Quotes / Vitriolic Best Buds

"Stupid best friend Flanders!"
Homer Simpson, The Simpsons

Church: O'Malley, from now on, if anyone's going to make [Tex] cranky in the morning, it's gonna be me.
Tex: Aww, how sweet.
Church: Shut up, bitch.
Tex: Asshole.

"Snake, in China they say, 'Though brothers may quarrel at home, outside they defend each other from slight.'"

Black Mage: I have a friend.
White Mage: What you have is a highly dysfunctional relationship based exclusively on abuse
Black Mage: Right. A friend.
White Mage: See that, that right there, that's what's wrong with you.
Black Mage: Damnit, Fighter. White Mage doesn't like me because you're a rotten friend.

Dorothy: I can't believe I'm about to say this, but listen to Rochefort. He's our only hope right not and...feels so gross coming out of my mouth.
Owen: Aw, thanks Castlemore. You make me sick too.
Dorothy: I try.

Justin Taylor: I hate you!
Eddie McDowd: Justin, hate is a very strong word.

Just because I give you crap doesn't mean I hate you. If I hated you, I wouldn't talk to you at all.

Levan smiled. "When I hear two people spar like that, I am certain that there is actually a profound affection between them."
"Oh, God," said Rubin, visibly revolted. His sparse beard bristled and his eyes, magnified through the thick lenses of his glasses, glared.
"You've hit it, Mr. Levan," said Gonzalo. "Manny would give me the shirt off his back if no one were looking. The only thing he wouldn't give me is a kind word."
Isaac Asimov, "The Wrong House"

Chi: ...I just realized that I don't think of you as a friend at all.
Christopher: W-what?! Does that mean you think of me as a lover, then?!
Chi: You're someone I'd love to kill, but circumstances prevent me from doing so. For almost four decades now, come to think of it...

Edward: So ... what do I do when I run into Reggie again? I mean, I came this close to reorganizing his landscape.
Thomas: Suck it up. Apologize. Be the bigger man. Heh. Metaphorically.
Edward: Right. How are you my friend again?
Thomas: My abuse is playful and originates from genuine caring.

Hobbes: You know, maybe we don't need enemies.
Calvin: Yeah, best friends are about all I can take.

But Calvin and Hobbes were still best friends, and that would never change.
No matter how much one ticked the other off.

Hobbes, as we all know, is Calvin's closest friend, and not just because they have to share a bed. Despite a truckload of arguments and disagreements, Calvin and Hobbes are both dependent on each other. Calvin sometimes needs Hobbes to bring him back down to Earth when he gets too overconfident and Hobbes needs Calvin to keep his life interesting. Oh, and he also needs Calvin for tuna.

Carver: Varric.
Varric: Carver.
Carver: Still think you're helping while burying us in debt to your brother?
Varric: Still riding side-saddle while bitching at your betters?
Carver: Drinks later?
Varric: Never miss 'em.

Robert: I swear, if I wasn't your King, you would have hit me already.
Ned: The worst thing about your coronation is that I can never hit you again.
[Robert's squire struggles with his breastplate when Ned enters the tent.]
Squire: It was made too small, your grace. It won't go.
Robert: Your mother was a dumb whore with a fat arse, did you know that? [to Ned] Look at this idiot! One ball and no brains! He can't even put a man's armour on properly!
Ned: [matter-of-fact] You're too fat for your armour.
Robert: Fat? Fat, is it?! Is that how you speak to your king?!!
[Ned and Robert stare at one another. Ned smirks. Robert bursts out laughing. Ned follows, and then nervously, the Squire.]
Robert: [grimly] That's funny, is it?
Squire: No, your Grace.
Robert: No?! You don't like the Hand's joke?!
Squire: [dumb-founded]
Ned: You're torturing the poor boy.
Robert: You heard the Hand: the king is too fat for his armour! Go find the breast-plate-stretcher! Now!
[The squire flees]
Ned: 'The breast-plate-stretcher'?
Robert: How long before he figures it out?
Ned: Maybe I should invent it.

Jon: You're the worst possible friend a man could have.
Phillip: I hate you too, buddy. I hate you too.

Walt: How are you doing Martin, you crazy Italian prick?
Barber Martin: Walt, your cheap bastard. I should have know you should come in right now. I was having such a pleasant time.
Walt: What did you do, cheat some blind man out of his money, gave him the wrong change?
Barber Martin: Who's the nip?
Walt: Oh, he is a pussy kid from next door. I am just trying to Man him up a little bit.
Barber Martin: Hmm...
Walt: You see kid, that's how guys talk to one another.
Thao: ...they do?
Barber Martin: What, you got chip in your ears?
Walt: Go on out, and come back in and talk to him like a real man.
Thao: [Exits and re-enters the shop] Excuse me Sir, I need a haircut if you ain't too busy you old Italian son of a bitch prick barber. Boy, does my ass hurt from all of the guys at my construction job.
Barber Martin: [Picks up and point a rifle at Thao] Get out of my shop before I blow your head off, you goddamn dick sucker! Go!
Walt: What the hell are you doing?! You just don't go in and insult a man in his own shop!


"whereas i will offer dave a tender bro embrace, and shove karkat down a flight of friendship stairs."
John from Homestuck discussing his plans for meeting up with his friends

Wonder Woman: What about us? Are we good?
Hawkgirl: Like oil and vinegar. We go together, but we don't mix.
Wonder Woman: Works for me.

"Eiji and I may have different objectives, and we may undermine each other... but at least we're honest about it."
Ankh, Kamen Rider OOO

Kel: I can't believe my best friend is a son of a bandit.
Kenan: I can't believe my best friend is a doofus.

No, Daffy always comes back. I just tell him how much I need him. We hug, we cry, I drop something heavy on him, I laugh.

Who else but a bosom buddy will tell you how rotten you are?

Spider-Man: Wow, Supes must mean a lot for you to go to all this trouble to find him.
Batman: 'Supes' is a headstrong, naive idiot without the least bit of common sense in these situations.
Spider-Man: [laughs]
Batman: But only I'm allowed to say that.
Spider-Man: [meekly] Yes, sir.

Wrex: Garrus...I have to make friends with the one turian in the galaxy who thinks he's funny.
Garrus: Imagine how I feel. I'm supposed to hate krogan, but you came along and warmed my heart with your winning personality.
Wrex: I could throw a few salarians off a cliff if it'll make you feel better.

Skwisgaar Skwigelf: I will sees you in Vallhalska...
Toki Wartooth: I've always hated you Skwisgaar.
Skwisgaar Skwigelf: I knows Toki... I knows.

A good friend helps you up when you trip. A best friend laughs at your ass and trips you again.
—An old joke

Look how we get along together. (You are incredibly annoying)
I think it's great the way we blend. (You're like a bone stuck in my throat)
You've tried to be as tough as leather. (This isn't something I'm enjoying).
But now I see that's just pretend. (I shoulda left you on that boat!)
We'll find our way through stormy weather. (You want a friend? Go find a snail!)
Just you and me right to the end. (Or better yet, Killer Whale!)
Hey buddy, looks like we're two birds of a feather. (Don't call me buddy!)
And, gee, it looks like I got me a friend!

Cause we're frenemies
We like disliking one another
Cause we're frenemies
He's like my least favorite brother!
Buford and Baljeet, Phineas and Ferb, "Lotsa Latkes"

Their relationship is a bit complicated. When they're together, they can't stop bickering each other, but when they're separated, they really get bored.
David Ramirez, about Victor and Frank's relationship.

No, you guys don't need to kill me more. Chugga needs to kill me more. You guys are fine.

Sonic: What's up, Shadow!
Shadow: Not you again.
Sonic: Nice to see you, too.

Scott: How did you know that?
Kyle: Because we're his friends.
Scott: Then why are you telling me?
Kyle: Because we hate him.

Strong Bad: I thought we were bros!
Homestar Runner: Wait, I thought I thought we were bros, and you're always beating various stuffings out of me.
Strong Bad's Cool Game for Attractive People, "Episode 2: Strong Badia The Free"

Genis: "Um, what exactly is the relationship between you two, anyway?"
Sheena: "Insufferable!"
Zelos: "Insufferable yet inseparable!"
Tales of Symphonia OVA Tethe'alla Chapter

Gen: You can't kill me! I'm your best friend!
Usagi: Grrrr... So you keep telling me!

Kitty Pryde: Disappointed, Ms. Frost?
Emma Frost: Astonished, Ms. Pryde.

Yugi: No, I was talking about the time I saved you from that bully!
Joey: Oh... eh, no, no I don't remember that.
Yugi: But I was all heroic and stuff...
Joey: ...Hey, remember the time me and Tristan took your millennium puzzle?
Tristan and Joey from flashback: Tooooormeeeeeent!
Yugi: ...Remind me why we're friends again?

"The things I do for friends I can't stand."
Taskmaster referring to Deadpool

If Im not being emotionally abused then how do I know its friendship?
Jonasson, creator of Two Guys and Guy commenting on strip 084

Flavius (about Spock and McCoy): Are they enemies?
Kirk: I'm not sure they're sure.
Star Trek: The Original Series, "Bread and Circuses."

Quark: I hear you're taking a little trip to the Gamma Quadrant.
Odo: (dying on his feet) Care to come along?
Quark: Are you kidding? I expect to own this station by the time you get back. With you gone profits from smuggling alone should go up sixty percent.
Odo: Well, don't get used to it, I'll be back before you know it, making your life miserable.
Quark: Then you are coming back.
Odo: Count on it.
Quark: I will.
Star Trek: Deep Space Nine, "Broken Link"

Goku: Hey Vegeta, we're friends now, right?
Vegeta: F**k off.
Goku: The best!

My Ally advantage and Archenemy flaw can't both represent the same person.

Shes a flighty good time buddy in the corner of the bar
But shed fight the Devil for ya just for being who you are
And shes the last to cast a stone though shed love to leave you mad
Aw shes every friend Ive ever had
— "Every Girl" by Turnpike Troubadours

Everyone has at least one dear old friend they generally just can't stand, and for Yuuno and Chrono, this was each other. There were Best Enemies Forever.
Infinity, Chapter 38

Yamanaka: [Komori and I] just looked close because we're both kind people.
Ootoni: You're not kind to me.
Yamanaka: That's because you're my best friend.

He's a good buddy, though we sometimes have punch-ups.
Rick Dagless on Lucien Sanchez, Garth Marenghis Darkplace

Who said that opposites attract?
They probably think the world is flat
'Cause you and I are opposites
And all we do is fight...

So I'm here at the junction
And this time it's the end.
We're opposites
We're idiots
But we're still friends.
—"Opposites Attract" by Joey Scarburynote 

"Me and Carlo have a unique partnership in a good way. We are not traditional friends. If we did not have this company, or these shows, we would not hang out with each other. We would most likely hate each other. We kinda do hate each other."

"Danse may have a stick up his backside, but he's our pal."

You're a real bitch, you know that? Luna said.

An' yer a cunt, Applejack said smirking. The two of them looked at each other for a second, and then embraced one another, Ah missed ya

Cowley: You've never told me about Bodie. I made you a team, what, two years ago?
Doyle: Two years and three months.
Cowley: That's long enough.
Doyle: Long enough for what?
Cowley: For him to get up your nose, irritate you.
Doyle: [smiling] Oh, he does that, all right. Every day, he does that.
Cowley: Chalk and cheese, eh?
Doyle: Yeah.
Cowley: Ah, it's worked well, though.
Doyle: Yeah, I've watched his back, he's watched mine. We're both still alive.
The Professionals, "Close Quarters"

Min: I hate you.
Noelle: I hate you too.
Min: Good, none of that Disney shit.