Episode 1
Penny: So, uh, hello. I bet you all are wondering why I’ve gathered you all here today.
Holly: No, you told us already.
(the cast all delivers sounds of agreement)
Penny: (sounding slightly panicked) No no, guys, (stuttering) this is just for the intro, play along. I bet you're all wonde—
Scout: WHERE THE FUCK AM I, PENNY?!
Holly: No, you told us already.
(the cast all delivers sounds of agreement)
Penny: (sounding slightly panicked) No no, guys, (stuttering) this is just for the intro, play along. I bet you're all wonde—
Scout: WHERE THE FUCK AM I, PENNY?!
Penny: Obviously we are all familiar with the absolute plethora of fan works in the Sonic the Hedgehog fandom ranging from fanFICTION to fanART, all the way to fan FILMS. What if I took the concept of a Sonic fan film and merged it with the wondrous technology of neural network procedurally generated AI...
Red: Ohhh, I thought this was gonna be something else.
Penny: No.
Scout: I thought we were just gonna shake hands for an hour.
Red: Ohhh, I thought this was gonna be something else.
Penny: No.
Scout: I thought we were just gonna shake hands for an hour.
Robby: Hi, uh, I'm Stage Directions! First name: Stage, last name: Directions.
Eggman: BWAHAHAHAHAHA! I’ve done it! Nothing can stop my satellite—my NEW satellite! Soon, I'll rule the planet! Just you wait, King Shadow! Turns to camera. And you too, Princess Elise!
Robby: A rooster's crow is heard as we open up-
Scout: Wait, where are we? Robby? Where's the "Interior"?
Penny: Yeah. You gotta read the fucking... headers.
Robby: Am I reading the Interior to Sonic's hotel?
Penny: You better read the fucking-
Dyvone: Where are we, son?
Red: How are we going to know where we are?
Robby: Interior shot, Sonic's hotel, morning. A rooster's crow is heard as we open up to see the world-famous hedgehog standing in front of a bathroom mirror, with toothbrush in hand.
Scout: Wait, where are we? Robby? Where's the "Interior"?
Penny: Yeah. You gotta read the fucking... headers.
Robby: Am I reading the Interior to Sonic's hotel?
Penny: You better read the fucking-
Dyvone: Where are we, son?
Red: How are we going to know where we are?
Robby: Interior shot, Sonic's hotel, morning. A rooster's crow is heard as we open up to see the world-famous hedgehog standing in front of a bathroom mirror, with toothbrush in hand.
Robby: Cut to, exterior, city hilltop, day. A fully garbed trio of Freedom Fighters are looking at a large billboard. The Earth has a giant hole in it, with smoke billowing out of it. A caption at the bottom reads, "The End of the World?".
?: On a, on a billboard?
?: It's not good.
?: What, are they trying to sell something?
Robby: The camera pans to the right to see Sonic, Tails, and Knuckles.
Sonic: You guys hear about this?
Knuckles: Yeah, it was all over the news.
(the cast laughs for a while)
?: Yo, Egghead! New hole just dropped!
Dyvone: It's so wild. You know, it's, it's like the Earth turned into a big Krispy Kreme donut! I don't know what happened!
Knuckles: Yeah, it was all over the news. Didn't you see it?
Robby: Shakes head.
Tails: Nope, all I saw was you in the paper this morning.
Robby: Sonc chuckles.
(the cast laughs for a while, saying "Sonc")
?: Me when Sonc does a little chuckle.
?: Oh man.
Dyvone: Mr. Dungeon didn't check the spellcheck on this one.
?: On a, on a billboard?
?: It's not good.
?: What, are they trying to sell something?
Robby: The camera pans to the right to see Sonic, Tails, and Knuckles.
Sonic: You guys hear about this?
Knuckles: Yeah, it was all over the news.
(the cast laughs for a while)
?: Yo, Egghead! New hole just dropped!
Dyvone: It's so wild. You know, it's, it's like the Earth turned into a big Krispy Kreme donut! I don't know what happened!
Knuckles: Yeah, it was all over the news. Didn't you see it?
Robby: Shakes head.
Tails: Nope, all I saw was you in the paper this morning.
Robby: Sonc chuckles.
(the cast laughs for a while, saying "Sonc")
?: Me when Sonc does a little chuckle.
?: Oh man.
Dyvone: Mr. Dungeon didn't check the spellcheck on this one.
Robby: Exterior city, evening. We see Shadow and Silver walking down the street. Shadow wears a red t-shirt with a black jacket over it. On his wrists are a pair of black gauntlets with gold wrist guards. Silver has his hoodie on.
(the cast laughs for a while)
Robby: Yo! Shadow, Shadow walking out there with, like, the coolest heat; and Silver? Dripless!
Shadow: This place is a dump.
Silver: Shut up, it's not that bad.
Shadow: Tell me, when were you planning on telling me that you're moving here?
Silver: I'm not. I just came to visit my friend.
Shadow: Friend? What friend? You've never mentioned a friend before.
Silver: Yeah, well I made one.
Robby: Shadow doesn't look amused.
?: I, I, for some reason, I read that like he made one like out of, like, a homunculus.
(the cast laughs for a bit)
?: Keep reading, and maybe.
Shadow: Is it a girl?
Robby: Silver looks at Shadow with a mix of repulsion and confusion.
(the cast laughs for a bit)
Red: The fuck? Shadow? Is he jealous?
Silver: No. It's a robot!
(the cast laughs some more)
?: Oh, so you made a friend.
?: So you made a friend.
Shadow: A robot? Seriously?
Ryan: (as Shadow) I can't imagine being friends with a robot.
Silver: Yeah! His name's Q-B. He's cool.
Shadow: I don't know why you're friends with me.
(the cast laughs for a while)
Robby: Yo! Shadow, Shadow walking out there with, like, the coolest heat; and Silver? Dripless!
Shadow: This place is a dump.
Silver: Shut up, it's not that bad.
Shadow: Tell me, when were you planning on telling me that you're moving here?
Silver: I'm not. I just came to visit my friend.
Shadow: Friend? What friend? You've never mentioned a friend before.
Silver: Yeah, well I made one.
Robby: Shadow doesn't look amused.
?: I, I, for some reason, I read that like he made one like out of, like, a homunculus.
(the cast laughs for a bit)
?: Keep reading, and maybe.
Shadow: Is it a girl?
Robby: Silver looks at Shadow with a mix of repulsion and confusion.
(the cast laughs for a bit)
Red: The fuck? Shadow? Is he jealous?
Silver: No. It's a robot!
(the cast laughs some more)
?: Oh, so you made a friend.
?: So you made a friend.
Shadow: A robot? Seriously?
Ryan: (as Shadow) I can't imagine being friends with a robot.
Silver: Yeah! His name's Q-B. He's cool.
Shadow: I don't know why you're friends with me.
Robby: Suddenly, a black and red hovercar appears from around a corner with flashing blue and red lights on top. It stops in front of Shadow and Silver. A voice projects from a speaker on the car. It's Eggman.
Eggman: Shadow, you've committed the most heinous of crimes. You have stolen my doctor's research. Return it at once or face the consequences.
Robby: Shadow looks at Silver.
Silver: Did you?
Eggman: Of course he did. The evidence is right there!
Elise: Shadow, is it true? Did you do this?
(the cast laughs and asks where Elise came from)
Robby: Silver turns to look at the speakers below the car.
Silver: The screen says he did it.
Elise: Shadow?
(the cast laughs for a bit)
?: The speakers. Below the car.
Alfred: C-c-c-can't fight with facts on the screen, dude.
Elise: Shadow?
Shadow: Don't look at me. I've never been here before in my life.
(the cast laughs for a while)
Red: Doesn't answer the question, Shadow.
Eggman: Don't play dumb, Shadow. It's embarrassing.
Robby: Suddenly, the blue hedgehog puts his arm through the car window and fires a laser from his wrist.
Sonic: Watch out!
(the cast laughs and says "Holy shit.")
Robby: Sonic speeds forward and smashes Shadow and Silver away from the car. As he does this, the Doctor fires missiles from the bottom of his car, creating a smokescreen. The car speeds away. Sonic, Shadow, and Silver get up from the ground. Sonic dashes forwards, jumping into the air with a spin attack. As he lands, the car bursts into flames and spins out of control. It crashes into a nearby tree. The three run forward to where the car landed. However, when they get there, it appears empty. Shadow sniffles, but then stops.
(the cast starts laughing)
Ryan: (as Shadow) (sniffles) It's pollen season!
(the cast continues laughing)
Ryan: (as Shadow) I have allergies!
Dyvone: Forgot to take my Claritin.
Robby: Sonic looks around.
Sonic: Ugh. It's no use. He could be anywhere.
(three members, including Red, say/ask "It's no use!")
?: This will end it!
Eggman: Shadow, you've committed the most heinous of crimes. You have stolen my doctor's research. Return it at once or face the consequences.
Robby: Shadow looks at Silver.
Silver: Did you?
Eggman: Of course he did. The evidence is right there!
Elise: Shadow, is it true? Did you do this?
(the cast laughs and asks where Elise came from)
Robby: Silver turns to look at the speakers below the car.
Silver: The screen says he did it.
Elise: Shadow?
(the cast laughs for a bit)
?: The speakers. Below the car.
Alfred: C-c-c-can't fight with facts on the screen, dude.
Elise: Shadow?
Shadow: Don't look at me. I've never been here before in my life.
(the cast laughs for a while)
Red: Doesn't answer the question, Shadow.
Eggman: Don't play dumb, Shadow. It's embarrassing.
Robby: Suddenly, the blue hedgehog puts his arm through the car window and fires a laser from his wrist.
Sonic: Watch out!
(the cast laughs and says "Holy shit.")
Robby: Sonic speeds forward and smashes Shadow and Silver away from the car. As he does this, the Doctor fires missiles from the bottom of his car, creating a smokescreen. The car speeds away. Sonic, Shadow, and Silver get up from the ground. Sonic dashes forwards, jumping into the air with a spin attack. As he lands, the car bursts into flames and spins out of control. It crashes into a nearby tree. The three run forward to where the car landed. However, when they get there, it appears empty. Shadow sniffles, but then stops.
(the cast starts laughing)
Ryan: (as Shadow) (sniffles) It's pollen season!
(the cast continues laughing)
Ryan: (as Shadow) I have allergies!
Dyvone: Forgot to take my Claritin.
Robby: Sonic looks around.
Sonic: Ugh. It's no use. He could be anywhere.
(three members, including Red, say/ask "It's no use!")
?: This will end it!
Robby: From off-screen, a piercing sig- oh sorry. From off-screen, a piercing cry is heard. Sonic and Shadow run to the source of the noise. They see a black hedgehog with green eyes on his hands and knees, sobbing. It's Shadow.
(the cast laughs for a while)
?: Oh, God!
Penny: Read the next line! Read the next line!
?: Here it comes!
Robby: Shadow looks up at Shadow.
Shadow: I'm sorry, brother. I have failed you again.
Robby: Sonic takes a step back in shock. Shadow looks up at him.
Shadow: I, I failed the whole world. And worst of all, I have failed our promise to her.
Robby: Sonic sits down next to him. He faces Shadow.
Sonic: Listen, Shadow. It's OK.
Robby: Shadow punches him in the face.
(some laughter while the script is being read begins)
Shadow: No! It's not OK. She's dead because of me.
Robby: Sonic uses his tail to grab a rock. He throws it into the woods.
(the cast laughs for a while)
?: Oh, God!
Penny: Read the next line! Read the next line!
?: Here it comes!
Robby: Shadow looks up at Shadow.
Shadow: I'm sorry, brother. I have failed you again.
Robby: Sonic takes a step back in shock. Shadow looks up at him.
Shadow: I, I failed the whole world. And worst of all, I have failed our promise to her.
Robby: Sonic sits down next to him. He faces Shadow.
Sonic: Listen, Shadow. It's OK.
Robby: Shadow punches him in the face.
(some laughter while the script is being read begins)
Shadow: No! It's not OK. She's dead because of me.
Robby: Sonic uses his tail to grab a rock. He throws it into the woods.
Robby: So, so, so, things are about to get fucking wild. I do want to say right now I actually really fucking like where this is going.
Penny: Yeah, no. It's great. No. Just wait.
Sonic: Shadow. Listen.
Shadow: What?
Sonic: Let's get back to what's important.
Shadow: What do you mean?
Robby: Sonic points at Shadow. Sonic points to the woods.
(laughter begins again)
Robby: Sonic points to himself.
(the cast laughs for a while)
Robby: From beyond the woods, Amy is heard crying out.
Amy: Oh, Sonic! Please!
Robby: Sonic runs past Shadow. He looks back at him. Sonic runs into the woods.
(more laughter)
Penny: Yeah, no. It's great. No. Just wait.
Sonic: Shadow. Listen.
Shadow: What?
Sonic: Let's get back to what's important.
Shadow: What do you mean?
Robby: Sonic points at Shadow. Sonic points to the woods.
(laughter begins again)
Robby: Sonic points to himself.
(the cast laughs for a while)
Robby: From beyond the woods, Amy is heard crying out.
Amy: Oh, Sonic! Please!
Robby: Sonic runs past Shadow. He looks back at him. Sonic runs into the woods.
(more laughter)
Robby: Sonic runs up to Amy, who is yelling and frantically running around the woods.
Amy: Where were you? You just left without me! You can't leave me behind like that, Sonic!
Sonic: What are you talking about?
Amy: I woke up, and you were gone. I looked all over the city for you.
Sonic: I've been here the whole time.
Amy: No, you haven't! I would've seen you!
Sonic: You do realize we can run faster than sound, right?
Robby: Sonic smirks. Tails walks up to the two of them. (off-script) Fucking gaslighting asshole.
(the cast laughs for a while)
Penny: I've always... I, I, I just love that they lite-
Red: (interrupting Penny) They spent the entirety of Sonic Adventure 1 not finding each other.
Penny: I, I just love how they put, like, like, an actual, like, sitcom laugh break moment there.
Tails: What's going on?
Robby: (whispering) Facing away from Tails.
Amy: (facing away from Tails) Sonic's a liar. He says he wasn't gone in the night, but he was.
Robby: Sonic covers his face in his hands.
Sonic: (mumbling) I can't handle this right now.
Robby: Tails pushes Amy.
?: Jesus!
Tails: Stop messing with him, let's all sit down and listen to his story.
Robby: They all sit down on logs around a campfire. Sonic sighs and begins telling his story.
Sonic: (sighs) Last night, I saved the city from Dr. Eggman and his minions.
Knuckles: I'm gonna guess that's the same doctor that made that fake princess then.
?: Where'd you come from?
Mar: (as Tails) Hi, Knuckles.
?: Where were you? How do you know that? Where'd you come from?
Scout: (as Knuckles) You know what? You know what? Unlike you, Sonic, I have been with Amy all night, you fucking asshole.
(the cast laughs for a while)
Amy: Where were you? You just left without me! You can't leave me behind like that, Sonic!
Sonic: What are you talking about?
Amy: I woke up, and you were gone. I looked all over the city for you.
Sonic: I've been here the whole time.
Amy: No, you haven't! I would've seen you!
Sonic: You do realize we can run faster than sound, right?
Robby: Sonic smirks. Tails walks up to the two of them. (off-script) Fucking gaslighting asshole.
(the cast laughs for a while)
Penny: I've always... I, I, I just love that they lite-
Red: (interrupting Penny) They spent the entirety of Sonic Adventure 1 not finding each other.
Penny: I, I just love how they put, like, like, an actual, like, sitcom laugh break moment there.
Tails: What's going on?
Robby: (whispering) Facing away from Tails.
Amy: (facing away from Tails) Sonic's a liar. He says he wasn't gone in the night, but he was.
Robby: Sonic covers his face in his hands.
Sonic: (mumbling) I can't handle this right now.
Robby: Tails pushes Amy.
?: Jesus!
Tails: Stop messing with him, let's all sit down and listen to his story.
Robby: They all sit down on logs around a campfire. Sonic sighs and begins telling his story.
Sonic: (sighs) Last night, I saved the city from Dr. Eggman and his minions.
Knuckles: I'm gonna guess that's the same doctor that made that fake princess then.
?: Where'd you come from?
Mar: (as Tails) Hi, Knuckles.
?: Where were you? How do you know that? Where'd you come from?
Scout: (as Knuckles) You know what? You know what? Unlike you, Sonic, I have been with Amy all night, you fucking asshole.
(the cast laughs for a while)
Robby: Interior, hotel, night. Sonic enters his hotel room and sees Shadow standing in the middle of the room.
Sonic: Oh, hey Shadow. Didn't expect to see you here.
Shadow: I need to talk to you about something really important. It's about the Princess.
Sonic: All right. Well, uh, take a seat.
Robby: Shadow sits down on the bed.
Shadow: Sonic, why don't you sit over there?
Robby: Shadow points at the bathtub.
(the cast laughs for a bit)
Ryan: (as Shadow) You fucking smelly.
Red: Shadow, look at me. Tell me what is wrong with this image.
Robby: Sonic walks over to the bathtub.
Shadow: I am going to tell you something about the Princess that you might not know.
Sonic: Ok.
Shadow: She's evil.
Sonic: What?
Shadow: I'm telling you, she's evil. You know how we always talk about things and analyze them to find the truth about them?
Sonic: No?
Shadow: Yeah, you know what I mean.
Sonic: No. What're you even talking about?
Shadow: We dig deeper than what's on the surface.
Sonic: You lost me.
Shadow: I'm, I'm saying… The princess is controlling you. She's making you do things against your own will.
Sonic: That's ridiculous.
Shadow: It is? When was the last time you got a haircut?
Sonic: I'm a hedgehog. That's just how we look.
Shadow: Do you have a favorite food?
Sonic: Yes. Chili dogs.
Shadow: Have you ever had one?
Sonic: Shadow, get the fuck out of my room.
(the cast laughs for a while)
Red: Holy shit.
Dyvone: That was hilarious. That was hilarious.
Sonic: Oh, hey Shadow. Didn't expect to see you here.
Shadow: I need to talk to you about something really important. It's about the Princess.
Sonic: All right. Well, uh, take a seat.
Robby: Shadow sits down on the bed.
Shadow: Sonic, why don't you sit over there?
Robby: Shadow points at the bathtub.
(the cast laughs for a bit)
Ryan: (as Shadow) You fucking smelly.
Red: Shadow, look at me. Tell me what is wrong with this image.
Robby: Sonic walks over to the bathtub.
Shadow: I am going to tell you something about the Princess that you might not know.
Sonic: Ok.
Shadow: She's evil.
Sonic: What?
Shadow: I'm telling you, she's evil. You know how we always talk about things and analyze them to find the truth about them?
Sonic: No?
Shadow: Yeah, you know what I mean.
Sonic: No. What're you even talking about?
Shadow: We dig deeper than what's on the surface.
Sonic: You lost me.
Shadow: I'm, I'm saying… The princess is controlling you. She's making you do things against your own will.
Sonic: That's ridiculous.
Shadow: It is? When was the last time you got a haircut?
Sonic: I'm a hedgehog. That's just how we look.
Shadow: Do you have a favorite food?
Sonic: Yes. Chili dogs.
Shadow: Have you ever had one?
Sonic: Shadow, get the fuck out of my room.
(the cast laughs for a while)
Red: Holy shit.
Dyvone: That was hilarious. That was hilarious.
Silver: We're in grave dang-
Red: No. No! NO!
(the cast yells at Red to say the line)
Red: Did you write this fucking line?
Penny: Everybody shut up! Red, you have to sell this!
Red: Oh my God, there's so much pressure.
Dyvone: You got it.
Red: Fucking hell.
Penny: You got it.
Alfred: I believe in you, Red.
Silver: We're in grave danger! The killer is [suddenly deadpan] among us.
(the cast is cheering)
Red: No. No! NO!
(the cast yells at Red to say the line)
Red: Did you write this fucking line?
Penny: Everybody shut up! Red, you have to sell this!
Red: Oh my God, there's so much pressure.
Dyvone: You got it.
Red: Fucking hell.
Penny: You got it.
Alfred: I believe in you, Red.
Silver: We're in grave danger! The killer is [suddenly deadpan] among us.
(the cast is cheering)
