Quotes: It Makes Sense in Context

Comics
Three... Cows... Shot... Me... Down. HELP ME...
The Vision, The Avengers Kree-Skrull War cover Reed Richards' punishment for the original 3 Skrull invaders was to force them to turn into cows and then erase their memories. They were eventually re-activated at the start of the Kree Skrull War and attacked the Vision as he was flying overhead.

The moose has my scent again! O!
Wolverine, X-Men

David: Was I really screaming at my hands?
Marcos: You were pretty pissed off at those hands.
The Sculptor David is an artist whose hands have the superpower of shaping any material into anything he wants. But after a really crappy day where all of his new art got bad reviews and failed to sell, leaving him homeless with no money, David had a nervous breakdown and began screaming at his hands for "betraying" him.

Damn you and your lemonade!
Green Lantern, All-Star Batman & Robin, the Boy Wonder Green Lantern's powers don't work on anything colored yellow. In the comic he arranges a meeting with Batman, only to find he and Robin have painted the entire Bat-Cave yellow, rendering Lantern helpless. This even gets down to the food they're serving, including lemonade.

Fan Fiction
So, Calvin's the Earth Potentate, Hobbes and Socrates are robots and you're a Pharaoh. All together an off day.

Film
I beat the shit out of some kids today, but it was for a purpose. It made me feel good about myself. It's like I did something constructive with my life, like I accomplished something.
Willie Stokes, Bad Santa

"Hello. My name is Elliot Moore. I'm just going to talk in a very positive manner, giving off good vibes. We're just here to use the bathroom, and we're just going to leave. I hope that's okay... Plastic. I'm talking to a plastic plant. I'm still doing it."
Elliot Moore, The Happening Plants are forcing people to kill themselves. Elliot initially assumes that the plastic plant is real and tries to talk it out of doing so to him.

"I'm gonna lay eggs in that man's ears."
Barry Speck, Dinner for Schmucks Barry's friend Tim has instructed him to get back at his rival by playing a Paranoia Gambit with him, comparing it to an earwig laying eggs in people's ears.

Master has presented Dobby with clothes! Dobby is free!
Dobby, Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets In House Elf culture, which is what Dobby is, if a master is to present an enslaved House Elf with clothes, it means they are (according to how they interpret it) either free or fired. Dobby took the former meaning.

By the authority granted to me by his imperial majesty Kaiser Wilhelm the Second, I now pronounce you man and wife. Proceed with the execution.
Captain of the Louisa, The African Queen Getting married was the protagonists' last request.

You're not gonna believe this, but it's a one-wheeled haystack.
Napoleon, The Aristocats Napoleon is looking at an unattached sidecar of a motorcycle with a hay bale on top of it, due to driving into it.

Then I just spray them with the taco!
Lord Business, The LEGO Movie Lord Business is demonstrating his superweapon, the TAKOS (the "S" is silent), which sprays Krazy Glue to permanently freeze the inhabitants of the LEGO world.

"[The game is] a floor plan to Area 51 as well as an access key, and every cartridge contained a piece of the alien ship."
Angry Video Game Nerd: The Movie The Nerd is talking about a Plot Point of the film during his review of the Eee Tee game at the movie's very end. Made even better when the review was later released as an episode of the web show, with all the Eee Tee window dressing removed to present the real game it is based on, and the line is kept intact.

You are standing in my brain.
Arnim Zola, Captain America: The Winter Soldier Scientist Dr. Zola contracted a terminal disease; while he lost his body, his mind was uploaded into a supercomputer from which he aided the reborn HYDRA organization. Zola says the line in response to Captain America and Black Widow finding the secret bunker filled with the databanks compiling his mind.

Literature
Just then, Neville caused a slight diversion by turning into a large canary.
Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire Neville ate a custard cream with a hex put on it; anyone who eats them turns into a canary.

Mr Wonka looked first at Grandma Josephine. She was sitting in the middle of the huge bed, bawling her head off. "Wa! Wa! Wa!", she said. "Wa! Wa! Wa! Wa! Wa!"
Charlie and the Great Glass Elevator Grandma had just been age-regressed to a baby by one of Wonka's treats.

It's amazing that no one has yet blamed me for not being more proactive in the battle against the cow.
Quentin "Q" Jacobsen, Paper Towns

"You're saying that we should send Carrot away to be a duck among humans because Bjorn Stronginthearm is my uncle?"
Dwarf King, Guards! Guards!! Carrot is a human who has been raised by dwarves (despite being six foot tall), and the Dward King is discussing a representative of Ankh-Morpork about having Carrot leave the mine to live among humans instead. However, dwarves do not understand idioms very well, so the man's use of the phrase "Bob's your uncle" prompted the confused reply "Surely Bjorn Strongingthearm is my uncle", and the reference to Carrot being "a duck raised among chickens" further confuses the subterranean-dwelling dwarf.

Are you Jesus, Fred Durst?
David Wong, John Dies at the End

And then, once I was charged into my clothes, I was a lot calmer than me, so-
Generator, Whateley Universe, "Ayla and the Great Shoulder Angel Conspiracy"

Colorless green ideas sleep furiously.
Syntactic Structures The book was giving an example of a sentence that was grammatically correct but didn't actually mean anything.

Four men were huddled in the furthest corner from the bomb-bunged door. They comprised possibly the most unlikely quartet in literary history, being: a risen-from-the-ranks bunker-boy, whose promotion prospects had never looked bleaker; a visitor from another star, who really wished he wasn't; the Dalai Lama, now unemployed; and a time-travelling Elvis Presley with a sprout in his head.
And they say nothing is new. Bah humbug!

Arthur: And you're telling me the Earth was destroyed five minutes too early?
Slartibartfarst: Shocking cock up. The mice were furious.
The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy Mice turn out to be physical manifestations of extra-dimensional beings, who created Earth to serve as an enormous supercomputer calculating the ultimate question to life, the universe, and everything. However, Earth was destroyed five minutes before it had finished calculating the results.

Everyone! Catch that butterfly!
Jake, Animorphs #19: The Departure The lead kids can turn into animals, but only for two hours or they'll get stuck as that animal forever. Cassie was trapped as a caterpillar, but her friends discovered that turning into a butterfly counts as morphing, meaning Cassie's got a second chance to change back into a human.

Live-Action TV
Yes! I am the king of gay chicken!
Ben, Scrubs

We need to save Buffy from Hansel and Gretel.

You know, Darren, if you'd told me twenty-five years ago that some day I'd be standing here about to solve the world's energy problems, I would've said you were crazy. Now let's push this giant ball of oil out the window.
Kramer, Seinfeld He was testing the idea of filling a giant rubber ball with oil and pushing it out the window to see if it can restrain the impact for the benefit of oil tankers.

We've known each other for almost two years now. And yeah, in that time I've given a lot of speeches, but they all have one thing in common: they're all different. These drug runners aren't going to execute Pierce because he's racist. It's a locomotive that runs on us, and the only sharks in that water are the emotional ghosts that I like to call fear, anchovies, fear, and the dangers of ingesting mercury. Because the real bugs aren't the ones in those beds. And there's no such thing as a free Caesar salad and even if there were, The Cape might still find a second life on cable, and I'll tell you why: el corazon del agua es verdad. That water is a lie! Harrison Ford is irradiating our testicles with microwave satellite transmissions. So maybe we ARE caught in an endless cycle of screw ups and hurt feelings, but I choose to believe that this is just the universe's way of molding us into some kind of super group [...] like the Traveling Wilburys of pain.
Jeff Winger, Community It's actually a composite of several separate speeches, all of which took place offscreen at different points in the series.

I'm gonna eat spaceman paninis with Black Hitler, and there's nothing you can do about it!
Troy Barnes, Community Troy has to choose between his friends and his trade school. Part of its entrance exam was held in a room with a black man dressed as Adolf Hitler and a spacesuit-clad man pressing paninis.

Now drop your weapon, or I'll kill him with this deadly jelly-baby!
The Doctor, Doctor Who, The Face of Evil

It appears we have lost our sex appeal, captain.

Mickey: What's a horse doing on a spaceship?
The Doctor: Mickey, what's pre-revolutionary France doing on a spaceship? Get a little perspective.
Doctor Who, "The Girl in the Fireplace" The Doctor and company had discovered several portals on a spaceship including one in the shape of an antique fireplace, all of which led back to pre-revolutionary France

Did Guy the Guy Guy get you a Baby Guy?

"So come on sandwich, build me a lemon because froggy wants to come home."
Howard, The Big Bang Theory Howard was using Spy Speak and was actually requesting Bernadette to build him a rocket so he could get home from outer space.

Sally: She cares about you so much she is upstairs about to have sex with another man.
Dick: [thrilled] She would do that for me?!
3rd Rock from the Sun The other man is an Evil Twin.

Peter, is your social worker in that horse?
Will Graham, Hannibal: Su-Zakana Peter was framed for murder by his social worker, who killed his favorite horse when he tried to tell the police. He attacked the social worker and sewed him into the dead horse so he could feel what it was like to be buried and/or to metamorphose him into a better person.

You think this is my first snake and security guard on bunny man and giant chicken fight?
Diego, Mr. Young, "Mr. Spring Break" While preparing to fight Adam, Diego called on his security guard and pet python to help. Slabb then came to back up Adam while dressed in a bunny suit, along with a giant chicken named Sasquawk

"Why would the shapeshifting pilgrim boy leave us at a time when the Detroit pineapple crop was being threatened by a giant potato bug?"
Jimmy the Robot, The Aquabats! Super Show!

I know those pots aren't flowers...they're my mother's vagina!
Jack Donaghy, 30 Rock

The pen and the eraser are taking the pencil home.
Bill Cosby, The Cosby Show Vanessa's boyfriend had just said that he and she go together like a pencil and an eraser, and Bill had wondered if that made him and his wife the pen and ink.

Take it easy, this is my first time yelling at a bag of chips!
Cabe Gallo, Scorpion

Last Week Tonight with John Oliver (yes, it needs its own subsection)
You're locked inside a prison of your own mind, Susan! Begone, demon bladder! BEGONE!
John Oliver He was commenting on the famous Myrbetriq commercial with the anthropomorphic bladder.

Isis is a menace, and it is 100% up to you, Peru, to get rid of them. Then, and only then do you have permission to clamber back on a surfboard with a sopping wet alpaca.

WHO GIVES A SHIT? I don't care about the fruit flies, I only care about the frozen fuck lizards!
John Oliver He was upset that five Russian geckos died in space in an experiment to monitor their mating habits went horribly wrong.

Scorpions, what is wrong with you? Stop hiding in bananas in Pittsburg area Walmarts, get your shit together, and fight terrorism like snakes and bees!

Nerd³ (yes, it needs its own subsection)
Noticeably absent from this game is Voldemort, the lucky bastard.
Nerd³ Dan once joked that all the van drivers in the hell of Airport Simulator 2014 were Voldemort, based on their bald, pale appearances. When Airport Simulator 2015, a game arguably worse than its boring, repetitive predecessor, came out, with no models at all for drivers, this came up.

I’m pregnant! And the man stands there and an arse forms around his face.
Nerd³ When discussing shock absorbers, he mentioned how good for absorbing shock the human bottom is. Somehow, he then decided that it is equally functional for absorbing the metaphorical shock of a girlfriend's sudden pregnancy.

My eyes are sticking out of my other eyes, but I’m okay with that. And now we will evolve legs.
Nerd³ The Video Game/Spore creature creator can produce some odd-looking things. One of Dan's creations had eyestalks protruding from other eyestalks, and he decided that he would invest in giving the creature legs.

You’re not a half-melted blow-up doll of Sheldon Cooper either! What is happening in this town?
Nerd³ In one of the Farm Simulator games, Dan went in to town and tried to stop a car by standing in front of it. He expected, rather reasonably, to see a non-photorealistic low-poly model that vaguely resembled Sheldon Cooper of The Big Bang Theory, but instead the model was slightly well-designed. Not much, but slightly.

Fuck everything! I was killed by a wooden bot who can hover his way up a fucking lamp.
Nerd³ Dan was having a lot of bad luck playing against bots in Counter-Strike: Global Offensive, and one particularly infuriating moment for him was when he shot an entire magazine at a bot while it was climbing very quickly up a ladder. The bot then turned around and shot him. The bit about the lamp was a slip of the tongue.

Oh! You have boat! I’m going to put it in your boat! Ow! MY COW!
Nerd³ In Grand Theft Auto V, Dan had commandeered a bulldozer, caught a cow in the scoop, killing it in the process, and driven onto the highway when he spotted a passing car with a boat attached to the end. His attempt to give the man a free cow was unsuccessful, and resulted in the cow being knocked away into traffic.

Is that enough? No. Another layer of cows!
Nerd³ One of the defense mechanisms in Rock of Ages is to place down cows that will attempt to push the enemy boulder off the edge of the course. Dan put down a line of cows, decided it was insufficient to stop the boulder, and put another behind it.

Yes, there are deer sliding around on the mountains of praline.
Nerd³ While playing Video Game/Banished, Dan noticed that the deer had no animations, and thus, as they moved, appeared to be ice-skating on the prairie. He then somehow bungled the word prairie, and in each attempt to correct himself, his pronunciation moved closer and closer to "praline".

I am reentering the atmosphere, and I killed a pig. Man, I am the greatest in the universe.
Nerd³ Angry Birds Space may give one delusions of grandeur after successfully eliminating the enemy pigs.

Disregard if you were thinking of a team of synchronised swimming lemmings.
Nerd³ Dan was asked if, upon the drowning of one synchronised swimmer, the others drowned with them. He replied that they aren't lemmings, and as such are not inherently suicidal. Then this was aid.

I couldn’t figure out how ladders worked and now I’m trapped in some sort of nether plane.
Nerd³ Video Game/Battlefield4 is very buggy. Very buggy. In the singleplayer, in a level taking place in some Chinese city, there's one ladder from a roof down into a plaza that Dan simply could not climb down, no matter how hard he tried; instead, he would fall off and die as he hit the floor. After about 5 attempts, he, instead of being respawned on the roof above the ladder, was teleported across the plaza, behind the Chinese lines, and into a building he wasn't yet supposed to see. It hadn't yet loaded, and he fell through the floor into a pit with white walls with no escape route.

What does he have on his wall? Oh, it’s wanted posters, I thought it was screaming cheese.
Nerd³ The sheriff in Video Game/Westerado has wanted posters on the wall in his office. However, since they are very low-resolution, and are orangey-yellow, they look a bit like cheese with a gaping mouth-like hole.

Bastards! I set my penis on fire for nothing!
Nerd³ In Grand Theft Auto V, while trying to set Non-Player Characters on fire, Dan poured out gasoline from the Jerry Can in the shape of a penis, then shot it, setting the gasoline on fire. No Non-Player Characters were caught in the resulting conflagration, to Dan's dismay.

It’s being attacked by an aubergine on wheels.
Nerd³ There's a... thing... in Noby Noby Boy that looks like, well, and aubergine on wheels. It once trundled towards Dan aggressively. Yeah, even context doesn't really help here.

How many times have you seen two sparrows, gathering all their sparrow friends, sitting on a branch, wearing a white gown and having a sparrow wedding?
Nerd³ While discussing the fact that many people claim that gay marriage is "unnatural", Dan raised the point that marriage as a concept is almost unheard of in the animal kingdom. This was his example.

It’s like, ‘If you live near a lake and know someone with black hair, fill in section 24-7,’ and you’re like 'WAUGHAUWA’ and eyes come out of your blood.
Nerd³ Dan was talking about how confusing tax forms are. He meant to say "blood comes out of your eyes", but got mixed up.

This isn’t our face spacebase rodeo.
Nerd³ Dan was building a space station, and a text pop-up came up that said "this isn't our first spacebase rodeo". Dan's not very good at pronunciation.

What do you think, Demon kitty? ‘I think we should kill them all.’ Demon kitty, this is why you didn’t get elected president.
Nerd³ In Grand Theft Auto: San Andreas, before going out to survive a riot, Dan was looking at magazines that were lying on his bed, when he noticed one was an advertisement for an in-game location. He wondered to himself out loud what to do, turned around, and asked the picture of the cat on the wall behind himself. In the editing booth, he turned the picture a red tint and artificially lowered his voice to say "kill them all". Context doesn't help much here.

Imagine Hitler, and add tits. Then add 50-60 thousands years… and a slightly stronger allegiance to Satan.
Nerd³ Describing Margaret Thatcher.

Your own personal bottom. You know, the one you keep in a drawer.
Nerd³ Dan had just taken a particularly difficult corner in the game F1 2012, and he observed that it had been "a butt-clenching corner". Of course, he meant not clenching somebody else's butt, but clenching his own.

You may be wondering why I’m showing you two people who appear to be made out of balloons, one of whom has a tired soul.
Nerd³ The characters in Video Game/Toribash are comprised of multiple spheres and rectangular prisms in representing various bones and muscle groups of the human body. The spheres happen to look like balloons. The player character only shows a semi-transparent animation of what would happen were the player to advance the game by 10 frames of animation without changing what any muscles are doing. At the start, with no muscles clenched, this transparent animation invariably just falls over.

Okay, I’ve eaten, ah, Venus.
Nerd³ In Universe Sandbox, Dan scaled the Earth up to many thousands of times the diameter of the sun, but kept its mass constant so it would not affect the orbits of any other bodies. However, due to Kepler's third law, Venus, whose orbital radius is smaller than that of Earth, moves faster around the sun than the Earth does. Venus just kept getting closer and closer with each orbit, until, one day, it crashed into Australia and was absorbed.

Newspaper/Newspaper Comics
"And in other news, a jumbo jet narrowly avoided colliding with a math book today..."
News Reporter, Foxtrot Jason's back-to-school homework was so light, it literally caused his backpack to float into the air and he had to unzip it to fall.

Norway goat cheese fire closes tunnel
BBC News About 27 tonnes of caramelised brown goat cheese caught light as it was being driven through the Brattli Tunnel at Tysfjord, northern Norway

"I AM NOT BACON!"
Calvin, Calvin and Hobbes Calvin told a sleeping Hobbes that his family would be in trouble if he was "bringing home the bacon". Hobbes then pounced on him, picked him up using his mouth, and put him down.

Stand-Up Comedy
As soon as I put this hot poker in my ass, I'm going to chop my dick off!

"Dude, you are a cow. The metamorphosis is complete. Don't fall asleep, I will tip you over."
Mitch Hedberg, He said this to someone that was wearing a leather jacket while eating a burger and drinking a glass of milk.

TV Tropes

The book mentions Toto from The Wizard of Oz as Dorothy's Lover.
TV Tropes Lover is an archetype in Master Support Characters, representing Dorothy's secure base rather than, well, a lover.

Being voiced by a tuba, he has the deepest voice of all the characters.
Characters.Dont Starve In Don't Starve, characters don't actually speak. The things they say appear above their heads, while an instrument "speaks" out loud for them. Wolfgang's instrument that plays when he talks is a tuba. Ironically, may also apply to Big Band from Skullgirls.

Placing down any ingredient results in a "thwack" sound. This can get very absurd if the player has managed to get very good at a given minigame, such as binding Q, W, E and R to the four initial ingredients of lasagna.
VideoGame.Cook Serve Delicious In Cook, Serve, Delicious, foods are made by pressing the keys they're set to. Naturally, lasagna is layered, usually with the same few starting layers, meaning people can just set their keys so that making lasagna is a cinch.

Gets along well with Maxwell as they are known for creating all sorts of things to their liking. A prophecy states that when the end of the world comes, the two will use their powers to fill the new world with wondrous things the likes that no one has ever seen before. Until then, the House of Commerce has been making bets to see who can one-up each other to see what type of crazy things they can create.
Craft Overdeities And Greater Gods The Overdeity/Greater God in question is Sackboy, well known for the creation aspect of his home series. Scribblenauts is another game where you can create just about anything that you can think of, so naturally these two would be the creators of the new world (or just top each other in ridiculous creations).

Video Games
"Mmm... Your love is delicious... Hee hee!"
Nah, Fire Emblem Awakening. She traveled from an apocalyptic future to the present, incredibly malnourished. The Avatar cooks real food for her. As the relationship develops, he eventually says it is made with his love for her.

"I WANT TO BE MANHANDLED!"
Inigo, Fire Emblem Awakening. He's talking to Gerome, who was supposed to be serving as his wingman for picking up women. The girls instead all flocked to Gerome, and he, annoyed, describes himself as being "manhandled", leading to Inigo's response.

"But I... I live on! Through this arm!"
Liquid Ocelot, Metal Gear Solid 2: Sons of Liberty. Ocelot is being possessed by the dead villain of the previous game, Liquid Snake, through the latter's hand being grafted onto Ocelot's right arm.

I hear it's amazing when the famous purple stuffed worm in flapjaw space with the tuning fork does a raw blink on hari-kari rock. I need scissors. 61!
Colonel Campbell, Metal Gear Solid 2: Sons of Liberty The Colonel turns out to be a malfunctioning artificial intelligence.

So. How are you holding up? BECAUSE I'M A POTATO.
GLaDOS, Portal 2. Thanks to further Unwilling Roboticisation, GLaDOS has been moved from a robot body to a potato body. No, that is not a euphemism or metaphor, her body consists of an eye, a circuit board, and a potato.

I have done nothing but teleport bread for three days.
Soldier, Team Fortress 2 The Engineer was putting bread in the teleporters he invented to show that they gave deadly tumors. During this he told the Soldier, who's a huge ditz, that he could teleport as much bread as he wanted, thinking tumors in bread were harmless. Later the Engineer discovered that only bread gets tumors from teleportation, which would cause it to mutate into vicious bread critters. Unfortunately the Soldier had been teleporting his loaf of bread for three days, thus it had mutated into an enormous bread monster.

Fixed a bug where players could be teleported to hell and not have visible bumper car.
—November 7, 2014 update to Team Fortress 2 The map Helltower teleports everyone to a sublevel called "Hell" where the two teams face off with no respawning. Another map, Carnival of Carnage, has minigames where everyone fights in bumper cars. Modders started combining the two maps, resulting in glitches where not every player would have a bumper car when transported in Helltower.

Yay, Cancer!
—Whenever you pick up the Cancer trinket in The Binding of Issac: Rebirth. The Cancer trinket in this game (and the original) increases your Tears (The fire ratio) by 2. The quote itself is an Ascended Meme due to the trinket's usefulness in the game.

Is that what makes [Riki] so bouncy? Maybe I need to eat more orbs...
Shulk, Xenoblade Chronicles The full gain path in the Heart-to-Heart, 'At the Pollen Works' (If Shulk comments of Riki's resourcefulness) involves Riki revealing about the edibility of pollen orbs, or at least, the yellow and blue orbs are edible. The red ones are implied to hurt Riki's stomach.

Visual Novels
Baseballs have stitches! Are you saying that all baseballs are suspicious!?
Phoenix Wright, Phoenix Wright: Ace Attorney: Justice For All A bellboy has just been labeled as suspicious because he had stitches on his face. Phoenix is desperately trying to stall for time so the police can find his assistant's kidnapper in time.

People die if they are killed.
Emiya Shirou, Fate/stay night It's a play on the Japanese idiom "won't die, even if you kill him," which means "tough."

Web Comics
Kicking a kitten... A grown man punting a kitten who was looking the other way... It was the bravest thing I've ever seen.
Torg, Sluggy Freelance at the end of the KITTEN story arc The kittens in question are the offspring of Satan... and no, that doesn't make sense either, but imagine if the Killer Rabbit from Monty Python was a cat and was obsessed with mittens, milk, and hunting people, and you'd get these kittens. So kicking them? Actually pretty brave.

Are you going to eat the rest of your clothes?
Aylee, Sluggy Freelance Aylee is an alien, who transforms occasionally to better adapt to the environment. In the one she had adapted to then, she was an extreme omnivore who ate whatever she could get her limbs on... including clothes.

Alright, we need to know where this store house is, because there is a guy there who is eating the burgers to produce fuel for his organic jetpack.

Okay, bacon. BACON, DAMMIT!!!
Grim-Eyes, Digger

Jesus is Magic? No, WHALES are Magic. They saved the Titanic with a giant pink octopus and horny mice!
Wolf, Here, Wolf A reference to the animated film The Legend of the Titanic.

Jamie: How are we going to get out of here?
Adam: Mars, or 1947?
Jamie: Both!

I am going to sneak up on my sister and eat her dog brain.
Lobster Man, Axe Cop

Scott: And my escape will be a piece of cake, 'cause nobody's gonna get in the way of a giant mass of angry dogs walking down the street.
Rick: Especially if it's carrying a urinal.

I just can't wait for the Better Homes and Gardens list of helpful tips for household reuse of sixteen-inch acrylonitrite-butadiene-styrene phalluses.
Alt Text from an xkcd strip. The comic talks about the public release of 3D printers, leading to spam e-mails containing actual enlarged "members".

"After all, there's nothing better than a giant Zack Ryder and Nick Carraway from The Great Gatsby reincarnated as a sheep."
NES Boy, this Square Root of Minus Garfield strip The strip was combining three earlier comics into one, all editing a strip where Jon leaps over Garfield exclaiming "Woo woo woo!". One replaced Garfield with a sheep and made Jon a giant, another replaced Garfield's dialogue with lines from Nick, and the last replaced Jon with Zack.

I realized that while this situation makes sense if you've been following along, for someone just coming in, it's complete nonsense.
George and Chadling have apparently merged, Mynd is there and missing his arms and legs, Proto Man is stuck in a block of cheese, Nate is spread all over everything in a fine mist, and they're all standing on a pile of ninjas.
You can see why Dr. Light is a little confused.

"I was just temporarily lesbian because I was possessed by a zombie!"
— Dr. Lee, Skin Horse, Railway Children arc

"I GAVE YOUR WHOLE UNIVERSE CANCER"
Karkat Vantas, Homestuck He was supposed to breed a frog with a specific genetic code, which would aid in the creation of a new universe. He made a mistake in doing so, resulting in a frog with a massive tumor and a flawed universe.

Commander Badass: Look, I'm sorry we uh, accidentally disintegrated Gackt with fish lasers before y'got a chance t'talk t'him, I'm man enough t'admit when I act irrationally an' fuck up.
Jung Ji-Hoon: It's okay, give it a month and he'll Advent Children or Dissidia himself back into the spotlight.
Manly Guys Doing Manly Things Gackt, here a walking JRPG parody, has been vaporized by a Hyper Beam fired by a pet Gyarados. Jung Ji-Hoon wanted to ask him to stop making fighting robots in his image.

Everybody out of the god damn way. You got a hat full of bomb, a fist full of penis, and a head full of empty.
Homestuck The Ditz is on a rampage, wielding a cane fashioned from a bull penis and carrying some C4 under his hat.

If I smash the little hover-projector does the koala-god feel pain?
Elf, Schlock Mercenary She's referring to a flying machine that contains a hologram emitter, which is being used by Petey, a nearly god-like artificial intelligence whose avatar is that of the species that created him, the Ob'enn, which do resemble koalas.

Kanzaki: I don't want to see her be raped by machines.
Touma: Okay, that's it. How the hell can you say that when you've never even tried it?

Check his flower pot. Check his flower pot for gay porn. We desperately need those new dresses.
Tycho, Penny Arcade The comic explains it best: "In Shadow Hearts: Covenant, you collect gay pornography which you can trade to a homosexual tailor. In exchange (sic), he will produce fabulous, tiny dresses for your living doll."

Nicole: Damn it, Sam, I don't want you to die on a flying building full of ninjas!
Sam: I don't want you to die on a flying building full of ninjas, either!
(They make out)

Joshua...I need to tell you something...but I'm having trouble turning you into a sloth, so it needs to be in the dark.

"I am a. Servant of humanity. Wielder. Of the rubber ball. You shall not pass!"
Blunt, Free Fall Blunt is talking to a wolf. He thinks the ball will distract her from acting against what he sees as humanity's best interests.

Hey Klaus! We're going to Mars on a rowboat! Beat that!
Barry Heterodyne, Girl Genius Bill and Barry's Mad Scientist father accidentally opened a portal to Mars in his lab, from which a robotic dragon emerged to conquer humanity (that bit doesn't really make much more sense in context, to be honest). Having destroyed the dragon with an 'ocean in a bottle' magic item, they are now using the rowboat to access the portal at the bottom of the whirlpool now filing the lab, so they can go to Mars and wipe out the dragons at their source.

Web Original
We aren't cooking centaurs though, we're talking about biology.
— Insufficient Dakka, SpaceBattles.com

If you don't pee, I'm gonna die, Julian! Your pee could save my life.
Toby, JulianSmith.tv, Urine This Together Julian's using the bathroom with the door open. Toby can't walk past the bathroom door under those circumstances until Julian's done, but Julian can't pee with Toby lingering outside, leaving them both at a deadlock. Also, Toby is being held at gunpoint by an intruder.

Satan walked by, carrying a basket of carrots.
Broken Apocalypse The protagonists are demons. Satan is a fairly minor character, and carrots are her Trademark Favorite Food.

(oh yeah
in case it wasn’t clear
the prince in the bull was the baby from the box who got killed
and then turned into a fruit tree
and then got eaten by a cow and then born as a bull
I don’t know why that wouldn’t be clear though)
Myths Retold, "The Speckled Bull is Like The Speckled Band Except Not At All"

"'Allow me to compliment you on my Pyramid of Khufu, m'lady.'...That's my impression of Mickey Mouse visiting Egypt."
Cracked.com, 6 Retro Ads With Accidental Sexual Innuendos In one ad, Mickey Mouse claims ownership of something that might not be his while simultaneously complimenting it. The article's author takes this and runs with it.

"WHO'S BEEN IN YOU, YOU FILTHY WHORE!?"
Rage Rider to EZ Rider Rage Rider is an Imagin, a monster who possesses people, and sticks to EZ Rider. His shock and rage comes when he notices the smell of another Imagin who had just recently possessed him.

"DEATH! DEATH! DEEEEEEAAAAAAAATH!!!!!!" (lean forward for kiss)
Cracked.com, 7 Innocent Gestures That Can Get You Killed Overseas One of the gestures is half a dozen roses, symbolic of affection in the US and death in Russia.

"[Y]ou can't have it both ways: You don't hire a Nazi clown to teach your kids about the Holocaust..."
Cracked.com, The 5 Most Excessively Creepy Children's Educational Videos The article is using an analogy to explain what's wrong with something from one of said videos.

I nearly collapsed in a vagina!

Couldn't you just... talk to your boob?
Sawyer7mage, on Naruto chapter 577

I've been waiting my entire life to type [this]: One of the Rock and Roll Space Bandits switched to keytar mode and rocked the mind of a construction worker into hitting the giant lobster with a crane.

A short while ago I wrote a column on words we always mix up with other words, where I drew shoddy pictures of things like Superboy being shot out of a Superman-shaped cannon. This completely made sense in the context of the article.
Cracked.com, 8 Words the Internet Loves to Confuse With Other Words One of the aforementioned mixups was "canon" and "cannon".

The dog peed on my leg again, that little Bulgarian homosexual.
Cracked.com, 8 Racist Words You Use Every Day. One of the words was "bugger", which originated as a slur against Bulgarians/gays.

GET OUT OF MY PLANT'S MIND. >:(
Roxy, Let's Play Pokémon Crystal Chapter 33 An opponent's Pokémon used Mind Reader on her Grass-type.

Anyway, they see a DOG peeing on Nebbercracker’s lawn be… EATEN by the house…
Duckyworth on Monster House. The premise of the film is about a haunted house that literally comes to life, and devours it's victims. The dog was one of the victims of the house.

[Sally snaps and tries to grab Talula in anger. Talula just sits back and Sally's grabbed by someone. She turns around to see that she's being held by two ninjas]
Talula: You don't think that I have bodyguards? I was thinking kids in suits of armor, but I decided to go with ninjas.
Growing Around, Best Enemies Growing Around is set in an universe where kids have the role of adults and vice versa. Within this, things like the currency being also being a TCG, and kids teaching adults in school are all possible within the world. The ninjas are simply part of the world running on Rule of Cool.

There you have it, folks! ACTUAL WEEPING COCK FTW!
trailertralk sporking the fic Safety in Submission The fic used the phrase "weeping cock", which coincidentally is the name of a community dedicated to mocking bad porn (and where its spork would later be posted).

Web Video
I'm in a submarine that's made out of my dog.

Must. Lick. Rod!
Yami Bakura, Yu-Gi-Oh! The Abridged Series, "Fun In Yugi's Mind"

This is just a giant pair of nostrils... so that means I'm about to enter the moustache... it's good to go in heavily armed.
Gordon Freeman, Freemans Mind

I didn't know you could grow Viagra trees.

Boner. Boner boner. Boner boning a boner. Boner boner. Erect penis.
Linkara He thought the reason his fans wanted him to review an old Batman comic was so they could hear him say "boner."

Yeah! I'm shooting ducks with a piano!
The Angry Video Game Nerd This quote is from a special on NES accessories, one of which is a piano keyboard. The game the AVGN is playing, a digital piano teacher, contains a minigame where you have to play notes to shoot ducks as they swim across a music staff.

"Get out of your tornado!"

Well, that's just brilliant. Now, I'm going to have to arrange for a giant space dick to appear! SPACE WIFE! Fetch the silver paint and a time belt!
Alien elder, Branches: Aliens

Nostalgia Critic: (to his past self) She's funny and attractive! There's this really great scene [in Wedding Crashers] where she ties Vince Vaughn to a bed and puts a sweaty sock in his mouth...
Past NC: Do I have to become you?
NC: IT WORKS IN CONTEXT!

Obama: Being the overweight, rambunctious, white man that I am, it's my job to go Ted Kennedy on this beer.
The Nostalgia Critic, review of Pixels Doug, thinking Kevin James typecasted as the president was too far of a logic stretch, illustrates this by just going with Obama to drive home how ridiculous a president like that would be.

"Perhaps I, Dio, should take off his pants..."
Dio Brando, JoJo's Bizarre Adventure Abridged He's trying to see if Jotaro's really dead. "After all, they say after you die, you do sh*t yourself."

Whoa, I thought she was topless for a minute...And then I realized she had no mouth, and she was a potato.

This has never happened before. I'm finally in a three-way.
Wil Wheaton, Tabletop As in a three-way tie.

That was nothing like the back of the box. Where's my space lobster?
Strong Bad, Homestar Runner, "Drive-Thru" Strong Bad was hoping a model rocket would shoot all the way to Europa (one of Jupiter's moons) and bring back a "Europa-pean lobster." It shot up less than a foot into the air.

What manner of uncivilized ribcage is this, anyways?
Old Timey Strong Bad, Homestar Runner, Sickly Sam's Big Outing Old-Timey Strong Bad had been swallowed by Sickly Sam and was complaining that the only game in his stomach was Parcheezi.

"What am I doing wrong!? Why is there blood everywhere?! Why am I enjoying this so much!?"
Rachel from React She's playing Sonic.exe, Knuckles' portion, and she has no idea that the blood that appears when she goes halfway through the level was scripted.

"I am NOT a sausage! How DARE you!"
Simon Lane, the Yogscast He was playing Prop Hunt, where one team hides as map props and the other team must find and kill them. Lewis Brindley, a Hunter, stumbles across some sausages and asks Simon if he is one.

Yes, that's right. I'm a gay robot.
Church, Red vs. Blue Church is sarcastically agreeing with Caboose's statement, since Caboose refuses to believe that Church has died and is now a ghost possessing a robot and that the seemingly-male mercenary Tex is actually Church's ex-girlfriend.

Criminal sends off to SEGA: "You owe me Thailand!"
The opening to Yu-Gi-Oh! The OTHER Abridged Movie It's a mondegreen by the opening subtitles transliterating the song, 'Kawaita Sakebi' (A Yell of Thirst) by Field of View. (If you're wondering, the correct lyrics are 'I want to invite you to see this world with me.')

"Last time on Super Mario Sunshine, in a nutshell!
Chuggaaconroy! - Delfino Airstrip, ten coins. - "Your mother sings, very strange songs..." - Eight Red Coin mission. - Turbo Nozzle. - Religious imagery! - Shine Sprite. - Keep your coins. - The 100 coins. - Easiest 100-Coin Shine in the entire game. - You fail at life. - The Blue Coins. - Down that door! - Spray that icecube. - Thank you, God! - Pianta. - Fire. - After the flood, he moves up here. - Humanaha! - Butt. Mightier. Than. Cardboard. - Coin. - Blue Coin. - Now for this lady. - Pineapples! - Yellow. - Miyamoto's racist. - Shoplifting produce makes everything better. - That's what I'm talk about! - Guilty in possession of stolen fruit. - She wants bananas. - Bananas. - Bananas. - Drop them right in. - Yellow Toad, Blue Toad. Know which game that reminds me of? - Durians. - You can only kick them. - Jumping, and then running into them. - Not that hard. - (Angrish sound) - AH AH AH AH AH!
Chuggaaconroy, introducing Episode 34 of his Super Mario Sunshine LP. It's a montage of some of Chuggaa's hammier moments from the previous episode, in which he took care of lots of out-of-the-way collectables and sidequests.

The world's ending and all you care about is if I have a cow on my head!
Chuggaaconroy, in his LP of The Legend of Zelda: Majora's Mask Romani's Mask, which looks like a cow's face and is worn on top of Link's head, is required to enter the Milk Bar. The owner wouldn't let him in without it on even though the moon was going to crash into Termina and destroy everything in a few minutes.

Go, my attack kittens, go! Kill the minotaur!
ProtonJon from his LP of Castlevania: Aria of Sorrow The main character of the game, Soma Cruz, can absorb the souls of enemies he defeats and gain an ability from them; one such ability allows him to summon a charging cat. The cats quickly become Jon's favorite soul power, which he uses to fight a majority of enemies, the aforementioned minotaur among them.

Captain Falcon, why are you dating that horse?!
ProtonJon, The Runaway Guys While playing Friend Connection on Wii Party, the game takes two pairs of Miis chosen at random and states that they are the best and worst couple. Miis that Chuggaaconroy had created to resemble Captain Falcon and a horse were the "best couple".

"Why is the belt below his ass?"
Sips, Jaffa Factory #76, "Bin Chute" Simon Lane attempted to build a Santa on the top of the Jaffa Factory, but his building skills at the time were subpar. Consequentially, the belt was placed just below the Santa's butt cheeks, causing Sips, Sjin, Duncan Jones and Lewis Brindley to all burst into hysterical laughter, with Lewis crying.

"Your son is dead and you're never going to see him again! WOO REDDIT!"
r/atheism, Kawaii Piranha, Some r/atheism members are mocking a funeral.

"Getting red splotches on a piece of paper is now Story Mode."
Omgarrett here. He's playing The Binding of Isaac. He recently unlocked The Lost, the only character that still needs to unlock things, which is denoted by a picture appearing on a sticky note. If the criteria was fulfilled on Hard Mode, the picture has red around it. However, since The Lost is The Lost, he didn't want to play as him, instead opting to do a run as Eden. He described the run as a break or an Intermission from the Lost unlocks, which he described as Story Mode.

"One of us is strong, whereas the other one...is the Death Star."
Omgarrett here. He's playing Switchball with his friend Sectus. There's Color-Coded Multiplayer in this game. Gar is the white ball, while Sectus is the black ball. The area of the level they are in forces them to play as the light ball, which is more floaty than any other ball, and is usually pathetic at pushing crates. Sectus thinks his light ball looks like the Death Star. At that moment, however, Gar's light ball was pushing crates at distances that any other light ball can't do, for some reason. Hence, Gar is strong, and Sectus is the Death Star.

"Still hoping for that Cricket's Head every now and again, but... is just not appearin'. Instead, we get a whole bunch o' gunk. I don't want gunk. I want good stuff, I want heads. Give me heads! It's all I want, all I desire. Heads, everywhere! That's a pretty normal thing to ask for, isn't it? Just some heads. There's plenty of heads in the world, I only need one. Well, just one extra one. And granted, we already have, like, a baby following us around who has a head as well, but that head doesn't give us as much damage. It's not as good of a head. I need a better head, a stronger head, a more thoughtful head. One that can really get the tears flowing. One that can really make the tears big and strong, compared to the current one and Sister Maggy is... just givin' us a friend to talk to every now and again, an'... have a little chit-chat with, you know, just good times in general. Don't want good times, I want miserable times, I wanna cryyyyyyyyy. I wanna be a little crybaby. I wanna cryyy, like a crybaby. But noooo. Crying is not for me."
Omgarrett here. Omgarrett really wants to get Cricket's Head, which is a tears up. He isn't getting it.

And that's also one of the, like, uh, viewerbases I'm trying to reach with these videos. I'm trying to reach the people who are ghosts, that haunt mail delivery people... um, by moving their stuff around, by cycling their mail delivery... tablet-writey thingies for people's signature, across various different mail delivery people. That's the specific viewerbase I'm trying to reach.
Omgarrett here. Gar started rambling on the Caves floors in The Binding of Isaac: Rebirth, and he started talking about how the tablets that mail delivery people use are impossible to correct anything on, unless you're either the guy who made it a ghost who steals those tablets, practices, and then gives them to different mailmen and then steals their tablets, in an endless cycle.

Scorpion: Aren't you dead?
Jax: Well I was, then Sonya crushed Quan Chi's balls so I got better.
Scorpion: ...
Spoony's take on Mortal Kombat X. Sonya managed to sever Quan Chi's connection with some of his zombie slaves by beating him up really hard, Jax being one of them.

My wildlife is all fucked up, my cat has a gun, and there's a dinosaur, and I don't even know if this is technically Skyrim anymore.
The Scatsbury, Skyrim - Modded Misadventures The PC version of Skyrim supports mods. These are just 3 of them.

Western Animation
Stan Pines: Who left the blinds open? Wax John Wilkes Booth, I'm looking in your direction!
Gravity Falls, "Headhunters" The sunlight from the window melted wax Abraham Lincoln.

Gwen: CHRIS CHRIS CHRIS! The Zingies! Caught by the tree, tied up, my hands are in Cody's pants, this trouble is BIG!
Tyler: ...Way to go Cody.

Why do my nostrils whisper to me-e-e-e-e-e-e?
Candace, Phineas and Ferb She's been exposed to hallucinogens.

Can you think inside a chimney? I didn't think so.
Chancellor Puddinghead (Pinkie Pie), My Little Pony: Friendship Is Magic, "Hearth's Warming Eve" Smart Cookie (Applejack) had questioned why Puddinghead had entered down a chimney instead of through the door, and she stated that being a ruler, she can think outside the box and inside the chimney.

Ohio Flynn We gotta lead the Corn Colossus away from those backup dancers!
Isabella: OMG, coolest sentence ever! Somebody write that down.
—'Phineas and Ferb'', "Phineas and Ferb and the Temple of Juatchadoon"

It's time for me to stop runnin'. I need to believe what people tell me. Let all my fans know I love 'em, but a gay fish just can't live in the outside world forever. Don't be sad for me guys! I'm goin' home!
Kanye West, South Park Kanye West was overreacting to a joke about how "fishstick" and "fish dick" sounded similar, eventually believing he is attracted to fish dicks.

You see? We are apple pie!
Rarity, My Little Pony: Friendship Is Magic Earlier, Applejack used a metaphor for getting along with sisters that compared it to apple pie (you can have great apples and crust, but only together can you have a pie)

My dad's in a rabbit-worshiping cult called the Hare Club for Men, they protect the secret of Easter but before they said what it was they were attacked by ninjas and put me in charge of Snowball.
Stan Marsh, South Park, Fantastic Easter Special

"If I had a penny for every time someone went crazy hopped-up on magical energy, I'd be Abraham Lincoln"
Jake The Dog, Adventure Time, "Crystals Have Power" Tree Trunks has undergone Sanity Slippage after swallowing a crystal apple which gave her immense power, and has just been cured.

"Ohh. Are you here for some..." (Batman punches her in the face.)
Random Old Lady, The Batman The old woman is actually a plant clone made by the villainess Poison Ivy.

Gumball: OK, so... Dad has a laser shooting out of his butt, then Mr. Small's head falls off
Anais: What?
Gumbal: And there was a pineapple in the locker, so I started dancing in the cosmos, AND THEN DARWIN KISSED HER!
Anais: So, the pineapple is Penny...
The Amazing World of Gumball, "The Dream" Anais is analyzing Gumball's dreams

You can't beat my pants! Thanks to Yin they're in a very naughty mood.
—Yuck, Yin Yang Yo

Johnny, do I have financial arrangements with any large T's?
Nick Diamond, Celebrity Deathmatch, "The Mysterious T" Nick was trying to understand a vague vision from a fortune-teller involving a large T, financial arrangements, and head injury.

Now if you'll excuse me, I have some idea balls to remove from a manatee tank.
Eric Cartman, South Park, "Cartoon Wars (2)" Cartman was trying to get Family Guy cancelled. In the process, he found out that Family Guy is literally written by manatees who push balls with activities, people, objects, and pop culture references on them and whatever random combination they come up with, they make a joke out of. The manatees will immediately stop moving if they sense that a ball has been removed from their tank.

Elvis is alive and living in Des Moines. Hello chocolate pudding.
Johnny Gomez, Celebrity Deathmatch, "The Return of Lucy Lawless" Johnny was listing the similarities between TLC and the Dixie Chicks, and one of them was that the names of the band members of either one could be rearranged to spell out the above phrase.

Gnomes! Capture the squirrel!
Invader Zim Zim was ordering his security drones camouflaged as lawn gnomes to attack Dib, who was using a squirrel disguise.

Whoops, sorry son. I didn't know you, Jay Leno and a monkey were bathing a clown.
Homer Simpson, The Simpsons

The talking box is really a six foot tall colon. With a face!
Chiro, Super Robot Monkey Team Hyperforce Go! There was a colonlike alien masquerading as the mascot to a fast food restaurant of his design. Said mascot was, naturally, a talking takeout box.

So you see? The only way to save the Earth is by eating broccoli!
Blossom, The Powerpuff Girls Blossom is telling the kids of Townville that a broccoli-like alien race is invading Earth and has put the adults of Townsville into a vegatative state and that the only way to defeat the aliens is by eating them.

My first girlfriend turned into the moon.
Sokka, Avatar: The Last Airbender Said girlfriend sacrificed herself to save the moon spirit, which involved giving her lifeforce to it.

The sky had a baby from my cereal box!
Spongebob Squarepants, Shanghaied. Spongebob was having cereal when an anchor from the Flying Dutchman hit his home. He assumed the anchor was the 'baby' in the quote.

You always say you'll be the crocodile, but you never commit!
Pearl, Steven Universe, Full Disclosure. She and the other Crystal Gems are discussing the safety of Steven and Beach City's inhabitants; Amethyst suggests they build a moat around the temple and offers to shapeshift into a crocodile before Pearl shoots down the idea.

Uncategorized
Farewell Cavia. May a flight of space babies sing you to thine resting place.
Youtube commenter on "Shadowlord"

"Is anyone on fire? Yes, exceptionally so!"
braincraft, a thread on RPG.net The thread's about a Flash-based GM emulator based on MYTHIC. braincraft is quoting an exchange with the program, which has poorly-done AI.

Just found out I somehow I became immortalized by becoming a troll... Hussie... to say I’m honored is an understatement.
Dante Basco, this Tumblr post Hussie had designed a recently introduced troll character in Homestuck in Dante's image.

"I'M MY COUCH!"
boogie2988 on the Xbox Kinect. The Kinect mistook him for a couch. This is his response when the device told him to move his couch.

They can play jenga in my dick-hole if they must, but when the alarm clock goes off they've gotta respect the arrangement and get back behind the dresser.
Batroc_Z_Leaper, this reddit discussion In a discussion about spiders, someone brought up that spiders might sometimes accidentally crawl into people's mouths while they're sleeping. The poster was saying that they didn't care what spiders did while he was asleep so long as he doesn't see them doing it.

Woman's body found in Lawrence Welk
Fark.com headline Lawrence Welk is the name of a local community.

And there was a giant uvula hanging from the ceiling. Which is weird, because crabs don't have uvulas.
—From a post found on the Phineas and Ferb Wiki IRC The poster was talking about a dream they had.

Right now I'm kinda dealing with a war between regulation-happy Californians, insular technophile xenophobes, and slave-owning, skirtwearing homosexuals.
Jay Naylor He's discussing three of the major factions in Fallout: New Vegas: the NCR, the Brotherhood of Steel, and Caesar's Legion respectively.

"Love does not deter black people on a fixed trajectory"

The mine had been ventilated for several days before it was judged safe to re-enter, but the canary was a standard safety precaution.
— Display in Threlkeld Quarry and Mining Museum in Cumbria, England. If there was any toxic fumes still lingering in the mine, the canary would die from them before a human. Miners would often keep canaries down the mines because if one of them died suddenly then that was a sign to get out of there fast.

"Gay Hitler always looked up to his father, George Washington.”
Real life. kind of. His name literally was Gay Hitler, and his father's was George Washington Hitler.