Kid's Letters To Santa

I know it's a little early, but who cares? Here's how it goes: I'll write a letter from a kid to Santa. Whoever gives "Santa's" response has to write the next letter, and so on. Don't take it too seriously; just have fun with it.

Does everybody have a drink with them? Are you comfortable? Good. Then we'll begin:

• Dear Santa;
• For Christmas, I want a kitten and a BB gun.
• Sincerely, Tommy

edited 20th Nov '10 11:09:34 AM by RedneckRocker

Dear Tommy,
You can have a kitten, but why does everyone keep asking for BB guns? They'll shoot their eye out!
Sincerely,
Santa

Dear santa
I want a virchul boy! Some oter things too but mostly a vb!
Love,
Bill

edited 20th Nov '10 12:12:53 PM by Reecer6

Dear Mr. Gates,

We've been over this. Mailing this letter from another address doesn't change which list you're on. Need I remind you of the court order?

Cordially,
S. Claus, CEO
North Pole Delivery Services

Dear Santa,
I've been a very good girl this year, and I want an Easy Bake Oven and a pony and a sled.
XOXOXOXO
Sally

edited 20th Nov '10 12:15:16 PM by BlackWolfe

Dear Sally,

An easy bake oven will not be large enough for you to cook your new pony in and bludgeoning the poor thing to death with a sled is just cruel. Expect coal this Christmas.

Santa Claus.

Dear Santa, This Christmas I would appreciate it greatly if you could send me a prototype immortality serum.

A. Wesker.

edited 20th Nov '10 1:04:48 PM by Phoenixor

Al, you turned an entire African nation into a mob of shambling parasites. I'll give the new autoclave, but don't expect much else.

~Santa

[[lightgrey:DEAR STUPID EARTH SANTA,]]

[[lightgrey:''ALL I WANT FOR STUPID EARTH COCKSUCKMAS IS A TRIP BACK TO ALTERNIA. OH WAIT, YOU CAN'T DO THAT BECAUSE YOU'RE A STUPID IMAGINARY EARTH FIGMENT PRDOUCED BY A PITIFUL SOCIETY OF DOOMED BEINGS IN A POOR IMITATION OF PERIGEE'S EVE.]]

[[lightgrey: MERRY ASSHOLEMAS, K. VANTAS]]

edited 20th Nov '10 1:10:11 PM by HungryJoe

Dear Karkat,
You really need to work on that hostility. As far as helping you out, I'm afraid the North Pole has been bombarded by meteors recently and I might be delayed. Good luck, though.
Sincerely,
S. Claus

Dear Santa,
Hey, I need help lookin' fer somethin' nice for my momma. Also, some hot babes would be totally cool.
Sincerely, Johnny B

Dear Johnny,

... No. Just... No.

Dear Santa, there are demons headed for the North Pole. I hope this warning reaches you in time. Also, could you please pass this warning to Colonel Johnson?

Signed, J.S.

Dear JS:

Chain letters get you on the naughty list.

Sincerely Santa

Dear Santa:

My brother and I need a philospher's stone. I'll even admit you exist.

Sincerely, Ed Elric

edited 20th Nov '10 4:06:23 PM by JewelyJ

Dear Ed:

Sorry, but I can't do that. The only Philosopher's Stone I know of got destroyed by Albus Dumbledore in 1991. I wish I could bring it back, but you're just gonna have to find another one yourselves. I apologize.

Sincerely, Santa.

Can I get relieved of my charges for this million-dollar heist me and my friends didn't pull off? The police want me dead because they think I did it. I'll be good! I swear!

Sincerely,

Tre Listman

edited 20th Nov '10 4:50:24 PM by Tre

Dear Tre,

That isn't a tangible object, is it? While you get my sympathy, I cannot do anything about that other than give the perpetrators coal.

Santa Claus

Remember that the missus wants an emerald ring for Christmas this year. Also remember to buy medicine for Rudolph's cold.

Santa Claus

edited 20th Nov '10 5:30:42 PM by Anomalocaris20

Dear Self;

If you need help finding a decent ring, I know a guy. Also, be careful when choosing the medicine for Rudolph; the last thing you need is him nodding off in mid-flight.

Sincerely, Santa

edited 22nd Nov '10 9:27:03 AM by RedneckRocker

Dear Crow

No. Just... No.

Sincerely Santa

—-

Dear Santa

Can you get rid of all the Mudbloods?

Sincerely

Bellatrix Black

edited 22nd Nov '10 9:57:59 AM by JewelyJ

Dear Bellatrix Black,

I shall send you a Scroll of Genocide. When you read it, just say the word, "Mudbloods", and BAM! They'll be gone forever!

Can you please give me a cat? I just wanted one for some strange reason...

Sincerely, Shiki Tohno.

^^ Dear Bellatrix,

I give gifts, I don't do mercenary services.

Sincerely, Santa

____

^ Dear Shiki,

For animal welfare purposes, I haven't done deliveries of live animals for the past 20 years. However, if you truly desire a cat, I'll see if I can arrange something.

Sincerely, Santa

____

Dear Santa,

For Christmas, I'd like to have some more dakka, and maybe some shields to keep jerks from shooting my missiles back at me.

Sincerely,

edited 22nd Nov '10 10:06:06 AM by TheGinkei

Dear [whoever that is]

No

Sincerely Santa

Dear Clause -san

I need an Agumon and and a few Devimon for my project

Sincerely

Ichihouji Ken

I hate to nitpick, but why are you just saying 'no' to the above response every time? Have some fun with it.

Dear Todbot,

Seeing how you didn't ask for anything, you've made my job easier.

You shall get nothing for X-mas.

Love, Santa.

Dear Santa, I want to have the herpes for Christmas. It's not for me though, it's for a friend.

Love, Vorpy.

Dear Vorpy:

Depending on how naughty your friend's been, I'll see what I can do.

Love, Santa.

Dear Santa:

It is my most sincere wish that you let me murder you on Christmas Eve so that I may obtain your powers.

Love, M'sieur Lapin

edited 15th Dec '10 10:54:07 PM by MsieurLapin

Dear Msieur Lapin,

Sorry honey, I don't fulfill self-destructive wishes. I'll send you a coupon good for a free psychotherapy session though, you sound like you could use it.

Sincerely,

Santa

_______________________________

Dear Santa,

All I want for Christmas is to have the graffiti gangs of Tokyo put behind bars.

Sincerely,

Goji Rokkaku.

edited 15th Dec '10 11:17:36 PM by TheGinkei

Dear Lapin:

I'd like to see you try, bitch.

Sincerely,

Santa

Dear Santa,

I want that gun that can blow Samus up from Other M.

Sincerely,

Ridley

Dear Ridley,

Ho, ho, ho!

Sincerely, Santa Claus, Lapland.

Dear Santa,

I want a hippopotamus for Christmas. Only a hippopotamus will do!

Yours, etc.,

Gayla Peevey

Dear Gayla,

Do you know how much it costs to ship presents? They charge by how much it weighs, you know.

How about that pony? With big pink ribbons? And a name like 'Rainbow Sunshine Sprinklefarts'?

-Santa Claus.

Dear Santa,

I want a hug schlong.

From Future Porn Star

Dear Santa.

You're A awesome guy.

Can I have a pony for christmas?

From queen.

Dear Future Porn Star,

I am the embodiment of the purity of innocence of Christmas. I should be sending you a lump of coal. However, in the spirit of the season, I will be sending you a book entitled "Sweedish-made Penis Enlarging Pumps and Me, This Sort of Thing Really Is My Bag, Baby," by Austin D. Powers.

I don't know why I'm doing this,
Santa

Dear queenofdarkness,

Thank you. I have received this request before, however, and due to recent legal actions (United States Parents Union v. Claus) I have enclosed a court-mandated legal document for your parents to read and sign in triplicate before I can fulfill your request. Please advise them to read all 437 pages, as several of them require their initials on two or three items per page.

Sincerely, An Overworked Santa Claus

I would like as much information as you can provide on the following subjects:

• Distributed processing
• Advanced robotics theory

Thank you in advance.

CP1A AKA Sepia

edited 16th Dec '10 2:47:39 PM by BlackWolfe

Dear Santa,

All I want is a hacked copy of Mario and Sonic At The Olympic Winter Games that actually allows you to play as Rouge.