Three... Cows... Shot... Me... Down. HELP ME...
—The Vision, The Avengers Kree-Skrull War cover Reed Richards' punishment for the original 3 Skrull invaders was to force them to turn into cows and then erase their memories. They were eventually re-activated at the start of the Kree Skrull War and attacked the Vision as he was flying overhead.
The moose has my scent again! O!Fanfiction
So, Calvin's the Earth Potentate, Hobbes and Socrates are robots and you're a Pharaoh. All together an off day.
I just realised that because of my project I now have an appendix from just about everyone in the group on my landing. They're all there, just waiting for me to use them up. I only just realised how weird that is.Film
— Man-In-Crowd-4, referring his some of his work in the Pokeumans group His project is a parody of Skippy's List for the group, for which anyone can suggest ideas as well as his own. If they do, he stores them on his computer (on the landing) in a document until he updates the project and adds them in, where audience submissions have the tag '(Insert name)'s appendix'.
I beat the shit out of some kids today, but it was for a purpose. It made me feel good about myself. It's like I did something constructive with my life, like I accomplished something.
—Willie Stokes, Bad Santa
"Hello. My name is Elliot Moore. I'm just going to talk in a very positive manner, giving off good vibes. We're just here to use the bathroom, and we're just going to leave. I hope that's okay... Plastic. I'm talking to a plastic plant. I'm still doing it."
—Elliot Moore, The Happening Plants are forcing people to kill themselves. Elliot initially assumes that the plastic plant is real and tries to talk it out of doing so to him.
"I'm gonna lay eggs in that man's ears."
Master has presented Dobby with clothes! Dobby is free!
—Dobby, Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets In House Elf culture, which is what Dobby is, if a master is to present an enslaved House Elf with clothes, it means they are (according to how they interpret it) either free or fired. Dobby took the former meaning.
By the authority granted to me by his imperial majesty Kaiser Wilhelm the Second, I now pronounce you man and wife. Proceed with the execution.
—Captain of the Louisa, The African Queen Getting married was the protagonists' last request.
You're not going to believe this, but it's a one-wheeled haystack.
— Napoleon, The Aristocats Napoleon is looking at an unattached sidecar of a motorcycle with a hay bale on top of it, due to driving into it.
Then I spray them with the taco!Literature
Just then, Neville caused a slight diversion by turning into a large canary.
—Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire Neville ate a custard cream with a hex put on it; anyone who eats them turns into a canary.
Mr Wonka looked first at Grandma Josephine. She was sitting in the middle of the huge bed, bawling her head off. "Wa! Wa! Wa!", she said. "Wa! Wa! Wa! Wa! Wa!"
—Charlie and the Great Glass Elevator Grandma had just been age-regressed to a baby by one of Wonka's treats.
It's amazing that no one has yet blamed me for not being more proactive in the battle against the cow.
—Quentin "Q" Jacobsen, Paper Towns
"You're saying that we should send Carrot away to be a duck among humans because Bjon Stronginthearm is my uncle?"
— Dwarf King, Guards! Guards!!
Are you Jesus, Fred Durst?
—David Wong, John Dies at the End
And then, once I was charged into my clothes, I was a lot calmer than me, so-
—Generator, Whateley Universe, "Ayla and the Great Shoulder Angel Conspiracy"
Colorless green ideas sleep furiously.
—Syntactic Structures The book was giving an example of a sentence that was grammatically correct but didn't actually mean anything.
Four men were huddled in the furthest corner from the bomb-bunged door. They comprised possibly the most unlikely quartet in literary history, being: a risen-from-the-ranks bunker-boy, whose promotion prospects had never looked bleaker; a visitor from another star, who really wished he wasn't; the Dalai Lama, now unemployed; and a time-travelling Elvis Presley with a sprout in his head.
And they say nothing is new. Bah humbug!
Arthur: And you're telling me the Earth was destroyed five minutes too early?
Slartibartfarst: Shocking cock up. The mice were furious.Live-Action TV
—The Hitch Hikers Guide To The Galaxy Mice turn out to be physical manifestations of extra-dimensional beings, who created Earth to serve as an enormous supercomputer calculating the ultimate question to life, the universe, and everything. However, Earth was destroyed five minutes before it had finished calculating the results.
Yes! I am the king of gay chicken!
We need to save Buffy from Hansel and Gretel.
—Giles, Buffy the Vampire Slayer
You know, Darren, if you'd told me twenty-five years ago that some day I'd be standing here about to solve the world's energy problems, I would've said you were crazy. Now let's push this giant ball of oil out the window.
—Kramer, Seinfeld He was testing the idea of filling a giant rubber ball with oil and pushing it out the window to see if it can restrain the impact for the benefit of oil tankers.
We've known each other for almost two years now. And yeah, in that time I've given a lot of speeches, but they all have one thing in common: they're all different. These drug runners aren't going to execute Pierce because he's racist. It's a locomotive that runs on us, and the only sharks in that water are the emotional ghosts that I like to call fear, anchovies, fear, and the dangers of ingesting mercury. Because the real bugs aren't the ones in those beds. And there's no such thing as a free Caesar salad and even if there were, The Cape might still find a second life on cable, and I'll tell you why: el corazon del agua es verdad. That water is a lie! Harrison Ford is irradiating our testicles with microwave satellite transmissions. So maybe we ARE caught in an endless cycle of screw ups and hurt feelings, but I choose to believe that this is just the universe's way of molding us into some kind of super group [...] like the Traveling Wilburys of pain.
—Jeff Winger, Community It's actually a composite of several separate speeches, all of which took place offscreen at different points in the series.
I'm gonna eat spaceman paninis with Black Hitler, and there's nothing you can do about it!
—Troy Barnes, Community Troy has to choose between his friends and his trade school. Part of its entrance exam was held in a room with a black man dressed as Adolf Hitler and a spacesuit-clad man pressing paninis.
Now drop your weapon, or I'll kill him with this deadly jelly-baby!
—The Doctor, Doctor Who, The Face of Evil
It appears we have lost our sex appeal, captain.
—Tuvok, Star Trek: Voyager
Mickey: What's a horse doing on a spaceship?
The Doctor: Mickey, what's pre-revolutionary France doing on a spaceship? Get a little perspective.
—Doctor Who, "The Girl in the Fireplace" The Doctor and co had discovered several portals on a spaceship including one in the shape of an antique fireplace, all of which leaded back to pre-revolutionary France
Did Guy the Guy Guy get you a Baby Guy?
—Ted, How I Met Your Mother
"So come on sandwich, build me a lemon because froggy wants to come home."
Sally: She cares about you so much she is upstairs about to have sex with another man.
Dick: [thrilled] She would do that for me?!
Peter, is your social worker in that horse?
— Will Graham, Hannibal: Su-Zakana Peter was framed for murder by his social worker, who killed his favorite horse when he tried to tell the police. He attacked the social worker and sewed him into the dead horse so he could feel what it was like to be buried and/or to metamorphose him into a better person.
You think this is my first snake and security guard on bunny man and giant chicken fight?
"Why would the shapeshifting pilgrim boy leave us at a time when the Detroit pineapple crop was being threatened by a giant potato bug?"
—Jimmy the Robot, The Aquabats! Super Show!
I know those pots aren't flowers...they're my mother's vagina!
—Jack Donaghy, 30 Rock
Scorpions, what is wrong with you? Stop hiding in bananas in Pittsburg area Walmarts, get your shit together, and fight terrorism like snakes and bees!
—John Oliver, Last Week Tonight with John Oliver
The pen and the eraser are taking the pencil home.Newspaper/Newspaper Comics
—Bill Cosby, The Cosby Show Vanessa's boyfriend had just said that he and she go together like a pencil and an eraser, and Bill had wondered if that made him and his wife the pen and ink.
"And in other news, a jumbo jet narrowly avoided colliding with a math book today..."
—News Reporter, Foxtrot Jason's back-to-school homework was so light, it literally caused his backpack to float into the air and he had to unzip it to fall.
Norway goat cheese fire closes tunnelStand-Up Comedy
—BBC News About 27 tonnes of caramelised brown goat cheese caught light as it was being driven through the Brattli Tunnel at Tysfjord, northern Norway
As soon as I put this hot poker in my ass, I'm going to chop my dick off!Video Games
"Mmm... Your love is delicious... Hee hee!"
"I WANT TO BE MANHANDLED!"
"But I... I live on! Through this arm!"
—Liquid Ocelot, Metal Gear Solid 2: Sons of Liberty. Ocelot is being possessed by the dead villain of the previous game, Liquid Snake, through the latter's hand being grafted onto Ocelot's right arm.
I hear it's amazing when the famous purple stuffed worm in flapjaw space with the tuning fork does a raw blink on hari-kari rock. I need scissors. 61!
— Colonel Campbell, Metal Gear Solid 2: Sons of Liberty The Colonel turns out to be a malfunctioning artificial intelligence.
So. How are you holding up? BECAUSE I'M A POTATO.
I have done nothing but teleport bread for three days.Visual Novels
—Soldier, Team Fortress 2 The Engineer was putting bread in the teleporters he invented to show that they gave deadly tumors. During this he told the Soldier, who's a huge ditz, that he could teleport as much bread as he wanted, thinking tumors in bread were harmless. Later the Engineer discovered that only bread gets tumors from teleportation, which would cause it to mutate into vicious bread critters. Unfortunately the Soldier had been teleporting his loaf of bread for three days, thus it had mutated into an enormous bread monster.
Baseballs have stitches! Are you saying that all baseballs are suspicious!?
People die if they are killed.Web Comics
—Emiya Shirou, Fate/stay night It's a play on the Japanese idiom "won't die, even if you kill him," which means "tough."
Kicking a kitten... A grown man punting a kitten who was looking the other way... It was the bravest thing I've ever seen.
—Torg, Sluggy Freelance at the end of the KITTEN story arc The kittens in question are the offspring of Satan... and no, that doesn't make sense either, but imagine if the Killer Rabbit from Monty Python was a cat and was obsessed with mittens, milk, and hunting people, and you'd get these kittens. So kicking them? Actually pretty brave.
Are you going to eat the rest of your clothes?
—Aylee, Sluggy Freelance Aylee is an alien, who transforms occasionally to better adapt to the environment. In the one she had adapted to then, she was an extreme omnivore who ate whatever she could get her limbs on... including clothes.
Alright, we need to know where this store house is, because there is a guy there who is eating the burgers to produce fuel for his organic jetpack.
—Dr. McNinja, The Adventures of Dr. McNinja
Okay, bacon. BACON, DAMMIT!!!
Jesus is Magic? No, WHALES are Magic. They saved the Titanic with a giant pink octopus and horny mice!
Jamie: How are we going to get out of here?
Adam: Mars, or 1947?
I am going to sneak up on my sister and eat her dog brain.
—Lobster Man, Axe Cop
Scott: And my escape will be a piece of cake, 'cause nobody's gonna get in the way of a giant mass of angry dogs walking down the street.
Rick: Especially if it's carrying a urinal.
I just can't wait for the Better Homes and Gardens list of helpful tips for household reuse of sixteen-inch acrylonitrite-butadiene-styrene phalluses.
"After all, there's nothing better than a giant Zack Ryder and Nick Carraway from The Great Gatsby reincarnated as a sheep."
—NES Boy, this Square Root of Minus Garfield strip The strip was combining three earlier comics into one, all editing a strip where Jon leaps over Garfield exclaiming "Woo woo woo!". One replaced Garfield with a sheep and made Jon a giant, another replaced Garfield's dialogue with lines from Nick, and the last replaced Jon with Zack.
I realized that while this situation makes sense if you've been following along, for someone just coming in, it's complete nonsense.
George and Chadling have apparently merged, Mynd is there and missing his arms and legs, Proto Man is stuck in a block of cheese, Nate is spread all over everything in a fine mist, and they're all standing on a pile of ninjas.
You can see why Dr. Light is a little confused.
"I was just temporarily lesbian because I was possessed by a zombie!"
— Dr. Lee, Skin Horse, Railway Children arc
"I GAVE YOUR WHOLE UNIVERSE CANCER"
—Karkat Vantas, Homestuck He was supposed to breed a frog with a specific genetic code, which would aid in the creation of a new universe. He made a mistake in doing so, resulting in a frog with a massive tumor and a flawed universe.
Commander Badass: Look, I'm sorry we uh, accidentally disintegrated Gackt with fish lasers before y'got a chance t'talk t'him, I'm man enough t'admit when I act irrationally an' fuck up.
Jung Ji-Hoon: It's okay, give it a month and he'll Advent Children or Dissidia himself back into the spotlight.
—Manly Guys Doing Manly Things Gackt, here a walking JRPG parody, has been vaporized by a Hyper Beam fired by a pet Gyarados. Jung Ji-Hoon wanted to ask him to stop making fighting robots in his image.
Everybody out of the god damn way. You got a hat full of bomb, a fist full of penis, and a head full of empty.
If I smash the little hover-projector does the koala-god feel pain?
—Elf, Schlock Mercenary she's referring to a flying machine that contains a hologram emitter, which is being used by Petey, a nearly god-like artificial intelligence whose avatar is that of the species that created him, the Ob'enn, which do resemble koalas.
Kanzaki: I don't want to see her be raped by machines.
Touma: Okay, that's it. How the hell can you say that when you've never even tried it?
Check his flower pot. Check his flower pot for gay porn. We desperately need those new dresses.
Nicole: Damn it, Sam, I don't want you to die on a flying building full of ninjas!
Sam: I don't want you to die on a flying building full of ninjas, either!
(They make out)
Joshua...I need to tell you something...but I'm having trouble turning you into a sloth, so it needs to be in the dark.Web Original
—Clarice, Girls with Slingshots
We aren't cooking centaurs though, we're talking about biology.
— Insufficient Dakka, Spacebattles Forums
If you don't pee, I'm gonna die, Julian! Your pee could save my life.
—Toby, Julian Smith Dot TV, Urine This Together Julian's using the bathroom with the door open. Toby can't walk past the bathroom door under those circumstances until Julian's done, but Julian can't pee with Toby lingering outside, leaving them both at a deadlock. Also, Toby is being held at gunpoint by an intruder.
Satan walked by, carrying a basket of carrots.
"I am a. Servant of humanity. Wielder. Of the rubber ball. You shall not pass!"
in case it wasn’t clear
the prince in the bull was the baby from the box who got killed
and then turned into a fruit tree
and then got eaten by a cow and then born as a bull
I don’t know why that wouldn’t be clear though)
—Myths Retold, "The Speckled Bull is Like The Speckled Band Except Not At All"
"'Allow me to compliment you on my Pyramid of Khufu, m'lady.'...That's my impression of Mickey Mouse visiting Egypt."
"WHO'S BEEN IN YOU, YOU FILTHY WHORE!?"
—Rage Rider to EZ Rider Rage Rider is an Imagin, a monster who possesses people, and sticks to EZ Rider. His shock and rage comes when he notices the smell of another Imagin who had just recently possessed him.
"DEATH! DEATH! DEEEEEEAAAAAAAATH!!!!!!" (lean forward for kiss)
— Cracked.com, 7 Innocent Gestures That Can Get You Killed Overseas One of the gestures is half a dozen roses, symbolic of affection in the US and death in Russia.
"[Y]ou can't have it both ways: You don't hire a Nazi clown to teach your kids about the Holocaust..."
—Cracked.com, The 5 Most Excessively Creepy Children's Educational Videos The article is using an analogy to explain what's wrong with something from one of said videos.
I nearly collapsed in a vagina!
I've been waiting my entire life to type [this]: One of the Rock and Roll Space Bandits switched to keytar mode and rocked the mind of a construction worker into hitting the giant lobster with a crane.
A short while ago I wrote a column on words we always mix up with other words, where I drew shoddy pictures of things like Superboy being shot out of a Superman-shaped cannon. This completely made sense in the context of the article.
—Cracked.com, 8 Words the Internet Loves to Confuse With Other Words One of the aforementioned mixups was "canon" and "cannon".
The dog peed on my leg again, that little Bulgarian homosexual.
The book mentions Toto from The Wizard of Oz as Dorothy's Lover.Web Video
Must. Lick. Rod!
—Yami Bakura, Yu-Gi-Oh! The Abridged Series, "Fun In Yugi's Mind"
Boner. Boner boner. Boner boning a boner. Boner boner. Erect penis.
Yeah! I'm shooting ducks with a piano!
Nostalgia Critic: She's funny and attractive! There's this really great scene where she ties Vince Vaughn to a bed and puts a sweaty sock in his mouth...
"Perhaps I, Dio, should take off his pants..."
Whoa, I thought she was topless for a minute...And then I realized she had no mouth, and she was a potato.
This has never happened before. I'm finally in a three-way.
GET OUT OF MY PLANT'S MIND. >:(
—Roxy, Let's Play Pokémon Crystal Chapter 33 An opponent's Pokémon used Mind Reader on her Grass-type.
That was nothing like the back of the box. Where's my space lobster?
What manner of uncivilized ribcage is this, anyways?Western Animation
Stan Pines: Who left the blinds open? Wax John Wilkes Booth, I'm looking in your direction!
Gwen: CHRIS CHRIS CHRIS! The Zingies! Caught by the tree, tied up, my hands are in Cody's pants, this trouble is BIG!
Tyler: ...Way to go Cody.
Why do my nostrils whisper to me-e-e-e-e-e-e?
—Candace, Phineas and Ferb She's been exposed to hallucinogens.
Can you think inside a chimney? I didn't think so.
It's time for me to stop runnin'. I need to believe what people tell me. Let all my fans know I love 'em, but a gay fish just can't live in the outside world forever. Don't be sad for me guys! I'm goin' home!
You see? We are apple pie!
—Rarity, My Little Pony: Friendship Is Magic Earlier, Applejack used a metaphor for getting along with sisters that compared it to apple pie (you can have great apples and crust, but only together can you have a pie)
My dad's in a rabbit-worshiping cult called the Hare Club for Men, they protect the secret of Easter but before they said what it was they were attacked by ninjas and put me in charge of Snowball.
— Stan Marsh, South Park, Fantastic Easter Special
"If I had a penny for every time someone went crazy with magic crystal power, I'd be Abraham Lincoln"
"Ohh. Are you here for some..." (Batman punches her in the face.)
—Random Old Lady, The Batman The old woman is actually a plant clone made by the villainess Poison Ivy.
Gumball: OK, so... Dad has a laser shooting out of his butt, then Mr. Small's head falls off
Gumbal: And there was a pineapple in the locker, so I started dancing in the cosmos, AND THEN DARWIN KISSED HER!
Anais: So, the pineapple is Penny...
—The Amazing World of Gumball, "The Dream" Anais is analyzing Gumball's dreams
You can't beat my pants! Thanks to Yin they're in a very naughty mood.
—Yuck, Yin Yang Yo
Johnny, do I have financial arrangements with any large T's?
—Nick Diamond, Celebrity Deathmatch, "The Mysterious T" Nick was trying to understand a vague vision from a fortune-teller involving a large T, financial arrangements, and head injury.
Now if you'll excuse me, I have some idea balls to remove from a manatee tank.
—Eric Cartman, South Park, "Cartoon Wars (2)"
Elvis is alive and living in Des Moines. Hello chocolate pudding.
—Johnny Gomez, Celebrity Deathmatch, "The Return of Lucy Lawless" Johnny was listing the similarities between TLC and the Dixie Chicks, and one of them was that the names of the band members of either one could be rearranged to spell out the above phrase.
Gnomes! Capture the squirrel!
—Invader Zim Zim was ordering his security drones camouflaged as lawn gnomes to attack Dib, who was using a squirrel disguise.
Whoops, sorry son. I didn't know you, Jay Leno and a monkey were bathing a clown.
—Homer Simpson, The Simpsons
The talking box is really a six foot tall colon. With a face!Real Life
—Chiro, Super Robot Monkey Team Hyperforce Go! (There was a colonlike alien masquerading as the mascot to a fast food restaurant of his design. Said mascot was, naturally, a talking takeout box.
Farewell Cavia. May a flight of space babies sing you to thine resting place.
— Youtube commenter on "Shadowlord"
"Is anyone on fire? Yes, exceptionally so!"
—braincraft, a thread on RPG.net The thread's about a Flash-based GM emulator based on MYTHIC. braincraft is quoting an exchange with the program, which has poorly-done AI.
Just found out I somehow I became immortalized by becoming a troll... Hussie... to say I’m honored is an understatement.
—Dante Basco, this Tumblr post Hussie had designed a recently introduced troll character in Homestuck in Dante's image.
"I'M MY COUCH!"
— boogie2988 on the Xbox Kinect. The Kinect mistook him for a couch. This is his response when the device told him to move his couch.
They can play jenga in my dick-hole if they must, but when the alarm clock goes off they've gotta respect the arrangement and get back behind the dresser.
—Batroc_Z_Leaper, this reddit discussion In a discussion about spiders, someone brought up that spiders might sometimes accidentally crawl into people's mouths while they're sleeping. The poster was saying that they didn't care what spiders did while he was asleep so long as he doesn't see them doing it.
Woman's body found in Lawrence Welk
—Fark.com headline Lawrence Welk is the name of a local community.
And there was a giant uvula hanging from the ceiling. Which is weird, because crabs don't have uvulas.
—From a post found on the Phineas and Ferb Wiki IRC The poster was talking about a dream they had.
Right now I'm kinda dealing with a war between regulation-happy Californians, insular technophile xenophobes, and slave-owning, skirtwearing homosexuals.
"Gay Hitler always looked up to his father, George Washington.”Other
—Real life. kind of. His name literally was Gay Hitler, and his father's was George Washington Hitler.
Yes, that's right. I'm a gay robot.
—Church, Red vs. Blue Church is sarcastically agreeing with Caboose's statement, since Caboose refuses to believe that Church has died and is now a ghost possessing a robot and that the seemingly-male mercenary Tex is actually Church's ex-girlfriend.