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Quotes: Suckiness Is Painful

Quotes from works

"During a recitation by their Poet Master Grunthos the Flatulent of his poem Ode to a Small Lump of Green Putty I Found In My Armpit One Midsummer Morning, four of his audience died of internal hemorrhaging and the President of the Mid-Galactic Arts Nobbling Council survived by gnawing one of his own legs off."

Fozzie: Boy, did I go to a bad seafood place last night. The catch of the day was salmon-ella. Wocka wocka!
Jack Black: (tied to a chair) Aw!! That joke's like 50 years old!
Fozzie: So how 'bout those shopping centers? You seen one, you seen a mall! Take it!

"I awakened to find myself here in the Royale Hotel, precisely as described in the novel I found in my room. And for the last thirty-eight years I have survived here. I have come to understand that the alien contaminators created this place for me out of some sense of guilt, presuming that the novel we had on board the shuttle about the Hotel Royale was in fact a guide to our preferred lifestyle and social habits. Obviously, they thought this was the world from which I came. I hold no malice toward my benefactors. They could not possibly know the hell they have put me through; for it was such a badly written book, filled with endless clichťs and shallow characters. I shall welcome death when it comes."
Col. Richey's Apocalyptic Log, Star Trek: The Next Generation ("Casino Royale")

Spike: Back to the mother country. Hey, after we save Fred, we should hit the West End, take in a show.
Angel: I've never seen Les Mis.
Spike: (scoffs) Trust me: Halfway through the first act, you'll be drinking humans again.
Angel, "A Hole in the World"

Mycroft ("Do You Hear the People Sing" blares over phone) Sherlock, please. I beg of you. You can take over at the interval.
Sherlock: Oh, Iím sorry, brother dear, but you made a promise. Thereís nothing I can do to help.
Mycroft: But you donít understand the pain of it Ė the horror! (Sherlock hangs up)

"That was so terrible, I think you gave me cancer!"
Calculon, Futurama

"You know when Poison Ivy had us tied up with those poisonous vines? The ones with the really sharp thorns? This is worse."

Quotes on works:

"It was at that point that I took a spoon and shoved it up my ass. Because if I was going to be in that much pain, I was going to do it to myself."
Lewis Black on the 2001 Super Bowl Half Time show with *NSYNC, Aerosmith, and Britney Spears

"This was not made, it was committed. This cannot be screened, it can only be inflicted."
Oancitizen, on Sweet Movie.

"To be dead... to be nothing... to watch Neptune Men no more!"''

"I had to call the suicide prevention hotline last night because of R.O.T.O.R. They told me to do it."
Best of the Worst on R.O.T.O.R. (1987)

Mike: I wanna be someone that gets killed by a movie. It's happened before: A guy got killed by Avatar because it was so, like, an immersive experience that his heart just went, "Fuck this."
Jay: Well, a lot of people died in the nineties when there was the rise of the gang-banger movies. The Boyz n the Hood ripoffs.
Mike: But they were killed in the theater by gang violence. I wanna be killed by a movie. Like, Avatar killed that guy. I want an Adam Sandler movie to kill me.

Kidnapped prostitute: I will help you. I will. As long as you promise that after I help you, you let me go home to my baby!
Plinkett: Ohhhh... I promise. I just...need you to help me. (unveils suspicious-looking bag) Now, this might be quite disturbing to you...
Prostitute: Oh god. What is it?
Plinkett: I need you to see order to help me!
Prostitute: (whimpering) God, no!
Plinkett: Please... I need to show you it....It's called Episode II: Attack of the Clones.
Prostitute: ...-w-what?! Star Wars?!
Plinkett: I need you to see it in order to help me. Just get in the chair that's over by the television set. I'm gonna put the movie on and you're gonna watch it, you understand me?! Look at me! YOOOOOU'RRRRRRE GONNA WAAAAAATCH IIIIIIIIIIT!!

"Is the cameraman dead? Am I dead? Let me check my pulse. Yeah. This movie killed me." (collapses)
JonTron on Birdemic: Shock and Terror

Chris: Do you think anyone has ever done a two-part review of Barb Wire before?
Matt: I can imagine a scenario in which someone passed out from lack of oxygen to the brain about an hour in.
Chris Sims and Matt Wilson on Barb Wire

"As a piece of fundamentalist Christian propaganda, the Left Behind trilogy is surprisingly effective, mainly because you'll be desperately praying for the Rapture to pull you out of your seat by about 15 minutes in."

"To call Life or Something Like It formulaic would be an understatement of the year. This movie is so goddamn derivative I could recite every contrived plot twist and unbelievable character development. The comedy is flat and uninspired. And if you want to see something that will make your head explode, then watch Angelina Jolie sing an a Capella version of the Rolling Stonesí I Canít Get No Satisfaction. That is a crime against humanity."

Spoony: A'ight, let's do this. This thing is gonna suck either way.
Pat: Well, thanks for your approval!
Spoony: No, I mean the movie; it's gonna blow really hard.
Pat: (unfazed) Yeah, yeah.
Spoony: This is gonna hurt. A lot.
Pat: Pfft, it'll be painful.
Spoony: No, it's gonna be like fuckin' thumbscrews.
Pat: Eh, eye-gouging maybe.

"That was the sound of ultimate suffering. My heart made that sound the first time I saw Sonic turning into a werewolf... The Spoony One makes it now."
Benzaie, Let's Play Pumpkinhead's Revenge

"I managed to read this entire book from cover to cover without leaping out of the nearest window and plummeting to my death. That is a twist."
Doc Oho on Doctor Who New Adventures, Strange England

"Here's a nice quote for the box art: Kane & Lynch 2: Dog Days is a game so intense it literally, physically assaults you. Because after playing for the four or five hours necessary to complete it, it gave me a headache like I'd been skullfucked with Pinocchio's splintery todger."

"Playing Killer Instinct was like arguing with a taser."

"We view ourselves as free. It is a mistake...We thought we danced to the music of the spheres, while all along it was St. Vitus's Dance, diseased firing of rotting neurons in dying limbs. And now we have fallen once again to a new dance, the Danse Macabre, Dance as Memento Mori. We have been tricked, this game has been a Pied Piper of Hamlin, and we have, like children, followed the lilting tune of the pipe for far too long. Now we see that we are dancing to our graves, a final moment of clarity, and in that clarity we see the larger truth - we could not have stopped this. We could never have stopped this. We were doomed the moment the first note sounded, and we could not have hoped to know that until it was too late."
Phil Sandifer on Power Pad Dance Aerobics (NES)

"I have no memory of last yearís Ubisoft conference. Iím told that when the medics finally arrived, I was in a state of catatonic shut-down, common in trauma victims. My psyche had endured such an immense shock, it simply refused to allow any further input. The jokes were that bad."
IGN on Mr. Caffeine's performance presentation at E3 2011.

"That shudder you just felt was your soul trying to slam its way out... I mean, it couldn't possibly be a joke, right? A page of 11's being mistaken for a page of 1's? That's not a punchline — that's something you tell a neurologist to get him worried. This girl either has a stack of concussions or she's drawing a tiny graveyard for all the smiles Family Circus killed. This next analogy might get complicated, but The Family Circus is a lot like rape."

"erfh;oerfA:hAHRfAFwe ... Sorry, I was cleaning the vomit off my keyboard."

"This episode is like getting your teeth done — by having someone go through your eye sockets."
SFDebris on Star Trek: Enterprise, "Carpenter Street"

"Iíve kinda tried to watch it like three times and itís been like performing surgery on myself."
Obscurus Lupa on whether she will ever review Freddy's Nightmares

Chris: Remember back when we started? How young we were? How we could still feel joy and hope?
David: Yeah, when we thought this might be a fun little project and not a tour through hell.
ComicsAlliance on Smallville ("Dominion")

"After I watched it, I became horribly ill. Was the Wonder Woman pilot to blame? Yes. Absolutely it was. There is no doubt in my mind that Wonder Woman was so terrible it attacked my auto-immune system, and caused flu-like symptoms that I'm experiencing even now."
Topless Robot, "Rob's Wonder Woman Woman TV Pilot FAQ!"

"I'm only on page four. This comic is 48 pages long. Expect a lot of crying in this episode."
Linkara, on the comic book of Bimbos in Time

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