What, you just realized your hero was closer to you than anyone else? Come on. That's not a post-career discovery, that's Villainy 101!
— K, Antagonist
That's why my firebending was so weak before. Because for so many years, hunting you was my drive... it was my purpose. So when I joined you, I lost sight of my inner fire. But now, I have a new drive.
Batman: The real Batman never talked to you much, did he? That's probably why you were so fixated on him.
Joker: Don't play psychoanalyst with me, boy!
Batman: Oh, I don't need a degree to figure you out. The real reason you kept coming back was you never got a laugh out of the old man.
Heatwave:Flash was creative. He'd have run circles around us, spinning away our oxygen
Weather Wizard: Ha! All you do is punch and kick like a child throwing a tantrum!
Captain Cold: The old Scarlet Speedster would vibrate his molecules right outta that bronze.
Weather Wizard: With a smile and an "Aw, shucks" that just made you wanna... rip him to shreds, you know?
Heatwave: Is that-?
Captain Cold: He's back!
Weather Wizard: (wipes away tears) I promised myself I wouldn't cry!
— Batman: The Brave and the Bold, "Requiem for a Scarlet Speedster!"
Batman: All I've ever wanted to do is kill him. A day doesn't go by I don't think about subjecting him to every horrendous torture he's dealt out to others and them end him.
Joker: Awwww. So you do think about me.
Who will be your pretty little enemy?
When I'm gone your world will prove empty
I promise, you will always remember me.
Frohman: So lemme get this straight... you guys complain about every aspect of this game, yet you've been playing every day since 1999?
Could it be that you need me to keep you out, to run you faster
Promise me you'll let me be the one
The worst of all your enemies
Pretending you're a friend to me
Say that we'll be nemeses.
— "Nemeses" by Jonathan Coulton
(watching Christian dance for a ballet audition)
"His prince is dreamier than mine...Is that a gay thought or a jealous thought?...No, definitely a jealous thought."
— Inner monologue, Dance Academy
The Joker: Oh, you. You just couldn't let me go, could you? This is what happens when an unstoppable force meets an immovable object. You are truly incorruptible, aren't you? Huh? You won't kill me out of some misplaced sense of self-righteousness. And I won't kill you because you're just too much fun. I think you and I are destined to do this forever.
Batman: You'll be in a padded cell forever.
The Joker: Maybe we can share one. You know, they'll be doubling up, the rate this city's inhabitants are losing their minds.
Then I shall answer you with unforgiving hate, and unrelenting love!
— Nyarlathotep, Demonbane
The Doctor: I've been alone ever since...but not anymore. Don't you see, all we've got is each other!
The Master: Are you asking me out on a date?
— Doctor Who, "The Sound of Drums"
The word "rival" is read as homo. It means getting along so well that people will misunderstand it as homo.
— Urabu Shizuru, Fujimura-kun Mates
I'll admit in the past I've fantasized about waking up with Will's head on the pillow next to me, except now I picture it attached to the rest of his body.
— Sue Sylevester, Glee
It should be noted that in troll language, the word for friend is exactly the same as the word for enemy.
— Andrew Hussie, Homestuck
I wanna hear you scream
I wanna see you bleed
I wanna wrap my hands around that pretty neck and squeeze
If I could make you cry
I swear that I could fly
If it's not clear I wish that you would
Close the door and stay with me tonight
The Dib? The Dib! I don't care how delicious he is, he is evil!
— Zim, Invader ZIM
You and I go back
As far as I can remember
When you swore you'd take the world over
And I did think you're crazy
But also you did look hot in leather
How 'bout less psychosis, more romancin'?
— "Then Again, Maybe Not" by Kirby Krackle
Super Ninja (holding what looks like a poster of Chuck Norris): I hate you, Chuck Norris! I hate you, hate you, hate you!!
Linkara: That's why I printed off this huge picture of you! Hate you~! [Beat] Marry me.
Sinclare: Oh Max, if you really hated Kyle you couldn't have slept with him.
Khadijah: No, Max is versatile that way.
Mask, your powers are bizarre, unpredictable and beyond the realms of science... and if you were a woman, I would marry you.
— Pretorius, The Mask
It is a little bit of a mini-tragedy that him and Magneto don't, you know, have sex and become married and become best friends.
Naruto: Umm, that depends, do bitter rivals like to do sex with each other?
Sakura: If their names are David Bowie and Mick Jagger they do.
Does it bother you... bother you at all, really... that Batman likes Catwoman better? (laughing) He'll never love you, sweetheart! You can keep screwing with his city, but he's never gonna take you to the prom!
We met at an evil genius expo in Seattle, and, well, me and Peter, we instantly disliked each other. And then, he foiled a little evil scheme of mine. And, I didn't plan it that way, it just happened. ... It's not that I don't hate you anymore. I do, but look, I— I just think it's time for us to, you know, take a break and start fighting other people....
— Doofenshmirtz, Phineas and Ferb
I fell for you the moment that you pushed me
You captured me and held me for so long
I used to fuck guys like you in prison!
— Jimmy, Road House
I see you've found my trophy room, Dalton. The only thing missing... is your ass.
— Brad Wesley, Road House
"I've often wondered what this moment would be like. Me... you tied up. It's a shame you brought the children."
It is a curious subject of observation and inquiry, whether hatred and love be not the same thing at bottom. Each, in its utmost development, supposes a high degree of intimacy and heart-knowledge; each renders one individual dependent for the food of his affections and spiritual fife upon another: each leaves the passionate lover, or the no less passionate hater, forlorn and desolate by the withdrawal of his subject.
I can't decide
Whether you should live or die
Oh, you'll probably go to heaven
Please don't hang your head and cry
No wonder why
My heart feels dead inside
It's cold and hard and petrified
Lock the doors and close the blinds
We're going for a ride
Who's that there? You're security post? One-eye? Forget you, Vanderbeam, that's a guy I could learn to hate. I already hate him so much I'm gonna ask him to hate-marry me.
— Therin Zarde, Starslip
I don't know whether to fuck you or fuck you up!
Once this is over, we should really have angry sex.
— Bella to Dean, Supernatural
If there's one thing I learned from you, Jack, it's to keep your friends close, and your enemies so close that you're almost kissing.
You're mine. Don't even bother resisting; you'll only make it worse, and that could be painful.
— Megatron to Starscream, Transformers
Guys, not only is this monster destroying the city, he's coming onto us!
— Jason, Truncated Power Rangers
But being a magic superhero that keeps chasing the same guy? Itís completely gay. And this is coming from a guy who voluntarily has sex with other men!
Dr. Orpheus: Oh, it must be dreamy to have a costumed nemesis. Chasing you... wringing his gloved hands in concern of your every move...
Dr. Venture: You're kidding, right?
Dr. Orpheus: It just seems so romantic.
— The Venture Bros., "Tag Sale - You're It!"
There's a strange exhiliration
In such total detestation!
— Wicked, "What Is This Feeling?"
Helen: Hate and love are not so very different things. Both are focused upon another. Both are intense. Both are passionate.
Harry: And there's not much difference between "kiss" and "kill". If you only look at the letters.
HE'S MINE! HE ALWAYS HAS BEEN!
— Randy Orton on Kofi Kingston, Wrestling.WWE Raw, December 7th 2009
Rick: Oh, so you've been going through my Y-fronts have you, Vyvyan? I suppose you fancy me, is that it?
Vyvyan: (pause) Yes! As a matter of fact I do, Rick. I really really fancy you, and I want to give you a big girly kiss on the bottom!
Rick: Urgh, Mike, Vyvyan's gone all funny! He says he wants to kiss my bottom!
Vyvyan: Oh! Did I say kiss you on the bottom? I'm very sorry, what I meant was, stick a pickaxe through your spinal column!
Wesley: Get out.
Lilah: What? No sweet kiss? No 'When can I see you again?' (Death Glare from Wesley) Watch the dirty looks. That's what got me going in the first place. I'll give you this - you sure know how to channel your rage, frustration, and hate. Always a bigger turn on than love.
Truth is, a spirit of chaos doesn't get to enjoy a lot of consistency in life. All I've had to look forward to are conflict, taxes... And you. I've asked myself many times, "What would I be without Celestia?" And you know what? I never like the answer. Enemy or rival or whatever, you're an important part of my life. The world is more fun because you're in it. And what better day to celebrate you than today?