Funny / The Witcher 2: Assassins of Kings

  • The nosy Temerian soldier who interrupts Geralt's and Triss' morning proclivities and who takes his sweet time vacating their tent while ogling the Sorceress.
    Geralt: Stupid war. It could have been such a beautiful morning.
  • While besieging La Valette Castle in the prologue, go ahead and cast the Aard sign on one of the defenders near the edge of the parapet... Go on.
    • The same goes for defending Vergen on the Iorveth path.
  • The fantastic inversion of Geralt's ultimatum from the launch trailer.
    Vernon Roche: What would you do if you escaped?
    Geralt of Rivia: I'd go have a beer.
  • Once Roche and Iorveth first meet in the forests near Flotsam, Iorveth greets Roche with a long-winded, scornful speech in which he lists several of Roche's accomplishments, titles and says how he has spent the past few years setting up traps and devising plans as he eagerly awaited for the day when the Special Forces Commander would wander into his forest. Unimpressed, Roche bluntly responds with —
    Vernon: Iorveth, a regular son of a whore!
    • Extra poignancy is revealed later when you learn that "son of a whore" has a particularly stinging personal edge for Roche. He was actually giving Iorveth an insult he considers the worst when used against himself.
  • The aftermath of the drinking in the 'Hungover' quest.
    • Especially if you ask Triss for help - when Geralt says she can stop laughing about it, she gasps between bouts of laughter: "No, I really can't!"
  • Triss gets another one when Geralt is showing her a good time in the hidden hot spring baths and her Immodest Orgasm is mistaken by a Dwarven Squirrel above ground as the ghost of an elven beauty, Cymoril! Which ties in to a similar event that Geralt could enjoy in the outskirts in the first game with the barely legal Vesna Hood.
    • And just before that, Triss magics her clothes off, leaving Geralt to awkwardly hop around on one foot trying to pull off his boot.
  • What about the party with the Blue Stripes themselves?
    Ves: Geralt, do something!
    Geralt: (sighs) I'll try. Vernon. Leave them alone, they're not worth it.
    • "Here's to peat! tart and nutritious!"
    • "Remember when I rode my horse into a tree?"
  • While in Vergen (on Iorveth's path), you have to play dice against a dwarf to win a quest-related item. After winning twice (gaining a sword and the quest-item), we get this exchange when Geralt asks how Skalen even came across those items to begin with.
    Skalen: I played dice and won 'em. Now I played and lost. But that's it - I'll play you no more.
    Geralt: Don't get mad.
    Skalen: (Obviously upset) I'm not. I'm just not fuckin' playin' you no more!
  • From the DLC, there's a quest at Vergen called 'A Sackful of Fluff', where a man named Elthon contracts Geralt to collect Harpy Feathers for a client. Then you see just what "his client" wanted the feathers for. The completely deadpan conversation afterward is just the icing on the comedy cake.
    • For bonus points, you get Elthon's Trophy from completing that quest. All of Geralt's cynical comments and philosophical insights become a little surreal when he's got the Trophy stuck on his nose.
  • A combined Funny and Awesome moment - when meeting with the Scoi'atel with Zoltan, Geralt demonstrates his prowess by mentioning that there are four elves hiding in a tree, and one of them is either on Fisstech or has a cold.
    Elf: How...?
  • In Chapter II of Roche's path, if you opt to get information out of the Visionary by 'converting' to his religion. To do so, you have to imbibe a potion of his own make in front of a shrine and have a special vision. Said vision involves giant phallic 'mushrooms' appearing in the forest, alongside an enormous chicken. Made all the more side-splitting in that reporting this back to the Visionary is exactly what he wanted to hear!
  • One in the beginning of chapter II (Iorveth's path) and related to the main plot, the sorceress Phillipa needs an artifact with an ungodly amount of power. She suggested one of the legendary Twenty Rings of Power, leading to Iorveth snidely quoting from the famous ring verse "one ring to bring them all and in the darkness bind them." Then Geralt envisions himself running barefoot up a volcano.
  • Another one in Vergen, when Geralt chats to a sprightly young vendor in the market place:
    Spark: Uh, so what does a Witcher do, anyway?
    Geralt: We solve problems.
    Spark: Oh? I have a problem with my boyfriend...
    Geralt: Did you find his entrails sprawled on the porch and his head a few paces away? Because those are the types of problem we solve.
    • Another one from Vergen, when Philippa gives Saskia the antidote to the poison, finishing with a kiss through a Rose of Remembrance petal, we hear the town Elder, Cecil, say "Now that's my favorite kind of magic - lesbomancy!"
    • On a repeated play-through, that dwarf isn't Cecil or even his nephew Skalen but some random passer-by who came in to watch the show!
  • As Roche starts his interrogation of shackled Geralt, he offers his hand to shake. The "very funny" dialogue option leads to...
    Geralt: Fuck you.
  • And this gem from the same scene immediately after.
    Geralt of Rivia: Same side of the barricade then, opposite sides of the table now.
    Vernon: You can change that.
    • The interrogation gets even funnier if you prove to be uncooperative.
    Geralt: What do you want from me, Roche? I already told you it wasn't me. On top of that, I don't know who's behind it, and frankly, I don't really give a damn. Could've been anyone as I see it. King Demavend, even.
    Roche: Demavend is dead.
    Geralt: ... Is that true?
    Roche: He was murdered.
    Geralt: Uh-huh. I did that too.
    Roche: You were in Vizima at the time. I checked.
    Geralt: My doppelganger was in Vizima. I have three of them.
    • Geralt's exchanges with Roche seem to contain plenty of amusing snarky repartee, no matter the situation. From the prologue:
    (Geralt and company are being harassed by a giant dragon)
    Roche: Is it true you Witchers don't hunt dragons?
    Geralt: Mhm.
    Roche: This one doesn't seem to know that.
    Geralt: You want me to go over and tell him?
  • Upon reaching Flotsam, go talk to Triss in the tavern. Asking her how she's been yields a Deadpan Snarker list of what it's been like stuck on the ship with the rest of the all-male crew.
    Triss: I can burp the Nilfgaardian emperor's title without reaching for beer and I've discovered that Shorty's name has nothing to do with his manhood.
  • When Philippa Eilhart mentions that the customary title for her apprentice Cynthia is "Leashed Sorceress", Geralt gives a hilariously deadpan response: "do you also use a muzzle?" Philippa gets offended and explains the completely innocuous background behind the term. Later, you end up walking in on the two of them in the middle of a BDSM spanking session.
  • Another one involving Philippa. When you take control of Triss in a shot flashback segment where she's conversing with Phil via megascope, you can have Triss say she wants to clear Geralt's name of regicide before she heads out on Philippa's assignment for her for the Lodge. Philippa responds thus:
    Triss, stop thinking with your vagina and get a hold of yourself.
  • Any conversations had with trolls have their moments:
    Troll: Wan' soup? Elf and onion! Gooood.
    Geralt: ... I don't really like onions.
    • Later in that same conversation, you get this gem while trying to track Triss and Letho down:
    Geralt: Was the man bald? Did he have a scar?
    Geralt: *Glowers*
  • Roche gets a small one that doubles as a Crowning Moment of Awesome near the end of Chapter II on his path. As he and Geralt charge through Vergen, killing every Kaedweni soldier in sight, he runs across a bridge... which falls out under him. Roche curses as he tumbles, rolls as he hits the ground, and without missing a beat, takes a Kaedweni soldier down with a tripartite set of punches and kicks as he gets up.
  • Upon first arriving in Vergen with Iorveth and meeting Yarpen Zigrin, the conversation includes this:
    Yarpen: Well, Saskia went with prince Penis... uh, rather... Stennis to negotiate with Henselt.
  • After succeeding in locating a succubus' lair, who has allegedly been killing the men of Vergen, Dandelion faces a dilemma:
    Dandelion: I should probably go get Geralt to take care of things. (Beat) On the other hand, I've never ploughed a succubus before...
    Geralt: (moments later, truly astonished) Fucking idiot actually went in!
    • If you decide to walk back to fetch Geralt instead:
    Dandelion: (mournfully) I feel like a pimp.
    Dandelion: Are you crazy? Do you want to see a hoofed hag ride me to death? (Beat) On the other hand, we all have to die of something.
  • "Bow low elf. You stand before a head crowned." *Camera pan down to Demavend's severed head on a stump*
  • There's a sidequest in the Enhanced edition during the third chapter which requires you to go to a secret laboratory of the great mage Dearhenna. This involves solving complicated riddles and fighting your way through monsters. After completing these challenges, only one last obstacle remains, and that is a very intelligent and eloquent golem. You can fight him the straightforward way, or engage in a conversation and trick it. Doing it right will make that golem explode from Logic Bomb overload. Doing it wrong however will lead to a hilariously unexpected line:
    Geralt: Know that friends can also deceive. I am your master and I've been testing you.
    Golem: Bullshit. STOP THE INTRUDERS!
  • On the meta side of things: Kotaku presents "A Gripping, Lusty Excerpt From My Witcher 2 Novel".
    Shall I regale you with the tale of this magnificent battle? For verily, it was magnificent. In a flash, Geralt accidentally drew his silver sword, then hastily put it back in its scabbard. The brigand hit Geralt in the back, and Geralt stumbled forward. [...]
    Two of the bounty hunter’s men came at him from the left, so he rolled to the right. He rolled to the right again, and then rolled to the left.
    “Ploughing whoreson!” shouted the brigand.
    Geralt rolled one more time, this time to the right, down the alley. He paused and cast the Quen sign upon himself, surrounding his armor with a glowing, magical shield. He then rolled back toward his foes, accidentally rolling straight into a swinging sword. In the blink of an eye, he rolled away from them again, then rolled twice more. He rolled into a merchant’s cart, then rolled away from it. Then he stood up and cast another Quen sign upon himself.