Quotes: Brainless Beauty

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    Anime and Manga 

It seems like the rumor that bust size and math test scores are inversely proportional is true.

    Film — Live-Action 

Hobson: Thrilling to meet you, "Gloria."
Prostitute: Hi.
Hobson: Yes, you obviously have a wonderful economy with words, Gloria. I look forward to your next syllable with great eagerness.
Arthur (1981)

    Literature 

She was a dull person, but a sensational invitation to make babies.

Some of the most beautiful bodies are seldom endowed with the keenest of minds.
Huma D'Este, The Ribbajack

Madame Zeroni: Myra's head is as empty as a flowerpot.
Elya Yelnats: But she's beautiful.
Madame Zeroni: So is a flowerpot.
Holes

Stiffy's map, as a rule, tends to be rather grave and dreamy, giving the impression that she is thinking deep, beautiful thoughts. Quite misleading, of course. I don't suppose she would recognize a deep, beautiful thought if you handed it to her on a skewer with tartare sauce.
Bertie Wooster, The Code of the Woosters

Whenever an occasion arose in which she needed an opinion on something in the wider world, she borrowed her husband's. If this had been all there was to her, she wouldn't have bothered anyone, but as is so often the case with such women, she suffered from an incurable case of of pretentiousness. Lacking any internalized values of her own, such people can arrive at a standpoint only by adopting other people's standards or views. The only principle that governs their minds is the question "How do I look?"
Haruki Murakami, The Wind-Up Bird Chronicle

    Live-action TV 

Liz: He is a doctor who doesn't know the Heimlich maneuver! He can't play tennis, he can't cook, he's as bad at sex as I am, but he has no idea!
Jack: That is the danger of being super-handsome. When you're in the bubble, nobody ever tells you the truth. For years, I thought I spoke excellent French. (gibberish)
30 Rock

Sidas: Do you know what the difference between her IQ and mine is? 91 points. In relation, she's closer to a gibbon than she is to me. Having sex with her would be an act of bestiality.
Foreman: I assume you didn't marry her for her skill in applied physics.
Sidas: I just wish she could spell it.
House, "Ignorance is Bliss"

    Music 

Dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb girl
Dump with the cap of a bee
Stupid as can be, right down, dump, the girl is
Dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb girl
The girl is
dumb
Run-D.M.C., "Dumb Girl"

    Theatre 

Harold: Well, I suppose he has an interesting face and body, but it turns me right off because he can't talk intelligently about art.
Emory: Yeah, ain't it a shame?
Harold: I could never love anyone like that.
Emory: Never. Who could?
Harold: I could and you could, that's who could.

    Webcomics 

Ben, you're super cute, but I also think you might be the dumbest man alive.
Cleo, Bobwhite (source strip)

    Web Original 

A great singer. But on her cd, she keeps reminding us that she is a virgo. I don't care what your sign is, Beyonce.

Call me judgemental, but I get the impression these aren’t women you’d want to sit around and talk to. Conversely, I like to think I can be a great conversationalist. I can be funny, smart, interesting; but nobody’s taking long lens photos of me at the beach and remarking on the hardness of my lovely little nips. Maybe that’s it. The sexual Yin-Yang... the heart (well, the penis) wants what it wants. I think half of the feeling of intense self-loathing over these Hate Crushes comes from just how mainstream they are. It’s the “I like U2 and the films of Brett Ratner” of sexuality. A pretentious hipster like me, who’s into esoteric things someone like you probably hasn’t heard of struggles with this. My celebrity crushes are quirky actresses like Ellen Page and one of the slave girls from Starz’s Spartacus. The women in this article are ogled at by Sun-reading men in canteens, brushing pie crumbs from their paparazzi-snapped taxi door crotches and saying things like “You wouldn’t kick that out of bed would you, mate? By that I mean I would shag her.

[Watches Amanda attempt to hide from this list by putting on a blond wig backward.]
Drew Magary on Amanda Bynes, "The 25 Least Influential People of 2013"

And you know what? The first sentence of this paragraph was apparently a verbal tic that Nikki used to start every sentence in her promos.
Wrestlecrap on the Bella Twins, 2014 Gooker Winner

Amy Zidian's tenure with the company deserves its own entry... Zidian genuinely didn't know who Vickie was or why she was an on-screen talent, something that five minutes of research would've cleared up for her. Her ignorance was not appreciated by others. There was a push to fire her based on it, but John Laurinaitis (yes, him again, he always shows up in these situations) persuaded everyone to give her another chance.

This second chance went even worse than the first one did. Stephanie McMahon spoke to Zidian, attempting to give her some advice on proper backstage behavior. In front of a crowd and with attitude in her voice, Zidian asked Stephanie who she was to be giving out advice. Yes, you read that right. She didn't know who one of her bosses was! Zidian's reaction to learning Stephanie's identity was not apologetic, and her fate was sealed. She lasted barely a month. Laurinaitis, who was responsible for all this by calling her up in the first place, unsurprisingly kept his job.
Taimapedia

Britney says she realized there was 'a lot of mean things on the Internet.' This is pretty much the reaction my dog would have if she suddenly became sentient.
Jezebel, "Britney Spears' Delusional 'Documentary' is a Hot, Glittery Mess"

Thinking is not for everyone, Megan! You know when you put an extra large load of laundry in the dryer and it can’t handle it, so it starts violently shaking during the spin cycle? That’s what Megan’s brain does when she tries to think too hard. Megan, keep the load light, hon.

The term “indigo child" was introduced by psychic reader Nancy Ann Tappe...indigo children represent the next step in human evolution, but we close-minded normal folks fail to recognize their potential and classify them as attention-deficit instead.

Now, Jenny McCarthy used to believe that she was an indigo mother and her son was an even more evolved crystal child (she even ran the website Indigo Moms). In 2007, however, McCarthy attended the University of Google for some weeks and decided that her child was vaccine damaged instead. And so it began.

Ah, the 80s: a fearful, turbulent decade that tested our national resolve as never before! ...Democracy was never more threatened than when Reagan was in office, pissing off the Communists and (even worse!) the air traffic controllers while Nancy was busy formulating national policy with astrological charts.

Seated in a corner Hollywood booth were a couple out of central casting for a gangster movie set in the 70's. He has shiny bootblack hair, a white suit and gold chains, rings and far too many shirt buttons open. Her with the crazy long nails and giant creepy bangs. Their colognes were at battle with each other. The accent was as thick as you can imagine for outer borough New York City. Really, central casting... I'm nearby finishing the evening's side work, when she cocks her finger and calls me over. "How can I help?", I ask. "There's dirt in my creme brulee", she says. "Excuse me?" I respond incredulously. She points that long fingernail toward her dessert and repeats, "There's dirt (pronounced as doy-wt) in my creme brulee." I look to where she is pointing and say, "Oh, I'm sorry, but that's the vanilla bean in your Vanilla Bean Creme Brulee." She looks at me and says, "Don't be ridiculous. Everybody knows vanilla is liquid."

I could not respond.
Jezebel, "Unbelievably Dumb Restaurant Customers"

    Web Video 

"Omigod".

You're a professional lyricist, and that's the best you could come up with.

    Western Animation 

Why are the cute ones always tube-heads?
Blackarachnia, Beast Wars

    Real Life 

...men who, considering females rather as women than human creatures, have been more anxious to make them alluring mistresses than affectionate wives and rational mothers; and the understanding of the sex has been so bubbled by this specious homage that the civilized women of the present century, with a few exceptions, are only anxious to inspire love, when they ought to cherish a nobler ambition, and by their abilities and virtues exact respect.
Mary Wollstonecraft, A Vindication of the Rights of Woman (1792)

A gift for selecting fine bodies attached to heads filled with the bright confetti of lunacy.
Gore Vidal, on friend Tennessee Williams' taste in dates

I owe America a global apology.

So Miss USA doesn't know the capital of her home state? To be fair she probably doesn't know the capitals of any of the states.
Sarah Michelle Gellar, tweeted 6.19.14