Simon: [reading a listener's email] "Having just seen the third installment of this nauseating franchise, I can safely assure the listening public that there is not a single element that suggests to me that we won't be getting a full-on Kermodian-style rant of the century. Put away your eyepatches, give up your rum bottles, turn your radios up to eleven, it's gonna be an absolute screamer." Mark, what did you think of the new Pirates movie?
Simon: You have lost your broadcasting rights. You are no longer a broadcasting legend.
He later includes the film in his roundup of his five worst films of 2010, and gives us this:
"Basically, it's this really annoying guy pretending to be an even more annoying kid screaming for about 90 minutes, and when I say screaming, I don't mean screaming like casual screaming, I mean SCREAMINGLIKETHIS! SCREAMINGLIKETHIS![continues emit ear-shredding screams and flails arms about]"
Simon: You're not going to get a rant about this...
The review of The Lady in the Water, especially the first few seconds.
Mark: It's a piece of self-aggrandising hogwash that involves the actors saying things like "The Narf is coming out of the tree followed by the Scrunt, but the Iggledy-Piggledy is hiding in the Booddly-Bong, and after a while the Eagle of Doom is going to -" and you're going "Shut up, shut up, shut up..."
"What is the value of grief when it is just ief with a gr at the end"....And it just goes on and on and on....!
The Cameron Diaz comedy "The Other Woman" gets a thorough going over by an unimpressed Mark ("Hey! Go crazy, empowerment! Woo!")
"I can't even remember what the name of the film is now..."
At the end of Mark's 10 Worst Films of 2012 retrospective, to introduce the top (or bottom) film on the list, he removes his glasses and produces two hardcover volumes of the Shorter Oxford English Dictionary, which he proceeds to bash against his head. After taking a moment to recover, he says, "Yes, that was actually more fun than watching Keith Lemon: The Movie."
In the actual review, he reveals that he decided that rummaging around for a missing five pence piece amongst all the gunge and detritus down the side of the cinema seat was actually more pleasant than watching the film.
Any time he does his Danny Dyer impression, such as when he reviewedRun For Your Wife.
His description of Pimp, a Danny Dyer film, which happens about two and a half minutes into Mark's Five Worst Films of 2010. What makes it funny is how he says the title, in a sort of a loud, high-pitched squeak:
"At three, it was three halfway through the year, it's still three at the end of the year, Pimp!, Danny Dyer's worst movie to date. What can we say about Pimp!? Well, there is an upside to it, apparently the film took around £205 in British cinema, so Pimp! was a total flop, which is great, because it make you think that, well you can say what you like about audiences being stupid but they stayed away from Pimp! in their droves, and I think as long as audiences stayed away from Pimp! there is hope for all of us. So at number three, bottom five films of the year, Pimp!"
"Listen, I've spent my whole life defending movies that people tell me are evil, and they're not. I get told horror movies are bad for you and action movies are bad for you and erotic thrillers are bad for you - no. Little Man is bad for the world."
In the first chapter of The Good, The Bad And The Multiplex, Mark briefly talks about the relationship between him and his laptop:
"A few weeks later, I would finally lose all patience with this piece of hi-tech machinery and conclude that it was actually possessed by the Assyrian demon of the south-west wind whose name I had once typed into a document thereby allowing it entry to the accursed wiring. In an attempt to cleanse its foul electronic soul, I took it out into the yard, laid it down on the cold, hard ground, then worked through our theological differences with the help of a large wooden stake that I drove through its inexorably blackened heart. The computer screamed and shattered and quaked like a soul in torment, levitating and spider-walking as the evil spirits fled from its head-spinning ruptured hard drive. And I was left with a profound feeling of calm and wellbeing, free at last from its hideous, Hadean taunts..."