Quotes: I Am Not Spock

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    Film — Live-action 

You see?! It's never "Hey, you were in Loser" or, "Hey you rocked in Boys and Girls!" No, it always comes back to THAT FUCKING PIE!! I'm HAUNTED by it!

Sir Alexander Dane: (gazing at dressing room mirror) How did I come to this?
Tommy: (Here it comes...)
Alexander: I played Richard III.
Fred: (Five curtain calls.)
Alexander: There were five curtain calls. I was an actor once, damn it. Now look at me! LOOK AT ME! I won't go out there and say that stupid line one more time!!

    Live-action TV 

Agent: The network suddenly feels that you’re too mature for the role. I know it may not seem that way now, but once we get a little distance between you and "Raven"...
Rebecca: Oliver, the series is in syndication. She’ll always be there. Looking younger and better and sweeter than me — forever.
Angel, "Eternity"

Do you know how long I have worked to get away from Lieutenant Chloe? To get away from the stench of this show?! The fan experience was bad enough — but she was gonna sell the rights, and it was gonna start all over again: the movies, the product lines! Lieutenant Chloe bobbleheads!!
Stephanie Frye, Castle ("The Final Frontier")

    Stand-up Comedy 

This man had to be Captain Kangaroo for over thirty fucking years! No scandal, no controversy, drank a lot. You would too. I don't think he knew the show was going to go thirty fucking years. 'Goddamn it, I'm fucking Captain Kangaroo. Thought the fucking gig would last two or three years, I didn't think I'd spend my whole fucking life as Captain Kangaroo! I was an actor, I was in the Actor's Studio, I wanted to do Death of a Salesman, I wanted to play Willy. My God, I'm Captain KANGAROO!'

    Web Original 

Remember, this is for comedy. Sure my gripes with the games stem from truth, but they are exaggerated. The whole point is to play bad. If you want to see somebody play good, go watch a speed run. If you take my reviews seriously, you are missing the whole point. Think for yourself. I may actually like some of the games I’m complaining about...It’s funny how people usually see videos on YouTube and take them at face value. The same people probably believe that I go around in real life wearing a white pressed shirt stuffed with pens in the pocket, and saying 'fuck' all the time and talking about buffaloes taking diarrhea dumps.

18-month-old Jaxson Denno of Massachusetts was all excited when his mom Heather told him she was taking him to meet his hero Iron Man. But when they got to the set of Robert Downey, Jr..’s movie The Judge near Jaxson’s house, the boy’s world came crashing down around him as he realized that his mom lied to him and the world lied to him. It wasn’t Iron Man in front of him. It was ONLY Robert Downey Jr.! Jaxson shouted, 'You’re not Iron Man! You’re not my father! You’re an impostor! Liar! Police! Edward Snowden! Police!' ...RDJ should really learn from this. He should always have an Iron Man suit in the back of his rental car. If he doesn’t have an Iron Man suit in the back of his rental car, he should drive down to Party City or wherever to buy an Iron Man costume. He has a responsibility to little children everywhere.
Michael K., "Robert Downey Jr. Ruins A Kid’s Life By Not Wearing His Iron Man Suit"

Chris: “Selina Kyle” in this movie is actually Elvira Hancock, Michelle Pfeiffer’s character from Scarface, having entered the Witness Protection Program. She’s so nervous because she’s actively trying to repress her gangster instincts, and when Christopher Walken tries to kill her, she snaps and becomes the female Tony Montana.
David: Now I want to see a video of Michael Bolton playing Catwoman. Damn you, Lonely Island.
—Chris Sims and David Uzumeri on Batman Returns

Steven Seagal has made three movies a month for 30 years, and during that time, he's torn off more arms than a McDonald's packing plant. So I can't really take him seriously when he's singing about my beautiful smile and how I smell when we dance close. It feels like a karate trap... like under this phony romantic surface there's a bomb waiting to go off on my groin and joints. At the risk of giving Nazi scientists any ideas, Steven Seagal is a calm human face glued to a gorilla that's swallowed a condom full of bees.
Seanbaby on Songs From the Crystal Cave

Christopher Lambert plays Raiden, the Chinese god of thunder, in this film, and Sarah and I quickly realized that Mortal Kombat works better as a Highlander sequel than any other actual sequel. Basically, Raiden from Mortal Kombat is actually Connor MacLeod, somewhat aged and with immense magical power after claiming the Prize. Using his magic power, most of which is derived from the lightning-like quickening, he realized that he can pose as Raiden and do some good in the world (you didn’t really think that the actual Chinese god of thunder would appear as some old European guy, did you?). Thus he turns his attention to supernatural matters and protecting the world from Shang Tsung... For an added bonus, you can connect The Shawshank Redemption to Highlander and Mortal Kombat by saying that Byron Hadley was a human alias used by the Kurgan before the Gathering. These are the things I think of in my spare time.

They can put him in blockbuster after blockbuster (R.I.P.D. was this year's catastrophe) and I'll still feel as if I'm watching some kind of VOD sequel to Van Wilder. Poor Ryan. It's never going to happen for him, is it? He'll just have to comfort himself with his flawless looks, his millions of dollars, and the supple flesh of Blake Lively.
Drew Magary on Ryan Reynolds, "The 25 Least Influencial People of 2013"

I always find it fascinating when actors turn up in shows other than the ones that they are more famous for appearing in just to see what else they are capable of. I never envisaged a time when Samantha Carter from Stargate SG-1 would wind up doing the wild thing with Skinner and have her neck snapped in the morning.
Joe Ford on The X-Files, "Talitha Cumi"

Honestly, Michael Hogan isn’t anywhere near drunk enough on this show. I was really hoping for Drunkstroke.
ComicsAlliance on Smallville ("Icarus")

Then, the next inadvertently funny scene takes place. When last we saw Pa, he found out that Lois had taken dirty money from Lionel. What does the next scene start with? PA SHARPENING AN AXE. Hilarious.
'I'll show that girl the House of the Dead, you watch!'
Ma: 'No, Bo, don't do it!'
Neal Bailey on Smallville ("Lockdown")

(Kelsey) Grammer holds the distinction of being the only actor ever to win three Golden Globes for the same role. Sounds great, until you realize he has three statues at home reminding him every day that, as they lower him into the ground, there's a good chance the priest will accidentally refer to him as 'the departed Dr. Crane.'
Cracked

What can I say? That '70s Show has officially made every single other role Kurtwood Smith has played ten times as funny if you just imagine him ending every other sentence with 'dumbass'.

Most of you will know Penny Johnson Jerald as Sherry Palmer from 24... Unfortunately, her presence means the whole time I'm watching this movie, I'm imagining Condoleezza Rice is secretly plotting against the President, and we only have a few hours to stop her, and she's somehow involved in the 9/11 attacks.
The Agony Booth on DC 9/11: Time of Crisis (2003)

...a wrestler will almost always be the same “character” even if his gimmick changes drastically. Even if he jumps to another wrestling promotion, he will usually carry with him the baggage of previous gimmicks, which an entirely different set of writers must try to explain away. For example, every time Dustin Runnels changed gimmicks, he had to explain that for whatever reason, all of his previous gimmicks (like Dustin Rhodes, Goldust, The Artist Formerly Known as Goldust, or Seven) weren’t “the real him” and were the result of a rocky relationship with his father, bad decisions by rival promotions’ creative teams, or, in the case of TNA’s Black reign character, a split personality.
For as much as people talk about how wrestling fans practice “suspension of disbelief,” in some ways they are actually much more demanding of realism than consumers of other media. Movie-goers are fine with pretending for 90 minutes that a well-known actor is a completely different person. That’s why no Hollywood writer ever had to cook up a long-winded backstory rationalizing how Harrison Ford could pilot a spaceship in a galaxy far far away, then discover the Ark of the Covenant, only to be framed for the murder of his wife and finally be elected President and kick hijackers out of his plane.

Now, I’m actually not going to jump on the bash (Clint) Eastwood bandwagon here. Eastwood does have an ok voice when used correctly. He can sing soft ballads and has actually a gentle and pleasant voice. The problem comes when they have him belt out big Broadway show stoppers. He can’t project loudly and ends up sounding like Dirty Harry singing about his love of gold. It sucks at that point.
Miles Antwiler on Paint Your Wagon

    Web video 

Det. Magnotta: You're walkin' on thin ice, Quinlan. If it cracks, ain't nobody gonna hear you scream when you go under.
Spoony: Wait wait wait— are you trying to warn me that "THE ICE! ...IS GONNA BREAK!"?

Wherever I go, people say to me,
'Hey, are you that guy?
Doctor Who's companion
Rory Williams?' And I sigh
I want to tell them that there's more to me than this
I'm not just a bloke riding a TARDIS
I am an actor in a fable
I didn't get captured by a Weeping Angel
You need to know my own story
I'm not Rory
Arthur Darvill sings to the tune of "Let it Go"

    Real Life 

I am a big man, and I have a laugh to match my size. The ridiculous thing is that since I played Goldfinger in the James Bond film there are some people who still insist on seeing me as a cold, ruthless villain — a man without laughs.
Gert Fröbe

Mel Gibson will always be Mad Max, and me, I will always be a Number.
Patrick McGoohan

Princess Leia was famous, and I looked like her.

I was never really happy until I became Doctor Who. At the same time, although it’s the loveliest job I ever had, it essentially killed my career stone dead... So when I went to play Macbeth the audience wanted me to play Macbeth in the style of Doctor Who and naturally I did. Afterwards a critic said ‘I had no idea how nice Macbeth was’. So I realised then that the people coming to see me — people like you — didn’t want to see me playing Jack the Ripper or whatever it was. So when I went to Ireland to play Sherlock Holmes and Moriarty in the same play, they were absolutely baffled because they were absolutely interchangeable.

And to this day, whenever people say to me, 'Aren't you Alexis, that Bitch from Dynasty?', I smile and respond, 'No, I'm Edith Keeler, depression-era social worker from Star Trek.'
Joan Collins, Star Trek 30th Anniversary tribute

Pretty much 7 and unders, I tend to get nothing but boos. No matter how kind I am to them, they’re not interested in being kind back...What people have to bear in mind is that we spend 99% of our days off-camera, so we have plenty more time to be friendly to each other than we do to be nasty.

Taking time machine back to my Degrassi Junior High self. Just to let past me know, 'You. Will. Never. Leave.'
Stefan Brogren, via Twitter

The worst abuse I get is from people who don't know who I am. I was in a restaurant and the waitress didn't realize who I was. All she could remember is that she hated me; she'd spat in my food, but then was like, 'Wait! I'm sorry! You play Pete Campbell! I thought I knew you!
Vincent Kartheiser