- Most of Geralt's Deadpan Snarker moments.
Emperor Emhyr: (if you choose to bow to him) I thought you bowed to no man.
Geralt: Didn't want to disappoint the chamberlain. We're friends.
- The scene from the game-play trailer where Geralt and a scholar find a higher vampire in a sarcophagus:
Is it 1358 yet? (a beat as Geralt and the scholar stare at him in confusion) Geralt:
Then fuck off
- Anytime Geralt and Dijkstra engage in Snark-to-Snark Combat. For instance, when Geralt asks why Dijksta's trying to set him up with Triss, Dijkstra asks in turn whether Geralt would believe it's "because I want what's best for you in life." All Geralt says is, "No."
- During the prologue, when racing twelve year old Ciri down Kaer Morhen, Geralt will critique her breath-control while running, telling her to breath in place of her steps. She responds by breathing loud enough to hear, leading an annoyed Geralt to tell her to cut it out.
- One of the main quest involves searching for a doppler named Dudu. Geralt and Priscilla have a plan to convince him to come out of hiding, and that is to create a play involving a doppler. And Geralt has to play as a witcher in it. (Specifically, he has to play himself.) You can choose whether it's a drama or a comedy. Not much different in either case besides the crowd's reaction, but Geralt's performance in both is... well... see for yourself.
- The best part is that he actually seems to like it a little bit. Guy does have a theatrical streak.
- Also, the lady who runs the troupe tells him his role in the play, which is a hilariously blunt Leaning on the Fourth Wall summary of what Geralt does 90% of the time anyway: turn up, look threatening, glare at everything and say curt stuff in a growly voice.
- The opening sequence involves Geralt helping train Ciri when she was younger at Kaer Morhen. She ran off to train by herself after Vesemir fell asleep teaching her about monsters from a highly detailed but dryly-written textbook. You can accept her apology or punish her. The punishment includes reading the entire book, appendices and all. She'd rather clean out the stables!
- Accepting her apology has Geralt tell her Vesemir's fake ultimatum: if she slips away from studying again, she'll be forced to eat a bowl of salted slugs. Ciri has a hilarious look of faux disgust on her face as she knows her foster-father is just pulling her leg.
Ciri: Ha ha ha! Eeewwwww!
- Before that, when Geralt reprimands her, saying: "think drowners or strigas will go easy on you because you haven't undergone the mutations?" And Ciri puts her hands on her hips and nods smugly.
- The painting of Ciri that Emhyr has in his office. You might not laugh, given the circumstances, but it's undeniably funny. Ever seen a photo of a child forced to get dressed up for family photo day? Imagine that expression on a six or seven year-old Ciri in the puffiest, fluffiest, frilly white dress with pink bows, giving the painter a Death Glare over the fact that she's had to stand there for hours.
- A particular armorer talks at some length on how his craft is Just Like Making Love, to the point where Geralt, in a tone of near-genuine concern, says, "Is this still about armor?"
- The troll quest near Oxenfurt is like straight out of the Discworld novels. You run into a troll singing Northern military songs, and when questioned, you find out that he was drafted into the Redenian army. The soldiers told him to protect boats they had taken from peasants, but when the peasants came back for them, his attempts to gently nudge them and soldiers apart ended up killing every single one. He then got hungry and made some soup out of the corpses, and decided that since he's the only one around, he must now be the commanding officer. He then made fences out of the boats to keep the whole mess from happening again and wants Geralt to bring him paint to put the Redanian crest on them to make it official. If you do, he asks Geralt to paint it, and Geralt being no artist, the crest ends up looking like a cartoonish child's drawing. The troll's sincere enthusiasm and Geralt's deadpan delivery just make the whole thing a barrel of laughs.
- If Geralt convinces Trollololo to paint the crest instead, he actually does a good job - though he considers it "ooguly" and thanks Geralt for humoring him.
- Even better, since those songs are original songs of Polish Army.
- Similarly, Fergus and Joanna's breastplates for a Nilfgaardian stand in stark contrast to each other. Joanna's is ornate and tough-looking while Fergus, having had Feet of Clay with Joanna as his "assistant", proudly presents a bog-standard design with a crudely-painted yellow sun in the middle of it.
- A similar Troll-related quest happens on Undvik (in Skellige) - Geralt can challenge a pair of trolls to a riddle contest for a captive they're holding. Said captive is kept trapped in a pot of boiling water for the duration, so he's less than pleased by Geralt's solution.
- Afterward, he's literally steaming for the first part of his and Geralt's conversation, and declares he'll never go in the sauna for the rest of his life.
- Continuing with trolls, after thieves blast their way into Dijkstra's ultra-secure vault, Geralt has to interview Bart, the troll guard, who was a witness. The troll gives a description of what he was doing before, then:
Geralt: Boom? Can you elaborate?
- Asking Vimmi Vivaldi if he plays Gwent sets him off on a short rant about how it's racist to assume he plays just because he's a Dwarf.
Geralt: So, you play or not?
Vivaldi: ...Aye, I play.
- Entering a shop in Novigrad will let you hearthe following:
Man: I want the most expensive thing you have. It's for my wife.
Shopkeeper: Oh, and for what occasion if I may? A birthday?
Man: That's the thing, it was yesterday.
- When Geralt has to get Uma to Kaer Morhen, the little fella looks like he's having a ball riding in front of Geralt atop Roach. It's pretty hard not to crack into a grin at the silly picture it presents. Or at Geralt trying to hoist Uma into the saddle as Uma gets distracted by a nearby rat.
- Or when Geralt is forced to bring the diminutive monstrosity into Emhyr's presence.
- When Geralt is heading up to meet Yennefer by the megascope in Kaer Morhen:
(there is a loud thump and an explosion of light) Yennefer:
, you piece of shit
! Geralt: Uh oh...
- To assist Yennefer in fixing her megascope, Geralt gets a magical device and told to "grasp it firmly and move it around, and the louder it squeals, the closer you are." Geralt's expression is worth any punchline you can think of.
- The Snark-to-Snark Combat that Geralt engages in with his blood-brother and fellow witcher, Eskel, after meeting him again since the beginning of the series.
- There is something inherently comical about Geralt standing by and nonchalantly eating an apple while Eskel autopsies the corpse of a vampire.
- Geralt and Lambert have to run an errand for Yennefer which requires the use of a boat at one point. Because Lambert insists on steering, Geralt gets bored.
Geralt: This mist is as thick as curdled milk.
Lambert: Never took you for a poet.
Geralt: Oh, but I am one. Wanna hear a limerick?
Geralt: Lambert, Lambert - what a prick.
Lambert: Not bad.
Geralt: Dunno who you're trying to impress. Tough-guy stuff's just not working for me.
Lambert: Heh, look who's talking. Vesemir told me about that job you did for those Nilfgaardians in Velen. "What... what are you doing?!" "Killing monsters." Ha ha, good one!
Geralt: (somewhat embarrassed) Just came out that way...
- When you return to Kaer Morhen just before the final act of the game, it's entirely possible to ignore Yennefer's advice to go to bed early and get utterly and completely sloshed. Lambert and Eskel are glad to assist. It can include, based on player choices, impersonating their mentor Vesemir, drunkenly happy "You're an ass, but I really love you, brother" proclamations and a game of "I've never..."
- After said declaration of love (Geralt and Lambert are teary drunks, by the way) they break a bottle, realize Eskel isn't back yet and decide to go look for him. With Witcher Senses. They find him asleep on the ground in the courtyard.
Geralt: Spilled some wine, crawled through it too.
Lambert: You had to kneel down to see that?
Geralt: (matter-of-factly) If I had bent over I'd have puked!
Three of us together, always ends with this... Lambert
Let's find a fourth! Better! A woman! Geralt:
None here but Yen... And we don't want to wake her up. Believe me. Lambert:
What about that sorceress you talked to? Think about it. We turn on the megascope, cordially invite her... she teleports here... maybe brings some friends! How's that sound? Geralt:
Lambert... You're a genius! Lambert:
'Course I am! So? We inviting the lodge to our bash? Eskel:
Fuck yeah! Summon the bitches! (later) Lambert:
Sure brought a lot of junk? You'd think she wanna move in here. Eskel:
Ssh! You'll scare Geralt!
- The incantation Geralt drunkenly mumbles to activate the megascope, which turns out to be the number to dial if you want to contact the Hierarch of the Eternal Fire's private toilet:
Geralt: Caed'mill, bloedhe dh'oine, hocus pocus, abracadabra, Arse Blathana.
- When the incantation goes through, the Hierarch looks at them in confusion, before screaming for the guards, as he thinks the trio of drunken, cross-dressing witchers means that the Lodge of Sorceresses is actually coming after him!
- They can play a round of cards, with Geralt joking that they'd play for coin, unless Lambert wanted a round of "strip Gwent", resulting in this line.
- Eskel acquits himself in the battle at Kaer Morhen. It's really badass. It is so badass you may or may not become aware that he spends the entire battle accompanied, for some reason, by his pet goat.
- A hunt for a vampire also leads to drunken escapades, as said vampire prefers feeding on those with a high BAC, forcing Geralt to get drunk off his ass to lure it out. The bartender wisely has him pay in advance, and watching The Comically Serious stumble about Oxenfurt while singing a Drunken Song or two is hilarious.
Geralt: (slurred) Once was a maid from Vicovaro, tight at night, she'd be loose come 'morrow, early in the morning. Another maid from Vicovaro, ploughed with pleasure and drank with sorrow, till early in the morning.note
Geralt: (suddenly sounding sober) Katakan didn't hear it. I'll try another verse.
Geralt: (slurred again) Our third maid was not demanding, gave it up to any man standing, early in the morning.
Geralt: (sounding like a kid, after someone complains about him) All right, all right, sheesh...
- If Geralt attempts to romance both Yennefer and Triss, they give him some well-deserved payback by inviting him for a threesome, only to walk out on him once he's cuffed to the bed. To add insult to injury, Dandelion is the one who comes to the rescue.
- During the flashback to Ciri's time with the Baron and his men, if she shares that she's a witcher (or sort of one, at least), the one that asked immediately inquires if she knows of a potion that can help with a pinched behind. Judging by the reaction of his comrades, it's not the first time he's asked.
- Though the circumstances are ominous as hell, some children asked about Ciri will only help once Geralt plays hide-and-seek with them. The Comically Serious counting to twenty...
- The entire quest to find Dandelion in Novigrad. It brings new justification to Dandelion's status as a ladies' man. First, you find out Dandelion inherited a brothel. Then you are forced to find him by tracking down his ex-lovers to ask. Zoltan and you have to split up two pages of names. What follows is a visitation to a washer woman, maid to a Baroness, a schoolteacher, the Nilfgaardian ambassador's twin daughters, and his crossdressing elven tailor. With few exceptions, they all want him back, despite knowing his ways, and they point you to yet another lover in the bard Priscilla.
- The cross dressing tailor, when he comes out in full make-up and dress, will mark the only time you will ever see Geralt gape like a fish.
- When hunting down Dandelion in Novigrad, Geralt can ask about Marabella, a former apprentice listed in Dandelion's little black book, yielding this gem.
- When talking to Vespula (another name on the list), she mentions that Dandelion claims Geralt and Zoltan were the corrupting influences on him.note
- The lies keep coming when you visit Molly, to whom Dandelion had bragged about his various daring rescues of Geralt over the years.
- In a bit of Black Comedy, Geralt learns from Elihal - Dandelion's cross-dressing elven tailor - that Kalkstein, the alchemist from the first game was burned at the stake, but managed to get the last laugh. He had magical flares hidden in his clothes and as he was burned they spelled to the sky: "Radovid sucks flaccid cock".
- One side-quest has Geralt encounter a fat Sylvan (basically a Satyr) who has convinced the local villagers he's a god. They give excessive sacrifices of food to placate him, and as a result the "Allgod" has a corporeal form that is also, as Geralt notes, corpulent.
- In the side quest "Eye for an Eye", Roche enlists Gerald's help in tracking down Ves, who's about impulsively ambush a squad of Nilfgaardians. When they get to her, Roche's What the Hell, Hero? moment turns into the equivalent of a father calling out his rebellious child.
- Pretty much anytime Geralt encounters any oddity or behavior considered strange by general population, he keeps his calm and isn't surprised in the slightest. Then again, the man is nearly a hundred years old. He's seen quite a few things.
Baron: ...They say he's ploughing his goat.
Geralt: (completely unfazed) I'm not interested in his hobbies. I just want to ask him some questions.
- And upon meeting the soothsayer, the man refuses to give Geralt any help while his goat is lost,note leading to this line.
- While leading Princess the goat back to the Pellar, Geralt suddenly starts talking to the thing.
Geralt: You're no Roach, but in time you and I could become friends. You have a quality every good Roach should have: you don't talk much.
- The goat gets distracted by patches of wild berries, meaning Geralt has to ring the most adorable tinkly bell to get its attention again. And then there's the other obstacle it faces...
Geralt: (as panicked as you'll ever hear him) Bear! Bear! Run, you stupid piece of shit!
- One of the odd jobs Geralt takes in Novigrad leads him to settle a debt. However, the merchant who owes the money claims he'll pay "when palm trees sprout on Skellige."note Solution? Using Axii and saying "Palm trees have already sprouted on Skellige." It works.
- The side-quest "Of Dairy and Darkness", while a bit depressing because the mage was killed as part of the Witch Hunt going on in Redania, revolves around a Tyromancer - a mage that uses cheese to see the future. (Incidentally, this is a pre-existing field of divination in the real world, though it's more folk wisdom than anything like, say, the Tarot.)
- Made even funnier by a background conversation in Novigrad - he'd meant to sign up for necromancy at the college, but wound up picking Tyromancy instead.
- Another bit of humor in the quest, the mage's lair has several pockets of fetid air that Geralt must run through to complete the quest. The source of this foul air? Certain cracked domes which contain the mage's cheeses, which are so putrid they will bring Geralt to his ever loving knees if he stays in them too long.
- The entire quest ends with Geralt finding a unique sword, declaring "I will name you... The Emmentaler". Cue inventory pop up presenting your new sword... The Emmentaler.
- In Novigrad, Geralt can take a contract to hunt down a doppler for a local merchant. When Geralt corners the doppler, it takes on his appearance before fighting. Geralt's response?
Geralt: Damn, I look old.
- When Triss suggests putting her in shackles to infiltrate a heavily-guarded outpost, Geralt can interpret it differently.
- While at a Masquerade Ball with Triss, Geralt is sighted by a pair of female guests... who mistake him for a stripper.
- At the party, you find out that the hostess' husband was devoured by an Arachas - not while traveling, but because he'd tried his hand at breeding them.
- There's a couple guys playing in the fountain.
Fountain Guest: Aahahaaaa! I'm a kraken! Urrraaah!
Female Guest: My, is he ever sotted...
Fountain Guest 2: Stop whining and bring us shrimp and a trumpet!
- Geralt can do Dandelion a favor and dress up as a bandit to make Dandy look good in front of his ex-girlfriend, from whom he's trying to get a loan. Hilarity Ensues.
Sophronia: Wha...? What is this? Help! Save me!
Geralt: (reciting from Dandelion's cue cards)
Tremble... flaxen-haired wench?
Um... bow before the prince of thieves!
Dandelion: Not so fast! (wearing a garish party mask) Drop your sword, scoundrel! This is your first and last warning.
(Geralt face-palms magnificently as Sophronia turns away from him to see her "rescuer")
Dandelion: 'Tis I. Though the scum of the city call me the Crimson Avenger!
- Geralt can also completely ignore the cards and say what comes to mind which won't even faze Dandy (unless you don't throw the fight).
Silence, criminal scum!
You'll regret the day you were born!
- Another exchange between the two later is hilarious. After Geralt finds him banging on a door where a couple are fighting:
Dandelion: Why do beautiful women always end up with such dicks?
Geralt: (giving him a sideways glance) I have no idea.
- To say Geralt and Yennefer have a volatile relationship at times is putting it mildly, especially if you deliberately try to get on her bad side. Annoy her enough when you meet her at Kaer Morhen, and she will give Geralt another reason to hate portals by dropping him in the lake half a mile away.
- Upon arriving at Kaer Morhen, you find out Yennefer, among other things, threw a bed out of the window. Vesemir and Geralt are both confused at first, mulling over that the bed was perfectly fine and that Triss actually liked— ... oh.
- Even later, if Triss was romanced, one of the first things out of her mouth is to ask if the bed is still there. Geralt breaks the bad news to her, and it doesn't even faze her as she says they'll just have to spread a few rugs on the floor...
- The culmination of Geralt's romance with Triss has the pair having sex near a lighthouse fire as they watch the ship filled with aided mages sail away - said mages believe they're sending them a signal in Morse Code. Naturally, the "message" makes no sense.
Mage: H... hlakbr?! It makes no sense!
- Skellige, a group of islands with Proud Warrior Race Guy as their hat, obviously has fist-fighting, but the last two take the cake. Olaf turns out to be a literal bear, while the Champion of Champions is an "Errant Rock-Troll", and Geralt has to take down both with only his fists.
- Near the end, Geralt and Ciri can vent some steam by trashing Avallac'h's laboratory. Yennefer just stands bemused at their antics, but as they leave the camera pans up, showing that she drew mustache and beard on Avallac'h's portrait.
- Madman Lugos' explanation for his nickname is to scream like a madman, followed by "That's why".
- Geralt attempting to speak Troll language.
Geralt: Let me try again... Wham-a-wham mans again, I'll swish-a-swash-a-swunk you.
- The drunk Kaedweni soldier Odrin from the second game is mentioned in at least one notice in every area.
- He's a wanted man in Nilfgaard controlled areas because he deserted after being enlisted in the army for two days. In that time, he ate and drank for an entire regiment before escaping out the latrine drainage system.
- The glorious bastard has on a global bar crawl lasting the entire game. Where's his spinoff already?
- The patch notes for Patch 1.0.5 includes the entry "Deploys the Bovine Defense Force Initiative" as a response to the players who farmed cow hides in order to make lots of money. What is said defense force? A fucking level 27 chort that instantly respawns on death. Upon discovering this, several players who were far past killing cows to make money returned and started killing them in order to fight an infinite number of Chorts for their drops, or just because they could.
- On the note of gold farming, they included a tax collector in the Hearts of Stone expansion. It has to be seen to be believed.
- Even better is that, if you're honest about your finances, he gives you a diploma of "Taxpayer in Good Standing".
- The sidequest 'The Tower Outta Nowhere' involves a tower that has a self defense mechanism. The name of said mechanism? Defensive Regulatory Magicon, complete with a computer-esque voice spouting computer lingo! To bypass it, you have to use a book called Gottfried's Omni-opening Grimoire... Subtle.
- While searching for the book, the tower's self defense mechanism will try and halt your progress. One section has you being attacked by an onslaught of alghouls. Then a gargoyle, a werewolf, and for some reason, a cow. It's not even an aggressive cow.
- And in the end, after rescuing a trapped mage and stopping the, ahem, DRM, the mage kindly teleports you out of the tower. Into the sea. Luckily it's near a harbor, so you don't have to swim far.
- A few random encounters have this immensely. Wandering around Novigrad's warehouses near the southern walls Geralt may come across something that makes his Chronic Hero Syndrome twitch uncontrollably. Stepping in to prevent a street walker being attacked by an angry thug, Geralt can accidentally ruin a sexual roleplay session between lovers. The highlight is the man dropping his vicious thug act to stare at his wife in confusion before asking if Geralt is part of the scenario.
- A note at the door of Oxenfurt university says the university has been closed and all the students conscripted into the Redenian army. The only exception are students of medicine, who have been drafted as field medics, and students of philosophy, because they aren't useful for anything.
- In the quest, "Witcher Wannabe", you have the option to cover for a man who was pretending to be a Witcher in a village and you just saved from a ghoul. One of the "cover" options you can select is stating that he is indeed a witcher, but that if a Witcher "needs a brother's help to kill a monster" he has to work for a year as a base laborer for the village ealdorman who had hired him for free. To add injury to the insult, then the following exchange takes place
Villager: Great! A witcher is surely strong enough to carry out the work of two men!
Geralt: Yeah. The work of two men... at the very least.
- When Ciri is having trouble with training her Elder Blood powers, Avallac'h passes her off to Geralt to see if he can get her head on right. Geralt tells her that there is an ancient ritual Vesemir taught him for releasing your worries. Then he throws a snowball at her, and they have an adorable fight in the snow.
- When Ciri needs to meet with the sorceresses, the better option is to tell her you trust her, and let her go in alone. Yennefer arrives, agrees with the decision... and promptly starts spying through the keyhole like a mother worried about her daughter's first date. She gives Geralt a running commentary, and when Ciri comes out she jumps back and utterly fails to look nonchalant.
Ciri: Were you... spying?
Geralt: (simultaneously) Yes.
- After getting the sunstone and when returning to Avallac'h, pause for a moment near the stern of the ship to hear a fun conversation with Margarita and Phillipa, with Fringilla looking on.
Margarita: I just realized... except for Ciri, you and me, Geralt has slept with every woman on this boat.
Phillipa: Don't worry. It's only a matter of time in your case.
- During the dragon contract on Skellige, you have to herd a sheep from the village to the dragon's nest in order to bait it out. Should the sheep manage to survive the fight with the dragon, Geralt tells it, completely deadpan:
Geralt: Go on, sheep. Go and frolic. You've earned it.
- Whoreson Junior's priceless reaction upon finding Geralt in his room.
Whoreson Junior: What the sandwich fuck is this? *Gets punched by Geralt*