Artie: Two-fers. Wow. You mean like you get a free spaghetti and meatballs if you bring another cheap comare douchebag in here? How 'bout an early bird special? Salad wagon? This is a fine dining establishment. I'll give it back to the bank before I turn into a fucking IHOP!
Both mobs have joined together to celebrate Gerry Torciano and Burt Gervasi becoming made men. Silvio notes that Artie's game as a chef has "being off lately" as the men at the dinner wait impatiently for just the appetizers. Phil expresses outrage over his assumption that Tony is going to tolerate Vito's homosexuality.
Carlo promises to track down Vito with any resources at his disposal. Chris gets Tony's support, albeit grudgingly, to fly to L.A. to begin production of his movie. Chris and Little Carmine try to get Ben Kingsley to play the villain in their movie project, but the actor can't stand to be in the same room as the pair and eventually turns them down.
Italo and Salvatore, professional hitmen from Tony's allies in Naples, arrive by plane. Their contact is Corky Caporale. Although Corky is a drug addict, he's fluent in both English and Italian, which allows him to provide instructions for the hit on Rusty Millio. The pair of assassins set a trap by blocking Rusty's car as he's about to pull out, and then Italo pretending he's a lost tourist who needs directions. Tricking Rusty and his bodyguard into fixing their attention on the map allows Salvatore to sneak up from behind and take out the bodyguard with a headshot. Rusty is promptly shot to death as well.
Chris and Little Carmine attend a Luxury Lounge event with Kingsley, where free perks are given to A-list celebrities in anticipation of upcoming award shows. Chris tries to ingratiate himself enough with Kingsley to get into another Lounge event, but Kingsley refuses to pull any strings for that as well. Chris, while wearing a balaclava, settles for robbing Lauren Bacall of her perks as she's leaving the next event.
Artie's restaurant business is going into decline for a number of reasons. One is that a new and upcoming chef named Giovanni has established a rival restaurant that is giving Artie serious competition, and so far coming out on top. Another reason is that Artie has developed the habit of chatting up customers at the expense of running the kitchen itself, and to the point of driving customers away. Charmaine tries to warn him, but he won't listen.
A third problem is that Benny (secretly aided and abetted by Vesuvio hostess Martina) is lifting credit card numbers from customers and selling them to Ahmed and Muhammad. A complicating factor is that Artie is attracted to Martina, but becomes spiteful in his treatment of her when it's obvious she has no interest in him and is seeing Benny. Agents from American Express then arrive and close down Artie's privilege of charging to their cards. Artie ends up buckling under the stress of everything and launches into a tirade at his whole staff. His frustrations show when he also shoots a rabbit that had been eating his gardened Arugula.
A staff member named Sandy reports to Artie that Martina showed off expensive Italian designer shoes to the rest of the staff, giving herself away as the scammer. Artie fires Martina, who then tears into Artie for leering at her and mistreating her just because she wouldn't put out for him.
Artie then confronts Benny at his house. It escalates into a physical confrontation, where Artie manages to get the upper hand and beats Benny to a pulp. Tony tears a strip off of Artie for taking matters into his own hands instead of coming to Tony first. Tony then resolves the dispute by letting Benny off the hook for having run a scam on Artie's restaurant that Tony did not authorize, and obliging Benny to have his parents' anniversary party at Artie's restaurant to help relieve Artie's financial stress.
Artie, at the party itself, makes a cruel remark to Benny about enjoying a "Martina" that "goes down easy", and in front of Benny's wife. Benny retaliates by following Artie into the kitchen and dunking Artie's hand into boiling sauce. Tony, sometime later, gives Artie some Brutal Honesty about the need to better manage the restaurant.
Chris returns from LA. Tony now more than ever questions Chris' dedication to his responsibilities as a Capo, especially as the whole conflict between Artie and Benny occurred on Chris' watch, and in his absence.
Artie has internalized the advice given to him by Tony, however painful. When he realizes he needs to prepare meals for the last customers of the night, and despite a supply shortage, he pulls out an old-school style recipe collection. He throws himself completely into preparing the rabbit he had shot earlier as a gourmet meal.
The episode ends with Italo and Salvatore making their return trip to Italy. Italo has bought a gift watch for his mother. Salvator has bought Mont Blanc pens.
Tropes:
- Adam Westing:
- When Christopher pitches his idea for Cleaver to Sir Ben Kingsley, the actor is aloof and completely disinterested in anything Christopher's saying. So instead, they ultimately have to settle for Daniel Baldwin.
- Lauren Bacall seems nice at first but turns out to have quite a dirty mouth (granted, she was being mugged at the time, but it's quite hilariously shocking to hear the F-word coming from her).
- As Himself: Ben Kingsley and Lauren Bacall, and very briefly Wilmer Valderrama.
- Bad Boss:
- Artie stops himself short of forcing Martina to put out to keep her job. But he insists on making her working life miserable because she's obviously anything but interested in him.
- Then there's his tirade against the whole staff after he's paid a visit by American Express agents.
- Because You Were Nice to Me: Had anybody else made a Jerkass comment to Tony about his "shot-up pancreas", Tony would have either killed him on the spot or given him a No-Holds-Barred Beatdown. And the only reason Tony doesn't do it to Artie is that they go back as Childhood Friends. But even then, you can tell Tony was thinking about it.
- Black Market: Artie apparently smuggles Arugula seeds into the US in his shaving kit.
- Blatant Lies:
- Tony to Artie on the food at Giovanni's: "It's nothing special, believe me".
- Ben Kingsley to Chris, Jay is working on that meeting "right now".
- Chris to Tony: "He was all over us, but I don't think he's right".
- Boom, Headshot!: Edward Pietro gets one from behind by Salvatore.
- Butt-Monkey: Pretty much nothing goes for Artie the way he'd like it to.
- Call-Back:
- Artie still has some simmering resentments over when Tony wiped away his own tab owing to Artie.
- Tony admonishes Benny telling him that "You don't shit where you eat"
- Continuity Nod:
- Tony reminds Artie about the time his family found refuge and happily dined at Nuovo Vesuvio during a heavy storm, which happened in "I Dream of Jeannie Cusamano".
- Christopher reminds Tony about the "huge sacrifice" made for him (turning on Adriana) in "Long Term Parking".
- Cool Shades: Chris thinks he's got this going on while he's in LA.
- Creator Cameo: David Chase is shown sitting across the aisle from Salvatore and Italo on the return flight to Italy, possibly playing the same Italian man he cameoed as in Season 2's "Commendatori".
- Didn't Think This Through: It never occurs to Artie that assaulting and later insulting a mobster is going to have serious repercussions.
- Dirty Coward: Takes a lot of balls for Chris to punch an old woman like Lauren Bacall while he's wearing a balaclava.
- Double Meaning: Artie's legendary zinger, "they go down real easy, right Ben?" could be a nod to both Martina being an easy lay and how easily Benny himself went down in his fight against Artie. One could even give it a third meaning if applying it to oral sex (go down/"going down").
- Epic Fail:
- Chris and Little Carmine's attempt to court Ben Kingsley for their movie project.
- Chris' attempt to get into another Luxury Lounge event as well.
- Et Tu, Brute?: Artie feels betrayed by Tony dining out at Giovanni's restaurant and by Martina being the one stealing the credit card data.
- Even Evil Has Loved Ones: Tony does what he can to help Artie's mental and financial state improve and also protects him from Benny.
- Extra! Extra! Read All About It!: Chris reads about his own rolling of Lauren Bacall in the tabloid after the fact.
- Family Honor: Phil sees himself as having a special stake in taking out Vito for being homosexual, as Vito is married to Phil's own cousin, Marie.
- Flipping the Bird: Martina gives Artie one when she realizes she's about to get fired.
- Foreshadowing:
- Italo points out to Salvatore on a map in Italian: "That's where the Twin Towers were". An obvious reference to upcoming arcs that tie in with The War on Terror.
- Artie notes that Benny likes to sit in the same spot all the time.
- Functional Addict: Corky Caporale, although barely. His fluency in Italian is just enough to make him useful as an occasional Bunny-Ears Lawyer. He does manage to act as an effective go-between to enable Italo and Salvatore to carry out the hit on Rusty.
- Genius Bruiser: Italo pretends he's lost and in need of directions, which keeps Rusty and Edward his bodyguard fixated on the map. Salvatore sneaks up from behind and takes out Edward with a Boom, Headshot!. RIP Rusty.
- Green-Eyed Epiphany: Artie has the hots for Martina. And a lot of his actions are out of spite towards Benny and Martina, who are seeing each other.
- He's Back!: Artie takes Tony's brutally honest advice to heart, and rededicates himself to making the best use of his cooking skills. He uses the rabbit he shot previously, pulls out an old-school collection of recipes, and throws himself into preparing a rabbit dish for the last customers of the night.
- Heteronormative Crusader: Carlo? Absolutely. Phil? Very much so.
- Hiding Behind the Language Barrier: A couple of the cooks try to mock Artie among themselves in Italian, but Artie picks up that they must surely be saying something negative about him.
- Hired Guns: Italo and Salvatore, flown in from Naples and on contract to carry out a surgical hit on Rusty.
- Hookers and Blow: What else do you expect from Chris once he's off Tony's leash and in LA?
- I Gave My Word: Subverted. Tony doesn't fully buy that he agreed to Chris' movie project, as he had still been in the throes of a Convenient Coma at the time.
- I Need to Go Iron My Dog: Ben Kingsley can't wait to leave Chris and Little Carmine in his rear-view mirror, so he declares that he has an appointment in the "Luxury Lounge". Even when the duo offer to walk with him, he speedwalks away from them while they're trying to gather their things. And even as they follow him around in the said lounge, he carries on with his own thing and just flat out ignores everything they say to the extent that he can.
- Informed Flaw: Tony still views Little Carmine as "retarded".
- Jerkass:
- The stress of his own failing restaurant business, combined with his own unrequited crush on Martina, turns Artie into a grade-A asshole who loses respect before anyone who knows him or works for him.
- Special mention for him asking Benny if he'd like a "Martina", and saying that the "Martina" "goes down easy", and in front of Benny's wife no less.
- Kick the Dog: Even though Benny was very much in the wrong for ripping off Artie and not telling him about it, Benny indigently burns Artie's hand in retaliation.
- Kids Are Cruel: Vito Jr. is getting bullied just on the rumors of his father being gay.
- Large Ham:
- Phil, when he voices his displeasure on the assumption that Tony is going to tolerate Vito's homosexuality.
- Artie has developed a habit of being one to his customers as well, but it's detrimental to his business. Tony eventually gets around to verbally smacking some sense into him.
- Laser-Guided Karma:
- Artie makes another jab at Benny by asking if he'd like a "Martina", mentioning that the "Martina" "goes down easy", and in front of Benny's wife no less. So, Benny follows Artie into the kitchen and holds Artie's hand in boiling sauce for more than a few moments.
- Ben Kingsley gives Chris a Smug Smile on the airplane as well. He's letting Chris know that his own snubs of Chris for the movie script and the Luxury Lounge event made Chris desperate enough to roll Lauren Bacall.
- The Loins Sleep Tonight: Tony hasn't recovered enough from his surgeries to partake in one of his favorite pastimes, at least for now ...
- Malicious Misnaming: A downplayed example, and in the absence of the target. Silvio refers to Chris as "Cecil B. DeMoltisanti" as a play on Cecil B. DeMille, which shows how much Silvio thinks of Chris' movie-making aspirations.
- Married to the Job: Subverted. Tony is concerned that Chris' movie ambitions are a distraction from his own responsibilities as a Capo. He gives permission for Chris to go to LA, but very reluctantly. Sure enough, the drama between Artie and Benny plays out in Chris' absence. And that leaves Tony even more concerned that the movie thing has Chris "out of focus".
- Mistreatment-Induced Betrayal: While Martina and Benny would have run the credit card scam anyway, Martina flat out tells Artie that him being a Jerkass Bad Boss and always being under his Male Gaze made it that much easier for her.
- Never My Fault: Artie is in denial about his own antics and slipping standards leading to a downturn in his restaurant business. At least until Tony snaps him out of it.
- Obfuscating Stupidity: Sort of. Italo pretends to be a tourist who is completely lost and in need of directions to set the trap for Rusty and his bodyguard.
- Pet the Dog:
- Tony lets Chris make his trip to LA, despite some serious reservations about the whole thing.
- He also shows leniency to Benny despite the latter pulling a scam on the restaurant owned by his Childhood Friend without his authorization.
- He also obliges Benny to have his parents' anniversary party held at Artie's restaurant, to help relieve Artie's financial stress.
- He sees how unhappy Artie is and tries to help change this by getting him into therapy.
- Professional Butt-Kisser: Chris and Little Carmine kiss plenty of Ben Kingsley ass. It doesn't have the desired result.
- Professional Killers: Italo and Salvatore, reputed to be the "best tailors" of Tony's Napoli allies.
- Rage Breaking Point: Because Tony won't allow Benny to clip him, he resignedly accepts Artie's earlier beating of him and allows Artie to serve him. But then Artie pushes his luck by referencing Benny's affair with Martina, right in front of Benny's wife. In response, Benny burns Artie's hand in a boiling pot of tomato sauce, getting some sort of retribution for the beating.
- Real-Person Cameo: Lauren Bacall.
- Reasonable Authority Figure: Tony more or less manages to find a resolution to the conflict between Artie and Benny before it goes much further, more or less...
- "The Reason You Suck" Speech:
- Martina gives a nasty one to Artie, letting him know that he brought her Mistreatment-Induced Betrayal on himself by being a Jerkass Bad Boss and putting her under his constant Male Gaze. She pours salt on the wound by saying Benny and herself laugh at him among themselves after hours.
- Tony gives him one as well, based on Brutal Honesty about Artie's need to take responsibility for his role in his restaurant's problems. Like for example, stick to his strengths in the kitchen and stop being a Large Ham to the customers.
- Right for the Wrong Reasons: While Artie did have a legitimate reason to be upset at Benny, one can't help but wonder if their confrontation had more to do with Martina than with the credit card scam.
- The Rival: Giovanni's restaurant is acquiring a reputation in its own right, to the point of now overshadowing Artie's restaurant.
- Rule of Symbolism:
- Artie shoots dead a rabbit that was eating his gardened Arugula. Does it symbolize what he'd like to do to Tony? Call-Back to when he actually did have Tony at the business end of his gun but spared Tony? And later on, symbolism for what he'd like to do to Benny as well?
- Watches become pretty frequent in the episode. Chris pined for the perks of the Luxury Lounge events, watches included. A symbol of his Green-Eyed Monster and Social Climber tendencies when painfully realizing nobody took him seriously in LA? The spat between Artie and Benny took place on his "watch"? Watches as a Chekhov's Gift than can help settle conflicts? Italo brings home a gift watch for his mother on the return trip to Italy. A symbol of Salvatore and himself being Consummate Professional assassins who always carry out their jobs to the t?
- Shout-Out: Tony makes a tip of the hat to the first CSI show while discussing possibilities with Carlo for tracking Vito down.
- Small Name, Big Ego:
- Chris and Little Carmine have the delusional belief that the biggest names in Hollywood are tripping over themselves to get in on their movie project. Ben Kingsley regards it as beneath him to even meet the duo, forget actually taking part in their movie project.
- The duo's lack of self-awareness gets lampshaded when they tell each other that they think "things are going very well".
- Smug Smiler:
- Chris wears one after reading about his own rolling of Lauren Bacall in the news.
- Moments later, Ben Kingsley gives one to Chris on the airplane.
- Special Guest: Ben Kingsley and Lauren Bacall.
- The Starscream: Johnny Sack ordered the hit on Rusty on the assumption that Rusty was going to try and find another puppet so that he could run the family as the Man Behind the Man.
- Stealing from the Hotel: Not quite the same thing, but the concept is close enough. Chris is fascinated by the free doling out of expensive perks at the Luxury Lounge event. He tries to get Ben Kingsley to get him into another one, but that's also an Epic Fail. When that doesn't work, he settles for mugging Lauren Bacall.
- Stealing from the Till: Benny and Martina have a scam of lifting credit card numbers from Artie's customers, and selling them to Ahmed and Muhammad.
- Suddenly Shouting: Artie initially tries to speak congenially with the restaurant staff about the credit card fraud. But once his staff members give him back talk, he really loses it on them, complete with a Cluster F-Bomb and Tantrum Throwing.
- Supreme Chef: A large part of the episode focuses on Artie's game "being off lately" and losing business to a rival restaurant that's building enough rep to take away his customers.
- Suspicious Spending: One of Artie's employees, Sandy, figures out that Martina is running the credit card scam because Martina is wearing expensive Italian designer shoes that should be well beyond her affordability.
- Title Drop: By Ben Kingsley, and then later by Chris when he wants to help himself.
- Took a Level in Badass: Artie manages to totally beat the shit out of Benny, an experienced and dangerous gangster. A complete turnaround from "Everybody Hurts", when Artie embarrassingly got his ass handed to him by French scammer Jean-Phillipe.
- Took a Level in Kindness: Both Tony and Charmaine have lost their past abrasiveness. They still make their opinions and wishes count, but they are noticeably nicer about it. Charmaine even shares a boat trip with Artie aboard the Sopranos yacht.
- You Owe Me: Tony feels Chris has overplayed his giving up Adriana as The Mole a few too many times.
