Quotes: Bond Villain Stupidity

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    Film — Live-Action 
Dr. Evil: All right, guard, begin the unnecessarily slow-moving dipping mechanism! *mechanism starts* Close the tank!
Scott: Wait, aren't you even gonna watch them? They could get away!
Dr. Evil: No. I'm going to leave them alone and not actually witness them dying, I'm just gonna assume it all went to plan. Why?
Scott: I have a gun, in my room, you give me five seconds, I'll get it, I'll come back down here, BOOM, I'll blow their brains out! We can do it together, it'll be fun!
Dr. Evil: Scott... You just don't get it, do you. You don't.
Austin Powers: International Man of Mystery

Mr. Bond, you persist in defying my efforts to provide an amusing death for you.
Hugo Drax, the villain from Moonraker

    Film — Animated 

Lucius: ...So now I'm in deep trouble. I mean, one more jolt of this death ray and I'm an epitaph. Somehow I manage to find cover, and what does Baron von Ruthless do?
Bob: (snickering) He starts monologuing.
Lucius: HE STARTS MONOLOGUING! He starts, like, this prepared speech about how "feeble" I am compared to him, how "inevitable" my defeat is, how "the world WILL SOON BE HIS!", yadda yadda yadda...


Villains, they always want to talk you to death.
Wall Flower, The Transfer Students

Now untie him, Wormtail, and give him back his wand.
Lord Voldemort on Harry Potter, Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire

Ty: Classic Bond villain mistake.
Blake: I know.
Ty: Leaving the enemy in the deathtrap, ignoring him? A henchman of questionable loyalties watching over things?
Blake: I know.
Ty: Don’t tell me you did the monologue, explaining things.
Blake: I did, kind of.
Ty: Damn it, Blake.

The easiest and perhaps the most sensible thing would be to shoot you now. In half an hour you could be at the bottom of the ocean, and neither Mrs. Jones nor Mr. Ethan Brooke would ever know what had happened to you. But I'm not going to do that.
Major Winston Yu, Alex Rider

    Live-Action TV 

I've really got to learn to just do the damage and get out of town. It's the stay-and-gloat that gets me every time.
Ethan Rayne, Buffy the Vampire Slayer

Turanj: I've become impatient. We penetrated this vessel, overcame their defenses, and in the moment of the kill, you forced us to stop. Now we play these incessant games. It's time we took our trophies and moved on.
Karr: Your lust for the kill has blinded you, like many young hunters. If you took the time to study your prey, to understand its behavior, you might learn something.
Turanj: There is nothing to be learned!
Star Trek: Voyager, "The Killing Game"

You're not a Bond villain, Daniel. You're a fraud. And frauds don't get to speak like Bond villains. They do get to die like them.
Tony, NCIS


The villain wants to kill the hero. He has him cornered at gunpoint. All he has to do is pull the trigger. But he always talks first. He explains the hero's mistakes to him. Jeers. Laughs. And gives the hero time to think his way out of the situation, or be rescued by his buddies. Cf. most James Bond movies.
Roger Ebert's Little Movie Glossary, on the "Fallacy of the Talking Killer"

    Web Original 

Chris: Riddler also looks at Batman and goes “Whyyyy can’t I killlll youuuuuuu?” And if I had to guess, I’d say it probably has something to do with not shooting him in the head when he had the chance about 20 minutes ago.
David: I wish I could have shot this movie in the head 20 minutes ago.
—Chris Sims and David Uzumeri on Batman Forever

Anyhoo, as one of the Minions poses with Gadget for a picture, he puts some sort of homing beacon on Gadget’s hat. This makes it so that Claw can control Gadget’s every move; Claw forces Gadget to do things like throw his Coke and fries everywhere. Instead of, say, forcing Gadget to say “Go-Go Gadget Handgun” and shoot himself in the face, thus ridding himself of Gadget and ridding me of this shit-ass movie. Nope, Claw forces Gadget to squirt mustard everywhere and...break dance?
Matt Briner in his review of Inspector Gadget 2

Only The Master is such a twat that he would record a message for the entire universe relaying his demands before his plans have even come to fruition.

That quote up at the top of my review is from a children's movie that more thoroughly understood what villainy is than Smallville seems capable of. This version of Lionel is supposed to be utterly ruthless and without mercy. So why does he go all Bond villain on Lois and just wave a gun at her while monologuing, rather than doing what someone of his character would in real life; shoot her in the head?

Because Lois isn't allowed to die. And so Lionel isn't allowed to be Lionel.

Good writing ensures that characters aren't put in situations where they have to behave contrary to their nature just to further plot. Lois should be dead (twice this episode) but she isn't because she can't be. The solution? Don't put Lois in a situation where the only logical outcome is death. This was an example of pure lazy writing and I'm utterly sick of being asked week after week to swallow this kind of garbage in the name of advancing the story.
Julian Finn on Smallville, "Scion"

Jafar chortles with glee as he orders Aladdin's death for the second time, and this go-round it HAS to stick because everybody is chained up. He's so happy about it, he changes into Jasmine again the morning of the execution to reveal his true identity to Aladdin RIGHT before he loses his head, won't that be poetic? In doing this, he leaves the room, and ten thousand defeated villains screamed in agony from Hades, "ARE WE ALL DOOMED TO REPEAT THAT MISTAKE FOREVER??"

    Web Video 

"Tell me the whole plot
There is no way you can get caught
You seem to tie such a good knot
Just leave me here so I can rot
Forget the fact we ever fought
I'm thankful I haven't be shot"
Goldentusk "James Bond Theme"

Anyway, it's time to kill off the Jedi. Oh, good. How do they go about it? Well, they start pumping an obvious deadly white gas into the room; this alerts them to danger.

Well actually, blowing up their ship does. I guess they should've pumped in the gas first, and once the Jedi were dead, then blown the ship up? ...Just tell 'em to leave! That you don't wanna negotiate! And then, when their ship flies out of your space dock, SHOOT IT WITH LASERS.

Also, we need to consider the fact that killing two Jedis that were sent there as peaceful ambassadors would be a pretty heinous crime in the eyes of the Galactic Senate, the organization that runs everything (including space taxes). I mean, you could just claim they never got there. But now you've got the burned wreckage of their ship inside of your horribly-burned docking bay.

(If you missed that one: the Hirogen captured Voyager, but instead of killing them all, the Alpha had their brains taken over by a computer and then put into holodeck scenarios for endless games to repeat the hunt, but not actually kill them. It's the Hirogen version of edging.)
SFDebris on Star Trek: Voyager, "Flesh and Blood"

    Western Animation 

Do you ever notice how bad guys always leave at these critical moments? Oh well. (leaves)
Dr. Gene Splicer, Tiny Toon Adventures, "Hare Raising Night"

Senor Senior Sr: A proper villain always leaves his foe when he's about to expire.
Senor Senior Jr: Why?
Senor Senior Sr: Well, it would be bad form just to lull about, waiting for it.
Senor Senior Jr: Why?
Senor Senior Sr: Tradition!
Kim Possible, "Animal Attraction"