Video Game / Crack-Life

Crack-Life is a retarded, unfunny, racist, offensive mod. It was made from total boredom.

Crack-Life is a deranged, drug-fueled mess of a mod notorious for its boundlessly offensive, deliberately bad humor which serves as a sort of a period piece of early 2010's meme culture. Crack-Life radically alters the original Half-Life experience by adding new models, sounds, weapons and more.

The story is about a master rapist and ass doctor named Fordon Greeman who works at a research facility in Uganda called Black Meat, and who is involved in a suspicious experiment conducted by an old guy who is rumored to be a Nazi who wants to start a Nazi apocalypse and destroy the world. Predictably, the test goes awry and the old man does turn out to be a Nazi, and Black Meat gets overrun by the monsters. Greeman now has fight his way through various strange creatures and Admin's Microsoft Sam soldiers to travel to Nazi Germany and stop Hitler from taking over the world.

In Campaign Mode, Fordon returns home from Germany to find that Black Meat was taken over by Soviet Military and that he is to be put in prison for using hacked weapons. After breaking out he steals a random guy's hazard suit and embarks on yet another journey to save Black Meat from the Soviets.

After the release of the original mod in October 6, 2012, Crack-Life went on to have a sequel named Crack-Life: Campaign Mode in September 11, 2015. Also, the mod received a good number of fan-made additions, including a Black Mesa remaster of both the original mod and the campaign, a GoldSrc remod, and a Source engine port.

On October 12 2022, an Anniversary version was released, which includes a lot of new content, weapons, enemies, and some new maps as well. It can be downloaded here.

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Crack Life contains examples of:

Crack-Life

• Adaptational Wimp: The gargantuas have no fire attack and can only strike with the large axes in their arms, and Ichies are completely devoid of claws and teeth and can do no damage whatsoever.
• Beethoven Was an Alien Spy: Apparently, Hitler was leading an alien invasion to Uganda and Nazi Germany was a Eldritch Location made of many floating islands.
• Bilingual Bonus: Gopniks actually speak Lithuanian with some Russian curses mixed in due to Siemka123, the lead developer of the mod, being Lithuanian.
  • The Herr Doktor scientist will also occasionally mix in a few German words.
  "Oh Gott, was hab' ich getan?"^Translation "Oh god, what have I done?"
• Cluster F-Bomb: Not only the characters but also the floor and breakable objects curse every time you either take a step or break something.
• Crack Fic: The clue is in the name.
• Excuse Plot: There is very little coherence in the story and plot doesn't even try to justify the insanity of the in-game world.
• Giant Medical Syringe: The scientists will try to "heal" you with these. Instead, it will lead to an Instant Death Stab.
• Foreign Cuss Word: The gopniks' constant Verbal Tic is Russian swear words.
• Herr Doktor: Several scientists, notably the one who conducts the experiment, have exaggerated raspy voices with an over-the-top accent.
• Informed Location: The mod claims to take place in Uganda, despite the fact that the surrounding environment is unchanged from the original game. The "Black Meat" announcer during the tram ride also still identifies the facility the mod takes place in as "Black Mesa".
• Lethal Joke Item: Almost all weapons have been overpowered to an absurd degree. For instance, the pistol is now a literal dick which does 200 damage per shot, and revolver is Heavy Weapons Guy's POW! which does 30,000 damage per shot. The MP5 hits More Dakka territory hard, allowing you to fire a barrage of grenades and reduce everything alive to bloody paste. The RPG (which now fires FUCKING NUKES) and the Egon gun (which plays Justin Bieber's Baby) both obliterate everything on the map including the player.
• Jump Scare: Approaching the guard at the sector B airlock will result in this.
• Lightning Bruiser: Chavs, who replace the zombies, run absurdly fast and hit just as hard as regular zombies do. Fortunately, with the mod's overpowered weapons, you can usually kill them quickly before they can even reach you.
• N-Word Privileges: And R-Word Privileges. As well as F-Word Privileges. Really, expect most given NPCs to throw around slurs like it's out of style.
• Sensory Abuse: All over the place. The Test Chamber alone can be a serious nightmare for someone unlucky enough to wear headphones.
• Those Wacky Nazis: Led by Hitler himself no less. Due to replacing vortigaunts but using animations of grunts, they fire green lasers at an alarmingly fast rate, making them very deadly when faced head on.
• Visual Pun: Bullsquid lives up to its "Bullchicken" code-name by having a literal chicken resting atop of it.
• Wicked Cultured: Gentlecrabs will talk politely and primly, even as they announce their intention to eat your body-parts.

Crack-Life: Campaign Mode

• Balance Buff: The Campaign Mode somewhat backpedals from the insanity that was the previous mod by Nerfing several weapons (mainly the revolver and rocket launcher) and also adding a bunch of faster, stronger, and bullet-spongier enemies.
• Big Bad: The Evil Scientist who pretends to be an ally and then tries to kill Greeman.
• Brick Joke: At the start, the guard who witnesses a scientist masturbate and then blow up in his face Goes Mad from the Revelation and decides to do something stupid before killing himself and lets Fordon pass. At the end, he shows up and follows through on his promise, blowing up himself along with the Big Bad.
• Butt-Monkey: The scientists are often slaughtered for the sake of Black Comedy.
• Dirty Communists: As a substitute for the Nazis in the previous installment, Microsoft Sam voiced Soviet grunts are the main antagonist force in the campaign.
• Giant Medical Syringe: Hostile scientists will attack Fordon with those.
• Giant Mook: The large version of the standard gopnik will appear as a boss at the end of the Autism Town section.
• Lightning Bruiser: This applies to many melee enemies; such as evil scientists, gopniks, and Pink Panthers.
• Kill and Replace: Fordon steals a scientist's hazard suit and kills said scientist when caught by him, allowing Fordon to disguise as him.
• Sensory Abuse: Just as much as in previous mod, but special mention goes to Pink Panthers.
• Stealth-Based Mission: The first section is a homage to Metal Gear Solid, which has you sneaking around guards after you escape prison. At that point you've yet to obtain your suit or any weapons, so getting caught is not an option.
  • A similar section happens after Fordon gets teleported into the Soviets' camp without weapons and has to find a glowing ammo crate while sneaking around the Soviets.
• Took a Level in Badass: After being the Butt-Monkeys for most of the game, the scientists become a full-fledged enemy who can give Greeman a run for his money.
• What the Hell, Player?: If you die, you'll be greeted by an angry message as result of your incompetence.
  "You died! Congrats fuckface!"
  "How the hell are you so bad at this game?!"
  "Game Over motherfucker! You suck!"
  "Oh my god, you suck! Auto-Uninstalling!"
  • If you try to kill certain scientists that are vital for your current objective or getting caught by one of the guards during the prison break, you'll earn a rather humorous Non-Standard Game Over:
  You dun goofed!
  • If you try to obtain the TNT within a trip mine maze only to detonate the said trip mines, you'll get the following message:
  Subject: Freeman
  Status: Fucked up
  Postmortem: Nice one, jackass.
• You Have Outlived Your Usefulness: After Greeman defeats the Soviet commander, the Evil Scientist turns on him and tries to kill him with turrets. Fortunately for Fordon, all the turrets inexplicably break down before they can kill him.

Crack-Life: Anniversary

• Automatic Crossbows: One of the new weapons is an SMG that is actually a semi-automatic crossbow.
• Camera Fiend: One new type of enemy is a scientist with a camera. He attacks everything around him and threatens to either upload it on Reddit or include it in a cringe compilation, which somehow does burn damage.
• Forklift Fu: One of the random spawning enemies are forklift drivers that want to lift everything to death, especially the player.
• Giant Medical Syringe: Scientists still use these as weapons, either defending themselves or attacking the player on random.
• Groin Attack: Microsoft SAM announcer mentions that Black Meat personnel need to attend compulsory cock-and-ball torture sessions regularly.
• Mad Scientist: This goes for basically every scientist, as they only run a highly unsafe and dangerous Black Meat facility, but can also randomly attack the player or someone else in the vicinity without provocation.
• Maniac Monkeys: A new section in "Anomalous Materials" involves an outbreak of monkeys that are used to make "monkey soup". Turns out it was orchestrated a traitorous scientist as a part of his plan to make humanity "return to monke".
• Neat Freak: Cleansuit scientists are obsessed with "trusting science" and defending themselves from Coronavirus, and will fire on anyone "unvaccinated" with a deadly disinfectant.
• Random Drop: Killing things with the scimitar will reward you with a random item or weapon.
• Teleport Spam: Fedora scientists love to teleport right behind you when you least expect it.
• Token Minority: Black scientist in the control room makes this claim about himself.
  "I'm just here to meet diversity quotas. Nobody really pays attention to me, even if they say that they care about individuals such as myself."
• Wicked Cultured: Just as their headcrab counterparts, gentle-zombies are prim and proper while also wanting to eat you.

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