Quotes / The Talk

"When a man and a woman are in love, or very drunk, they..."
Stan Smith, American Dad!

Oh, Papa, I know all about the stork. Mama told me about that years ago.
...No, wait a minute, Papa! Flower, seed, man, woman, bee, baby, small...
It isn't the stork, it isn't the stork, it isn't the stork at all!
Oh life is grand! It's very int'resting, I think I understand.
"Man to Man Talk", Once Upon a Mattress

Simba: So you're going to answer that question I asked you yesterday Dad?
Mufasa: Of course, son. Look, Simba. It starts with a girl lion and a boy lion. Now the boy lion takes his—
Simba: No, Dad. Not that question!
Mufasa: Oh, okay well then, smoking can be very addicting...
Simba: No! Not that one either!
Mufasa: Well, damn it! There's so damn many of those 'little talks' parents have to have with their kids these days. I mean if they aren't smokin' they're drinkin'. If they aren't drinkin' it's drugs. If they aren't doin' drugs it's that cheap-ass whore on the corner passing out herpes like they were toilet paper!

Well, son... baby geese come out of eggs... and don't ask me where the eggs come from, because—!
Mr. Ping, Kung Fu Panda 2

Carly: (jumps up from the couch) I am NOT having this discussion with you, Spencer!
Spencer: (jumps up and hugs her) THANK YOU SO MUCH!

"But there's some bits I don't get."
"Like what?"
"Like wot's fuckin' got to do wiv havin' babies?"

Randy Marsh: "Alright, now, now listen, kids, there's some things we need to put into context for you. You see, a man puts his penis into a woman's vagina for both love and pleasure. But sometimes the woman lays on top of the man facing the other way so that they can put each other's genitals in their mouths. This is called "69ing" and it's normal."
Sharon Marsh: "See boys, a woman is sensitive in her vagina and it... feels good to have a man's penis inside of it."
Sheila Broflovski: "That's right, but sometimes a woman chooses to use other things - telephones, staplers, magazines. It's because the nerve endings in the vagina are so sensitive, it's like a fun tickle."
Gerald Broflovski: "Now, on to double penetration, boys. You see, sometimes when a woman has sex with more than one man, each man makes love to a different orifice."
Randy Marsh: "That's right. It's something adults can do with really good friends in a comfortable setting."
Sheila Broflovski: "It's also important that you understand why some people choose to urinate on each other."
Randy Marsh: "Going #1 or #2 on your lover is something people might do, but you must make sure your partner is okay with it before you start doing it."
Gerald Broflovski: "Okay boys. Do you have any questions?"
Stan Marsh: "...Wow."

Wynne: Well then, now that you're in an intimate relationship, you should learn about where babies really come from.
Alistair: Pardon?
Wynne: I know the Chantry says you dream about your babies and the good Fade spirits take them out of the Fade and leave them in your arms... but that's not true. Actually what happens is that when a girl and a boy really love each other—
Alistair: Andraste's flaming sword! I know where babies come from!
Wynne: Do you? Do you really?
Alistair: I certainly hope so.

Young Ben: Where do baby Alien Xs come from?
Kevin: When two constelations love each other very much...
Gwen: Kevin!
Kevin: Just trying to help the kid out. I had to learn about astrophysics on the streets.

"Asuka...forgive me. I want to talk with you calmly...woman to woman...do you understand? I need to talk with you about...uhh...bees and flowers...ummm—"
Misato, The Child of Love, chapter 1

Aunty: Just know, I'm here if you need to talk. About... things.
Kala: "Things?"
Aunty: You know... things a girl needs to know on her wedding night?
Kala: Oh. Don't worry, it's fine. We have the internet now.
Aunty: Oh, thank goodness! I knew that thing was good for something.

Simba: Son, we need to talk.
Kion: Oh, no...Dad, we already had that talk! "Can you feel the love tonight..." I know all about that mushy stuff!
The Lion Guard: Return Of The Roar

The mortification the two of them experienced after Misato gave them ‘The Talk’ in the morning lasted for days, especially since Misato was so cheerfully nonchalant about the whole thing and seemed completely unashamed about the explicitness of her explanations. They had only been able to stare in mute horror as she showed them where her stash of condoms was located before she proceeded to give a demonstration on how to actually put one on using a banana as reference.
Their protests of “Too much information!” went on deaf ears, and even seemed to egg Misato on. When she started giving tips they had simply run screaming from the apartment, holding their ears.

Shrek: I can't believe I'm going to be a father. How did this happen?
Puss: Allow me to explain. You see, when a man has certain feelings for a woman, a powerful urge sweeps over him...
Shrek: I know how it happened! I just can't believe it. (walks away)
Donkey: (to Puss) How does it happen?

My own dating history is a dark, meandering story filled with adventure, danger and lots of smeared mascara and naughty bits in various states of undress. And ever since the day that my own child proposed marriage to me, I have been filled with a need to tell her the entire story: the story of the men I loved before.

Of course I can't, because she's barely out of diapers. At best it would confuse her, and at worst, I'd be picked up by Child Protective Services and locked up for being a pervert because it isn't appropriate to tell your toddler about the first time you got French kissed by someone, especially since it wasn't her dad.

But what if I never get the chance? What if I drop dead from some all-over body tumor that I'll develop from standing too close to the microwave? How will I teach her what I learned about life from playing Strip Backgammon with my upstairs neighbor?

And if I live through the Cancer of the Everything, even if I wait until she's of an appropriate age (twelve? fifteen? twenty-one? sixty-five?) to talk to her about it, there's a high probability that she'll hatemyfrigginguts (mother hating being a mandatory rite-of-passage) and won't want to hear it from me. the way I didn't want to hear it from my mom.

And even then, if by some bizarre twist of nature, she doesn't hatemyfrgginguts, I'll be screwed because I'll be wearing sweater sets and pearls and suffering from a selective-memory syndrome that causes me to replace my personal history with the plot points of Grease (the sequal).
Johanna Stein, How Not to Calm a Child on a Plane: And Other Lessons in Parenting From a Highly Questionable Source