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Quotes: Literal-Minded
Between Data the walking thesaurus and Spock being confused by the deeper meaning of nursery rhymes, Iím starting to think that humans went out into the galaxy mainly to grin smugly at all the alien stiffs they could meet who donít get their jokes.

Now then, this particular Assyrian, the one whose cohorts were gleaming in purple and gold,
Just what does the poet mean when he says he came down like a wolf on the fold?
In heaven and earth more than is dreamed of in our philosophy there are great many things.
But I don't imagine that among them there is a wolf with purple and gold cohorts or purple and gold anythings.
No, no, Lord Byron, before I'll believe that this Assyrian was actually like a wolf I must have some kind of proof;
Did he run on all fours and did he have a hairy tail and a big red mouth and big white teeth and did he say Woof Woof?
Frankly I think it is very unlikely, and all you were entitled to say, at the very most,
Was that the Assyrian cohorts came down like a lot of Assyrian cohorts about to destroy the Hebrew host.
Ogden Nash, "Very Like A Whale"

In your otherwise beautiful poem, one verse reads,
Every moment dies a man,
Every moment one is born.
If this were true, the population of the world would be at a standstill. In truth, the rate of birth is slightly in excess of that of death. I would suggest [that the next edition of your poem should read]:
Every moment dies a man,
Every moment 1 1/16 is born.
Strictly speaking, the actual figure is so long I cannot get it into a line, but I believe the figure 1 1/16 will be sufficiently accurate for poetry.
Charles Babbage, in a letter to Alfred Tennyson

Please, I'm a scientist; I don't think, I observe.
Dr. Clayton Forrester, Mystery Science Theater 3000

"As I've explained repeatedly to Dr. Koothrappali, whose ability to comprehend the American idiom fails him when it's convenient..."
Sheldon Cooper, The Big Bang Theory

"This guy's becoming a major pain in my ass-"
"I detect no damage in the gluteal area."
Darius Mason and S.A.M, Red Faction Armageddon

That night, when I got home, I received a call from Mimi Dejour. She said she wanted to meet me at the club right away. Since I had no idea where the Club Right Away was, I suggested the Club Flamingo. She agreed.
Tracer (narrating), Calvin & Hobbes: The Series

Customer: Give me a Good Shake.
Ed: All right! *grabs the customer and shakes him*
Good Burger (deleted scene)

O'Malley: Attack!!!!!
Robots: Chaaaaaarge! (Begins walking very slowly)
O'Malley: You there, hurry along! And you in the back, hu-...Lopez! Can't you speed them up?
Lopez: In Spanish (This is there maximum velocity.)
O'Malley: This isn't what I asked for.
Lopez: In Spanish (You said you wanted a ''day'' of victory. At this speed, they will win in exactly 24 hours.)
O'Malley: (Sigh)
(Beat)
Robot: Chaaaaaarge!

At the farmers' market with my so-called "girlfriend"
She hands me her cell phone, says it's my dad.
Man, this ain't my dad1 This is a CELL PHONE!
The Lonely Island, "Threw It on the Ground"

Squidward: S-S-S-SpongeBob, w-w-w-what have you done!?
SpongeBob: I did exactly as you said, Squidward. I dismantled the establishment.
Sponge Bob Square Pants, "Squid on Strike"

"A drive-in? So you drive into the theater? How is that safe?"
— Kon Kujira, Groj Band

EDI: I had hoped to discuss how to provoke Jeff into an emotional commitment.
Shepard: That's not how to think about it. It's got to be natural. You need chemistry.
EDI: I see. There are a number of pharmaceuticals I could inject to stimulate the desired emotional response.

Okay, you know, I have been accused in the past of being somewhat literal-minded. I maintain that "Telephone" isn't about anything but a telephone, I think "Milkshake" was about a woman who makes really good milkshakes.

Moss: I never know what so say to people at funerals.
Jen: Just say "I'm sorry for your loss", then move on.
Roy: (to widow) I'm sorry for your loss.
Widow: Thank you.
Roy: Move on.

Iron Man: I'm bringing the party to you.
[Appears, pursued by a giant monster]
Black Widow: I— I don't see how that's a party.


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