The Neverending Instruction Manual

How to address the audience: Rent a large stage for ten hours and gather a hundred people. After an introduction, ask the people how the weather is today. Pay attention to the responses to see what answers you get. If you see anyone asleep, call security and forcibly drag that person out of the room in a dramatic fashion. Use one of the responses as your starting point for the next segment of your speech, and then throw another question at the audience in a sudden jab. Repeat.

edited 16th Jan '17 11:33:32 PM by Trivialis

How to forcibly drag someone out of a room in a dramatic fashion:

First, locate somebody you would like to temporarily dispose of. Then, grab onto them suddenly, proclaiming something at a loud volume. While this person is confused, along with any other occupants of the room, suplex them into a nearby object or wall and yell some more. Then, locate the nearest exit, tighten your grip on the person, and drag them along the ground until you reach the exit. Then, throw the person out the exit and prevent any possible reentry. Afterwards, declare something to the remaining occupants of the room to quell the spiked tensions. If you've followed all these steps successfully, then you should have successfully removed at least one person from the room you're currently in while raising a large, but short, ruckus.

How to Suplex: Find something that you can easily lift. Squat a little, spread your legs apart for balance, and firmly grasp the object in your arms. Lift the object with all your strength, then arc your back as you slam it to the ground. If you want a challenge, try suplexing objects heavier than you. Works best if you are Undyne.

edited 20th Feb '17 8:43:12 PM by TroperNo9001

How to firmly grasp something: Find an object. Then, wrap your hand around the object and hold it tight. Here's a video demonstration.

How to find an object: Look around, do you see something? Try to touch it, is it solid? If so unless it's alive it's an object. If it is either alive or not solid, try again.

Works best if you're not blind

How not to be blind:

• 1: have a pair of eyes
• 2: check if you're not blind
• 3: have a brain
• 4: don't be Genre Blind

Just because you're not blind doesn't mean you're Genre Savvy.

edited 22nd Feb '17 7:55:39 AM by Mhazard

How to have a brain: If you are reading this, then it's most likely that you've already had a brain. However, you may want another brain, probably because you lost yours, or you want it for a snack, or whatever. In that case, find a creature with a brain^, then bash, smash or slice its head open and yank the brain out. Now you have a brain!

^Protip: Not all creatures have a brain. Humans, dolphins and octopuses have a brain. Jellyfish, rocks and Donald Trump do not have a brain.

How to Donald Trump:

1. Have lotsa money

2. Marry a hot Miss Universe contestant

3. Abuse women

4. Claim everything is false in the media

5. Use Twitter to bitch(Which by the way is ironic since it is media.)

6. Promise things that you can't keep

7. Repeat until you become president.

How to use Twitter: Make a Twitter account. Then, open it, login and type anything you want. But keep it shorter than 140 characters, or you

Entry uses exactly 140 characters (excluding the markups and this disclaimer)

How to use 140 Characters:

First things first, you're going to need a reason to have that many characters in your story. Is it an epic sprawling tale, a long-running Soap Opera with Long-Runner Cast Turnover, or just a fan fiction crossover of Homestuck, Game of Thrones, the Marvel Cinematic universe and Ocean's Eleven? Regardless, now you're going to need to take writing classes on how to properly handle that many characters. We here at NEIM recommend dividing the cast up into Cast Herds, so they are easy to manage, and maybe a Geodesic Cast so that you get some interesting character dynamics among the herds. When you think you've gotten the hang of this, it then helps to kill some of the characters off, be it through Heroic Sacrifice, a Cruel and Unusual Death, or through a plain old cop-out. How the audience reacts is purely their problem.

...what do you mean, "wrong kind of character?"

How to take writing classes.

Step 1: Attach building to large set of wheels.

Step two: Use large object to move building.

Congratulations! You've just taken a writing class, and committed multiple counts of kidnapping, property damage and the like.

How to use large object: For starters, you have to find a large object. "Large" is a subjective term, so you have to define how large the object you want to use. Is it as large as a breadbox? A tuba? A sperm whale? The Sun? Ask these questions first before finding the object to use.

Once you've found a large object of the size you wanted, use the large object as per the instructions, or by looking up specific how-to's of the object that you're using.

edited 27th Jan '17 6:55:05 AM by anza_sb

How to find a large object: Look around your home to to see what is the largest furniture or prop you have. Picture that object Up to Eleven and check if a nearby Target store has it. If it doesn't, go there to purchase the necessary materials to build it and make it yourself. Recommended only if the estimated time to make it is less than a week.

How to look around your home

First of all, you need a home. If you have none, locate aderelict building, a hole in the ground, a bench or a bridge and declare it your home. Now you need to examinate the area surrounding your home. Make note of everything you find and try to remember the most important things around your home, like places where you can get supplies, nearby threats or possible portals to other dimensions.

• How to locate a portal to another dimension.

Well first in order to find a portal to another dimension you must categorize and cross reference all of the dimensions in our Multiverse. Now in order to cross reference said Dimensions you must first discover if there are indeed more than the original 37 Dimensions that were described in Box Dimension. Now to find the said almanac you must go to the library and bribe the librarian with 32 sardines not the reason that it is 32 sardines is because that is his lucky number 31 or even 33 will offend him.

• "Help my librarian is going to kill me!"

Now if you're a librarian becomes offended you must sate the insatiable anger of a wild librarian that has been forced to capitulate services rendered unto the Galactic Union of Printed Recordings by sacrificing your first born Son's third cousin twice removed on their mother's side of their fiance.

• "But, how do I find who exactly is the the twice removed third cousin of my mother's fiance's son?"

ASK!.... _{it really is that simple there's no need for unnecessary Exposition... they charge me by the letter here people!}

Good, once you have found your twice removed third cousin of your fiance's mother's son then you are one step closer to discovering a portal to an alternate dimension.

Turn to side B to continue.

Unfortunately, side B of this manual was accidentally destroyed in a freak sardine accident.

However, we here at the NEIM have prepared a substitute manual.

It might not directly correlate with the side A, but whatever.

How to charge: Run as fast as you can towards an object or a person and slam your whole body into it or them. Or, forcefully ask someone for money in exchange for the services or goods that you give to them. Or, direct electricity into an object (you can either use a charger or your Shock and Awe powers).

edited 28th Jan '17 7:14:13 PM by anza_sb

How to bump a forum thread — Part 2: When should you bump a thread?

• Inactive for 12 hours-3 days: This is too early to bump; be patient.
• Inactive for 3-7 days: This is the normal time for you to bump.
• Inactive for 7 days or more: This is a little too late, but okay.
• Inactive for a year or more: This is called "necro-ing", and the guys here hate it, for some reason. If you found a thread like this, don't bump at all and just let the thread die peacefully. Or make a new thread of the same topic.

How to Use a Charger / How to Charge Your Phone: First, identify what kind of phone you have so you know what kind of charger to use. Then, find a socket and plug it in, but be very careful with the amount of voltage it gives off (it varies from country to country, usually 110V or 220V; you need a transformer if you don't have the right charger). Once that's done, leave your phone for a few minutes or hours depending on how much you need to charge, but never leave it for too long, or you might just literally burn the house down. And don't forget to check that the charger's working and not frayed.

With your phone fully charged, you can now enjoy the rest of the day wasting away on Youtube videos, social media sites, or video games!

edited 18th Feb '17 5:59:43 AM by TroperNo9001

How to waste away: First, do NOT get out of bed. Secondly, don't answer any phone calls from work or family. Third, don't have anything to eat or drink, I know it may be hard but bare with it. Congratulations, you just went through the "Shelter" experience. :'( ;^; :'(

How to Answer Phone Calls: This instruction changes with age, so we here at NEIM have compiled a short list of guidelines for your appropriate age group.

• Under 5: Uwaa, uw uw waa, waaaugh waaaaugh goo goo.
• 5-12: If they ask for your parents, claim they can't come to the phone right now, especially if it's anyone on your mother's side of the family. If they ask for you, promptly speak what little Mandarin you know to convince them they have the wrong number.
• 12-18: If it's a friend of yours, socialize for about an hour until the movie you're seeing stops playing. If it's a number you don't recognize, mute your phone and delete your voicemail. If it's your parents, claim you didn't nick dad's condoms to bone that cute boy---er, girl in your science class. This will totally work.
• 18+: If the person calling asks for your personal information, blindly give it to them without a second thought. If it's a coworker, claim you're working on it. If it worked for 20 years, it will still work now. If it's a family member, make your conversations short, detatched, and blunt.
• Dead: Call your daughter at the movie theatre.

How to Socialize: Find someone that you want to talk to. Then, go up to them and start a conversation. Note that the difficulty of this step varies depending on the individual.

How to start a conversation: Walk up to someone and use one of a number of greetings to communicate with them. Favorites include 'Hello', 'Greetings' and 'Quick! Come with me! There's no time to explain!'. If all goes well, you should have initiated into a conversation, regardless of the content of it or the feelings behind it.

How to walk up to someone: Put one foot in front of the other.

Be warned, when one can touch the other's hand when the arm is extended, you usually stop there.

No, too close.

If you get too close, try running.

How to measure one foot: Find a foot, preferably a human foot. You can use your own, or you can ask your friends for theirs. Once you have the foot, you can use it to measure the lengths of things. If the foot is too troublesome to use, remove it from the leg first before using.

...And that's why you should use meters instead.

How To ask a friend first, find a friend then,ask them