William lulzblogs Chick Tracts because he hates himself

Actualle the Neanderthal man skeleton (the first discovered) was actually and old man with arthritic. An old Neanderthal man with arthritis, to be exact (healthy Neanderthals did not walk around stooped like the skeleton and the stereotypical "caveman").

As I have said before, Jack Chick has an ego bigger than New York. And as much research as a rock, only that the rock actually knows more than him.

Agh. Apparently I either never read that load of tripe but only saw bits of it, or I skimmed over it. That got just horrible at the end.

And what the heck does evolution have to do with having a soul!? It doesn't turn up at all, in any part of the theory. You can have a soul and still be a product of evolution and I can't believe I just typed that phrase out why is this even something that needs to be expressed it's obvious

*deep breaths*

Ugh.

That tract was bad.

I have to admit...as moronic as it is in context, something about the idea of a messiah who is also the strong nuclear force is inordinately compelling. Actually, that would be a really interesting interpretation of Prometheus.

(Fortunately, The Onion had the same idea and I read that first, So Yeah)

edited 26th Dec '09 10:45:17 AM by Haven

You can have a soul and still be a product of evolution and I can't believe I just typed that phrase out why is this even something that needs to be expressed it's obvious

And that, Goggle Fox, is exactly why I included the False Dichotomy pothole. Chick seems to think that you're either a young Earth Creationist or an atheist (no offense to atheists).

Oh, and I forgot to mention this in the review itself, but throughout the tract, Chick cites someone he calls "Dr. Dino", but who is also cited as Kent Hovind.

Well, Mr. Hovind identifies himself as "Dr. Dino" and goes around talking about the fossil record, early man, what have you. Given this, one might expect that he has a PhD in either anthropology or paleontology, but he actually has a PhD in "Christian Education" from Patriot University (an unaccredited correspondence school).

edited 26th Dec '09 11:53:29 AM by Enchanter468

I have a PhD in Truthology.

I have to admit...as moronic as it is in context, something about the idea of a messiah who is also the strong nuclear force is inordinately compelling. Actually, that would be a really interesting interpretation of Prometheus.

Admittedly, out of context it did amuse my little brother and me. Indeed, we both had the hilarious image of a zoom-in shot of the atomic nucleus with Jesus straining mightily to hold the protons in place.

It's just aggravating in context, because of the ridiculous double standard. Heck, that passage about gluons can be rewritten quite easily to: "God is a made-up dream. No one has seen or even measured Him...He does not exist! It's a desperate theory to explain away truth!" I wouldn't be surprised to find out that, say, Richard Dawkins said something like that.

Jack needs to read his Bible more often:

"Why do you look at the speck of sawdust in your brother's eye and pay no attention to the plank in your own eye? How can you say to your brother, 'Let me take the speck out of your eye,' while all the time there is a plank in your own eye? You hypocrite, first take the plank out of your own eye, and then you will see clearly to remove the speck from your brother's eye." -Matthew 7:3-5

edited 26th Dec '09 11:57:46 AM by Enchanter468

It's a fact that Chick does not read the Bible.

He prefers his own tracts instead.

Now I'm picturing Strong Atomic Force Jesus as well! And for bonus points, he's also an Unusual Chimpanzee. For some strange reason, "unusual" in this context corresponds to "dressed like a Quintessential British Gentleman."

Picometer-sized monocle-and-top-hat-wearing chimpanzee Jesii who are also basic forces. That's what Chick Tracts do to your brain.

edited 26th Dec '09 7:03:31 PM by FreezairForALimitedTime

Hmm, you know, normally I wouldn't think a chimpanzee would be a reliable way of holding together all matter in the universe but if he's wearing a top hat and a monocle? 100% quantum dependability.

Man, now I want to do one.

Suggestions? (Really I would've prefered one of the last two, because it's really easy to just say "No, this is provably false and Jack Chick is an idiot" and a little harder to say "Wait, Satan is the GREAT MOTHERFUCKING PUMPKIN?")

edited 26th Dec '09 9:18:51 PM by BlackHumor

Suggestions? (Really I would've prefered one of the last two, because it's really easy to just say "No, this is provably false and Jack Chick is an idiot" and a little harder to say "Wait, Satan is the GREAT MOTHERFUCKING PUMPKIN?")

Well, if you're interested in more provably false things, Chick has another entry in his anti-evolution portfolio: a tract called "Moving On Up!"

You should be able to get some good mileage out of that one.

Edit: The science in that one is actually worse than the stuff in "Big Daddy?" According to "Moving On Up!" fish evolved legs because they wanted to.

edited 26th Dec '09 10:24:49 PM by Enchanter468

ffff I remember this one. It says evolution is a religeon (!?) and this kid goes all Nazi on our asses.

Ah, Matthew 7:3-5 The most pleasurably redundant of the verses.

^ Kind of why I like them. I can almost imagine Jesus adding more emphasis on each repetition ("...when there is a plank in your own eye,"), as though he's talking to someone really stupid (kind of like Chick).

edited 27th Dec '09 10:48:48 PM by Enchanter468

I just filled out the survey on Jack Chick's website. Here were my comments:

I am very grateful for your tracts. They're the perfect tool help me witness. I've been using them to save souls for many years. Lately, though, I've been troubled by the fact that anyone who converts to Christianity may well change their mind later. How can you really be sure you've saved a person? So, here's what I do. Once I've converted a person, I make sure to seal their fate and ensure that they can't change their minds. I kill them. For a while I was worried that this would mean I didn't inherit a mansion in the kingdom of the LORD, but He tells me not to fear. I'm only ensuring that people wind up in His kingdom, and faith, not works ensure my place there. Merry CHRISTmas — C. M.

edited 27th Dec '09 11:54:04 AM by LeighSabio

He probably gets a lot of trolly email like that.

It'd still be fun, like gay sex with Adam Sandler.

edited 27th Dec '09 2:43:39 PM by Ronin

Ok then, liveblogging that one you posted:

We start with Badly-Drawn Lad asking Even-More-Badly-Drawn Mother where babies humans came from. Honestly, the question is worded ambiguously enough the mom really ought to have just spat out some BS about the stork or something. But no, she thinks it's a science question, so she gives the reasonable-for-a-nonscientist answer of "goo".

(Tangent: That a weird interpretation of that question. Apparently she thinks "we" means "all life on earth ever for billions of years". Goddamn hippie.)

Then Badly-Drawn Lad asks where the goo came from. Apparently, only science knows where the goo came from. (Jack Chick seems to think this is some sort of disproof of evolution. Unfortunately, he's kind of begging the question "Where did God come from?", which is a much harder question in theology than it is in science.) Mom is still showing about the level of scientific knowledge I'd expect from a nonscientist. Alas, she gets stupider.

Now she starts channeling Jack Chick and worshiping science. Seriously, crazy lady is crazy, not just in the obvious way that she's treating science as a religion, but also it makes no sense to "always believe what scientists say" from the very core principles of science. It's "hypotheses are tested by experiment" not "by scientists saying so". But clearly, Chick's just projecting, so let's move on.

Badly-Drawn Lad continues to ask stupid questions, and again with that "we". "We" never were living in the goo, but Crazy Lady doesn't seem to know that, because she yells at the kid for this particular stupid question. (In other news, a six-year-old knows what "fascinating" means. Clearly, he is going to grow up smarter than Chick.)

Now, we start with"all Jack Chick knows about evolution". Crazy Lady Jack Chick tells Badly-Drawn Lad that "we" were tiny dots wiggling in the goo. Complete with little "wiggle" sound effect, and I know this nitpicking but THERE IS NO SOUND AT THAT SCALE. Now Crazy Lady Jack Chick says "the goo turned into water"... the primordial soup WAS water, stupid lady. Water mixed with then-atmospheric gases. You can't just make up magic goo, this is SCIENCE we're talking about.

Now Crazy Lady Jack Chick tells Badly-Drawn Lad that "we" became... polywogs? What? And apparently this is important because "we" learned to swim then. We are still talking about single celled organisms, yes? To single celled organisms, water is like how a ballpit feels to us. You can't even really call what they do "swimming", and of course they don't have to "learn" anything, they're bacteria, they can't drown.

Of course, I doubt Chick knows that, considering he drew them with faces. We're still not talking about things with nervous systems even. Bacteria cannot go "Wheeee", Mr. Chick, BACTERIA CANNOT GO "WHEEEE".

Eh, moving on, next panel is possibly the stupidest line in this whole tract: "we" grew legs because "the land began to call us". Seriously Chick, I don't think you're getting that you can't just make stuff up and call it science.

Next, the stupidest picture in the entire tract, a fish with little human legs. Try more in the area of "frog", buddy. Caption is something stupid about "moving on up"; evolution doesn't have a destination in mind, there is no "up".

Now the line "in ONLY a few million years". Really, for something as amazingly complex as animal life, it OUGHT to take a few million years. But of course, Jack Chick insists on insulting us by saying it took only seven... Yeah, I can play that game too.

Then "we" changed into monkeys. There weren't actually any monkeys around at this time; what Chick would say if he knew what he was talking about would be "a monkey-like ancestor". Of course, Chick seems to think these are individual organisms doing this, so no chance of that.

Also, apparently these non-existent monkeys lost their tales at this time. Chick still can't give up his idea that somehow humans are the end of the evolutionary road that everything's been trying to get to.

Now "we're" human, so Badly-Drawn Kid gets the chance to ask Crazy Lady Jack Chick no, sorry, we seem to actually be getting back to Crazy Lady, yet another contrived question, because Chick does not know how to write dialog either.

Now yet another Wall Banger panel, apparently their religion is "evolution". No, you stupid writer, evolution is a scientific theory not a religion! Going by the next few panels the correct answer to this question would be atheism! Clearly Chick has failed theology as well as biology.

Now Crazy Lady explains that only the strong survive under natural selection. No, only the fittest survive, defined as "those who are fit enough to survive (and reproduce)". All natural selection says is "Anyone who is fit enough to survive (and reproduce) will survive (and reproduce)". And clearly everyone here is still alive, so natural selection doesn't apply.

Nevertheless, Badly-Drawn Lad takes the chance to become a Nazi. Now, let's see if we can reconstruct his thought process here: He's just been told that only the fittest survive, so he (correctly) deduces that he must be one of the fittest. And then he takes a jump from "fittest" to "master race". Through traits that have nothing at all to do with survival. Chick just went, with no exaggeration, "I can put evolution and Nazism NEXT TO EACH OTHER, therefore they MUST be the same thing!"

Now the kid Jack Chick asks how he knows whether there's right or wrong if there is no God. If his mom was not also a mouthpiece for Chick, she would say "Wait, where did you get no God from evolution?" followed by "Same way you always did, really." But noooooo, she has to spurt moral relativism at a SIX YEAR OLD.

And of course, the kid immediately goes from "You get to decide what's right or wrong" to "Nothing is wrong! A God Am I! MUAHAHAHAHAHA!" Chick seems to have trouble getting to grips with the fact that some people really just don't need a god to be moral. Protip: If Jack Chick ever becomes an atheist, do NOT under any circumstances give him a chainsaw.

And oooh, this next panel is rich. First, a literal demon about as big as the kid has suddenly appeared, to signal for those readers who were a bit dull in the head that Chick doesn't approve of this. The kid is of course turning into a full blown nihilist.  ^*

Second, the line "There are no absolutes!" is helpfully footnoted with "Lie! The (KJV) BIBLE is absolute!" which makes about as much sense as saying "Lie! PIE is absolute!" Then the line "Everything is relative" is even more helpfully potholed with "Relative means subject to your opinion." I'm not sure if I should be more disturbed that he had to tell us that or that it implies he didn't know that himself.

I think I'm gonna take a break now, this is causing some of my brain cells to die already.

Whats funny is this is actually why I became True Neutral in the first place. Atheism and Morality are incompatible and atheist who have morlas are just kidding themselves. Wow, seeing a Chick Tract actually outline your beliefs accurately.I think I'll go kill myself now.

edited 29th Dec '09 3:40:00 AM by Ronin

Now yet another Wall Banger panel, apparently their religion is "evolution".

That gets hilarious if you look at the book she's holding. The title is just "Evolution", and the author is "Darwin".

Guess Darwin never wrote The Origin of Species or The Descent of Man. Nope, he just wrote one book called "Evolution".

And on the cover of "Evolution" is a caveman fighting a dinosaur. This seems like more of a Creationist view than anything else.

I think this is a good summary of how evolution works:

"Why the hell do [insert species here] have [insert bizarre or ridiculously clunky trait]/do [insert bizarre or ridiculously clunky activity]? There are so many better ways of doing that!"

"Well, they got away with it, didn't they?"

^ *chuckles* Exactly :p

Can we get a troll check on Ronin?

ANYWAY, part 2:

We start with the Designated Protagonist little girl coming to glomp Badly Drawn Lad. Badly Drawn Lad Jack Chick, for his part, still is mistaking atheism for nihilism.

Skip a panel that has nothing to snark about we haven't snarked at enough already.

Now apparently Badly Drawn Lad has never heard of Jesus. To put this in perspective: I'm Jewish (or, at least, was). My parents aren't the least bit religious. I cannot remember a time I did not know, basically, who Jesus was.

And, even though apparently a six year old boy can't possibly know who Jesus is, a six year old girl already understands the concept of original sin. Which, if you think about it, makes everything Badly Drawn Lad has done since the last few panels TOTALLY IRRELEVANT.

Now the Oddly Friendly Demon and Badly Drawn Lad have apparently floated off into space. Either that, or Jack Chick is too lazy to draw a background. In other news, Jack Chick continues to mix evolution with atheism, atheism with nilhilsm, and nilhilism with autotheism. Not that he knows what any of those are.

Next panel, a six year old boy who had never heard of either evolution OR Jesus accuses a six year old girl of being politically incorrect. You can't make this stuff up, folks.

Next four panels, Badly Drawn Lad displays a total ignorance of the Bible and nevertheless falls straight for all the crap Designated Protagonist Girl is feeding him. Though there's a lot of creepy talk about blood in the last panel. Again, DO NOT, I repeat DO NOT, let Jack Chick near a chainsaw.

And of course, John 3:16 rears its ugly head again. I would like to point out here that this is an awfully convoluted way to organize your universe, you know. Given that you're an omnipotent God, why should you have to send your son down to die to erase everyone's sin? Can't you just erase it yourself? Or maybe ignore it? And then why did you set it up so that there was such a thing as original sin anyway? You'd think God would be a little more efficient is all I'm saying.

Next four panels, Jack Chick fails to acknowledge that Badly Drawn Lad is not actually doing anyone any harm; and for that matter has no reason to react so violently to a story he apparently believes wholeheartedly. I mean, there are plenty of perfectly sane people out there that believe both Christianity and evolution are true.

And also I would like to point out Badly Drawn Lad had never heard of Jesus until five minutes ago, and he still hasn't heard of the 10 commandments, so he can't possibly "see why we hate them".

And Jesus isn't banned in our schools; certainly Jesus himself could theoretically just waltz in anytime he wants, because he's Jesus, but also praying to him is totally legal. It's leading students in prayer that's not allowed. And again, how the hell does he know "Jesus is banned in our schools" if he's never heard of Jesus before?

Now a panel to drive in the anvil. "God bless our schools for teaching him this?" The schools didn't teach him this, you stupid Chick expy, his mom did! In full view of all of us! Did you seriously forget what you just wrote for half the tract?!

Now Badly Drawn Lad dies. Death is apparently nice enough to say "hi, there", as he kills you in a mysterously backgroundless void.

Next two: Wait, I thought Chick said God loved us? Isn't eternal hell for believing in a totally evidence supported scientific theory, um, incredibly nonloving? (Though, I actually have to give Chick a point for drawing an angel throwing Badly Drawn Dude into hell, not a demon. Though given all his other tracts that show demons staffing hell, I'm pretty sure this is just an accident.)