"He's not just a regular moron. He's the product of the greatest minds of a generation working together with the express purpose of building the dumbest moron who ever lived."
—Portal 2, GLaDOS
"You're in my way, sir."
—Your teammates in SWAT 4. All the fucking time.
"When the 'Drink' button is pressed it makes an instant but highly detailed examination of the subject's taste buds, a spectroscopic analysis of the subject's metabolism, and then sends tiny experimental signals down the neural pathways to the taste centres of the subject's brain to see what is likely to be well received. However, no-one knows quite why it does this because it then invariably delivers a cupful of liquid that is almost, but not quite, entirely unlike tea."
"The problem with computers is that they're very sophisticated idiots."
Yayandas: We are about to calibrate the newly installed, super-responsive inertial damper. You will never again feel the slightest shake, and never once be torn from your sleep, even if you are rammed head-on by a Xenon.
Nopileos: Rrrr... do they do that?
Yayandas: So one hears...
"You're like a bunch of Lemmings with machine guns!"
"Look at this. I've never had any military training, so I don't know the correct procedure for these things, but if I saw my buddy run around a corner and get shot, then I saw my next buddy run around the same corner and get shot, I don't think I'd run around that same corner."
"This game sucks so bad, the enemy soldiers commit suicide."
— The Angry Video Game Nerd, "Schwarzenegger Games"
If your destination is too far away and you'd rather play the game instead of driving across it, exit out of the map and open your smart phone. Slowly scroll down your contact list since quickly isn't an option. Press A to call a taxi. Let it ring until a dispatcher picks up. If you are not playing the black character, a taxi will arrive 15 to 30 seconds later. It will be approximately one block from you, so look for it in the center of an exploding traffic jam it caused. It may start confusedly fleeing the crime scene, so tap the sprint button before it gets away. If you're not hit by emergency vehicles, you may be able to catch it!
(waiting for guard to enter line of fire)
Yahtzee: Huh. I think we've found, uh, Conrad's intellectual match. Am I interrupting makeout time? ...C'mon, I've charged the shot. Go on, investigate your friend.
Gabriel: "Ah, it was probably nothing."
"One time I was low on health - but not too low - and was about to use a small herb to keep myself going when I saw my partner coming towards me brandishing a valuable large herb, and when you're running away from your support character with more desperate terror than you feel for any of the actual monsters, something has definitely gone wrong somewhere. My advice is to get someone to play co-op with you any way you can. If you live alone, kidnap a hobo or train your dog extremely well, anything."
"A.I. don't go after collectibles. They usually just stand there staring at you with gormless, uncomprehending eyes. They were also never programmed to drive, so in the occasional vehicle section if you perhaps would rather take riding shotgun to its literal heart, then fuck you and your haughty airs. The A.I. will pile into the backseat without a word and just look at you like a dog with its leash in its mouth. And as I said, they can't aim for shit. But after you've single-handedly cleared out an entire room, they'll unfailingly say the one of their four or five endlessly repeated lines that goes 'You don't have to do this all by yourself, you know!' There is no middle finger big enough!"
—Zero Punctuation, Call of Juarez
"Okay people, listen up! Here's the battle plan: Jester, die stupidly by rushing the enemy base alone and unarmed. Bishop, head for the sniper's nest where you'll make no meaningful contribution whatsoever. Kai. Othello. You guys grab the tank and get it stuck between some trees. Player1, I want you to quit the game and go make some damn friends so you don't have to play with these bots all the time. What the hell is wrong with you, anyway?"
It's not that the other monsters didn't look scary—they did—it's just that they were total idiots. When the Hell Knight got trapped behind a stack of crates, our hearts went out to him. It was like watching a three-legged puppy trying to catch a Frisbee.
"All the bad guys know how to do is fly directly at you and fire. Actually, I'm not even sure they know how to do that. As an experiment, I went out to a navpoint with a single pirate, parked my ship, zero speed, stood up from the computer, and let the pirate attack my unmoving, completely defenseless ship. And do you know how long it took for that pirate to finally kill me? Neither do I, because he couldn't. Fucking. Do it. [...] Congratulations, guys! Your enemy AI is less effective than the fucking UFO in Asteroids!"
Just for posterity, here's what Titania can do. We don't actually do this; instead we just have her stand next to Oscar and wall. She's so powerful that she'll dissuade the enemy from-
[screenshot: enemy Myrmidon dealing zero damage]
Well, I hope it was worth it. Seriously though, Fire Emblem AI does have priorities, but sometimes it just completely fails to grasp the magnitude of certain factors with respect to risk. Like this guy - he was all "Oh! She's an axe user... and I'm a sword user! STRATEGY!", and completely missed the fact that all her stats are double his. He does not survive.
This is not so much a puzzle as [the NPC you're supposed to guide] being a friggin' moron. Like, you're a professor of what, exactly?