Funny / The Shield

For the TV Series

• in the pilot episode when Dutch finds dog shit in his desk, he goes on a rant and wants everyone investigated, Vic trolls him hard and jokingly suggests everyone in the station should give a stool sample.
• Any reference to Shane looking like a redneck. A memorable early example is from "Two Days of Blood," where cock-fight runner Gabo offers to help the Strike Team go undercover in a cock-fight festival:
  Gabo: I get some of my best fighters from rednecks in Louisiana. *looks at Shane* He'll blend right in.
  Shane: Blow me, chicken man!
• "Dawg Days": a corpse is stolen, and the perpetrator calls the mother and tries to demand a ransom...
  Caller: (muffled) Bring the money to the cemetery at 10 o'clock sharp.
  Dottie: What?
  Caller: (more clearly) Bring the money to the cemetery at 10 o'clock sharp.
  Dottie: I can't understand you.
  Caller: (no longer disguising his voice) Bring the money to the cemetery at 10 o'clock sharp or Thurman's body will be chopped to pieces and you'll never see him again!
  Dottie: Henry! Is that you?!
  (Cue Henry getting arrested)
• "Cherrypoppers": The toilets overflow and flood the first floor of the Barn, causing everyone to have to walk through an inch of toilet water for the night.
  Plumber: We got a big problem with these pipes.
  (Cue a priceless "Oh, you think?" look on Aceveda's face)
  • Also this quote:
  Dutch: Vic!
  Vic: (In a German accent) Yes, Herr Wagenbach?
• The whole Season 1 subplot with Hooper, Fran, and Lamar Tilton, up until Lamar kills Hooper and Fran.
• "Dragonchasers": Shane enters the interrogation room and talks with stripper (and accused mugger) Tulips, who innocently asks if there's any way she can cut a deal. Shortly thereafter, Vic switches on the surveillance monitor...and finds Shane and Tulips having sex on the interrogation table.
• "Homewrecker": Aceveda finds a boy riding a stolen bicycle and takes it from him... only to later learn it's the wrong bicycle.
  Aceveda: I just stole a kid's bike.
  • Julian crowns it by returning the bike and telling the kid: "I'm sorry about the mix-up, all right? It's his first day on the job..."
• "Bottom Bitch": Claudette's reaction when she realizes she's looking at a photo of Dutch's penis.
• In "Mum," the Strike Team walks in on Diagur performing cunnilingus on his girlfriend Yolanda. Somewhat amusing. Several episodes later, in "What Power Is," the Strike Team walks in on Diagur performing cunnilingus on Yolanda. Again.
• "The Cure": Assistant Chief Phillips confronts a rookie cop over him shooting a dog (obviously in itself not funny, but the aftermath).
  Phillips: Where's the triggerman?
  Vic: Kid's just a rookie, sir.
  Phillips: Too young to read mandates from the Chief's office?
  Vic: There's nothing else he could have done.
  Phillips: *points* Is he the shooter?
  Vic: Sir, I'm telling you, the kid had no choice. The dog was reaching.
  (cut to the dog with a pistol planted between its paws)
  Vic: It was kill or be killed.
  • Even better is that Phillips actually finds it funny and looks the other way.
• "Tar Baby": The Strike Team watching hidden camera footage of Dutch's painfully awkward blind date which ends with Dutch singing Duran Duran's "Hungry Like the Wolf." The funniest part arguably isn't the date itself, but Shane's over-the-top laughter.
• "Extraction": The Danny Daddy Pool, on which members of the Barn bet on who's the father of Danny's baby. The pool includes "Gilroy's Liver," Monica Rawlings (3 votes), "Happy Turkey Baster," Ronnie (negative 1 votes), "Dirty Toilet Seat," and "Pearl Rabbit."
• "Jailbait": The Strike Team knows Lem's been bugged by Kavanaugh, so they communicate silently while Shane tells a very crude (and LONG) joke for the bug's benefit. Even funnier is when Kavanaugh later listens to the recording and laughs at the joke.
• "Rap Payback": The Strike Team begins chasing a suspect up a hill, but stops upon seeing what's at the top.
  Lem: Hold it!
  (the guy keeps running)
  Shane: Hey, stop, dumbass! It's a barbed wire fence!
  Lem: What the hell is he doing?
  (the guy tries to climb the fence, hurts himself, and falls all the way back down the hill to the Strike Team)
• Billings blurts out a few gems in the later seasons.
  • "Of Mice and Lem":
    Billings: (about Claudette) Pretty loopy. *Beat* Maybe that's why they call it lupus.
    Phillips: *unamused look*
  • "The New Guy":
    Billings: (after hearing about a raped runaway) I love the smell of underage sexual assault in the morning.
    (Dutch and Claudette stare at him)
    Billings: I didn't mean that the way it came out.
• In late Season 7, Shane tells Vic and Ronnie he's mailed an incriminating letter to Claudette about the Strike Team. Near the end of "Petty Cash," Ronnie finally intercepts the letter and reads the message:
  Hey Ronnie. Tell Vic he's a shithead. You've both just been PUNKED.
  (Ronnie throws the letter at the wall)
• The series finale, where Vic is hit with a richly-deserved Humiliation Conga.
  • Ripping an overhead camera out and throwing it to the ground:
    Vic: “You bill me for it.”
    Claudette (immediately): “Fine, first payment’s due now.”
  • Vic shows up for his new job with the Feds only to find himself in the ultimate Ironic Hell: a desk job that's the exact opposite of his dream. (Even funnier: the penultimate scenes showed a kid being advised to "get ready for your close-up" and the patrol getting the call for their first case that doesn't have any connection to the Crowley bullet. The very things that aren't in the cards for Vic, in the absolute final scene of the series.)

For the Wrestling Stable

• THIS promo.
  Ambrose: Does it look like we're sweating?
  Renee Young: Your hair is very wet.
  Ambrose: ...it's humid in here.
  • Reigns and Ambrose arguing over whether it's called the double triple powerbomb or the triple double powerbomb.
• This promo that ended up turning into a talk about how they were like horses. The best part was probably when Seth said, "Okay... Tom's clearly a pony, can I be a pegasus? Can I have wings that flop around?"
  • Reigns saying that he's a thoroughbred. Counts also as a Call-Back to his NXT days where his nickname was The Thoroughbred.
• After Ambrose pointed out how he's the longest reigning champion in the WWE today, Roman pointed out that Dean's barely defended the title which prompts Ambrose to issue an open challenge to the locker room. Subsequently, the Shield head out to the ring for Dean's challenger, with Ambrose psyched up for a fight... until the opening chords of "Somebody's Gonna Get It" hit, and Reigns & Rollins just burst out laughing while Dean, realising what he's gotten himself into, has a suitably hilarious Freak Out. It continues into his match, where he is in mortal terror of Mark Henry.
• Ambrose after the Shield finally defeated the Wyatt Family. He gets the pin, stands up and gets his arm raised, before just flopping back to the ground as if he were a cardboard cut-out being knocked over.
• Ambrose's Cloudcuckoolander mannerisms are often good for a laugh.
• From this interview:
  Ambrose: It's like he said- we're a shield from injustice.
  Rollins: *nods* Yeah.
  Ambrose: *looks over at Reigns, who looks back, and speaks louder* We're a shield from injustice.
  Reigns: *looks away from him and remains completely silent*
  Ambrose: *pauses* We are the Shield.
  • And this bit:
  Cole: Are you working directly for WWE champion CM Punk?
  Ambrose: Nope. [camera fixes on Ambrose staring at Cole for about five seconds]
  Cole: Uh... O-OK.
• Dean's Twitter. The description just says 'They made me get a twitter.....Fine....Enjoy', and he hasn't tweeted anything for years.
• This NXT promo starts out normally, but then quickly gets derailed by what is quite possibly the Shield's stupidest, funniest argument ever (before Seth Rollins gets it back on track). It really needs to be transcribed here in all its dumb glory. (Psst - Here's the YouTube version of it if you can't access it on the other site.)
  Dean: Listen to The Wyatt Family, boys, listen to 'em! Makin' outrageous claims—sound stupid to me! (to Wyatts) With your stupid ugly beards and your stupid camel mask.
  [Roman and Seth, who had previously been doing their usual stoic and smug acts, respectively, immediately look confused.]
  Roman: Hold on, what?
  Dean: Trying to scare somebody-
  Seth: What?
  Roman: Camel mask?
  Dean: The camel mask he ^note meaning Erick Rowan wears.
  Seth: It's not a camel.
  Roman: [grinning and chuckling] It's a llama mask, bro.
  Seth: (squeaky voice) What? [looking back and forth at them] (normal voice) What are you talkin' about?
  Dean: Pretty sure it's a camel.
  Roman: I just went to the zoo; it's a llama.
  Seth: Hey! [puts a hand to each man's chest like he's trying to break up a fight]
  Dean: I know what a camel looks like.
  Seth: It's a LAMB, gentlemen.
  [Dean mouths "it's a lamb" and makes an "oooh" face at Roman.]
  Roman: (whispering) Shut up.
• On the May 19th 2014 episode of RAW, Rollins is booked against Batista with the rest of Evolution & the Shield banned from ringside. Come match time, however, Triple H & Randy Orton are announced as the guest time keeper & ring announcer, respectively to get around the Exact Words of the ban - the time keeper's area isn't technically classified as ringside. Rollins, however, proceeds to introduce the guest commentators, Roman Reigns & Dean Ambrose to beat Evolution at their own game. Ambrose & Reigns proceed to spend the match mocking Evolution; with a .com segment featuring Regins & Ambrose smarking that Orton & Triple H aren't doing their jobs, before he & Roman decide to do the time keeping & ring announcing duties on top of commentary.
• This from the 2014 Payback post-match press conference:
  Reigns: Pain is temporary. Our pride and honor are forever.
  Ambrose: That's great, sucks that it's already on a t-shirt.
  Reigns: *Gives Dean a Death Glare*
  • From said press conference, if Dean wasn't talking, it appeared as if he was taking a nap with his head on the table.
• This moment from the RAW Backstage Pass for the week of June 9th, 2014.
  Renee Young: Triple H also said tonight, that the Shield was going to be no more after tonight. What's your reaction to that?
  Ambrose: Oh...? My best friend, I'm not gonna hang out with my best friend anymore, I'm not gonna work with my best friend anymore? I'm not gonna fight with my best friend & partner anymore, because... Triple H said so? 'cause the Authority said so. [To Roman] Where's he getting these rules from, anyway? How many miles have we travelled together?
  Reigns: Countless.
  Ambrose: How many cars have we crashed together?
  Reigns: [Raises finger to his mouth in a hush motion] Shhhhh.
• The look Reigns have Ambrose on the 6/9/14 RAW after Ambrose finished his epic reaction promo ( to Seth Rollins' betrayal) by knocking the mic out of his own hands and to the ground. Normally that would be a moment where the entrance theme started playing, but the way the segment was written, Reigns still had to say his piece, and Ambrose seemed to have forgotten about that little detail (which, actually, wouldn't be entirely out of character...).
  • After Ambrose drops the mic, Reigns gives him A Look to remind him that he has something to say. Ambrose then makes it up to him by going back, picking the mic off the floor, and handing it nicely to Reigns while the latter grins, clearly just as amused as we are.
• The Fatal 4-Way match between Rollins, Reigns, Ambrose, and Randy Orton at Payback 2015 showed a very brief reunion between The Shield, teaming up to take out Orton. Immediately after that Rollins tried to buddy up to Ambrose and Reigns, which went about as well as you'd expect.
• The sheer randomness of their appearance here - all three basically show up at Tribute to the Troops 2016 just to mock The New Day and The Club. Notably Dean wasn't even wrestling on the show. The collective expression on The Club's faces was just icing on the cake.
  Rollins: [presumably to The Club] Wait a minute... Did I hear you say that you're the greatest team of all time?
  Ambrose: [motions to Reigns] Believe that?
  Reigns: [grins, shakes his head] Nah...
• The November 2017 European tour has been a gold-mine of hilarious, off-air moments, but the 11/8 show from Dortmund, Germany and is probably the capper. The New Day have invaded from Smackdown and decide to try beating up Ambrose and Rollins. Cue Samoa Joe, Finn Balor, and the Bar coming to their aid, and the six Raw stars having illegal amounts of fun hitting all their finishers on the New Day. First, Cesaro goes for the Swing on Kofi Kingston, and around swing #8, Rollins starts using Kofi as a skipping rope and jumps over him every time Cesaro makes a circle. Then, since Reigns isn't there, Rollins and Ambrose realize they need a third man for the Triple Powerbomb, and choose Samoa Joe. Dean then "teaches" him how to do the "OOO-AH", and mimes "lift from the legs".
  • Fridge Brilliance kicks in when you realize Roman Reigns' real name is Joe Anoa'i and he's Samoan, so it does make sense for Rollins and Ambrose to choose Samoa Joe as the third man for the Triple Powerbomb.
  • The next night, they had even more fun with the options for their partner. Dean dismisses Sheamus as "too big", Cesaro (after rubbing his head) as "too bald", Finn Balor as "too dang thin" (after lifting his shirt up and rubbing his abs), and finally "bumps into" Joe, saying "he's good!".
  • Xavier Woods begging for mercy the first night and outright screaming the second night before the triple power bomb is just the icing on the cake
• Roman Reigns getting meningitis wound up inspiring several funny moments with the Shield having to find replacement partners.
  • First there was the match at TLC, which had RAW GM Kurt Angle returning to the ring, which was awesome in itself. But Kurt being Kurt, he found a way to make himself look real goofy.◊
  • But most ironically, at another live event, Ambrose and Rollins get none other than Triple H himself. Rollins even throws in a Call-Back to the infamous "Plan B" line.
• The fallout from the 20 November 2017 Episode of RAW: After losing his Intercontinental Title belt to Reigns that night, The Miz goes into a Villainous Breakdown, berating the entire crowd for not appreciating what he does in the ring during his time as IC Champ. Then while he's in the middle of finishing his Catchphrase...
  Miz: Because I'M THE MIZ! AND I'M... AAAAAAAAAWESOOOOOO-
  (Turns around and sees the Shield standing behind him)
  Miz: -Ooooooooh, shoot.
• It's pretty common to have dark segments after Raw (especially after a babyface loses or gets beaten up) to send the crowd home happy, but lately, Creative seems to be letting the Shield guys take the ball and run with it. After the 12/4 Raw, GM Kurt Angle orders Sheamus to get back in the ring, where Dean and Seth pretend like they're going to shave his mohawk. The SHIELD are about to leave, Roman having Superman-punched Sheamus, when Dean calls them back, because they haven't triple-powerbombed anybody tonight and he's really disappointed. Then Seth decides to take an unofficial poll of the crowd as to if they should put Sheamus through a table.
  Seth: Let's take a poll!
  Crowd: TABLES! TABLES! TABLES!
  Seth: It's just a yes/no answer-
  Crowd: YES! YES! YES! YES! (crew bring a table down to ringside)
  Sheamus: WE DIDN'T EVEN START THE POLL!
  Seth: No, it's just in case!
  • Then, Sheamus runs up the ramp and backstage, causing Dean and Roman to chase him. Seth's commentary is hilarious:
    Seth: Get him! Get him! Get him! Aw man, I knew I shouldn't have asked you guys! One more time! (Sheamus runs away again.) Hey- Goddamn, he's slippery! He's slippery! They are not the running- they are not the runners of this crew, that's my job.You are making a Samoan run, this is a terrible thing. I can tell you right now, this powerbomb's gonna be extra hard 'cause you made him run.
• Dean's dad joke in the Fastlane Day Of video around the 2:50 mark. Just the way he seems so pleased with himself and Renee's exasperration really sells it.