- Most of Geralt's Deadpan Snarker moments.
Emperor Emhyr: (if you choose to bow to him) I thought you bowed to no man.
Geralt: Didn't want to disappoint the chamberlain. We're friends.
- The vampire scene from the game-play trailer where Geralt and a priest find a higher vampire in a sarcophagus:
Is it 1358 yet? (a beat as Geralt and the priest look at him in confusion) Geralt:
Then fuck off
- Anytime Geralt and Dijkstra engage in Snark-to-Snark Combat.
- During the prologue, when racing twelve year old Ciri down Kaer Morhen, Geralt will critique her breath-control while running, telling her to breath in place of her steps. She responds by breathing loud enough to hear, leading an annoyed Geralt to tell her to cut it out.
- One of the main quest involves searching for a doppler named Dudu. Geralt and Priscilla has a plan to show himself to them, and that is to create a play involving a doppler. And Geralt has to play as a witcher in it. You can pick the theme as a drama or a comedy. Not much different in both cases besides the crowd's reaction, but Geralt's performance in both is... well... see for yourself.
- The opening sequence involves Geralt helping train Ciri when she was younger at Kaer Morhen. She ran off to train by herself after Vesemir fell asleep teaching her about monsters from an admittedly boring but detailed book. You can accept her apology or punish her. The punishment includes reading the entire book, appendices and all. She'd rather clean out the stables!
- Accepting her apology has Geralt tell her Vesemir's fake ultimatum: if she slips away from studying again, she'll be forced to eat a bowl of salted slugs. Ciri has a hilarious look of faux disgust on her face as she knows her foster-father is just pulling her leg.
Ciri: Ha ha ha! Eeewwwww!
- Before that, when Geralt reprimands her, saying: "think drowners or strigas will go easy on you because you haven't undergone the mutations?" And Ciri puts her hands on her hips and nods smugly.
- The painting of Ciri that Emhyr has in his office. Likely unintentional, given the circumstances, but it's undeniably funny. Ever seen a photo of a child that was forced to get dressed up for family photo day? It's quite similar to that: a six or seven year-old Ciri in a pink Pimped-Out Dress, just giving the painter a Death Glare over the fact that she's had to stand there for hours in a dress she clearly hates.
- The troll quest near Oxenfurt is like straight out of the Discworld novels. You run into a troll singing Northern military songs, and when questioned, you find out that he was drafted to the Redenian army. The soldiers told him to protect boats they had taken from peasants, but when the peasants came back for them, his attempts to gently nudge them and soldiers apart ended up killing every single one. He then got hungry and made some soup out of the corpses, and decided that since he's the only one around, he must now be the commanding officer. He then made fences out of the boats to keep the whole mess from happening again and wants Geralt to bring him paint to put the Redanian crest on them to make it official. If you do, he asks Geralt to paint it, and Geralt being no artist, the crest ends up looking like a cartoonish child's drawing. The troll's sincere enthusiasm and Geralt's deadpan delivery just make the whole thing a barrel of laughs.
- A similar Troll-related quest happens on Undvik (in Skellige) - Geralt can challenge a pair of trolls to a riddle contest for a captive they're holding. Said captive is kept trapped in a pot of boiling water for the duration, so he's less than pleased by Geralt's solution.
- Afterward, he's literally steaming for the first part of his and Geralt's conversation, and declares he'll never go in the sauna for the rest of his life.
- When Geralt has to get Uma to Kaer Morhen, the little fella looks like he's having a ball riding in front of Geralt atop Roche. It's pretty hard not to crack into a grin at the silly picture it presents.
- Or when Geralt is forced to bring the diminutive 'monstrosity' into Emhyr's presence!
- The Snark-to-Snark Combat that Geralt engages in with his blood-brother and fellow witcher, Eskel after meeting him again since the beginning of the series.
- There is something inherently comical about Geralt standing by and nonchalantly eating an apple while Eskel autopsies the corpse of a vampire.
- Geralt and Lambert have to run an errant for Yennefer which has them use a boat at one point. Because Lambert insists on steering Geralt gets bored.
Geralt: This mist is as thick as curdled milk.
Lambert: Never took you for a poet.
Geralt: Oh, but I am. Wanna hear a limerick?
Geralt: Lambert, Lambert - what a prick.
Lambert: Not bad.
Geralt: Dunno who you're trying to impress. Tough-guy stuff's just not working for me.
Lambert: Heh, look who's talking. Vesemir told me about that job you did for those Nilfgaardians in Velen. What... what are you doing?!,"Killing monsters." Ha ha, good one!
Geralt: (somewhat embarrassed) Just came out that way...
- When you return to Kaer Morhen just before the final act of the game, it's entirely possible to spite Yennefer's advice to go to bed early and get utterly and completely sloshed. Lambert and Eskel are glad to assist. It can include, based on player choices, impersonating their mentor Vesemir, drunkenly happy "You're an ass, but I really love you, brother" proclamations and a game of "I've never..."
- After said declaration of love - Geralt and Lambert are teary drunks by the way - they break a bottle, realize Eskel isn't back yet and decide to go look for him. With Witcher Senses:
Geralt: Spilled some wine, crawled through it too.
Lambert: You had to kneel down to see that?
Geralt: (matter-of-factly) If I had bent over I'd have puked!
- After getting the brilliant idea to "invite girls who aren't Yennefer," Geralt, Lambert and Eskel decided to dress up in Yennefer's clothes and start drunk-dialing on her megascope.
Eskel: Fuck yeah! Summon the bitches!
Lambert: Sure brought a lot of junk? You'd think she wanna move in here.
Eskel: Ssh! You'll scare Geralt!
- The incantation Geralt drunkenly mumbles to activate the megascope, which turns out to be the number to dial if you want to contact the Hierarch of the Eternal Fire's private toilet:
Geralt: Caed'mill, bloedhe dh'oine, hocus pocus, abracadabra, Arse Blathana.
- They can play a round of cards, with Geralt joking that they'd play for coin, unless Lambert wanted a round of "strip Gwent", resulting in this line.
- A hunt for a vampire also leads to drunken escapades, as said vampire prefers feeding on those with a high BAC, forcing Geralt to get drunk off his ass to lure it out. The bartender wisely has him pay in advance, and watching The Comically Serious stumble about Oxenfurt while singing a Drunken Song or two is hilarious.
Geralt: (slurred) Once was a maid from Vicovaro, tight at night, she'd be loose come 'morrow, early in the morning. Another maid from Vicovaro, ploughed with pleasure and drank with sorrow, till early in the morning.
Geralt: (suddenly sounding sober) Katakan didn't hear it. I'll try another verse.
Geralt: (slurred again) Our third maid was not demanding, gave it up to any man standing, early in the morning.
Geralt: (sounding like a kid, after someone complains about him) All right, all right, sheesh...
- If Geralt attempts to romance both Yennefer and Triss, they give him some well-deserved payback by inviting him for a threesome, only to walk out on him once he's cuffed to the bed. To add insult to injury, Dandelion is the one who comes to the rescue.
- During the flashback to Ciri's time with the Baron and his men, if she shares that she's a Witcher (or sort of one, at least), the one that asked immediately inquires if she knows of a potion that can help with a pinched behind. Judging by the reaction of his comrades, it's not the first time he's asked this.
- When talking to some children about where Ciri is, they'll only help once Geralt plays hide-and-seek with them - being The Comically Serious, his counting to twenty is definitely this.
- The entire quest to find Dandelion in Novigrad. It brings new justification to Dandelion's status as a ladies man. First, you find out Dandelion inherited a brothel from one of his paramours. Then you are forced to find him by tracking down his ex-lovers to ask. Zoltan and you have to split up two pages of names. What follows is a visitation to a washer woman, maid to a Baroness, a schoolteacher, the Nilfgaardian ambassador's twin daughters, and his crossdressing elven tailor. With rare exception, they all want him back despite knowing of each other. They also point you to yet another lover in the bard Priscilla.
- The cross dressing tailor, when he comes out in full make-up and dress, will be the only time you ever will see Geralt gape like a fish.
- When hunting down Dandelion in Novigrad, Geralt can ask about Marabella, a former apprentice listed in Dandelion's Little Black Book, yielding this gem.
- When talking to Vespula (another name on the list), she mentions that Dandelion claims Geralt and Zoltan were the corruptive influences on him.
- The lies keep coming when you visit Molly, to whom Dandelion had bragged about his various daring rescues of Geralt over the years.
- In a bit of Black Comedy, Geralt learns from Elihal - Dandelion's cross-dressing elven tailor - that Kalkstein, the alchemist from the first game was burned at the stake, but managed to get the last laugh. He had magical flares hidden in his clothes and as he was burned they spelled to the sky: "Radovid sucks flaccid cock".
- One side-quest has Geralt encounter a fat Sylvan (basically a Satyr) who has convinced the local villagers he's a god. They give excessive sacrifices of food to placate him. Geralt can kill him, convince him to tone down the demands (since the villagers are starving due to the war), or show them the man behind the curtain.
- Pretty much anytime Geralt encounters any oddity or behavior considered strange by general population, he keeps his calm and isn't surprised in the slightest. Then again, the man is nearly a hundred years old. He's seen quite a few things.
Baron: ... they say he's ploughing his goat.
Geralt: (completely unfazed) I'm not interested in his hobbies, I just want to ask him some questions.
- And upon meeting the soothsayer, the man refuses to give Geralt any help while his goat is lostnote , leading to this line.
- While leading Princess - the goat - back to the Pellar Geralt suddenly starts talking to the thing.
Geralt: You have a quality every good Roach should have: you don't talk much.
- One of the odd jobs Geralt takes in Novigrad leads him to settle a debt. However, the merchant who owes the money claims he'll pay "when palm trees sprout on Skellige."note Solution? Using Axii and saying "Palm trees have already sprouted on Skellige." It works.
- The side-quest "Of Dairy and Darkness", while a bit depressing because the mage was killed as part of the Witch Hunt going on in Redania, revolves around a Tyromancer - a mage that uses cheese to see the future.
- Made even funnier by a background conversation in Novigrad - he'd meant to sign up for necromancy at the college, but wound up picking Tyromancy instead.
- Another bit of humor in the quest, the mage's lair has several pockets of fetid air that Geralt must run through to complete the quest. The source of this foul air? The mage's cheese, which are so putrid they will bring Geralt to his ever loving knees if he stays in them too long.
- In Novigrad, Geralt can take a contract to hunt down a doppler for a local merchant. When Geralt corners the doppler, it takes on his appearance before fighting. Geralt's response?
Geralt: Damn, I look old.
- When Triss suggests putting her in shackles to infiltrate a heavily-guarded outpost, Geralt can can interpret it differently.
- While at a Masquerade Ball with Triss, Geralt is sighted by a pair of female guests... who mistake him for a stripper.
- At the party, you find out that the hostess' husband was devoured by an Arachas - not while traveling, but because he'd tried his hand at breeding them.
- There's a couple guys playing in the fountain.
Fountain Guest: Aahahaaaa! I'm a kraken! Urrraaah!
Female Guest: My, is he ever sotted...
Fountain Guest 2: Stop whining and bring us shrimp and a trumpet!
- Geralt can do Dandelion a favor and dress up as a bandit to make Dandy look good in front of his ex-girlfriend that he is trying to get a loan from. Hilarity Ensues.
Sophronia: Wha...? What is this? Help! Save me!
Geralt: (reciting from Dandelion's cue cards)
Tremble... Flaxen-haired wench?!
Um... Bow before the prince of thieves!
Dandelion: Not so fast! (wearing a garish party mask) Drop your sword, scoundrel! This is your first and last warning.
(Geralt face-palms magnificently as Sophronia turns away from him to see her "rescuer")
Dandelion: Tis I. Though the scum of the city call me the Crimson Avenger!
- Geralt can also completely ignore the cards and say what comes to mind which won't even faze Dandy, (unless you don't throw the fight).
Silence criminal scum!
You'll regret the day you were born!
- To say Geralt and Yennefer have a volatile relationship at times is putting it mildly, especially if you deliberately try to get on her bad side. Annoy her enough when you meet her at Kaer Morhen, and she will give Geralt another reason to hate portals, by dropping him in the lake half a mile away.
- Upon arriving at Kaer Morhen, you find out Yennefer, among other things, threw a bed out of the window. Vesemir and Geralt are both confused at first, mulling over that the bed was perfectly fine and that Triss actually liked— ... oh.
- The culmination of Geralt's romance with Triss has the pair having sex near a lighthouse fire as they watch the ship filled with aided mages sail away - said mages believe they're sending them a signal in Morse Code. Naturally, the "message" makes no sense.
Mage: H... hlakbr?! It makes no sense!
Another mage: It's code. What did you expect?
- Skellige, a group of islands with Proud Warrior Race Guy as their hat, obviously has fist-fighting, but the last two take the cake. Olaf turns out to be a literal bear, while the Champion of Champions is an "Errant Rock-Troll", and Geralt has to take down both with only his fists.
- Near the end, Geralt and Ciri can vent some steam by trashing Avallac'h's laboratory. Yennefer just stands bemused at their antics, but as they leave the camera pans up, showing that she drew moustache and beard on Avallac'h's portrait.
- Madman Lugos' explanation for his nickname is to scream like a madman, followed by "That's why".
- Geralt attempting to speak Troll language.
Geralt: Let me try again... Wham-a-wham mans again, I'll swish-a-swash-a-swunk you.
- The drunk Kaedweni soldier Odrin from the second game is mentioned in at least one notice in every area.
- He's a wanted man in Nilfgaard controlled areas because he deserted after being enlisted in the army for two days. In that time, he ate and drank for an entire regiment before escaping out the latrine drainage system.
- The patch notes for Patch 1.0.5 includes the entry "Deploys the Bovine Defense Force Initiative" as a response to the players who farmed cow hides in order to make lots of money. What is said defense force? A fucking level 27 chort that instantly respawns on death. Upon discovering this, several players who were far past killing cows to make money returned and started killing them in order to fight an infinite number of Chorts for their drops, or just because they could.
- The sidequest 'The Tower Outta Nowhere' involves a tower that has a self defense mechanism. The name of said mechanism? Defensive Regulatory Magicon, complete with a computer esque voice spouting computer lingos! To bypass it, you have to use a book called Gottfried's Omni-opening Grimoire......... wow. How subtle.
- While searching for the book, the tower's self defense mechanism will try and halt your progress. One section has you being attacked by an onslaught of alghouls. Then a gargoyle, a werewolf, and for some reason, a cow.
- And in the end, after rescuing a trapped mage and stopping the, ahem, DRM, the mage kindly teleport you out of the tower. Into the sea. Luckily it's nearby a harbor so you don't have to swim long.