGeniuses: "I once bumped into a guy; he had on a hat, a nose ring, an eyebrow ring, a goatee, a tongue ring, and 3 earrings. He said, 'Hey, man, you have a lot of nerve!' And then I said 'Hey, man, you have a lot of ... [[SureLetsGoWithThat cranial accessories]]. ''[laughter]'' You guys are a smart crowd. When I do the dumber crowds, I have to say, 'Hey, man, you have a lot of '''shit on your head'''.'"

* ViewersAreGeniuses:
-->''"I once bumped into a guy; he had on a hat, a nose ring, an eyebrow ring, a goatee, a tongue ring, and 3 earrings. He said, 'Hey, man, you have a lot of nerve!' And then I said 'Hey, man, you have a lot of ... [[SureLetsGoWithThat cranial accessories]].'"'' (Crowd laughs) ''"You guys are a smart crowd. When I do the dumber crowds, I have to say, "Hey, man, you have a lot of '''shit on your head'''."''

* FourEqualPaymentsOf: "They say this product is available for four easy payments. I'd like to see one with three easy payments and one fucking complicated payment... We're not telling you which one, but one of these payments is going to be a ''bitch''. The mailman will get shot to death, the envelope will not seal, and the stamp will be in the wrong denomination. Good luck, fucker!"

--> Advil has a candy coating; it's delicious. And it says on the packet, "do not take more than two a day." Well, then, don't put a candy coating around it! I can't help myself!

--> I saw a commercial for a piece of technology which said "now you can water your hard-to-reach plants." Now who would make their plants hard to reach? That seems so very mean. I know you need water, but I'm gonna make you hard to reach! I will ''throw'' water at you. Hopefully someone will invent a product before you shrivel and die. Think like a cactus!

--> I was standing in the lobby of this hotel just minding my own business and this guy came up to me and said, "Sir, could you please move? You're blocking a fire exit." As though if there was a fire, I wasn't going to ''run''. If you are flammable and have legs, you are never "blocking" a fire exit. Unless you're a table.

--> I bought a 2-bedroom house. But it's up to me how many bedrooms there are, ain't it? Fuck you, real-estate lady, this bedroom has an oven in it! This bedroom has a lot of people sitting around watching TV. This bedroom is A/K/A the hallway... This bedroom is over in that guy's house -- sir, are you aware you have one of my bedrooms? Don't decorate it!

-->"I have a sweet tooth." (Scattered laughter) "I think I messed something up with that last joke. I apologize."

* TemptingFate: Played with when discussing playing golf, and hit a guy with a drive. "You're supposed to yell out 'Fore!', but I was too busy mumbling, 'There ain't no way that's gonna hit him...'"
* ThirteenIsUnlucky: "The hotel I'm staying in doesn't have a thirteenth floor because of superstition. But people on the fourteenth floor- you know what floor you're really on. Don't believe me? Jump out the window. You will die earlier!"
** "If 13 is unlucky, then so should the letter "B" be. 'Cause "B" looks like a scrunched-together 13."
*** "Hi, what's your name?" "Bob." "Get the ''fuck'' away!"

-->''Hey man, you know that story about that woman that drove her and her kids into a river?''
-->''Yeah?''
-->''Well, it'' inspired ''me to write a story about a gorilla.''

-->"Whatcha gonna have? A pastrami sandwich. Would you like anything with that? Yeah, a loaf of bread and some other people."

Hedberg was an admitted drug user, and occasionally made jokes about his drug use in his act. These jokes became [[FunnyAneurysmMoment Funny Aneurysm Moments]] when Hedberg [[AuthorExistenceFailure died in 2005]], supposedly by overdosing on heroin and cocaine. What makes it sadder is that [[WhatCouldHaveBeen this was before doing his first HBO special]].

-->--'''Mitch Hedberg'''

-->--'''Mitch Hedberg'''

A breakout comedian who used a lot of one-liners, like StevenWright with a more laid back delivery. He was known for his monotone voice and [[CoolShades rose-colored aviator glasses]]. He specialized in wordplay, non sequiturs and observational comedy. He made a few appearances on a handful of TV shows and did some voice work for ''HomeMovies''.

* BrickJoke: Sort of a meta-example. On one of his albums, Mitch makes a joke that falls flat. In response to the tepid laughter, Mitch promises to fix that joke by taking out all of the words and putting in new ones. Much later in his set, when a completely joke gets a lot of laughter, he explains that this was the fixed joke from earlier.

-->"I don't need a receipt for a doughnut. I'll just give you the money, and you give me the doughnut. End of transaction! We don't need to bring ink and paper into this! I can't conceive of a scenario where I'd have to prove that I bought a doughnut. Some skeptical friend...'Don't even act like I didn't buy that doughnut! I've got the documentation right here!'"

-->"I don't need a receipt for a doughnut. I'll just give you the money, and you give me the doughnut. We don't need to bring ink and paper into this! I can't conceive of a scenario where I'd have to prove that I bought a doughnut. 'Don't even act like I didn't buy that doughnut! I've got the documentation right here!'"

* FountainOfMemes: Pretty much everyone in Generation Y knows his stand-up routines by heart.

* FridgeBrilliance
* FridgeLogic: Invoked in several of his routines. A lot of his humor relied on pointing it out.

->'"I'm tired of following my dreams! I'm just going to ask them where they're going and hook up with them later."''