Funny: Mark Kermode

  • He reviewed Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen on his blog... by repeatedly banging his head against a wall.
  • The mighty Pirates Three rant. For the icing on the cake, Simon Mayo gets so tired of listening to Mark rant that he starts reading the Daily Telegraph and eventually gets up and leaves for a few minutes to check the golf scores.
    Simon: [reading a listener's email] "Having just seen the third installment of this nauseating franchise, I can safely assure the listening public that there is not a single element that suggests to me that we won't be getting a full-on Kermodian-style rant of the century. Put away your eyepatches, give up your rum bottles, turn your radios up to eleven, it's gonna be an absolute screamer." Mark, what did you think of the new Pirates movie?
  • His thoughts on the horribly schmaltzy Elizabethtown.
    Mark: ... At which point it was all I could do to stop from standing up and shouting "STEWARDESS! The barf bag please!"
  • The review of Eat, Pray, Love... Vomit. Complete with alternate Werner Herzog ending.
  • To an extent, the Revolver review. Here is a film that is so bad, Mark actually feels sorry for the man who made it.
  • Mark finally cracks after seeing Fred The Movie (and annoys Simon immensely).
  • His take on improved American behavior in cinemas while watching Hall Pass.
    • "As far as Hall Pass is concerned, the movie sucked, but the film was great!"
  • There's a reason many consider his review of The Da Vinci Code to be a hilarious classic.
  • Another insanely funny classic is his review of Zack Snyder's Sucker Punch.
  • Mark Kermode demolishes Andrew Stanton's John Carter.note  Hilarity ensues.
  • His review of Mamma Mia!. The Good Doctor's reaction to the film isn't necessarily what you might expect.
  • His review of Rock of Ages. For Mark, it was GRUELING. GRUELING. GRUELING.
  • The AMAZING Sex and the City 2 review, including Mark singing The Internationale. Takes a little while to get going, but well worth the wait.
    Simon: You're not going to get a rant about this...
  • The review of Gamer, which begins with a Gerard Butler impression, which branches off into an impression of Ian Paisley.
  • The review of The Lady in the Water, especially the first few minutes.
    Mark: It's a piece of self-aggrandising hogwash that involves the actors saying things like "The Narf is coming out of the tree followed by the Scrunt, but the Iggledy-Piggledy is hiding in the Biddly-Bong, and after a while the Eagle of Doom is going to -" and you're going "Shut up, shut up, shut up..."
  • The sheer awfulness of Fred Claus prompts Mark to deliver some breaking news: "Satan has taken over Christmas, and we're all going to Hell in a handcart."
  • The Good Night review, with hilariously bad Penelope Cruz impression.
    Simon: Is she German?
    Mark: She's Werner Herzog's Bavarian cousin.
  • Before he goes to see a press screening of The Hangover: Part III, he promises to give the viewers his first opinions. He has nothing to say from the sheer awfulness of the sequel, as you can see here.
  • The Get Smart review, made hilarious by Mark's impression of Anne Hathaway's agent.
    Mark: [as her agent] I know she was in The Princess Diaries and everybody loves that, but she's got great legs...
  • The review of Seven Pounds. At the beginning, Mark reveals that Sony have explicitly told him and other journalists not to give away too much about the plot. And yes, Hilarity Ensues.
  • He describes the concept of the Santa Clause series as "Miracle on 34th Street meets David Cronenberg's The Fly." He also compared the third installment to tertiary syphilis.
  • His review of The Counselor (or The Counsellor in the UK) is another winner, especially when he imitates Brad Pitt's dialogue.
    "What is the value of grief when it is just ief with a gr at the end"....And it just goes on and on and on....!
  • The Cameron Diaz comedy The Other Woman gets a thorough going over by an unimpressed Mark ("Hey! Go crazy, empowerment! Woo!").
    "I can't even remember what the name of the film is now..."
  • His disparaging review of Film Socialisme, in which he says that the film is not so much a case of "The Emperor has no clothes" as "The Emperor is running down the street, waving his nouvelle vagues in your face, with a camera secreted somewhere the sun don't shine."
  • At the end of Mark's 10 Worst Films of 2012 retrospective, to introduce the top (or bottom) film on the list, he removes his glasses and produces two hardcover volumes of the Shorter Oxford English Dictionary, which he proceeds to bash against his head. After taking a moment to recover, he says, "Yes, that was actually more fun than watching Keith Lemon: The Movie."
  • Any time he does his Danny Dyer impression, such as when he reviewed Run For Your Wife.
  • His description of Pimp, a Danny Dyer film, which happens about two and a half minutes into Mark's Five Worst Films of 2010. What makes it funny is how he says the title, in a sort of a loud, high-pitched squeak:
    "At three, it was three halfway through the year, it's still three at the end of the year, Pimp!, Danny Dyer's worst movie to date. What can we say about Pimp!? Well, there is an upside to it, apparently the film took around 205 in British cinema, so Pimp! was a total flop, which is great, because it make you think that, well you can say what you like about audiences being stupid but they stayed away from Pimp! in their droves, and I think as long as audiences stayed away from Pimp! there is hope for all of us. So at number three, bottom five films of the year, Pimp!"
  • "If you go see Little Man, shame on you. Shame on you." According to Mark, the film isn't just bad or offensive, it's possessed by the devil. You can listen to his review here.
    "Listen, I've spent my whole life defending movies that people tell me are evil, and they're not. I get told horror movies are bad for you and action movies are bad for you and erotic thrillers are bad for you - no. Little Man is bad for the world."
  • In the review of Body of Lies, Mark says that you can tell the film is trying to be serious because of its aesthetic, the fact that it's incomprehensible, and because Russell Crowe is fat. There follows an amusing discussion about Russell Crowe's weight gain.
    Mark: Can I just say on behalf of those who carry around a little extra weight anyway, go away. I don't want you getting an award playing blokes who look like me, OK? Some of us are proud of the way we look. But Russell Crowe thinks that that's the way he demonstrates that he's doing a serious part is that he eats a bunch of cake, for about a month beforehand —
    Simon: I don't think it's a "bunch" of cake, by the way.
    Mark: You know, I think in his case, you know, I think it's a whole bunch of cake, mate. It really is.
  • The Marley and Me review. Apparently there is such as thing as "sentimentality porn''.
    Simon: You don't even think dog lovers are going to like it?
  • Mark's damning review of Terminator Salvationnote , which eventually turns into an epic rant against McGee! and his questionable efforts as a film director, complete with Mark's own theory as to why Christian Bale flipped out on the set of the film.
  • One of the Radio 5 listeners saying that they'd rather be defrosting the freezer than watching Animals United.
  • Mark takes a look at Movie 43 on his blog, and attempts to describe just how unfathomably bad it is.
    "I'm not making this up. At least, I keep trying to convince myself that it was all a bad dream, but I've now read other reviews, and they saw the same film as me."
  • His review of Charles Dickens's England. Not only was the film essentially a television programme masquerading as feature-length documentary, but he forced himself to sit through it for TWO! HOURS! TWO! HOURS! ("How long?") TWO! HOURS! And then there's his Derek Jacobi impression...
  • Kermode Uncut: A Transformers Christmas Doohicky. It's Christmas Day, and Mark settles down to open the presents he received from Michael Bay and McG...
  • In the first chapter of The Good, The Bad And The Multiplex, Mark briefly talks about the relationship between him and his laptop:
    "A few weeks later, I would finally lose all patience with this piece of hi-tech machinery and conclude that it was actually possessed by the Assyrian demon of the south-west wind whose name I had once typed into a document thereby allowing it entry to the accursed wiring. In an attempt to cleanse its foul electronic soul, I took it out into the yard, laid it down on the cold, hard ground, then worked through our theological differences with the help of a large wooden stake that I drove through its inexorably blackened heart. The computer screamed and shattered and quaked like a soul in torment, levitating and spider-walking as the evil spirits fled from its head-spinning ruptured hard drive. And I was left with a profound feeling of calm and wellbeing, free at last from its hideous, Hadean taunts..."
  • His attempt to explain "the science of 3D" on his blog, by dangling Smurfs in front of the camera. His conclusion? "See, either way, they still look like bloody Smurfs."
  • His utterly joyless (and very snarky) countdown of "The Ten Worst Christmas Movies Ever".
    "Christmas is coming, the Turkey's getting fat. Turn on the television and all you see is crapitty-crap-crap..."
  • The very brief and somewhat mournful review of Bad Grandpa. He has very little to say about it.
    Simon: [breaking the silence] Let me know when you've finished your review, by the way.
    Mark: That's really it.
  • The Bula Quo! review. The film baffled Mark because he could think of no reason for it to exist. He claims that not only did he struggle to stay awake, he struggled to stay alive.
  • The review of Moshi Monsters: The Movie is funny in itself, but it does contain a particularly hilarious moment in which Mark gives a few words on the clip:
    Mark: Now, if I can add to that, imagine the following experience. A sink in which someone has recently technicolour yawned. Put your head into it and into the waste disposal unit and turn it on, whilst that is playing in the background. That is what is awaitin' you for the adult audience taking the toddlers to see Moshi Monsters.
  • Very few films have left Mark speechless - but Nativity 3: Dude, Where's My Donkey actually managed to do it.
  • Mark's impressions. Some kind soul was good enough to compile a selection of them and upload them to YouTube.
  • Simon often says that Mark's comments should be put on the posters of the films he's criticising. Here's what it would look like if they actually did "put it on the poster", courtesy of Buzzfeed.