Quotes / Only in Florida

"After previous investigations in four different states, we've seen and heard some strange things, but even we were surprised at what we found here in Florida."
Chris Hansen, Dateline: To Catch a Predator

Kim Jong-un doesn't understand that we aren't afraid of him. What that guy doesn't get is that we already have an unstable peninsula that will ultimately bring down America. Its called Florida.
Conan O'Brien, at the 2013 White House Correspondents' Dinner

"It was what amounted to a happy ending for the starring couple in a tragic and inimitably Floridian morality tale involving sex, liquor, self-defense law, erectile dysfunction and a man shot to death with his pants around his knees."
The Tampa Bay Times, describing the case of a man killing his wife's lover.

"Everyone in Florida is stupid.
Everyone in Florida is dumb.
I may not be the brightest guy, but next to them, my IQ's high.
If they played guitar, this is how they'd strum.
(unprofessional guitar solo)
Family Guy, "Into Harmony's Way"

"I've heard a bit about [Florida] from demons who used to live there when they were humans. Apparently, it's essentially a very large retirement home in which bizarre, sometimes Lovecraftian events are rather commonplace. Is that about right?"

"Florida, mmmh! I feel like Florida and Arizona are locked in a harm's race!"
Jon Stewart, on the Trayvon Martin shooting and the Stand Your Ground law, The Daily Show with Jon Stewart

"Florida, you don't get to judge others when your state motto is, 'If Darwin was right, we wouldn't be here.'"
Jon Stewart, The Daily Show with Jon Stewart

"In 2012 in Florida a staggering 88% of all license suspensions were due to failure to comply with summons or fines, which is insane. It also leaves only 12% for Florida's other most common violations: accidentally taking your golf cart on the freeway, feeding meth to an alligator, feeding an alligator to a meth dealer, and being an alligator meth dealer. Florida."

"[The Miami Floridians] was a franchise with its own special lore. I don't know if it was the warm weather and people feeling like they could do anything they wanted, but there were a lot of crazy stories coming out of there, even by ABA standards."
Rudy Martzke, quoted in Loose Balls: The Short, Wild Life of the American Basketball Association by Terry Pluto

O! Florida!
A southern drunken land!
Let's all get nude!
Because God's son commands!
We've filled our bras
With strange gew-gaws!
In the true South,
Mad and free!
With chainsaws in hand,
O! Florida!
We snort bath salts for thee!
God so commands
We get naked and party!
O! Florida!
We loose our tops for thee!
O! Florida!
We'll destroy the world for thee!
Florida Anthemnote , Written by Derek the Bard for Radio Dead Air

Florida? But that's America's Wang!
Homer Simpson, The Simpsons "Kill The Alligator And Run"

Chance: Everything you're about to see is real, and performed by unprofessionals! Plus — it's illegal... in 49 of the 50 states!
Jack the Clown: That's why we're doing it in Florida!

If you saw this story in a newspaper, it'd probably start with the words "Florida Man."

Im embarrassed to be from Florida.
Young Jane, Jane the Virgin

Eleanor: You crashed your jetski into a manatee?
Jason: Yeah, I'm from Jacksonville, Florida. It happens a lot.

What is going on in this community! Are you people aware of what's happening? What is driving you to this behavior? Is it the humudity? Is it the Muzak? Is it the white shoes?
—Jerry, Seinfeld, "The Pen"