Quotes: Vitriolic Best Buds

"Stupid best friend Flanders!"
Homer Simpson

Church: O'Malley, from now on, if anyone's going to make [Tex] cranky in the morning, it's gonna be me.
Tex: Aww, how sweet.
Church: Shut up, bitch.
Tex: Asshole.
Red vs. Blue

"Snake, in China they say, 'Though brothers may quarrel at home, outside they defend each other from slight.'"
Mei Ling, Super Smash Bros. Brawl

Black Mage: I have a friend.
White Mage: What you have is a highly dysfunctional relationship based exclusively on abuse
Black Mage: Right. A friend.
White Mage: See that, that right there, that's what's wrong with you.
Black Mage: Damnit, Fighter. White Mage doesn't like me because you're a rotten friend.
8-Bit Theater

Justin Taylor: I hate you!
Eddie McDowd: Justin, hate is a very strong word.
100 Deeds For Eddie McDowd

Just because I give you crap doesn't mean I hate you. If I hated you, I wouldn't talk to you at all.

Levan smiled. "When I hear two people spar like that, I am certain that there is actually a profound affection between them."
"Oh, God," said Rubin, visibly revolted. His sparse beard bristled and his eyes, magnified through the thick lenses of his glasses, glared.
"You've hit it, Mr. Levan," said Gonzalo. "Manny would give me the shirt off his back if no one were looking. The only thing he wouldn't give me is a kind word."
Isaac Asimov, "The Wrong House"

Chi: ...I just realized that I don't think of you as a friend at all.
Christopher: W-what?! Does that mean you think of me as a lover, then?!
Chi: You're someone I'd love to kill, but circumstances prevent me from doing so. For almost four decades now, come to think of it...
1933 - The Slash: Bloody to Fair

Edward: So ... what do I do when I run into Reggie again? I mean, I came this close to reorganizing his landscape.
Thomas: Suck it up. Apologize. Be the bigger man. Heh. Metaphorically.
Edward: Right. How are you my friend again?
Thomas: My abuse is playful and originates from genuine caring.
Between Failures 437, "Playful Abuse"

Hobbes: You know, maybe we don't need enemies.
Calvin: Yeah, best friends are about all I can take.
Calvin and Hobbes

But Calvin and Hobbes were still best friends, and that would never change.
No matter how much one ticked the other off.
Calvin and Hobbes: The Series, "The Case of the Rogue Water Balloon"

Hobbes, as we all know, is Calvin's closest friend, and not just because they have to share a bed. Despite a truckload of arguments and disagreements, Calvin and Hobbes are both dependent on each other. Calvin sometimes to bring Hobbes back down to Earth when he gets too overconfident and Hobbes needs Calvin to keep his life interesting. Oh, and he also needs Calvin for tuna.
Calvin and Hobbes: The Series, "Tales of a Tiger"

Varric: Carver.
Carver: Still think you're helping while bearing us in debt to your brother?
Varric: Still riding side-saddle while bitching at your betters?
Carver: Drinks later?
Varric: Never miss 'em.
Dragon Age II

Robert: I swear, if I wasn't your King, you would have hit me already.
Ned: The worst thing about your coronation is that I can never hit you again.
[Robert's squire struggles with his breastplate when Ned enters the tent.]
Squire: It was made too small, your grace. It won't go.
Robert: Your mother was a dumb whore, with a fat arse! [to Ned] Look at this idiot! He can't even put a man's armour on properly!
Ned: [matter-of-fact] You're too fat for your armour.
Robert: Fat? Fat, is it?! Is that how you speak to your king?!!
[Ned and Robert stare at one another. Ned smirks. Robert bursts out laughing. Ned follows, and then nervously, the Squire.]
Robert: [grimly] That's funny, is it?
Squire: No, your Grace.
Robert: No?! You don't like the Hand's joke?!
Squire: [dumb-founded]
Robert: You heard the Hand: the king is too fat for his armour! Go find the breast-plate-stretcher! Go!
[The squire flees]
Ned: 'The breast-plate-stretcher'?
Robert: How long before he figures it out?
Ned: Maybe I should invent it.
Game of Thrones

Jon: You're the worst possible friend a man could have.
Phillip: I hate you too, buddy. I hate you too.

Walt: How are you doing Martin, you crazy Italian prick?
Barber Martin: Walt, your cheap bastard. I should have know you should come in right now. I was having such a pleasant time.
Walt: What did you do, cheat some blind man out of his money, gave him the wrong change?
Barber Martin: Whos the nip?
Walt: Oh, he is a pussy kid from next door. I am just trying to Man him up a little bit.
Barber Martin: Hmm...
Walt: You see kid, thats how guys talk to one another.
Thao: ...they do?
Barber Martin: What, you got chip in your ears?
Walt: Go on out, and come back in and talk to him like a real man.
Thao: [Exits and re-enters the shop] Excuse me Sir, I need a haircut if you ain't too busy you old Italian son of a bitch prick barber. Boy, does my ass hurt from all of the guys at my construction job
Barber Martin: [Picks up and point a rifle at Thao] Get out of my shop before I blow your head off, you goddamn dick sucker! Go!
Walt: What the hell are you doing?! You just don't go in and insult a man in his own shop!
Gran Torino

gallowsCalibrator (sic) to Rose Lalonde, Homestuck

"whereas i will offer dave a tender bro embrace, and shove karkat down a flight of friendship stairs."
John from Homestuck discussing his plans for meeting up with his friends

Wonder Woman: What about us? Are we good?
Hawkgirl: Like oil and vinegar. We go together, but we don't mix.
Wonder Woman: Works for me.
Justice League Unlimited

"Eiji and I may have different objectives, and we may undermine each other... but at least we're honest about it."
Ankh, Kamen Rider OOO

Kel: I can't believe my best friend is a son of a bandit.
Kenan: I can't believe my best friend is a doofus.
Kenan & Kel

No, Daffy always comes back. I just tell him how much I need him. We hug, we cry, I drop something heavy on him, I laugh.
Bugs Bunny, Looney Tunes: Back in Action

Who else but a bosom buddy will tell you how rotten you are?

Spider-Man: Wow, Supes must mean a lot for you to go to all this trouble to find him.
Batman: 'Supes' is a headstrong, naive idiot without the least bit of common sense in these situations.
Spider-Man: [laughs]
Batman: But only I'm allowed to say that.
Spider-Man: [meekly] Yes, sir.

Wrex: Garrus...I have to make friends with the one turian in the galaxy who thinks he's funny.
Garrus: Imagine how I feel. I'm supposed to hate krogan, but you came along and warmed my heart with your winning personality.
Mass Effect 3

Skwisgaar Skwigelf: I will sees you in Vallhalska...
Toki Wartooth: I've always hated you Skwisgaar.
Skwisgaar Skwigelf: I knows Toki... I knows.

A good friend helps you up when you trip. A best friend laughs at your ass and trips you again.
An old joke

Look how we get along together. (You are incredibly annoying)
I think it's great the way we blend. (You're like a bone stuck in my throat)
You've tried to be as tough as leather. (This isn't something I'm enjoying).
But now I see that's just pretend. (I shoulda left you on that boat!)
We'll find our way through stormy weather. (You want a friend? Go find a snail!)
Just you and me right to the end. (Or better yet, Killer Whale!)
Hey buddy, looks like we're two birds of a feather. (Don't call me buddy!)
And, gee, it looks like I got me a friend!

The Pebble and the Penguin

Cause we're frenemies
We like disliking one another
Cause we're frenemie s
He's like my least favorite brother!

Buford and Baljeet, Phineas and Ferb, "Lotsa Latkes"

Their relationship is a bit complicated. When they're together, they can't stop bickering each other, but when they're separated, they really get bored.
David Ramirez, about Victor and Frank's relationship.

No, you guys don't need to kill me more. Chugga needs to kill me more. You guys are fine.
ProtonJon, The Runaway Guys

Sonic: What's up, Shadow!
Shadow: Not you again.
Sonic: Nice to see you, too.
Shadow the Hedgehog

Scott: How did you know that?
Kyle: Because we're his friends.
Scott: Then why are you telling me?
Kyle: Because we hate him.
South Park

Strong Bad: I thought we were bros!
Homestar Runner: Wait, I thought I thought we were bros, and you're always beating various stuffings out of me.
Strong Bad's Cool Game for Attractive People, "Episode 2: Strong Badia The Free"

Genis: "Um, what exactly is the relationship between you two, anyway?"
Sheena: "Insufferable!"
Zelos: "Insufferable yet inseparable!"
Tales of Symphonia OVA Tethe'alla Chapter

Gen: You can't kill me! I'm your best friend!
Usagi: Grrrr... So you keep telling me!
Usagi Yojimbo

Kitty Pryde: Disappointed, Ms. Frost?
Emma Frost: Astonished, Ms. Pryde.

Yugi: No, I was talking about the time I saved you from that bully!
Joey: Oh... eh, no, no I don't remember that.
Yugi: But I was all heroic and stuff...
Joey: ...Hey, remember the time me and Tristan took your millennium puzzle?
Tristan and Joey from flashback: Tooooormeeeeeent!
Yugi: ...Remind me why we're friends again?
Yu-Gi-Oh! The Abridged Series Episode 3

"The things I do for friends I can't stand."
Taskmaster referring to Deadpool

If Im not being emotionally abused then how do I know its friendship?
Jonasson, creator of Two Guys and Guy commenting on strip 084

Flavius (about Spock and McCoy): Are they enemies?
Kirk: I'm not sure they're sure.
Star Trek: The Original Series, "Bread and Circuses."

Goku: Hey Vegeta, we're friends now, right?
Vegeta: F**k off.
Goku: The best!
Dragon Ball Z Abridged

My Ally advantage and Archenemy flaw can't both represent the same person.
Things Mr Welch Is No Longer Allowedto Doinan RPG #1444

Shes a flighty good time buddy in the corner of the bar
But shed fight the Devil for ya just for being who you are
And shes the last to cast a stone though shed love to leave you mad
Aw shes every friend Ive ever had
— "Every Girl" by Turnpike Troubadours