Quotes / Suckiness Is Painful

Film — Live-Action

Fozzie Bear: Boy, did I go to a bad seafood place last night. The catch of the day was salmon-ella. Wocka wocka!
Jack Black: (tied to a chair) Aw!! That joke's like 50 years old!
Fozzie: So how 'bout those shopping centers? You seen one, you seen a mall! Take it!
Black: MAKE IT STOOOOOOOOP!!!!

—The Muppets (2011)

"Look, if you want to torture me, spank me, lick me, do it. But if this poetry shit continues, shoot me now, please."

—Tank Girl to Kesslee, Tank Girl

Literature

We are the only humans resisting the Yeerks.
We may be the only hope that Earth has.
We have a lot on our shoulders.
Which is why I really, really, really did not see why I had to have more suffering piled on.
Wasn't I under enough stress? Life wasn't bad enough? We had to have... square dancing?
Square dancing! The horror!

—Animorphs #11: The Forgotten

Live-Action TV

First of all, thank you, Kevin Hart. It's really great to be here. Sitting and listening to you yell your jokes over the last hour is the hardest time I've ever done.

—Martha Stewart, Justin Bieber comedy roast

It was at that point that I took a spoon and shoved it up my ass. Because if I was going to be in that much pain, I was going to do it to myself.

— Lewis Black on the 2001 Super Bowl Half Time show with *NSYNC, Aerosmith, and Britney Spears

You know, aside from the fact that I'll never again experience joy in my life, I don't think Red Zone Cuba had any kind of negative effect on me...

—Crow T. Robot, on Red Zone Cuba"

I awakened to find myself here in the Royale Hotel, precisely as described in the novel I found in my room. And for the last thirty-eight years I have survived here. I have come to understand that the alien contaminators created this place for me out of some sense of guilt, presuming that the novel we had on board the shuttle about the Hotel Royale was in fact a guide to our preferred lifestyle and social habits. Obviously, they thought this was the world from which I came. I hold no malice toward my benefactors. They could not possibly know the hell they have put me through; for it was such a badly written book, filled with endless clichés and shallow characters. I shall welcome death when it comes.

—Col. Richey's Apocalyptic Log, Star Trek: The Next Generation ("The Royale")

Spike: Hey, after we save Fred, we should hit the West End, take in a show.
Angel: I've never seen Les Mis.
Spike: (scoffs) Trust me: halfway through the first act, you'll be drinking humans again.

—Angel, "A Hole in the World"

Mycroft ("Do You Hear the People Sing" blares over phone) Sherlock, please. I beg of you. You can take over at the interval.
Sherlock: Oh, I’m sorry, brother dear, but you made a promise. There's nothing I can do to help.
Mycroft: But you don’t understand the pain of it – the horror! (Sherlock hangs up)

—Sherlock, "The Empty Hearse"

Music

Don't play that song, that achy breaky song
You know I hate that song a bunch
And if you play that song, that nauseating song
It might just make me lose my lunch!

—"Weird Al" Yankovic, "Achy Breaky Song"

Newspapers

Staggering into the silence of the theater lobby after the ordeal was over, I found a big poster that was fresh off the presses with the quotes of junket blurbsters.' It will obliterate your senses!' reports David Gillin, who obviously writes autobiographically. 'It will suck the air right out of your lungs!' vows Diane Kaminsky. If it does, consider it a mercy killing.

—Roger Ebert on Armageddon (1998)

Video Games

The scansion has been known to cause twitching; the imagery is bad for digestive health.

—A description of bazaarine poerty, Fallen London

Web Animation

Here's a nice quote for the box art: Kane & Lynch 2: Dog Days is a game so intense it literally, physically assaults you. Because after playing for the four or five hours necessary to complete it, it gave me a headache like I'd been skullfucked with Pinocchio's splintery todger.

—Zero Punctuation.

Cell: So you're saying this is it, then: Hell is literally other people and— ARE THEY STILL TWERKING?!
Frieza: Yes, you should see them practice. It's terrifying. (audibly shudders)

—HFIL, Cell in a Hell

Web Original

JLo was in the cinematic human rights violation called Gigli, so this isn’t surprising.

— Michael K., "JLo Shook Her Ass For The Leader Of One Of The World's Most Repressive Countries"

Being a Bills fan is like eating a cake full of razor blades every year.

— Deadspin, "Why Your Team Sucks 2014: Buffalo Bills"

If you look closely, you can actually see the souls of the people in the crowd leaving their bodies during this match.

— DDT on WCW Monday Nitro

This movie is bad enough to make Jake Lloyd drink. Which he does. Sadly, it's just a dream sequence. Having Jake Lloyd: alcoholic 8 year old would have at least brought some drama to the festivities.

— Wrestlecrap on Jingle All the Way

Chris Sims: Do you think anyone has ever done a two-part review of Barb Wire before?
Matt Wilson: I can imagine a scenario in which someone passed out from lack of oxygen to the brain about an hour in.

— ComicsAlliance on Barb Wire

As a piece of fundamentalist Christian propaganda, the Left Behind trilogy is surprisingly effective, mainly because you'll be desperately praying for the Rapture to pull you out of your seat by about 15 minutes in.

— Something Awful

And if you want to see something that will make your head explode, then watch Angelina Jolie sing an a Capella version of the The Rolling Stones' "I Can't Get No Satisfaction". That is a crime against humanity.

— Miles Antwiler on Life or Something Like It (2002)

Playing Killer Instinct was like arguing with a taser.

— Cracked, "6 Video Games That Just Didn't Get It"

We thought we danced to the music of the spheres, while all along it was St. Vitus' Dance, diseased firing of rotting neurons in dying limbs. And now we have fallen once again to a new dance, the Dance Macabre, Dance as Memento Mori. We have been tricked, this game has been a Pied Piper of Hamlin, and we have, like children, followed the lilting tune of the pipe for far too long. Now we see that we are dancing to our graves...

— Dr. El Sandifer on Power Pad Dance Aerobics (NES)

I have no memory of last year's Ubisoft conference. I’m told that when the medics finally arrived, I was in a state of catatonic shut-down, common in trauma victims. My psyche had endured such an immense shock, it simply refused to allow any further input. The jokes were that bad.

— IGN on Mr. Caffeine's performance presentation at E3 2011.

I managed to read this entire book from cover to cover without leaping out of the nearest window and plummeting to my death. That is a twist.

— Joe Ford on Doctor Who New Adventures, Strange England

erfh;oerfA:hAHRfAFwe ... Sorry, I was cleaning the vomit off my keyboard.

— The Agony Booth on post-op transgender Quark, Star Trek: Deep Space Nine, "Profit and Lace"

I've kinda tried to watch it like three times and it's been like performing surgery on myself.

— Allison Pregler on whether she will ever review Freddy's Nightmares

This show is so bad it will suck the love out of your heart.

— IGN, on Work It

Chris Sims: Remember back when we started? How young we were? How we could still feel joy and hope?
David Uzumeri: Yeah, when we thought this might be a fun little project and not a tour through hell.

— ComicsAlliance on Smallville, "Dominion"

Web Videos

Ouch, that was painful. So very, very lame.

— Momoko, Wedding Peach Abridged

"The controls are kinda like, y'know, ridin' a bike: once ya learn, ya never forget. Except, like, in dis situation, somebody popped da tires an' pissed all over da floor, an' dey ripped the handlebars off an replaced them with fuckin' spikes. And, uhh... they bent da wheels up, da metal 'n da wheels, dey bent em all up, an' the frame—"

— videogamedunkey on Getting Over It with Bennett Foddy

I feel raped. I feel honest-to-god raped by this movie, it is that bad.

— The Nostalgia Critic on The Garbage Pail Kids Movie

This was not made, it was committed. This cannot be screened, it can only be inflicted.

— Oancitizen on Sweet Movie

I had to call the suicide prevention hotline last night because of R.O.T.O.R. They told me to do it.

— Best of the Worst on R.O.T.O.R.

Mike: I wanna be someone that gets killed by a movie. It's happened before: A guy got killed by Avatar because it was so, like, an immersive experience that his heart just went, "Fuck this."
Jay: Well, a lot of people died in the nineties when there was the rise of the gang-banger movies. The Boyz n the Hood ripoffs.
Mike: But they were killed in the theater by gang violence. I wanna be killed by a movie. Like, Avatar killed that guy. I want an Adam Sandler movie to kill me.

— Half in the Bag on Jack and Jill

Kidnapped prostitute: I will help you. I will. As long as you promise that after I help you, you let me go home to my baby!
Plinkett: Ohhhh... I promise. I just...need you to help me. (unveils suspicious-looking bag) Now, this might be quite disturbing to you...
Prostitute: Oh God. What is it?
Plinkett: I need you to see it....in order to help me!
Prostitute: (whimpering) God, no!
Plinkett: Please... I need to show you it....It's called Episode II: Attack of the Clones.
Prostitute: ...-w-WHAT?! Star Wars?!!
Plinkett: I need you to see it in order to help me. Just get in the chair that's over by the television set. I'm gonna put the movie on and you're gonna watch it, you understand me?! LOOK at me! YOOOOOU'RRRRRRE GONNA WAAAAAATCH IIIIIIIIIIT!!

— Harry S. Plinkett on Attack of the Clones

Is the cameraman dead? Am I dead? Let me check my pulse. Yeah. This movie killed me. (collapses)

— JonTron on Birdemic: Shock and Terror

Spoony: A'ight, let's do this. This thing is gonna suck either way.
Pat: Well, thanks for your approval!
Spoony: No, I mean the movie; it's gonna blow really hard.
Pat: (unfazed) Yeah, yeah.
Spoony: This is gonna hurt. A lot.
Pat: Pfft, it'll be painful.
Spoony: No, it's gonna be like fuckin' thumbscrews.
Pat: Eh, eye-gouging maybe.

— Noah Antwiler and PatTheNESPunk riff Highlander: Endgame

That was the sound of ultimate suffering. My heart made that sound the first time I saw Sonic turning into a werewolf... The Spoony One makes it now.

— Benzaie, Let's Play Bloodwings: Pumpkinhead's Revenge

This episode is like getting your teeth done — by having someone go through your eye sockets.

— SFDebris on Star Trek: Enterprise, "Carpenter Street"

Forget The God Delusion, God Is Not Great, or the writings of Epicurus, this episode is the greatest evidence that logically disproves an all-powerful, all-knowing and all-loving God. If Epicurus was alive today, his famous quote would read "Is God willing to prevent 'Fear Her', but not able? Then he is not omnipotent. Is he able, but not willing? Then he is malevolent. Is he both able and willing? Then whence cometh 'Fear Her'? Is he neither able nor willing? Then why call him God?"

— Diamanda Hagan on Doctor Who, "Fear Her"

This song is so bad, it's making my hair come out in clumps. And my nose is bleeding a little.

— Todd in the Shadows on Mario's "Break Up"

Mid-way through the song, Taylor Swift delivers one of the most bewilderingly awful 22 seconds I think I've ever heard in a pop song. I could spend the same length of time with my hand on a lit stove and come out with less pain.

— Todd in the Shadows on "Shake It Off"

I'm only on page four. This comic is 48 pages long. Expect a lot of crying in this episode.

— Linkara, on the comic book of Bimbos in Time

Ass - Intolerable Ass!

— Raoul de Chagney (via title card), on The Phantom of the Opera (1998), The Phantom Reviewer

I was tortured until
I could hardly sign my name
And listening to you
Felt pretty much the same!

— Guy Fawkes (to Che Guevara), Epic Rap Battles of History

Listening to you took everything I had left.
After your raps, I am become deaf.

— Robert Oppenheimer (to Thanos), Epic Rap Battles of History

Truly and honestly, I've not been able to listen to this song all the way through in one sitting I don't think, I've heard the entire thing in bits and pieces, but that's because every time I hear it, I have to just shut it off because I can only take it maybe thirty or forty seconds at a time before I just wanna rip my head off.

— The Needle Drop on Vin Jay's "Mumble Rapper vs. Lyricist"

Western Animation

That was so terrible, I think you gave me cancer!

— Calculon on Bender's acting ability, Futurama

Wow, that was the worst piece of crap I've ever seen! My ass is actually sore. MY ass is actually sore!

—Paraplegic Joe Swanson, on Peter Griffin's romance film Steel Vaginas.

You know when Poison Ivy had us tied up with those poisonous vines? The ones with the really sharp thorns? This is worse.

— Robin, Batman: The Animated Series, "Baby Doll"

You boys are both very lucky to be alive. You have experienced a cringe level of 100,000 DJ. That's the equivalent of hearing 100,000 dad jokes all at once!

— Bandage Doctor, to Gumball and Hot Dog Guy, after they watched their talent show audition and cringed so hard that they ended up in hospital, The Amazing World of Gumball

Real Life

Then, I calmly took the DVD out of the drive, and clutching it to my chest, went outside and sat in the middle of the road, where I immolated myself like that photo of the Chinese monk.

— Stuart Millard, So Excited, So Scared: The Saved by the Bell Retrospective

Bleach: More fun to drink than to watch!

— Sticker sold at Australian anime conventions

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