Quotes: Artificial Stupidity

    open/close all folders 

"Never missed Melrose Place or Lost in Space
I've seen each
Amazing Race and Without a Trace
But I only watched
Will and Grace one time one day
Wish I hadn't 'cause TiVo now thinks I'm gay"
"Weird Al" Yankovic, "Couch Potato"

He's not just a regular moron. He's the product of the greatest minds of a generation working together with the express purpose of building the dumbest moron who ever lived.
Portal 2, GLaDOS

When the 'Drink' button is pressed it makes an instant but highly detailed examination of the subject's taste buds, a spectroscopic analysis of the subject's metabolism, and then sends tiny experimental signals down the neural pathways to the taste centres of the subject's brain to see what is likely to be well received. However, no-one knows quite why it does this because it then invariably delivers a cupful of liquid that is almost, but not quite, entirely unlike tea.

The problem with computers is that they're very sophisticated idiots.

Yayandas: We are about to calibrate the newly installed, super-responsive inertial damper. You will never again feel the slightest shake, and never once be torn from your sleep, even if you are rammed head-on by a Xenon.
Nopileos: Rrrr... do they do that?
Yayandas: So one hears...

You're like a bunch of Lemmings with machine guns!
Gordon Freeman, Freemans Mind, on the HECU soldiers.

Look at this. I've never had any military training, so I don't know the correct procedure for these things, but if I saw my buddy run around a corner and get shot, then I saw my next buddy run around the same corner and get shot, I don't think I'd run around that same corner.
Gordon Freeman, Freemans Mind, after killing a squad of soldiers this way.

It's not stupid, it's advanced!
—Tallest Purple, introducing GIR, Invader Zim

"What a digital dummy."
Mokuba, Yu-Gi-Oh!

(Aussie accent) And look there, on the radar: A naturally ocurring flock of henchmen! Henchmen have a natural tendency to gather in large groups to hunt and mate, but alas, as a species, were born without any form of primitive survival instincts. Oh dear god, they're dying by the hundreds! Oh, the humanity!
Noah Antwiler on Demolition Man, the game

This game sucks so bad, the enemy soldiers commit suicide.
The Angry Video Game Nerd, "Schwarzenegger Games"

The Sims games are about watching fictional human beings watch TV and occasionally reminding them to go to the bathroom. It's sold over 175 million copies... What happens is something akin to madness. You spend half your time pursuing your own life goals and half the time trying to prevent Sims from accidentally killing themselves. They constantly get in arguments and break their meager possessions. They will often be naked for seemingly no reason beyond comfort when pissing themselves. Sometimes they'll starve to death, even though food is readily available. Dirty laundry and dishes infest the home like so many cockroaches. There is much screaming and flailing. Below you'll see a Sim on fire while a dozen others panic and crowd around him, preventing a rescue attempt... One hero tries to save his friend's life by attempting to initiate sex. This unorthodox approach to firefighting fails, and the Sim dies.

If your destination is too far away and you'd rather play the game instead of driving across it, exit out of the map and open your smart phone. Slowly scroll down your contact list since quickly isn't an option. Press A to call a taxi. Let it ring until a dispatcher picks up. If you are not playing the black character, a taxi will arrive 15 to 30 seconds later. It will be approximately one block from you, so look for it in the center of an exploding traffic jam it caused. It may start confusedly fleeing the crime scene, so tap the sprint button before it gets away. If you're not hit by emergency vehicles, you may be able to catch it!

The Aliens, which in the movies are horrible lurking terrors, are here the very definition of stupid, running back and forth over the same track of land with nothing resembling a predatory instinct... If these things invade Earth, we are all going to be FINE. Trust me.
Dr. Phil Sandifer on Alien3 (NES)

(waiting for guard to enter line of fire)
Yahtzee: Huh. I think we've found, uh, Conrad's intellectual match. Am I interrupting makeout time? ... C'mon, I've charged the shot. Go on, investigate your friend.
Gabriel: "Ah, it was probably nothing."
Let's Play of Flashback (2012}

One time I was low on health - but not too low - and was about to use a small herb to keep myself going when I saw my partner coming towards me brandishing a valuable large herb, and when you're running away from your support character with more desperate terror than you feel for any of the actual monsters, something has definitely gone wrong somewhere. My advice is to get someone to play co-op with you any way you can. If you live alone, kidnap a hobo or train your dog extremely well, anything.

Okay people, listen up! Here's the battle plan: Jester, die stupidly by rushing the enemy base alone and unarmed. Bishop, head for the sniper's nest where you'll make no meaningful contribution whatsoever. Kai. Othello. You guys grab the tank and get it stuck between some trees. Player1, I want you to quit the game and go make some damn friends so you don't have to play with these bots all the time. What the hell is wrong with you, anyway?

Seriously though, Fire Emblem AI does have priorities, but sometimes it just completely fails to grasp the magnitude of certain factors with respect to risk. Like this guy - he was all "Oh! She's an axe user... and I'm a sword user! STRATEGY!", and completely missed the fact that all her stats are double his. He does not survive.

This is not so much a puzzle as [the NPC you're supposed to guide] being a friggin' moron. Like, you're a professor of what, exactly?
raocow, VVVVVV - 6 - ------note 

"Enemies will stand with their backs to you in a firefight, they'll occasionally shoot at their friends, and most just run straight into your gunfire. This explains why Germany lost the war."
Hilary Goldstein, IGN, review of Hour of Victory

Iím by no means an expert, but I have some experience with robotics. My first job out of college was working on robots at NASA, and my undergraduate degree project was on robotic navigation. I spent my teenage years participating in FIRST Robotics, programming software bots to fight in virtual tournaments, and working on homemade underwater ROVs. And I've watched plenty of Robot Wars, BattleBots, and Killer Robots Robogames.
If all that experience has taught me anything, itís that the robot revolution would end quickly, because the robots would all break down or get stuck against walls. Robots never, ever work right.