Quotes: Bile Fascination

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    Film — Live-Action 

Sometimes it's interesting to see just how bad bad writing can be. This one promised to go the limit.

So this is the new Eet Tee 2. Hm... It claims to be even worse than original. Ugh, look at it; It's foul. It's putrid. It's despicable—as it intentionally tries to be. But true wretchedness is too unique to duplicate. The original stood the test of infamy.... And that's the power of the classics.


Or, the Not-So-Classics that we love to hate.

I'm disgusted and repulsed and I can't... look... away.
Becky, Clerks II

And yet I cannot not watch it. May God have mercy on us all.
Dr. Paul Armstrong, The Lost Skeleton of Cadavra

    Live-Action TV 

Statler: This show is awful!
Waldorf: Terrible!
Statler: Disgusting!
Waldorf: See you next week?
Statler: Of course.

I’d rather read the worst book ever written than sit through the best movie ever made.
Mulder, The X-Files ("Musings of a Cigarette-Smoking Man")


The movie is pretty bad, all right. But it has a certain charm. It's so completely wrong-headed from beginning to end that it develops a doomed fascination.

    Newspaper comics 

Paige: I can't believe how trashy this talk show is. It's nothing but sex, vulgarity, deviancy and fighting. It has not one redeeming value. No thoughtful discussions... No good examples... Nothing but pure, 100 percent trash.
Andy: So why do you watch it?
Paige: I just told you.
FoxTrot, January 9, 1996

I'm actually enjoying this and it deeply disturbs me.

    Web Animation 

I was slightly surprised to find Daikatana available on Steam, but even more so by the feature list: '25 glorious weapons to collect and utilize!', 'Two highly-trained sidekicks to watch your back!' I'd have said it was being sarcastic if I thought publishers had any self-awareness at all. But realistically, everyone knows that its infamous reputation is the only reason this game is on Steam, and the blurb should have read, 'Roll up, roll up, everyone come and see the freak!'


Holy crap... That sounds just disgusting enough to loop back around on itself and become awesome again!
Tony, Real Life Comics

    Web Original 

What she saw crawling upon this world repulsed her. Yet she could not tear her gaze away.
— Flavour text of Godhead of Awe (see The Seer's Parables)

America Unearthed is an American television series from The History Channel, where it keeps company with such scholarly gems as Ancient Aliens and Cryptid...America Unearthed follows self proclaimed 'forensic geologist' Scott Wolter on a quest to investigate mysteries and artifacts that raise questions about the accepted history of the United States. So far, so good. Wolter goes on to use his discoveries as 'evidence' in support of his own-brand unified conspiracy theory, which is where it becomes arguably an enjoyable sensationalist entertainment show, but definitely a lousy documentary series.

David: More of this, PLEASE. This is entirely too entertaining. I just want rapid-fire continuity references thrown at my face at 100 miles an hour.
Chris: Seriously, as fun as this was, it was almost completely ruined for me by errors a high school play wouldn’t make. But again, I’ll take a crazy script with massive plot-holes over just plain boring any day of the week. Assuming that day is Friday at 8 PM on the CW. On other days, I at least like to pretend I’ve got standards.
—Chris Sims and David Uzumeri on Smallville ("Patriot")

It's such a car crash that you can't help but watch the results through your fingertips and wince. I think this is supposed to be a fun piece but it is so misjudged and po-faced that it misses the entertainment jugular by a country mile. I'm not sure what is worse; the perverted subtext, the graphic content of toilet sex, masturbation and lesbianism, the retarded characterisation of Gwen who never once convinces as a competent police officer, the unflinching arrogance of the rest of the team, the lack of a single identifiable character, the way the plot stops halfway through for the team to grab a Chinese, the piles of dust in the wank bank, the lack of anything resembling logic, scares, laughs or intelligence...this really is as bad as it gets. I find it hard to think of an episode of science fiction that is quite this tacky and I have seen some pretty hideous examples.

You want to see something that's like really seriously disturbing and that nobody in their right mind would want to look at? You're on the internet so I guess the answer is probably yes.
Ariella Rasputin Wallflower, The Wallflower Report

It's an incomprehensible blend of a heist movie with a conspiracy movie and an action movie, and it's funny, but not for the reasons the creators intended... It launched a bunch of shit at a wall hoping some would stick, but all of it stuck, and no one stopped to ask, 'How about we throw something other than shit at this wall?' I watched it on TV so many times that if I had a Nielsen ratings box, my home's data would have been reported as faulty and tossed out — no one watches that much Hudson Hawk without it being a glitch.

I never need anything ever again.

No food.

No sleep.

No gifts.

A kind young lad has sent me a hard drive with the entire run of WCW Thunder. Now I’ve watched all that before live, saw lots of it again as Bryan and I wrote both Death of WCWs.

But I never had unlimited access to everything it contained at my fingertips.

Now that I do, I cannot stop watching it. What a delightfully, absurdly, never-ending train wreck it is...If WWE were really serious about making money on the Network, they’d just run every episode of this show from 1999-2000 on the live stream repeatedly.


This movie has sat on top of my rant-pile for about a year, collecting dust because I've been legitimately afraid of putting it into my DVD player... because every time I looked at the cover, I heard Steven's voice waft up from the ethereal realm and tell me 'You're not ready.' And I haven't been. I've felt unworthy of touching this...marvel. This masterpiece. I spent a month just tracking this movie down, and there it sat on my desk untouched, a neutron bomb of shitty movie that once released would scar me for life if it didn't destroy me outright. I went to every bookstore, movie store, secondhand store, and mall in Mesa and later in Tempe, and couldn't find it. I actually made clerks call other stores in the area to ask if they had a copy of this piece of shit. They looked at me like I was fucking nuts and tried to sell me copies of Hitch instead. The clerk at Borders actually asked if he was on a reality TV show when I asked him to find this movie in his computer. I resorted to Netflix, and found that the copy I received there had been split neatly down the middle. Not only that, the surface of the DVD had been ravaged and gouged with deep ruts, covered with dirt and tiny little shards of gravel wedged into it. It's as if someone, either a previous renter or the Netflix envelope-stuffer saw what I was about to do to myself, snapped the disc in half, then realized that some meaningful data might somehow be salvaged from the halves, took it to the parking lot and ground the pieces into the asphalt under his heels. I eventually had to get it from Amazon after a month of tracking.

You read that right. I put this much effort into tracking a Steven Seagal movie. Send help.
Noah Antwiler on Belly of the Beast

For crying out loud people! Why do I do this to myself? Sometimes I feel like such a movie masochist. For example, I recently bought two (count em) TWO Scorsese box sets on the cheap and they have about four movies that I haven’t even seen yet. Yet when it came to decision time for what I was going to see the answer was not “I need to see Alice Doesn't Live Here Anymore, the answer was “Man, Ballistic looks like complete shit! I just gotta see how bad this it!” Another example is that I rented An American Carol from Blockbuster to review it. I popped the disc in and found the previous owner did me a HUGE favor and swapped the DVD inside for the much superior movie Ray. Its as if he was saying “No one needs to see this movie. I’m just going to sacrifice one of my better movies so no one has to be hurt by this turd stain of a movie.” So what do I do? I go back to the Blockbuster and GET A NEW COPY! I went out of my way to watch An American Carol! What’s next: a Tyler Perry film festival!?
Miles Antwiler on Ballistic: Ecks vs. Sever

Family Circus at least is fascinating in this weird meta kind of way. A lot of times, Family Circus didn’t even have jokes. Or observations. Or anything. And you would just kind of stare at it, trying to figure out what it was you were looking at and why it existed. Kind of like a Rob Liefeld drawing. I have to admit, I can stare at a Liefeld drawing a lot longer, in some cases, than a drawing by somebody who can actually draw, because there’s just something fascinating about it. Traffic slows down when it passes a car accident.

Ride To Hell Retribution''' is a spectacular monument to failure. If failure were Paris, Ride to Hell would be the Arc de Triomphe. If failure were Washington, D.C., Ride to Hell would be the Washington Monument or the Lincoln Memorial or that Vietnam wall thing or whatever. You get the picture.
Josh Harmon, on Ride to Hell: Retribution.

I'm conditioned to turn away from the computer at this point, but I've gotta keep watching.

The Donkey Kong cartoon is hard to find, and many people have been wondering how it measures up against time. Not well. In fact, Saturday Supercade as a whole was terrible — it has to be said. Fortunately, bad cartoons are more fun to write about than good ones.
Peter Paltridge in his article about the original Donkey Kong cartoon

''I would like you to know that I hate each and every one of you. And I really hate who ever it was that put this book in my path, because I KNOW it was RHG bait and you KNOW I can’t resist that so...

Oh my god, the pain.''
RedHeadedGirl from Smart Bitches, Trashy Books, on THIS (NSFW)

    Web Video 

It's like trying to properly judge a four-tier wedding cake that is made out of shit. It's an impressive achievement, a masterpiece in some respects, but the point that can't be missed is that it's made out of shit.
SFDebris on Star Trek: Voyager, "The Cloud"

Mike: It's like saying the desert is hot. Yes, the desert is hot, but unless you've walked through it for 24 hours with no water, you can't truly know how hot the desert is. You have to see the whole thing.
Jay: But you may find yourself in a situation where you need to walk through the desert. There's never going to be a situation where you NEED to watch the Stars Wars Holiday Special!
Mike: (sagely) If you want to complain about how bad the Stars Wars Holiday Special is, you need to have watched it from beginning to end. If you have not, you have no right to complain about how bad it is. It's a rite of passage.

I went to the film's iMDB page and found exactly jack shit about it. The only reason I got a plot synopsis is because of the 3 reviews it had. It was that obscure... So, of course, I had to get it. I strolled on over to Amazon, my credit card at the ready—and found nothing. Nothing at all. I couldn't even find a trailer on YouTube. I had to do some deep digging. And when I finally did come across a copy, it was a German DVD.

But I am nothing if not sad, creepy and determined. I was gonna get that movie.

Lo and behold, I found a PAL VHS on the UK eBay.... I, of course, had no PAL VHS player, had no way of converting the movie, and was now the owner of a $30 brick. But the light was still at the end of the tunnel because I do, in fact, know some British people. Months later, I'm at MAGfest (all the way across the country) and I've brought Crowfoot with me, only to hand it off to Film Brain, who takes back to Swindon and converts it for me. Cut to late March when we're both in Chicago, and I get the VHS back and a DVD copy. This is again taken all the way across the country, where it now resides on my shelf. This is a well-traveled VHS. So I guess the question now is, was the movie worth it? HELL YEAH the movie was worth it! This movie should get some sort of award for half-baked ideas and personifying the nineties.
Allison Pregler on Crowfoot

Hitler: Continue from the next fucking preview!
Jodl: But Mein Führer, why continue when you already know about his stupidity?!
Hitler: I wanna see how stupider he gets!
Jodl: You already called him the stupidest!
Hitler: Well the... video is not done yet! You dumbass! I wanna see how much further he can go!

    Western Animation 

It's so horrible! Yet I stare perversely fascinated.
Peter Puppy from the Earthworm Jim cartoon episode, The Anti-Fish

    Real Life 

Me, I like them because they amuse me. I never get tired of the show... so unimaginably exhilarating and preposterous that one lives a gorgeous year in an hour.
H. L. Mencken on why he covered political conventions

I agreed to write the script if Tennessee would have no hand in it. Later, Sam [Spiegel] would talk him into taking co-credit for my screenplay on the ground, "Baby, it will win the Academy Award." As [Tennessee] was ravenous for prizes, he put his name alongside mine on the script. Happily, the reviews were so bad that he immediately regretted what he had done; later, he was less disturbed as the press proved to be so bad that the public was driven to see what The New York Times shrieked was a celebration of sodomy, incest, cannibalism and Elizabeth Taylor at her most voluptuous.
Gore Vidal on Suddenly Last Summer, Palimpsest