Quotes: Cats Are Mean

"Women and cats will do as they please. Men and dogs should just get used to it."

"The kitten's face is soft and furry.
The kitten's voice is soft and purry.
The trouble with the kitten is that
Eventually it becomes a cat."

"Macavity, Macavity, there's no-one like Macavity
For he's a fiend in feline shape,
A monster of depravity"

"No cat in the world ever gave anyone a straight answer."

"Dogs aren't clever, they eat their own dung,
They whine like babies and sweat through their tongue,
The big ones are stupid, the small are high-strung,
But cats are
Triumph the Insult Comic Dog

"Cats are asssholes."

"You should realize by now, your highness— a cat has no duty but to do exactly as he pleases."

"Sure, dogs are stereotyped as being lovable but dumb, with cats being their cold-blooded intelligent nemeses, but between that study and everyday observations of either animal staring into a blank corner and barking or meowing for no reason, it seems pretty clear that deep down they're all rock fucking stupid, God bless them."

"Owners of dogs will have noticed that, if you provide them with food and water and shelter and affection, they will think you are god. Whereas owners of cats are compelled to realize that, if you provide them with food and water and shelter and affection, they draw the conclusion that they are gods."
Christopher Hitchens, The Portable Atheist

"You guys, today’s Heathcliff features Heathcliff suspended in mid-air, a là Bullet Time from The Matrix, as his angry owner-lady informs her doomed guests that hot furry death is about to descend on their faces, all yowling and slashing claws. It is honestly amazing."
The Comics Curmudgeon on Heathcliff

"When a dog sees another creature taking a nap, it might cuddle up next to them and gently lick their foreheads when they’re having a nightmare. When a cat sees another creature taking a nap, it’ll screw with a bitch and nearly scare a heart attack into them just because they can. Since I’m a dog owner (or is my dog a human owner? That sounds more like it), I am on Team Dog, but shifty moves like this make me want to consider sliding over to the dark side. I worship this pussy’s cuntiness. Sorry, Madge, but this villain cat is a real unapologetic bitch."

"So let me get this straight: killer domestic cats that drag their victims down to the sewers? ...Poor Kim Manners. An excellent director left with the unfortunate job of having to make fluffy cats look scary. The puppet specimen that attacks Scully is hilariously awful and you can just imagine the outtakes of Anderson diving around the set with this hideously unconvincing ball of fluff clamped to her face (in fact you don’t have to imagine it…most of it ended up in the episode!). Worse Mulder turns his flash light on the pussy army from hell and they all look as if they would rather be somewhere else. I swear I could see one licking its arse. Ooh scary."
Doc Oho on The X-Files, "Teso Dos Bichos"

"A badass criminal cat recently slipped into an elderly English couple's home, proceeding to attack one of 'em, trash some antiques and, yes, shit everywhere...The feral villain then scaled the curtains and squatted in a window until the next morning, when the homeowners asked their motorcyclist neighbor for help. He suited up in his leatheriest leathers and managed to grasp the cat in a blanket. I mean, look at this cat. This cat does not give a fuck. That's the stare of a hardened criminal. Be vigilant. It seems unlikely cats will actually attempt to seize power, because they've got it pretty good already, but if they ever amass any serious firepower we'll be forced to spend all day, every day serving the local strays Fancy Feast."
Jezebel, "Stone-Cold Cat Trashes Home and Terrorizes Elderly Couple"

"If cats are growing opposable thumbs, that means they can hold s*** like a butcherknife, a stick of dynamite, a lightsaber, or your mother's favourite toy, which she refers to as a back massager but we all know that ain't what it's for. I'm just saying, I don't want cats taking over the world. Their videos are already taking over the damn Internet!"

"It's easy to understand why the cat has eclipsed the dog as modern America's favorite pet. People like pets to possess the same qualities they do. Cats are irresponsible and recognize no authority, yet are completely dependent on others for their material needs. Cats cannot be made to do anything useful. Cats are mean for the fun of it."
P. J. O'Rourke

"Is this one of those situations that involves "ethics"? Because I'm a cat, you know. I've never been particularly good at those."
Krosp I, Emperor of all Cats, Girl Genius

"Billington is an expert at soul-sucking abominations. Now he's in thrall to another, greater evil: one with a damaged body, so he's provided it with a convenient temporary replacement while he comes up with enough sacrificial victims and spare parts to repair its original one. What entity aboard this ship exhibits all the personality traits of a cold-blooded killing machine, combined with the monstrous, overweening vanity and laziness of a convalescent war god lounging in their personal Valhalla while their minions prepare their armor? There's only one answer. The Persian tomcat..."
Bob Howard, on why a cat is the perfect host for an Eldritch Abomination; The Jennifer Morgue

Walter had never liked cats. They'd seemed to him the sociopaths of the pet world, a species domesticated as an evil necessary for the control of rodents and subsequently fetishized the way unhappy countries fetishize their militaries, saluting the uniforms of killers as cat owners stroke their animals' lovely fur and forgive their claws and fangs. He'd never seen anything in a cat's face but simpering incuriosity and self-interest; you only had to tease one with a mouse-toy to see where it's true heart lay...cats were all about using people.
Jonathan Franzen, Freedom

The Cat is held up to reprobation as a selfish animal, seeking her own comfort and disregardful of others; attached only to localities, and bearing no real affection for her owners. She is said to be sly and treacherous, hiding her talons in her velvety paws as long as she is in a good temper, but ready to use them upon her best friends if she is crossed in her humors.

Whatever may have been the experience of those who gave so slanderous a character to the Cat, my own rather wide acquaintance with this animal has led me to very different conclusions. The Cats with which I have been most familiar have been as docile, tractable, and good-tempered as any dog could be, and displayed an amount of intellectual power which would be equalled by very few dogs, and surpassed by none.
The Reverend J.G. Wood, from the 1885 book Our Living World: A Natural History.

"Bloody things, I hate those bloody cats! The way they meow and they piss everywhere and their shit just smells bloody awful! All over my furniture!"
Gregg the Grim Reaper, Conkers Bad Fur Day

"I don't bloody believe it! They've got fish versions of the little bastards now!"
Gregg the Grim Reaper, Conkers Bad Fur Day

"You're a disgrace to Kung Fu, and if you have any respect for who we are and what we do, you will be gone by morning."
Tigress, telling Po he shouldn't be the Dragon Warrior; Kung Fu Panda

"Cats aren't animals. They're hate in fur. True fact."
Randy Milholland, this Something Positive strip.

"Your human world is dying. Every day you suck this planet dry you arrange your own demise. Meow. Meow."
"And if it lights up blue, the cat's mood is "When death comes for all as it will and as it must, no one will mourn you"
— Image captions from this article on Cracked.