"Come on down to Cinemassacre Video, where selection is the name of the game!"
Cinemassacre Video, aka Cinemassacre Rental and Rental Reviews, was a weekly series spearheaded by James Rolfe of Cinemassacre.
Bit of behind-the-scenes history: back in the mid-2010s, Rolfe converted a room in his basement into a lookalike of a video rental store, a venue where he reviewed many movies by himself. In 2018, Rolfe decided to take full advantage of this space by hosting a movie discussion show.
In-universe, the motif was that it's an actual video store (in the Voorhees Memorial Shopping Center, next to Caldor
). Rolfe played the owner of the video store, and the other participants were either customers or his employees. The most frequent participants besides James were Justin Silverman, Tony Piluso, and Kieran Fallon, although Mike Matei has been on a few times, as have Doug Walker, Brad Jones, and even Macaulay Culkin, among many others.
In September 2019, the series moved (in-universe) to a new location in the mall, with a different set to match. Mike Matei also opened a video game store, and this spin-off sub-series (Retail Reviews) obviously focused on video games instead of movies, but the format is largely the same.
The series came to an abrupt end as of the June 26, 2020 episode about odd and misleading VHS/DVD covers. Apparently, the reason for the cancellation is that the group got burned out making it amidst the other Cinemassacre projects. The group is still open to doing an occasional episode here and there, and James is still making one-shot film-based videos starring only himself, but the weekly release format with the group discussions is essentially finished. With Matei's further departing from Cinemassacre at the end of 2020, the Retail Reviews spin-off is up in the air; if it does return, it won't involve Mike.
While Cinemassacre Video is over, Tony has a spiritual successor in Hack the Movies, which is largely the same format as Cinemassacre Video, with James, Justin, Kieran, and Mike appearing here and there. Also, in 2021, James, Kieran and Justin started a weekly Cinemassacre podcast which sometimes discusses movies. That too has since concluded.
Tropes featured in the series:
- Ambiguous Ending: In the episode about Ernest Goes to Jail, James recalled that when he first watched the movie as a kid, he thought Ernest died after falling to Earth, since the movie rolls the credits immediately after Ernest gives a one-liner and collapses.
- Anachronism Stew: Caldor closed in the '90s, so the series seems to take place in that era (which is also when video rental stores were big), but the group has reviewed/referenced new movies and they've gotten out their smartphones a few times. In one episode they do mention the Caldor has been "empty for years", however
- Artistic License – Biology: In their discussion of The Sandlot, Tony mentioned that, as a kid, the movie got him pumped to own a mastiff after seeing the movie, but lamented that in real life, mastiffs aren't nearly as exciting as the one presented on-screen.
- Bad Boss: Zig-zagged with Mr. Lobo. On the one hand, he makes Justin and Kieran work for free in the new store to pay off the debts that Cinemassacre Video has accrued. On the other hand, the fact that Cinemassacre Video was able to not pay rent for an entire year without being evicted is pretty gracious of him.
- Breaking the Fourth Wall: The ending to The Truman Show episode shows the camera set-up, parodying the film's "Truman Show" Plot. Interestingly, this move reveals that both Rental Reviews and Retail Reviews are shot in the same room.
- Chuck Cunningham Syndrome: Discussed in the "Strangest Actor Recastings" episode, specifically regarding Family Matters.
- Cluster F-Bomb: Although the series is not as vulgar as other Cinemassacre web originals, the series may drift to this trope at times.
- Cold Open: Many episodes feature short skits before the actual discussion portion takes place.
- Collector of the Strange: In Real Life, Justin collects Steven Seagal merchandise, mostly to be ironic. This is addressed in the Under Siege episode.
- Content Warnings: In The Three Stooges tribute, James warned viewers that there are some racist gags in some of the older shorts.
- Covers Always Lie: One of the categories discussed for the final episode, "Crazy VHS Tape Cover Art".
- Credits Gag: Many episodes have humorous opening credits, such as "Executive producer: Fred Fuchs".
- Deliberate VHS Quality: The film clips are often presented in this format, likely to circumvent YouTube's strict copyright policy.
- Dress-Up Episode: A few episodes had Tony in relevant outfits to what they're reviewing; in The Running Man episode, he's dressed in a yellow contestant outfit like in the movie, and in the Kazaam episode, he's dressed as Jafar from Aladdin.
- Eat That: In the Jurassic Park 2 vs. 3 video, the loser of the online poll asking which movie was superior had to eat a slice of Dennis Nedry's "shaving cream pie". The loser was Tony, who only got a quarter of the votes. As he ate the pie, he casually mentioned that his throat was on fire.
- Enforced Plug: Occasionally, one of the participants will bring up a short film they directed/starred in if it ties into the film they're discussing.
- Excuse Plot: The idea that it's meant to be set in a video rental store rarely comes up outside of the opening credits.
- Fanon Discontinuity: Invoked in the Die Hard episode; James references A Good Day to Die Hard and Tony pretends he's not aware there was a fifth movie.
- Formula-Breaking Episode:
- The standard intro was given different, Halloween-themed narration for the October 2018 shows.
- Any episode that doesn't take place in the video store, such as when they reviewed Road House (1989) in a bar.
- The episode Rental Reviews Live (at Too Many Games), since it was the four at a con. Rather than talk about one movie, they showed various old commercials and clips to the audience.
- As with James & Mike Mondays, the series was temporarily formatted so that James and other participants were speaking from different locations, due to social distancing rules amidst the coronavirus pandemic.
- Four-Leaf Clover: In the Leprechaun & Leprechaun Returns episode, Kieran thinks he has one of these in his wallet. He's disappointed when he pulls it out and it's only a three leaf clover.
- The Generation Gap: Done in jest by Tony in the Jurassic Park II vs. III video, accusing Kieran of not "getting" Jurassic Park III because he's a "boomer", while "zoomers" like the movie.Kieran: How am I a "boomer"? I'm, like, two years older than you.
- Green Screen: How the First Blood review was achieved; Nathan Barnatt and his famous character Keith Apicary both reviewed the film with James.
- Iconic Outfit: In virtually every video, James wears a red Cinemassacre Video T-shirt and baseball cap. Kieran is also frequently dressed in a jean jacket with cut-off sleeves and a T-shirt underneath.
- Instrumental Theme Tune: The first version, which uses two stock music tracks while the announcer describes the titular video store.
- Interface Screw: In the Man on the Moon review, there are a couple instances of a "video loading" pinwheel, appropriate when discussing a movie about Andy Kaufman.
- Jump Scare: The "found footage"-style opening for the Event Horizon episode has one of these featuring a sudden cut to Kieran growling with demonic eyes.
- Let's See YOU Do Better!: Deconstructed in the Mortal Kombat: The Journey Begins episode: The trio heavily criticize the short film, but Kieran maintains that if he took a year, he could produce something much better than it, despite only being one person.
- Long List: Justin's description of Steven Seagal in the Under Siege episode:Justin: He's a guitar collectin', carrot eatin', direct-to-video-in', Macon Police Deputy-in', a stunt actor fightin', blues singin', SNES cancellin', Will Sasso hatin', human traffickin', Aikido masterin', Expendables avoidin', Russian oligarchs sniffin', three-time divorcin', celebrity guidin', wine drinkin', seven kid havin', Security Exchange Commission dodgin', sexual harassin', banned from SNL hostin', weirdly runnin', Asian and Native American pretendin', machete dyin', studio spiritual swingin' and energy drink makin' son of a bitch.
- In the Congo episode, James mentioned that whenever Bruce Campbell is asked why he agreed to act in the movie, Bruce would say that when you look at the pedigree behind it, how could you say no? James proceeded to list all the big talent associated with the movie, and it was quite a long list.
- Manly Tears: Born Free is significant because it is the only film to make James cry- according to James, it's not that the movie has a Downer Ending but it leaves you with complicated emotions. Kieran, the other participant in this episode, came very close to crying as well.
- "Not Making This Up" Disclaimer: In the Under Siege episode, a Steven Seagal ad for his Lightning Bolt drink is shown, with the added title: "Yes, this is real."
- O.O.C. Is Serious Business: The normally calm and easy-going James suddenly has an outburst in the True Lies episode after Cinemassacre Video relocates to another store in the mall:James: I get it! There's three stores now, okay? There is nothing different, except for the backgrounds! Let's review True Lies already!
Kieran: ...Okay, jeez. - The Other Darrin: Invoked/parodied in the intro to the "Strangest Actor Recasts" episode, where James, Justin, Tony, and Kieran are played by Seth Rogen, Josh Gad, a tea kettle, and Jason Momoa.
- Retraux: The first intro sequence, done in the style of a '80s commercial.
- Running Gag: Tony hates eyeballs being stabbed. Naturally it's brought up in most episodes, even if there's no context for it.Kieran: (after Tony picks Speed 2: Cruise Control as an "underrated" action flick) I just want to say, I'm so disappointed in you, Tony. Stabbed eyeballs.
- Randomly cutting to Tony in a different location if he's not part of the discussion but he has something to add.
- An early Running Gag involved the store accidentally giving the wrong tape to customers- i.e. Tony complains that he got Surf Ninjas instead of Schindler's List.
- In the R.O.T.O.R. episode: A "Have a Pepsi." clip playing every time Tony takes a drink of Pepsi.
- Serious Business: In-universe: In the "Cinemassacre Rental" about Road House (1989), Tony (playing a bartender) banned Kieran from his bar because he disliked Jurassic Park III.
- Shout-Out: Certain episodes open with a bass riff that sounds similar to the Seinfeld scene transition music.
- The video where they review Mortal Kombat: The Journey Begins has a recreation of the Mortal Kombat (1992) title screen, only with Cinemassacre staff in the scrolling tiles.
- Special Edition Title: The Halloween and Christmas episodes had slightly different narrations:Announcer: Come on down to Cinemassacre Video-ho-ho, where holiday selection is the name of the game! We've got holiday comedy! Holiday drama! Holiday action! Holiday horror! Movies for good girls and boys, movies for naughty mommies and daddies, and all month, we've got Santa!
- Special Guest: Has been the case for many episodes.
- Studio Audience: Parodied in the Temple of Doom vs. Crystal Skull video, with audience laughter after a few moments in the Cold Open.
- Played straight in the Rental Reviews Live episode, due to taking place at the Too Many Games con.
- Talk Show: The format, obviously.
- Theme Naming: Seems to be a Running Gag in 2020; February was nicknamed "Febru-Carrey" (all Jim Carrey movies), March was nicknamed "March-ial Arts" (all kung fu/karate movies... and Under Siege), and April is "Ape-ril" (all primate movies). The practice seems to have stopped for May, but not before Justin throws out a few more ideas: "It's Gonna Be May" (Justin Timberlake movies), "Marisa To-May", and "May the Force Be With You". James shoots them all down.
- Three Wishes: The Kazaam episode opens with Tony asking a genie for three wishes: That all copies of Speed be replaced by Speed 2: Cruise Control, that all copies of Road House 2 are destroyed, and that all copies of The Lost World: Jurassic Park be replaced with Jurassic Park III. Kieran interrupts that the last one goes too far, so Tony amends so his third wish is that Kieran isn't in the upcoming episode (he's replaced by Justin).
- Troll: Discussed in the Y2K Scare VHS Tapes episode: On December 31, 1999, James pranked his sister by turning off the lights at the circuit breaker when it rolled over to January 1, 2000. She wasn't fooled and just called him an asshole.
- With Lyrics: The second intro sequence features the stock music track "The Hero is Here", with lyrics about the video store added on top.
