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Quotes: Mark Kermode
Simon: (Reading correspondence on Transformers: Dark of the Moon) "...big alien machines, big explosions, big army stuff, fast cars, and battles and thats-gonna-hurt scenes. Very very entertaining, better than the last effort by miles. And with that spirit of optimism, let's find out what Mark thinks."
Mark: Well it's horrible, vile, vulgar and hideous, but it's important to understand why.

"In the middle of this there is a central thing which is 'I'm learning to love myself'. And I'm sitting there thinking, 'Yep, alright, go on'. What would have been really great is if at the end of the film what the person had learned was; you know what? (German accent) 'There is nothing but fear, desperation and murder'. Actually the last the last thing that should happen is she goes back to America, she goes back to Hollywood and Werner Herzog tells her that there is no God. The end."
Kermode on Eat, Pray, Love

Mark: Nobody. Nobody. Nobody, Nobody, Nobody, Nobody, Nobody, Nobody will enjoy New Years Eve. Nobody.
Simon: They will.
Mark: No they won't. No they won't. Genuinely won't. Even people who love this sort of nonsense will feel ill. It's a movie so bad, even stupid people will hate it.
...
Mark: Even the might of Zac Efron starts to be crushed under the horrible tidal wave of vomitus pulchritudinous filth.
Simon: Vomitus. Excellent.
Mark: Honestly. It is like — it is like something you that you would sick up after having eaten all the nasty consumerist porn of Christmas. This is like the vomit furball at the end of it. But the best thing is, no one will like it. People will pay to see it, people will pay to see it, it will be in the whatever-it-is, but no one will like it. No one in the world.
Kermode on New Year's Eve

It is the most boring, ploddingly put together, infantile, crass, adolescent, stupid, chauvinistic twaddle that I have sat through in a very very long time. The screaming awful noise of this thing, it's so boring! It's astonishing that you could take this many potentially incediary elements and make something that crushingly dull.
Kermode on Sucker Punch

Il est merde! Il est le plus grande merde dans le monde entier!
Kermode on The Idiots, in the middle of a screening at Cannes. He got thrown out

Here are three absolute truths:
1. The world is round.
2. We are all going to die.
Oh, I know loads of people paid to see POTC3 (as I believe it is known in the industry), and some of them may claim to have enjoyed it. But they didn't. Not really. They just think they did. As a film critic, an important part of my job is explaining to people why they haven't actually enjoyed a movie even if they think they have.
Kermode, The Good, the Bad and the Multiplex, Chapter two.

First up, the big problem with Titanic is that it isn't A Night to Remember. Whereas the latter is essentially a film about Englishness in crisis (and is therefore interesting), the former is a film about Hollywood in hysterics (and is therefore annoying). In A Night to Remember, the band played on. In Titanic, CÚline Dion sang.
Kermode, The Good, the Bad and the Multiplex, Chapter two.

The best joke I ever heard about the Saw series was from a listener to my Radio 5 Live film review show who had gone to a 7 p.m. multiplex screening of the fifth instalment [...] and had taken great delight in being able to to stride up to the ticket office and demand: "One to see Saw Five in Six at Seven." This began a long-running theme that found listeners seemingly planning their entire evening's entertainment on the basis of a numerical pun such as "One to 3-D Thor in Five at Six", which I found ludicrously entertaining.
Kermode, The Good, the Bad and the Multiplex, Chapter four.

[On the popularity of British movies about royalty with American audiences and Oscar voters:]
In the nineties, Her Majesty, Mrs Brown took around $10 million in US theatres and became an Oscar contender by telling the heart-warming story of a frosty queen who overcomes crippling bereavement by befriending and taking the advice of a beardy "gillie" whom no one else likes; in the noughties, The Queen took $56 million in US theatres and became an Oscar-winning hit by telling the heart-warming story of a frosty queen who overcomes crippling unpopularity (as a result of her apparent inability to display bereavement) by taking the advice of an upstart politician whom no one else trusts; and in 2010, The King's Speech took $138 million in US theatres and became an Oscar sensation after telling the heart-warming story of a frosty king who overcomes a crippling speech impediment by befriending and taking the advice of an upstart speech therapist of whom no one else has heard... from the colonies!
Kermode, The Good, the Bad and the Multiplex, Chapter five.


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