Quotes / Alcohol-Induced Idiocy

"An American monkey, after getting drunk on brandy, would never touch it again, and thus is much wiser than most men."

Kyle: Dude, why is your store called the Indian Burial Ground Pet Store?
Store owner: Well there was an Indian burial ground here before I bought it.
Stan: So you just built your store on an Indian burial ground!?
Store owner: Oh hell no. First I dug up all the bodies, pissed on them and then buried them again upside down.
Kyle: Why!?
Store owner: Why? I don't know. I was drunk.

Hold my beer.
—The prelude to either a good time or this trope played straight.

Dwight Conrad: I heard alcohol makes you stupid.
Fry: No I'm... doesn't!
Futurama: "Route of All Evil"

Penny: [My ex boyfriend] got arrested for taking a whiz on a cop car.
Leonard: What?
Penny: He was drunk.
Leonard: I would hope so!

"I believe alcoholics are God's rodeo clowns. We're the ones doing the stupid shit nobody else will do."

Player: You deputized a gun?
Sherf: You're new in town, maybe you ain't noticed — but there ain't much to do here 'cept drink.

"My friends and I were hosting a poker night, and I'd never played poker before, but for some reason, with liquid confidence in my system (the equivalent to about an entire bottle of wine), I was incredibly confident that luck was on my side. Of course, it was not, but, you know, alcohol makes you think it is. Needless to say, I ended up losing over $300 that night. So, kids, don't drink and gamble because you will lose. A lot. Probably. Just don't do it."
http://tvtropes.org/pmwiki/pmwiki.php/Quotes/AlcoholInducedIdiocy